Carnal Alchemy
by loveyournightmare
Summary: The earth on Starkiller base split, but Rey got caught on the side with her enemy. Can something be born on a dying planet? "She didn't recoil. If they were about to die, was it so wrong to desire closeness of another human being? Even for a moment, even from the monster…" MA as hell, be warned ye who enter. NSFW mostly.
1. Chapter 1

**Carnal Alchemy**

* * *

The earth split.

She had no time to flee, no time to ruminate the gravity of the situation. The last thing Rey wanted was to face the monster she had just sent falling to the ground. Kylo Ren was still heaving, clutching the shoulder she had pierced. Hems of his robes were fuming; bloody crescent marred his pallid face.

He spat blood, the only anesthetic appeasing his descent into the world of pain. Rey fell to the snowy ground. Was it the sight of his blood which sent her there? That couldn't be. She had seen him bleeding in the forest before, when he hit himself like a madman.

"The base…it's going to collapse." She buried her hands deeper into the snow. Cold calmed her, cold was the unknown she had missed on Jakku.

"Not collapse – explode." He cuffed and the blood stained ivory. Dying should have been simple, just like being born. He didn't struggle, then. Dying should have been quiet and yet, thousands of voices approached the warrior who stripped them of life; who stole the gift which wasn't his to take. Colors were swirling in his vision and marking air red and black and he was mourning the loss of it all, selfishly, as only a killer could.

Rey's head shot up.

He was talking to her, even after she nearly gave into that calling. _Kill him, one strike, one sway of your blade and you can be free of him. Kill him, he deserves it._

"Are you deaf?" He roared, angry at himself for his paralysis. Ren didn't mind she had bested him in a fight. He would deal with her later. Right now, getting the hell out was crucial. This snowy ground was about to turn into a volcano.

Rey bolted up and started running the opposite way, wordless, defying the certainty of their death. He couldn't believe it. She was going to leave him there… Maybe he had underestimated her; the lioness in the skin of lamb. Maybe he shouldn't have exposed his desire to teach her.

"Fuck." He cursed after third unsuccessful try to get to his feet. He scrambled to all four – that was a small victory. The heart of the Starkiller base trembled; snow was falling from the pine trees and the pain blinded him whole.

"What – have you come to finish me off?" He yelled. _She came back?_ Rey was gripping her chest, bent and fuming.

"The ravine…" She forced herself to speak, constricting her lungs to convert the chill into breath and breath into words. "It's… it's gone. There's no- …nowhere… to…to go." When she raised her head, he was already standing. _Impressive_ , she thought. The blaster should have killed him. _She_ should have killed him. He lived, as a weed gnawing from under the rotten soil.

So, she came back driven by the same selfish need to live as him. He bared his teeth in a feral scowl; which attacked her more than his lightsaber. "You," he pointed at her. He forgot what he meant to say – surely an insult, or a threat; once he tasted blood on his tongue. _His blood_. He remembered she mutilated his face and shouted into the night.

Then, they both felt only fire and pain.

Starkiller base started exploding from within and the detonations followed one another like a string of chaotic fireworks. Rey fell down out of fear. Kylo fell because of exhaustion. All bones in his body were cracking, collapsing together with this planet; the essence of his being was fading and getting colder than the snow. The Force didn't lead him gently into sleep, it cracked and contorted his muscles, sizzled his veins and made him look into the eyes of his enemy, the one who caused it all. That was his greatest punishment.

"I have to get out of here!" She cried to herself.

 _I._ It didn't escape him. Long, chilling breaths soothed the anger he felt. If his parents didn't care if he lived or died, why would his enemy?

"You're not going anywhere." He threw the bulk of his body at her. Rey screamed and kicked, trying to get him off her. The impact flayed him to the bone, but he channeled the pain, turned it into hatred with the help of the dark side.

Together, they were wrestling, not for power but for their lives. It seemed easier to die together than alone. The anger welled in him and he would have taken her out with this base. Panic prodded her – the very touch of this man was a spread of pain. He was scooping pieces of her skin under his nails, clawing, hurting at the same time.

Something carnal awoke in him; a desire to make her shake in fear, not cause her pain. Fear snuffed the light from the darkest corridors of her heart; in fear he had her in his power. He knew creatures like her, righteous beyond the understanding of low mortals such as himself. She valued freedom above all, and if he could take if from her, she would wither.

Rey was shocked, but her defenses never failed. She was hitting that side wound; but when her tiny fist ploughed inside and the warmth encumbered her; she withdrew at the speed of light. He roared so loud that she craned her head, dipping her ears in the snow. Rey was trembling and getting dizzy from the knowledge her hand had just left Ren's insides. She bit his arm, he yanked her hair. The buns fell loose and as much as one meant to scar the other, the detonation buried them both.

"Can you move?" Rey heard herself speak. "Move," question turned to order when he kept fuming into her ear. She was by no means weak, but her constitution seemed gauntleted when compared to his.

"Huh…huummhh.." He stirred, bereft of sense of time or space. The setup felt too intimate for her; his body too real. A distant enemy she could take, perhaps even kill. But now that she felt his skin, he materialized. It was easy to pierce the concept, but not a living, breathing man.

 _The breath._ She breathed in the steam rising from his mouth. Their very life force mingled in that infinitesimal distance which separated them. Rey parried off him, but her palms dug into his chest and he fell back, only harder. Pushing him was futile, but she had to get him off her. Each of those heated breaths fomented her more. His garb felt coarse, as if she was clutching straw.

"This is impossible."She let out a small moan.

He regained consciousness. She knew not because he moved. Quite the opposite – the second he came back, he went limp; but she could tell. The beating of his heart changed. _How could I know that?_ Rey caught herself thinking. She didn't feel her own heart at that moment, smothered by snow and flesh. _His flesh_.

"Get the hell off." She had angled her knee to kick him where every man was bound to feel the pain. "Or I'll make you."

He shifted, but just enough to look into her eyes. Rey looked past him. She wouldn't give him one look, one thought. It was all wasted on him. But when she gazed upon the sky over his shoulder, her jaw hung open. Ashes and fire were burning into the night. The stars disappeared; the horizon reflected only charred embers of the burnt out fireplace.

The planet was dying.

In the corner of her eye, she spotted X wings and TIE fighters engaged in perilous fight. Every hit of green laser was bringing the Resistance closer to victory, but Rey and this monster closer to death.

Her eyes fell. He kept staring at her, unmoving, like an ever watchful guardian. Minutes before their certain death, he might very well have been.

"Do you want to live?" His voice sounded calm, so unlike the dying monster.

"What?" Rey blinked.

"I'm asking you if you want to live, or not. It's a simple question which requires only yes or no answer. Surely, you can do that."

Rey let out a small sigh. He drank it right into his parted lips. She felt it all as if lying under magnifying glass. She buried one stretched palm into the snow, but the other swam in something warm and soft. _His blood_. It flew out of him as a sap from a tree, drenching Rey's hand.

She took in his breath, his flesh, his blood. Was there no part of him that didn't belong to her? She found herself spreading her legs more, inviting him, but not to take anything, only fit better into the puzzle which became of their joined bodies.

"Yes. Of course I want to live. I have somebody to live for, unlike you."

"Hmmh." He scoffed.

Rey swallowed nothing but frost as he shifted between her legs and ignited the strange need, the feeling she had never experienced before. _You weren't a killer before, too._ He was teaching her the worst while they were marching to death, not hand in hand but flesh on flesh.

"Hey! Stop it! What are…" for the first time, she felt helpless and scared. His large hand grabbed hers and slid it lower, in that narrow strait between their bodies. She brushed his chest, his abdomen…and he kept going, pulling her down on him.

"Don't be afraid." He coaxed her and then, pressed her fingers into his belt. "It's a tracker. The Order will be notified of my position. They'll come for me."

For all their stealth; they couldn't fool Ren. He knew they had had him monitored. He decided not to compromise their transmission with an idea of need for the situation just like this. It proved useful, just like he had anticipated. A lot of things didn't go his way, but this plan did.

He felt her pulse quicken under him. "What?" She asked. "They'll come for you. Me – me they'll kill. Let me go!" She squirmed and pushed, but he kept her locked in a cage made of his limbs. She dug her heels deep into the snow; but not force could propel him up; for she felt warm and weak under him, even though she was the furthest thing from it. The thrust of her pelvis appetized his senses, so dull, so starved for affection.

"Calm down."

"Stop saying that! I don't give a damn about you or your advice. I should have ki…" She bit her tongue. Never – she must have imagined that evil voice. She would have never taken a life on her own. Not even his.

"Yes, you should have."

Rey craned her head. The move came with his presence, the one she made while cuffed to that torture chair. Her cheeks pressed into the snow and chest swelled with panic. Once again, she was strapped under him, helpless, ready to fight and scream. "Please." She let out a small plea, so soft because it was futile.

To her immense shock, the pressure lifted.

He rolled off her into the snow. The frozen blanket served as their battleground and coffin. She was still shaking, even after his weight disintegrated. But now, she felt alone and abandoned in this frozen inferno; so alone like never before; when the vastness of sand dunes shrank her in size and spirit. He stained her, left her all bruised and bloodied. His blood was saturating her tunic, her hands, and left a pervasive taste on her tongue. That rusty metallic odor was him. Even after he marked her, his dark eyes kept taking in more and she would have gouged them out, just to make him avert them.

 _He marked her._

"We're going to die here." Rey sat up. Only now did she see a glistening pool of red where his torso had lied. "You're hurt." _Nice catch_. So much for stating the obvious. "I mean – you're…"

"I'm dying. I noticed." He said dryly.

Suddenly, the urge to kill him vanished. It never existed. Suddenly, by some rapturous turn of events, she wanted to save him. He spilled blood of his father, but she would not bathe in his.

"AArgh!" he hollered in pain."What are you doing?"

She ducked under his arm and tried to lift him up. "I'm helping you." She wanted to curse him or make a smart joke at his expense. They had to laugh it off – no, the planet wasn't collapsing on itself. No, they weren't minutes from certain death.

He clambered up, but at the same time fell back on the ground; taking her down with him. He noticed her goosebumps and blue lips. _Silly scavenger_. Why did she have to wear a thin, linen nothing? A linen nothing which he stained with that weak blood; spilling his cursed lineage onto her like a seed.

She gave up.

She couldn't drag him with her. They were lying on the snow next to each other, looking at the fireworks in the sky. The detonations got closer and oscillating earth plateaued. One plate ripped from the other and carried them to the unknown. They didn't have the strength or will to fight it, so they simply laid there and panted in fear.

From afar, they looked like lovers, star gazing into the cold, silent night. Opalescent mist was rising from their mouths, his twirling faster and wafting to her lips.

They looked at each other.

He found a gleam in her brown, soft eyes. The disgust, with which they greeted him before, disappeared. He felt something in the Force, warmth spreading from her. He felt…

"…compassion?"He whispered.

"What?" Rey shuffled closer.

"You have compassion for me." He said quietly. Of course, a bleeding heart like hers would have. It was easy to pity a dying predator; a savage animal finally caught into an iron trap.

"I'm sorry we're going out like this. I'm sorry you killed your father. I'm sorry for my friend Finn who is dying alongside us – so close, but miles away. But," she plunged into his face." I don't have compassion for you."

She flinched. He raised his palm and touched her cheek.

"No," he muttered and tossed his leather glove away. Skin on skin, blood on blood. He wiled himself to feel it and consume the last soul; savor last life the warrior would take with him. He repeated the movement. Rey knew what was coming, but she didn't swat him away. Did it mean she wanted him to touch her? Didn't she mind?

"I can feel it. The Force…you feel it too. I know you do – that something that connects us."

"Murder connects us; destruction of billions ties us together – not your empty words. "

His thumb was no longer resting on her jaw. He was brushing her chattering lips, parting them with one would-be touch, one feathery stroke.

She didn't recoil. If they were about to die, was it so wrong to desire closeness of another human being? Even for a moment, even from the monster…

He crashed into her. She wasn't expecting it; so she did nothing. _This is my first kiss_. Way to go, way to think about something as stupid and trivial as this; when their hearts were moments from immortality.

Kylo would possess her, kiss away her trepidation.

Rey closed her eyes and let him guide her. He softly brushed her lower lip with his tongue, demanding entrance. She parted them and a jolt of electricity surged through her navel. She never felt so much of anyone near her, let alone inside her. His tongue felt soft and suddenly, he tilted her head and stroked the corners of her mouth in a new rhythm, plunging in and out. Rey dared to explore him, just as he was her. She needed to get closer, to feel more. She gently tugged his robes and brought him as close as possible. If a deity ruled the galaxy, it must have tasted like this.

Passion crippled their anger. Now, they truly were on the verge of pleasure and pain.

She felt safe and in danger; she felt cared for but used. But most importantly, _she felt_. _His_ blood was trickling into her from that face wound which opened along with his heart. _Her_ blood was crashing into her ears and she let out a small moan. That drove him away – she needed to breathe, although why she would breathe the air that wasn't coming from him was a mystery.

"Seems like one of us is going to make it." His dark eyes defied her. He licked his lower lip subconsciously, and she felt the insane urge to taste him again.

"A ship!" Rey leapt to her feet and waved, trying to get the attention. Large hovercraft was descending down.

Kylo Ren managed to climb up and smirked. "Is it one of yours or mine? For your sake, I hope the Order's analysts were lagging as usual and didn't receive the transmission. "

Rey spun.

Words could harm, but she felt as if he physically kicked her in the chest. Kylo sensed her turmoil in the Force. Two young fools; his mind screamed, following the misery which led them here, battling with weapons too big for their hands and too lethal for this encounter. His expression changed; he wiped that scorn from his face. Once smooth of wrinkles, he looked young and vulnerable.

"Don't worry, scavenger. I still need you. You're more useful alive than dead to me." He said.

"I don't need you. So, you should worry. You're not useful either way." She hoped to poison him for that kiss; that fire he ignited.

They were both squinting against massive lights of the descending ship, each hoping the other one would get picked up first. After all, they still had unfinished business and revenge was best served to a body with a beating heart.

* * *

 **A/N One shot, so far, maybe more.**


	2. Triptych

**Triptych**

* * *

She would be lying on that cold stone till the judgment day. Tuanul folk believed such an event would come to pass when the stars burnt out fuel and the entire galaxy would expand.

Rey would be waiting for that day in cold and light. She jumped from the sleep as a ship jumps out of hyperdrive, thrust madly into the consciousness where only fear reigned; where her throat closed and hands shook. They were handcuffed, sheathed in metal. The very same straps were gnawing at her ankles. The stone turned to glass of the medical table.

Fear blinded her; fear made her scared, not those alluring lights. Those invited her to heal, to reminisce of the night before…or was it a fortnight? A planet could finish entire solar cycle around whatever object they were orbiting, and Rey wouldn't know. How long had she been lying there?

She angled her head right and met with a wall black as night. She knew her answers lied on the left, so she took a deep breath and shifted, only to fall into a deep, dark pit. Two, to be precise. Kylo Ren was lying in the next bunk, bathed by the same light, and staring at her more intently than the sun. She got lost in his eyes. His torso was bare and covered in gauze. White stripes criss-crossed his pale chest; it was heaving and fighting for every damn breath he took.

She had her answer. "No," she sobbed. The Order took her. His shuttle got to them first. Colors, images, sounds…it all went out. She didn't know how long she was in that state between two worlds, two hearts and one certainty – her death. She didn't dream. She slept, but dreams weren't the same as in the mortal world.

"You're not dead yet, scavenger." He would come to her in the limbo in between.

"I would rather be."

He came closer, but always distant; this dichotomy of a man. "I told you you're useful to me. Still."

"You don't dictate whether I live or die. My life is mine to live or take, not yours."

"Go on," he strolled towards her, swaying that mountain of a body closer. "Tell me, what else isn't mine to take?"

His hair hung in soft dark waves, his lips were full and inviting, and suddenly that wretched taste came back to her. The scent which she drank before in the snow remained also in the light. Only the scar looked raw, exposing his tendon and flesh.

"Stay back." She raised her hand, to keep the distance, to keep him out, or just to remind herself that one touch would bring ruin upon them both.

"Back?" he blinked. "There is no back, no forward. We're dying and yet, we're still drawing breath. Well, I am closer than you."

Red droplets began permeating his gauze, seeping through it as ruby venom; one drop fell to the ground and in that fall Rey recognized her own doing. She did this. She slashed and hacked and marred his body, just as he marked hers by a kiss from hell. It breathed life into her, she lived as never before amid the sand dunes and quarter portions.

He closed the distance and pressed his broad chest against her outstretched palms. Why did she keep them like that, hovering mid air? Were they inviting or pressing away? She became a supplicant for his forbidden desire.

Kylo stepped boldly into her, pressing his chest into those dainty hands, unsure whether to push or pull. He breathed in sync with her and his fiery orbs never left hers. Rey moaned into that touch and felt his heart pummel against his chest. Her hands skimmed the surface, only the surface because to delve in would be unimaginable, unforgivable.

He encircled her wrists and guided her lower, just like before, only this time, there was no belt, no tracker and no snow which would cool Rey's fever. Her hands caught ablaze as she brushed his torso. She felt every ridge, every muscle of his body.

He leaned closer and kissed her earlobe. His breath raised prickles on her skin. "Let go. Fall, don't be afraid."

So, she did.

She kept falling into him and he took everything from her. Her lips didn't belong to her anymore; they were his; and he didn't hold back. There were no sheets to be gripping, so she dug her hands into his hair in the vortex of pleasure. His tongue became an anathema; it would deliver urge of bliss but withdraw at the same time. She hungered for more, didn't he see? Didn't he know? He was blazing trail of hot kisses on her neck, tasting her pulse and breath. She craned her had backwards and sighed in anticipation of where he would carry that torch next.

She started writhing unwittingly, she never knew how or what but her body responded on its own. She knew that one circle of her pelvis against his tightening pants would multiply the sensation a hundred times. When she held her breath, it would increase a thousand. He grinded against her, his desire to fill her screamed apparent with every move, every rub of that coarse fabric.

"Is this real? Is... this… happening?" she panted. She had to know, before it was too late.

"Does life seem real when we dream? Doesn't dream become your reality when you're in it?" His breath scorched her collarbone.

"Why are you doing this?"

He pointed at his scar. "One marked the other, remember? You too, shall bear mine."

Pool of heat spilled between her legs when his musky scent hit her nostrils. She needed to alleviate something primal. No amount of deep breaths or trembling hands could do that; only him.

Slapping sounds and blazing night; the unknown and yet her home, she thought as his tongue and hands kept singing invocation to her. He parted her legs and wedged himself between, where no amount of her strength could drive him away. He became a pillar in her center, a mass of flesh but also spirit, because it was the _idea_ of him which excited her more.

She felt lost. The only sane thought was to keep moving, to keep giving him the reason to plunge in and withdraw and go on, till her breath died on her lips, till her screams deafened him, till their slick bodies undulated at the verge of pain.

Soft became hard, dry turned wet and she never knew that her body was capable of reciprocating so much. He stretched her slick walls, mindful of the discomfort, but also ravenous to possess her. He filled her to the cusp, with his grunts and breaths in kisses too harsh to be born of love. He filled her to leave a mark, but she marked him; her nails were clawing at him, so his back would mirror his torso like a ragged replica.

Her hands still lacked those sheets to grip, so she guided him deeper and harder and he replied; spun her around and in that second, she missed their connection as if her own soul got split in too.

He returned back where he belonged, into her core and let out only a few syllables and vowels to let her know he was there, that he would heat her up again and crumble within her, if need be. If the light in the room seemed blinding, she never knew the inflammation from within, the luminescence of that final thrust where he roared into her and she cried out a name, a word, or maybe she kept silent.

All she knew was that her world changed. He carried her body as she spasmed and writhed under him, kissing her neck and jaw as he let her come to her senses.

"Now, you'll never be the same." He rasped from behind, still in her, prolonging that friction."Everytime you touch yourself here," he guided her clammy hand down to her soaked core. "Or here," he cupped her breasts with their joined hands. "You will know I was there; that I left a mark. Now, we both have the reason to hate the mirror."

She yanked herself from his grasp; she cut the cord of their connection. Her back was just as red as his torso, once again he bled on her and she bled on him. Her eyes fell lower, at the tip of his member buried within her, which bore the stains of her blood. "You did this to punish me?" Rey crossed arms at her chest, a gesture so bizarre and unnecessary. He already took all there was to take, seen all there was to see.

Rey smirked. "Then the sentence goes both ways. I find my punishment in knowledge you were the first. You," she walked to him, so close their sweat mingled on their frenzied chests. "You will find your punishment in the knowledge I will never let you do this again. You will be falling asleep with the knowledge of my body. You will remember how it felt, but you'll know that you are never getting it again."

Her erect nipples were pressing into his chest and renewed his lust. But even he knew she had to come to terms with this. His eyes darkened, he kept staring at her as a hungry animal, as a cattle branded with an iron rod. "What makes you think I won't take what I want anyway?"

Rey's lower lip quivered. _Would he?_ She returned that stare. _No_. She felt his desire, but it came from consent, not force. He wanted her to yield. That very idea was just as erotic for him as the thought of an enemy fucking her was for Rey. Without those two elements, their bodies didn't react; they refused to obey and pour the nectar of ecstasy.

They could drink it only as equals and lovers, not one while one subdued the other.

Corners of his mouth twitched. "You finally figured it out. Good girl," he was towering over her and if he wanted more, he had to bow his head. "It's a bond forged in pain; where the Force linked us together forever. You see what we're capable of – pain, or pleasure. Both are inevitable, when every move you make will be known to me, from now on."

She buried her head under his chin and he let it rest on her crown. Enemies turned lovers would calm down in the soothing rhythm of their breaths. They had only moments to do it now. Tomorrow, they would hate and fight just like their birth right ordained them to do. Today, they shared a dream.

Rey woke up from it into a routine where freedom mattered - freedom of her thoughts. She remained in the healing ward for ten days. After that, prison cell became her home. He allowed her one candle. _A candle_. On a ship, in space. Not even their fight had been so barbaric, than this deprivation of light. Her senses suffered, or more likely heightened.

"Nevermind discomfort or the cold," she convinced herself. On Jakku, the torso of AT&T walker didn't do much good either; but at least she could leave it of her own will. The only force preventing it was the mighty sand storms, where no foot dared to thread outside. When that was too much for her then, she nearly gnawed the way out of the cell.

Kylo visited her daily. "What is this?" He asked when he noticed a set of simple scratch marks on the wall. Yes, she was marking time, the only constant anchoring her in reality

"What's it look like?"

"It looks like something that just cost you three meals." He said and left.

His robes were sweeping not the floor, but her hope. He never got angry, rarely raised his voice. He spoke and his lips moved, but the acid burnt through those words, the molten lava which kept telling her how trapped she really was, how helpless any attempt to get away would be.

At night, it all filed into her heart and her desperation reeked to the surface. She cried, hugging herself still and sitting in the far corner of that cell. Beds, even thought but a few slanted metal bars, were too comfortable for prisoners of the First Order. Her back ached when she tried to curl into fetal position, like a child she never truly was.

"I am here." He whispered from behind.

"You're not." She sobbed.

"No? Then, this is another dream."

"No, it's not. This is a nightmare and I can't wake up."

He spun her around and witnessed her wearing that pain on her face; glistening like a cold lake surface. He wiped her tears and shuffled closer, so close she once again saw but those two mesmerizing eyes. "I wouldn't have to hurt you, if you only gave us those plans. We need to find Skywalker, and fast. For your sake, I hope you'll see reason and give it to us."

 _Couldn't he have taken them already?_ "I'm not giving you the maps. I'm not giving you anything, ever." The words spoke of more than the routes to the last Jedi.

He smiled. He thought he would have thrived in her misery, but instead he shared it. "That is up to you. I told you I can teach you things…" he planked on his back and gazed into the ceiling. She was watching his profile rise and fall, fascinated by the ridge of his aquiline nose, the fullness of his lips and calm demeanor. She feared the storm in him, not the calm.

"I am a scholar of wisdom, not pain. I seek knowledge surpassing everything that has been taught, by Sith or Jedi. You can have that power too. The Force in you is dormant, not dark or light, no good or evil. You can't control it – it's as if you forfeited the use of your limbs."

He faced her. They rested inches from each other. His eyes were dancing on her lips, her nose, her neck… he didn't presume to touch her, only to make her understand.

Rey shook her head. "Share this metal bed with me, not only my body. Share my fear and despair, not only that last moan when you were inside of me." She sobbed. "If you want to be my teacher, you have to learn from me first."

He would come to her less frequently, but he always bestowed one dark gift or another. Once, he brought her a small deck of cubes she could stack and form words, as in a game befitting a five year old. Then, the droid uncovered the lid and tray was brimming with freshly cooked meat and potatoes, not the nutria drinks which she had been fed before.

Rey wouldn't touch any of it. She lay it on the floor, in the corner opposite of hers and stared at it, just as she kept staring into his eyes when he addressed her.

"You would do better to embrace it, scavenger. You're my prisoner, for the time being, anyway." He was facing the bared window. Four horizontal plasma beams of glowing blue light arrested any kind of movement; she could only look into the darkness of space and count the stars, not run away. He sighed and tapped the windowsill. "You best come to terms with it. I could treat you much worse than this. I could do things you wouldn't remember, but you would feel it for decades. The consequences could be severe…"

He bounced off the wall and joined his hands behind his back. "Or… you could find this time productive. Give us the plans and I can train you."

 _Train her. Use her._ It rhymed, when it came to him. Rey didn't believe one word that came out of his mouth.

"I can do this." She whispered as she shoved another tray filled with roast. Solitude didn't creep on her quietly as on Jakku, where she managed to erase it. Now, herself and silence was all she had, all he had allowed her to have.

 _If she only yielded,_ he thought. He relayed his sympathy the only way he could; in these small presents. She found them offensive. Passing time in mild entertainment wasn't to her taste. Not even the food was. Didn't she know that to keep mind sharp was the key? He watched her wilt and fade as the days went by. Her olive skin turned porcelain, her freckles vanished and her eyes got empty.

He roamed the _Finalizer_ and cursed the actions he had to take. Snoke would order it, no matter how much Kylo stalled. Hux didn't go near her only because he had forbidden it. After the Starkiller base, even Hux trusted Ren's judgment in order to defeat the rebels.

Rey lapsed into a state of catatonia, where each breath hurt more than the one before. _Use the Fore, child. The Force_ … was useless to her now. She paced the length of her cell and counted steps to feel human. She came to hate his visits, she hated this cell and she hated the second she refused to hand the droid for sixty portions. To play a hero felt so easy when one imagined it. The reality stripped her of all illusions of right and wrong.

"You're being transferred tomorrow." He came to her one night. "I can't do anything, then."

She tuned something out…a voice, or a pestilent fly. _How would a fly get into the star destroyer?_

"Rey…" he crouched next to her. Her eyes were locked with the empty wall, her petite figure curled into a ball. Glum felt the future when he held the reigns. Desperate became the mornings where she didn't know her own name. He was breaking her and he knew it… Kylo Ren sighed into his palms. "Come on." He adjusted his arms under her knees and scooped her up. She didn't fight. Fuck, if she fought, he would have hated himself less. He carried her to the main observation deck, unmasked and vigilant of every stormtrooper and officer on duty.

"Careful, now." He sat her in front of massive glass panels and righted her head."Look," he sat next to her, supporting her small back with his hand. "Look at it… the stars, the sun over there in the thirty sixth angle. And there," he gently raised her hand and moved it left."There's a nebulae of the Hydian way."

They were watching a milky cloud of simmering light, beams colored blue and white, purest white she had ever seen. "Beautiful," he let out a long breath. Her head lulled onto side and he instinctively offered his shoulder. They were sitting on a bench, looking into the cold, harsh space and finding beauty in it all.

By the time he carried her back to the cell, her heartbeat intensified, as if she found a new appreciation for life. _See, Rey; not all darkness is bad. Some only exists so the light could shine in it_. Yes, she sobered up, but barely.

"Stay." She whispered.

So, he did.

They were sleeping in one bed, in a single cell made to constrain them both and keep them apart. In the flicker of the candle, she radiated warmth. He was brushing her hair in a gilded embrace which was rotten to the core. She squirmed and he felt her ass pressing into him. His breath hitched. No, he wouldn't take her. Why would she reward her captor like this? She was at the loss of her senses, desperate for affection, for escape. This was not the way to get it.

"I want you." She whispered and rolled around. She kissed his lips, but he kept them shut, cold, unresponsive.

"You don't know what you're doing. Sleep." He raised himself to leave.

She tugged his arm. " _You_ don't know what you're doing. Are you playing a captor, or a lover? Do you want to punish me or make me feel better? When you hold me here in isolation, is it to prolong my agony, or your pleasure?" She drew herself up and burnt him with her indignant stare. "I know what I want. I want freedom, but you're not going to get it for me. So, I want the next best thing. I want to _feel_."

He sank his hands and mouth into her, and lo, she was his. Her moans bellowed and here she was, instigating another coup of his senses, another avalanche of need. She knelt and before he knew, she took him into her hands and slid up and down, as he once encircled her throat. Tempest rose in his cheeks and chest; it roared, and every phallic imagery he had ever had about a woman in this position paled, when it compared to her. She prostrated herself in front of him, knelt and gave him pleasure, and the sensation of her delectable mouth licking the tip of his cock swept him off his feet. He strained his calf muscles not to give in, not to kneel and ravage her.

She wasn't skilled, but she gave him so much pleasure, that once he felt the tightening sensation, he awoke. He had to give her something to feel, so he deftly lowered her down and tasted her innermost core. He kept twisting his tongue and licking her desires away, and this time, she needed no sheets.

He infused her with a substance she had never tasted before, her eyelids fluttered like wings of a butterfly and he climbed up her body, touching every curve of her. He savored that climb, for he would love to watch her come and moan, but he needed it just as bad as she. That candle called to him, lured him into a trap.

Sizzling hot wax found its way up her bare back, and she hissed in pain; gritting her teeth which couldn't help but gasp as the new ripple of pleasure consumed her, just like that fire. He spread her wet folds and entered her with a finger, while the torrent of arid maps continued, her spine was burning just as her navel; her back arched and he licked the remaining wax off her in a grunt and slap of her flesh. He readied himself at her entrance and gave in.

When he finally felt her silky warmth and softness, he collapsed on top of her, unable to process thoughts or images, unable to breathe or die, he was the one truly lost, a seeker of this sacred paradise.

She bucked her hips and set the tone which sailed them both into the mouth-watering finish; where he grabbed her sides and violently spilled himself into her.

"Did you feel, Rey? Is this what you wanted?" He asked harshly. He kissed away her fluster and sweat.

"Yes," she whispered with hooded eyes."I felt."

Kylo Ren fell asleep next to her, counting hours till the merciless morning stole this night and stored it as a memory. He made her tremble. He made her his. He made her feel. Chills went up his spine, because despite the lies he told himself, she made him feel, too.

* * *

 **A/N Ok, I know what this is...smut with plot. Good? Want more or not? Tell me bc I'm in a tight spot now time wise and will continue only if there's a demand for it. 3**


	3. Chapter 3

**Fait Accompli**

* * *

Ren was studying the topography of her skin. Even when he had tangible, warm scavenger in his arms, she radiated something magnetic, a daring allure to take and never give back. Now, as a hologram, she radiated quartz hue in an impersonal, cold stance.

He was orbiting around this life sized specter standing in the middle of his rooms. His quarters on the _Finalizer_ were but a frugal chamber, devoid of life and comfort. A bed he was leaving empty these nights; a desk, computer console coiled around the walls, and an obsidian carved pedestal. It served as a morbid shrine, hosting that macabre memento of his grandfather's remains.

 _Maybe I should add you to the collection_. Glass smile ghosted Rey's lips, and he would have loved to be the recipient of that affection. But, he wasn't. She was looking at the wall, through objects and time; spinning around as he did. No, she didn't react to his presence, but the thermal frequency scanner of the hologram assured maximal simulation during the transmissions.

He let out a deep breath.

How ironic, that she reacted to his warmth, when at nights, it went the other way. They didn't let themselves get more than a kiss, or touch which burnt and left their bodies wanton and their mouths parched. Kylo wouldn't do that to himself. He was supposed to break her and make her talk; but in this case, he had to pay attention, so that she wouldn't break him.

Nights spent behind her, combing his fingers through her hair, listening to her breathing and scrunching of her face as the nightmares haunted her; these were the moments in life he selfishly stole for himself. Somehow, he felt that breaking her wouldn't make him a victor.

Suddenly, the ventilation in his chamber stopped working. He discarded his outer robes and paced, to and fro, heaving. The air remained cold and sterile, as only the space felt. His fever came from within. Thoughts ignited anger and hatred in him before, but never need, never the thirst for someone's look, a brush of their skin, a kiss on the pulse. She nestled in his mind and he couldn't bring himself to expunge her because wrestling with those thoughts would be a treason; an act of going against nature.

 _Nature_. He was gazing into her eyes, straining muscles of his bare arms. His breathing got uneven; he wiped the invisible sweat from his forehead for nothing came out of him but need, and he had to surrender. He brushed that scar marring his face, the mark she had left on him. His hand embarked on an insane descent down his chest, his torso, to the belt of his pants.

He dug his nails into the leather; it crackled and suddenly it felt like her skin, only harder because she felt slick and warm. The buckle clinked and dropped to the floor. He wiped his forehead with one arm once again, swallowing empty air which scorched his windpipe as a desert fan.

"Fuck," he took his cock out and in his hand, it came to life but not by touch, but by the thought of her delectable lips around it. He made himself hard only by her memory, feeling and letting go while all he heard was her moans, her moisture, her pride. He stroked the shaft a few times and closed his eyes; licking his lower lip to diffuse the growing tension.

His hooded eyelids oscillated, he didn't have to look at the hologram replica, he had her, soft and wild in his memory; he enclosed his hard cock in his palm, so calloused and large, so different from hers. He kept stroking, his breathing intensified, only now, she wasn't there to drink it all; he had to feel for both of them. An image of her on all four flickered in his mind, the ridge of her spine was covered by pearly drops of sweat, he was tracing her small back with his erection, all while getting ready to plunge into her.

"Fuck this," he murmured because she truly manifested in front of him and bared her teeth, like a she wolf ready for mating. Heat crept up his cheeks and his hand got arrested in a frantic movement, up and down where he pressured hard to mimic the sensation of her slick walls clenching him.

The fire burnt everything, every atom in his body was vibrating and buzzing with anticipation and then, he felt the tug in his navel and that fire crowned around the base of his spine to the tips of his toes. His body went rigid. He drew himself up on his toes and came in an undulating wave of pleasure, too pallid in comparison to her, but too real not to ask whether it passed on this plane, or not.

Hot, spilled liquid woke him up from his reverie. He cursed and wiped himself like a schoolboy, like a foolish padawan in need of release. She made him lose his restraints, she made him weak. He zipped his pants and buckled the belt. Once again, Kylo Ren felt coarse fabric of his outer robes, where before the fire reigned; the fire of her memory.

She was sitting on her metal bed, enclosed in her metal cage… Rey's chin was resting on her drawn knees and she kept fiddling with her shoe. _A shoe_. Still better than empty hands; still better than when he filled them. Masked Kylo was watching her from behind the magnetic field cage. She truly was a babe in wonderland, a free spirit tangled into a web of things which concerned people too young, too innocent to be dealing with them. Her hands froze and he knew that was the moment she sensed his presence.

Whether inside her or outside her cell, they always felt each other through the Force bond. That torturous chain would bind them until their death. The humming ceased and he passed the barrier into the room, but not into her mind.

She bit her lips. "Is it time?"

"Yes."

"Where are you taking me?"

"Away." He was towering over her and she didn't dare raise her head. The mask halted any form of pity or compassion she might have felt. The mask was the future and the skin was the past; metal could never compete with flesh.

"But… where?"

His masked voice rumbled. "That is no longer my concern."

She darted up, trying to face him or assault him, whatever reaction came to her first. "Where?" Her nostrils doubled in size. "Tell me! I want to know where you're taking me. I want to know why and … and I want to speak to someone who is in charge!"

"I am in charge. _Of you._ " He tilted his head. _Didn't she see?_ He was responsible for keeping her safe and unharmed; he became the shield she came to hate, but he still deflected any harm which might come to her.

"Where…"her voice broke, she was heaving and trembling. "Where… what are they going to do to me?"

"That is beyond my control." He stepped as close as a dark creature in mask would, when addressing a prisoner. "I told you to give me what I want. I warned you. You thought all the time I tried to convince you to cooperate was a whim? You refused, now bear the consequences."

His voice grew inside her and drained all warmth form her veins. Men in white led her out of the cell; men in white handled her to the shuttle, but in that second, she would have preferred the company of one creature in black. Rey didn't struggle, she was buying time; assessing situation.

One space ship exchanged the other, and they led her to the hangar of a massive carrier freighter. _So, what am I now, a cargo?_ The First Order transported large metal cubes, engine parts and other paraphernalia in the storage hull. Stormtroopers left her there; threw her on the bales of rolled tarp, and left. _They simply left_. Nobody bothered to bind her, nobody prevented her running frantically around the hangar and looking for nukes or crevasses she could escape through. Had they thought her so weak, so defeated? No, the scavenger was beaten, the scavenger wouldn't attempt anything. Rey huffed and hugged her trembling torso.

"I'll show you who's defeated." She cursed as her hands groped metal walls, electrical circuits and even the cargo itself. "I'll show your precious First Order how beaten I am." She knew every ship under the sun. None was impenetrable, and even in this freighter existed a flaw in the design.

Out of the blue, an earthquake knocked her off her feet – the ship started ascending. It had yet to jump into hyperdrive, so the first hour of flight rattled Rey to the core. She had to sit down and hold onto the tarp, barely keeping it together because her chances to escape reduced drastically. Never before had a prisoner had so much freedom, a cell so large she could run circles around it and break a sweat. Now, the ship was flying and that closed her door out. She felt the need to blame everyone in the galaxy for her misery, although undeservedly.

"Stupid BB droid for rolling into Jakku," she sobbed. "Stupid Finn for leaving me alone…stupid Force…"Her head shot up. _The Force_. Rey wiped her face and stood up. She waved her hand in the air and slouched instinctively, as if a giant boulder would fall from the sky and bury her.

Nothing happened.

So, she raised both hands and spun them in the air. The freighter kept flying, her heart kept hammering inside her, but nothing indicated she had used the Force. Weeks of pent up frustration and anger welled up and swam to the surface. She let out a primordial scream, one which gave birth to first stars in the universe and pulverized rocks; one which brought down several metal containers and sent sparks flying in the air.

Vortex of red and yellow filled her vision, she was crumbling but at the same time certain what to do. Her legs carried her to the left corner, to the magnetic latch, which clicked open as Rey's hand passed right through it. The current should have zapped her, the plasma beams should have separated her hand from the rest of her beaten body. But none of that came to pass. She opened it and began strolling down a long, dark corridor.

"Finally," Kylo sighed and tapped the metal wall with his knuckles. He sensed her fear, her anger and rage. The bond…

He rushed out of his chambers to the hangar, but she broke free before he got there, so he was lurking in a small nuke. Rey felt a mighty grip, but comfortable enough so she could breathe.

"I knew you would find a way out." He noted casually. "If you please…" he motioned back to the corridor, back to the cargo unit. _Kill me, but I'm not going back there._ He read her mind loud and clear. Poor little bird got free, and he once again slammed the cage door shut.

"You bastard… you beast." She started kicking in the air, but a mental image of his smug mug propelled her legs further. He just clutched her in one arm and carried her like a doll into his personal cabin.

"You might want to calm down, or you'll alarm the patrol." He sighed, evading her nails on his face. _As if_. She scarred him for two lifetimes, he would never let her anywhere near his face.

All the demons screamed within her at once, ascending from the deepest pit of her lungs; she surged at him and they fell in an entanglement of limbs, his long and brute and hers tanned and willowy. Rustling fabric and slapping sounds of their bodies cut through the air, they battled an invisible enemy - pride and will to prove themselves to the other.

Once, she found herself on top, but he rolled over her and pinned her arms above her head. She bared her teeth and kicked his side, the place she had buried her hand in the forest, into that wound Ren sustained after he took his father's life. His guttural roar pierced her ears; she felt him tense and heave, she felt his pain because he transferred it into a death grip of her wrists. Her skin was burning where he twisted and screwed her tendons like a handle of an engine, revving for the take off.

"Don't you dare… let me go!" She cried out into that mass which was straddling her, but the blinding pain travelled hard and fast and he leaned over her; panting. Skin met skin once again, his face lay on hers and tears streamed down, mingled with sweat and blood. She bit her lip and tasted the rusty odor, quivering under him in panic.

Kylo's eyes bore into hers. He took in her emotions, he divined her deepest fears. Then, he recoiled as if she slapped him.

He hurt her.

He made her cry and wish she was dead, he felt it through the Force. He saw what she was picturing; the sand dunes falling down, eternal sand filling her lungs and choking the life essence out of her. She cried and wished she had never come to be; not even death could free her of his presence. Kylo drew himself up, still holding her arms high above her scrunched face. He eased his grip. She sobbed and opened her eyes. They exchanged accusatory stares.

 _See? Did you have to hurt me?_ Screamed his.

 _See? Did you have to lose control?_ Pleaded hers.

They caused each other immense pleasure before. Now, they tasted pain in unison. They stepped over a threshold together. The fact that he was on top and she under him meant nothing; it could have very well been reversed. Their bodies emanated electricity, their touches, but fleeting, charged their every neuron.

"Are you gonna let me go?" She squirmed.

 _Let her go?_ Could he? He skimmed over her messy hair, her parted lips and flustered collarbone. She arched as a bow, her back pried him away, but he just slid towards her pelvis, not going anywhere.

Rey's breaths were a struggle of its own, but this one couldn't escape her lips. The moment weight smothering her ribcage shifted and she felt the pressure on her pubic bone, she froze. He leaned down and took her lower lip between his teeth; tugged it gently and breathed into her. He would give her his breath, he would make her feel alive. He would never be the cause of her death, her pain. Rey moaned into the kiss. She tasted him and all the pain changed. It didn't vanish completely; it merely balanced into the sweet mixture of raw and rough they had created before.

She started grinding against him, and he smirked into the kiss. She felt it, and his cockiness infuriated her more than any physical melee before. Just as he became so sure she melted under him, Rey jabbed her teeth into his lip and he winced.

"Ouch," he sat up and studied glistening red drop on his finger tip. He lodged between her thighs and whispered. What he said burnt her core. He withdrew and his eyes asked silent permission. _Consent and I can show you the strata of bliss. Consent and we can feel it together._ Rey nodded. Could the answer be anything else? She needed him, both her body and her soul.

The transition from fight to love seemed so natural to them, as their very existence. He unbuckled his belt, the one which crackled, and soon, Rey felt that leather tighten around her wrists. She admired the sheer size of his broad chest, as he tied the knots and her hands faded into the bedpost.

Now, she truly was at his mercy. While she was undressing him in one long stare, he took off his robes, his tunic and shirt. That bare chest came to her and he kissed her once again. He was so tender, like a mason building a shrine, and the shrine happened to be her body.

He undressed her, one garment at a time and only now did she get the true punishment of that belt. She would have been done with the teasing, and guiding his throbbing cock inside her by that time. No, he wouldn't have it. She lied naked, bound by his belt and promises of the sweetest pleasure.

"Please," she purred but he pried open her lips with his thumb. Her tongue circled it and he too, had to control his temper not to fuck her sensless. Kylo spread her legs and unzipped his pant, but this time, she didn't wait. Her ankles were free, so she bore into them and shuffled the offensive piece of cloth down; to free him from the misery.

"Don't beg, it's not going to help you," he rasped into her ear."I'll take you when I want and you can look, but you can't touch."

The dark hair on his hilt were titillating her wet folds, they were joined, but yet miles apart. His erection pressed into her navel, and he climbed up and kissed her. His tongue massaged the innermost corners of her mouth, languidly savoring each lick of flesh, each moan of need. She shivered as if waking up from a nightmare. Her pleasure reflected his own, the Force deepened their sensation; his movements exacerbated the wetness of her slit.

Rey grabbed the belt and twirled it around her wrists like a leash; her body would combust if she didn't feel him inside her, now.

"Oh," she pursed her lips and he gave in. He restrained himself when she was writhing under him like a goddess, ravenous for his cock. But once she whispered with those innocent eyes, once she tilted her head and let the wave of swollen desire carry her away, he was lost.

He positioned himself at her entrance, the very aroma of her arousal made his heartbeat shoot through the roof. He thrust; amazed at how quickly she stretched to match his length. Their bodies rode the same wavelength, creating a wave which rose and fell in a slow, precise rhythm.

Thoughts abandoned them; their bodies and minds ceased to exist. Only thing they experienced was that friction, the fire burning through the soaked curls of their sexes. She didn't moan; she didn't see or hear; she just _was_. She became a single point of consciousness in empty void which only he could fill.

"I'm sorry," he whispered and kissed her, again and again, even though he had no idea what that apology meant. "I'm sorry, I never wanted any of that…"

She had insane urge to brush his face, to hold him, but her hands were bound. His chest constricted and only when she nuzzled his cheek with her nose, he picked up the pace and thrust harder, faster and suddenly, she found the voice and cried out. They came blinded by sorrow, consumed by pain of their forced separation.

Something terrifying became of them.

Unable to exist while apart, forced to hate each other while together. He was lying on top of her, still inside her and in one wave of his hand, freed her of the clasps. Rey's hands landed on his back and she held him, while he listened to her heartbeat, all while an innocent comforted the monster. Little did they know that the comfort was turning him into something new, something haunting. _A new kind of monster_ , one remorseful of his darkest deeds, but willing to carry them out anyway.

He felt her breath and need, but he didn't feel a ray of light permeating him. No, she wouldn't change him into an emissary of light, but at least she learnt to balance in his darkness. Something in his chest tightened and he dreaded unknown feelings growing within. Shepherd too, would have to harm a lamb he grew to love. Survival demanded it, nature required it. Sated Rey dozed off while his lips kissed her jaw and neck. Ren looked at her calm, sleeping face. Perhaps he could defy that order, blindside the nature. _For her?_ No, for himself.

He turned on his side and stared into the night, one of the longest in his troubled life.

* * *

 **A/N Well, well, well... the plot, like the gravy, thickens... and if ya'll here for the smut, that thickens too. win win situation.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Laissez-passer**

* * *

"What does this mean?" Rey kept looking into his eyes. "Does it mean _anything_ at all?" She had to know; she had to go for the kill. Did he hire her body to torture her mind? Was there a grain of truth in his grunting, in his holding onto her for dear life when she felt him pulse between her legs in that mind blowing singularity?

Kylo rolled on his back, staring mutely into the nothingness. He would wrap the night around her to keep her asleep, to keep her dreaming. Neon tube flickered and painted their skins a shade of blue. He had her inches away, but out of his reach…

"It is what it is." He said.

"Why?"

"Because we are who we are. "

"Really?" She craned her head. "And who are we? User and used? A murderous monster and a pitiful scavenger? Tell me, because I have no idea."

She was tired. _He_ was tiring. His presence drained her; it took so much from her, that thinking about it set things insides her mind in motion, dark and maddening spirals of chaotic fragments. Rey sighed. He would kill her. He would flay her of the skin he used to caress; sow shut the lips he used to kiss. He would stand there, clad in dark robes and red hue of his lightsaber, listening to her last heartbeat.

Rey shivered and the neon light suddenly prophesized a future more tragic than she presumed. It was so easy, so naïve to forget everything in the bed of an enemy.

He felt every raised fiber on her skin; he sensed each thought she had about him, and the picture she painted wasn't far from accurate.

"You'll kill me, won't you."

"No." He said clearly.

"But…"she bit her lip. "You will let them do it."

Kylo raised his hand and she flinched. _She flinched_. At his touch… at his intent. Long, hard breath left his lungs. _User_ and _used_ she called it. He would scream. Didn't she know, by now? He moved his hand in slow motion and gently landed on the curve of her bare hip. He traced her soft skin in relentless pursuit of that something only she ignited. Not a sense of being loved… she didn't give him love, or a body; she gave him _trust_. She trusted him enough to let him take her and possess her innermost feelings. She joined him in pain and pleasure and didn't ask for anything in return. Kylo needed to make her see that he wasn't using her and he never would.

He was skimming her shoulder, her collarbone and felt her relax. His fingers slid between the tight crevice of her shut thighs, and only he had the power the pry them open. She felt so soft, so real. She closed her eyes and bit her lip and he was keeping only that image in his focus, only her parting lips, her carnal smell as the scent of her clenched pussy rose to his nose. One finger laid the foundation, two moved her thighs apart and the third stroked the curls between her legs. He sensed her dampen at his touch and even though he stimulated her, it was Kylo who let out a loud, fuming sigh.

"Do you think I'm using you for my pleasure?" He licked her earlobe as he hovered above her, his finger almost there, but still just brushing, just teasing. "I could go on days without and watch you scream under me." His husky voice added another layer to the fire, another log on the heap. Rey's whimper was that of pain, but he knew it was a different kind of pain, that unquenched desire burgeoning in her insides. She started moving on her own, rubbing into the length of his finger and he withdrew but an inch, to let her suffer.

"Isn't this using?" She whispered hoarsely and bucked against the empty air, trying to feel at least her inner walls clench to simulate him. Kylo took in her flustered cheeks and grinned because he caused the spread of those red maps. He tarnished her nipples, now but two hard buds begging for his tongue. Her body responded to the slightest of his touches, to mere thoughts he had, unspoken ideas of what he would do to her.

One look, one dark gaze into her eyes, and she already knew. She knew everything, the way he would angle his cock to bury deep and brush her clit; the way his arm would hold her chest and allow her rise and slide on her whim… For now, he allowed that one finger to go back to her thigh and trace circles around it, until she arched and sheathed him on her own.

She was riding his finger, her face twisted in the utmost concentration, as if she made it her mission to come from only so little of his body inside her. Kylo rolled over on top of her and kissed her, mimicking the motions of his finger with his tongue. In and out, in to cause the hunger, and out to prolong it. Rey's body vibrated and buzzed in accordance with his, and then, when he felt a sticky liquid encumbering his finger, he added another. This time, he bent them inside her as a hook and touched a spot where her texture changed from slick to rugged.

Rey's torso shot up. "Oh …oh…there… right there. " She broke the kiss and opened her eyes, shocked at the powerful sensation. That spot elated her senses, it induced an epiphany of need to have it caressed and scratched and clawed at. He smirked and kept going, hitting that same spot over and over and she fell back on the pillow, limp and complacent to his torment.

"I'll give you anything, sweet scavenger… and I will take nothing." He goaded, but she was too lost in the waves of blinding bliss to register the snark, let alone respond. She grabbed his firm ass and her hands kept probing and trying to connect with his cock; for if the fingers felt so utterly divine, she needed him whole, now, right now or she would die.

"Tsk, tsk… I told you, no. I'm not using you, but you can use some of me." He rubbed his pelvis against those deft fingers and the pressure multiplied, but she knew because her ankles dug deep into the bedding; her head caught fever and she writhed under him until he stripped her of every last drop of her juices. She screamed, her breath ripped her chest apart as her inner muscles clenched around his fingers… and he almost came himself, he was closer than he had thought, and with the last few ripples of her pussy, he thrust his erection into her navel and smeared his seed all over her. Just as he found his release in mighty tugs of his groin, she was riding her climax still massaged by his fingers.

The used and user were lying in a sweet post coital bliss, where the user raked her fingers through his hair. They were soft and thick, unlike she imagined. His entire body was an enigma that she was uncovering slowly, partially. Their nights taught her that his intense stare wasn't a sign to be afraid, but to listen. When his jet black eyes regarded her, she existed and besides her…nothing. Not a star in the universe mattered when those eyes found her. She learnt that his tall body intimidated, but also warmed; his muscles squeezed the life out of mortals, but also protected from the nightmares.

She learnt that Kylo's treatment of her and everybody else in the galaxy differed. The dark lost its malicious streak when it came to her, but didn't fade. The darkness wouldn't surrender to her light, but she found comfort in the shadow, so she didn't need it. Kylo planted occasional forgotten kiss on her chest and ruminated her thoughts. She shared them with him and something would change soon, very soon if one of them didn't put a halt to it. He sighed and nestled deeper in the plateau of her breasts. No, he wouldn't be the one to end this… whatever _it_ was. She didn't want anything from him and she gave so much.

She didn't beg to be saved. She didn't pressure him to let her escape, although nothing consumed her thoughts more persistently than that. And yet she trusted him and allowed him to share these moments of opaque clarity, this contradiction which happened because _they_ happened. He lied on his side and watched her breasts rise and fall in serene harmony.

"I will not let them harm you, not if I can help it." He whispered and gingerly rotated her torso to face him.

"I'll try to get away." She gave him a fair warning. "I will try and you must promise me not to let people be punished after I escape."

Kylo blinked. "What?"

Rey put her palms against his naked chest. "Promise me, that when I get away, you won't kill stormtroopers or innocent people who were supposed to guard me."

 _Is this for real?_ Her neck was under his blade, all he had to do was sway and take her life, and she was concerned about the punishment of others? Something rose in his chest, not a heat of passion, not a cold mist he usually felt before he claimed a life.

He felt …

"Why are you like this? Stop caring about the others and think about yourself." He sat up, letting the covers slide down his torso. His head ended up throbbing inside his palms.

Rey drew herself up. "We can't all let everything around us burn. Nobody ever thought about me on Jakku. So, I have to think about them all."

He dropped his hands, itching of emptiness and in those words, he found her more radiant and beautiful than ever. He grabbed the back of her neck and drew her into harsh kiss, the one where she yielded and he put so much into it, none of them realized how much it all changed.

He stroked her nape and felt her breath rise and fall. His mouth lingered on hers, he felt her lashes brush his cheek like a wind combed through the reeds; and in that moment, he could measure the infinite. When they parted, her deep eyes dewed up and she turned away from him because facing the man she had marred wasn't easy. Centuries could pass and thousands of enthralled could scream, but they wouldn't look beyond the eyes of the other.

This dark poetry had to stop when the carrier landed.

Dreams weren't easy to maintain when they landed on the solid ground of the First Order base. Stormtroopers led her bound body away from him. Kylo was walking in the opposite way, in a direction where she wouldn't be headed anytime soon. The Seven was waiting for him, the Knights of Ren, whom he governed and led into numerous battles.

Rey shuffled her feet, but every misstep was met with harsh poke of a blaster into her shoulder blade. The Order base cast too many shadows, bore too many memories of death for her not to feel it. Being Force sensitive was both blessing and a curse in disguise. They brought her into a metal complex, a large colossus of stone and steel, contorted in a vulgar shape of a temple with pyramid base and four tall pillars on each side.

 _The Force…The Force…_ Rey prayed and invoked the invisible.

Nothing happened.

Winds didn't rush to her aid, the fire didn't spew from a volcano and the waters wouldn't drown her sorrow and this wretched base. The Force betrayed her for she had no idea how to use it. She was trembling and once they threw her into a cell, she sagged like an autumn leaf. For three days, she had nothing in her hands. No notion of time, no meals, no visitors; only a bucket in the corner and a decanter of cold water. They provided as much as for a captive animal awaiting the abattoir.

"I can't…" she muttered, when she realized she had nothing to mark her wall with. If only a piece of flint splintered from a wall, if only a sharp wooden stub jagged from the ground.

She was hugging her torso and crying. Damn be the heroic façade she wore for him. _Him._ She cursed his name. How could he let this happen to her? She harbored no illusions, they didn't love each other. Theirs was a connection born of loneliness and need, not love; but still. The nights she spent with him meant everything to her, a lonely pilgrim on the way to the unknown. Kylo could easily discard her as a used spare ship part and not give a damn. Doubt crept into her mind, doubting and weeping became her daily routine.

Dank cell obscured the outside world. If it didn't, she would have seen a midnight visitor, a witness to her pain. Kylo Ren was standing under her cell window. He saw her bleed and breathe; he saw her curled and desperate. The tactics of the First Order was merciless. It served to induce as much mental pain as possible, not breaking the body but a mind; the most powerful instrument in the universe.

Any other prisoner, he would torture and interrogate in person. Not her. He convinced Snoke that she must be broken on her own time because she was special. He was doing her a favor, a dark and twisted kind of favor which he couldn't tell her about. Had he had her in his hands, strapped to that torture chair for an hour, she would have been stripped of her senses. She would fight back, but her untrained skills didn't match his.

 _Get angry, get mad. You have the power, channel it._ He was weaving a string of whispers and planting them into her mind.

"Rey… give us the map. Do it and you'll be free." She covered her ears. "Don't be a hero. Their lives end in tragedy. You can still live yours. Tell us, and I'll personally take care that you'll get dropped off on Jakku, unharmed."

The room was spinning, the trickles of moisture were seeping through the cobblestone and she drew her knees to her chest. She couldn't bear one more night in here, one more breath of the putrid air, one more whisper of his voice.

"Get away from me. Leave me alone. I hate you…I hate you…" She was rocking back and forth, the moisture saturated her white tunic; her head was splitting in half.

"I hate you too." The voice said it back.

She was losing her mind. She actually felt a warm pressure on her shoulder. She spun and he was there, crouching next to her, unmasked and unbroken.

 _She_ was broken.

He had to wipe his forehead at the sight of her; kneel at her feet and beg. He didn't. He hated her goodness and her stubborn will to always do right, always serve the others.

"Look, I can't help you. Don't expect it from me… but I can make sure that this ends in the least amount of blood for you. Stop this and you can go home. One interrogation, one talk between us and if you give us the location to Skywalker, it's over."

She gazed into his uncharacteristically stern face. "Over…" she whispered.

"Over." He cupped her cheek and she leaned into his touch. "I promise. I'll take care of you… you'll go home tomorrow, if you want."

She had to try to break free from him. She leaned into his large palm and he caught her face as if he caught all the problems in the world and wiped them all clean. Rey's breath hitched in her neck, she was drawing from something within herself. She felt a tug in her chest…she felt hollow, but that pull manifested when he caressed her skin, when his thumb gently skimmed her lips. Something was born from the emptiness and responded only to his touch, not to this cell, not to the cold, not to the ache in her bones.

"I can't." Tear slid down her cheek.

His hand dropped, and with it, the warmth he provided. Red glow shone on her face. The crackling of electricity cut the air. _This is it. I am going to die._ The mortal fear was real, not a thing of legends; Rey learnt. Her body started shaking uncontrollably, her lungs pumped oxygen in an unimaginable speed and she closed her eyes.

No coward wanted to face death, but no brave man would look it in the eye. _Please, let it be quick, please_. She felt the heat on her skin, saw the carmine light behind her shut eyelids, but the hit never came. Instead, Kylo roared like an animal and the laser blade started slashing everything around. The stone wall absorbed his rage, the rock cracked and crushed, the iron bars of her cell melted into grotesque shapes as the lightsaber hacked left and right in a raid of destruction, hitting everywhere but her body.

Only the inanimate sated the beasts' hunger.

The wall shook and swayed from one side to the other, until the foundations gave in and it collapsed into a heap of rubble and dust. The plumes of crushed stone filled the air and he was trying to catch a breath and looking for her at the same time. He couldn't see her through the opaque cloud of his own making, but once he spotted her, the red fiery column went off.

Kylo sank to his knees next to the little ball in white. He was about to scream at her, to make her see, to make her realize that he didn't want to force her. Then, he stopped. A set of three large, raw scratches on her forearm caught his attention. They were shining equally bright as his lightsaber seconds before.

"Where did you…" he pulled her arm under his nose."Who did this to you? Where did you get these?" _I didn't do this. No, even if I had to go to hell, I wouldn't do this._ If a stormtrooper touched her, he would massacre them all.

Her head shot up. Their eyes met. Hers weren't the eyes of a doe lost in the woods. Rage filed them, her stare became hard and indignant and he internally sighed with relief. She found an urge to fight, to burn in that fire which would most likely save her life.

" _I_ did this. I have to mark a wall or I'll go crazy. I used to do it every day, every single one since I was five. There was nothing to hew into the stone here, so… "

"…so you scratched yourself?" He stared at her wide eyed.

"Why do you even give a damn?" She yanked her arm. "What does it matter if the goods are damaged? You're gonna kill me anyway. Also, that was before I had a stone. You gave me plenty," she pointed at the debris around them. "So, you did me a favor."Her voice was dripping venom. "In fact, I should thank you for this amazing gift… thank you for being so considerate and helpful, and taking down the only roof I have. If it rains-"

He closed his eyes in relief. Nobody hurt her, nobody took her from him. He opened them again, unperturbed by her silly monologue and surged into her. _He hugged her_. Rey's body fossilized. He pulled her closer and enveloped his arms around her; she felt his hair brush her neck, his breath on her earlobe. His dust covered robes provided the only source of measly warmth she felt ever since they had thrown her here. The trembling continued and she fit into him. The more warmth she received from him, the more he tightened his arms, the more he pressed their joined bodies together. They created this pure unity, him as an apology and she because he was there, right now, caring.

"Rey, don't do this. _Don't_."

"Couldn't I… "Her shifty eyes circled the open space behind the crumbled wall.

"No." He whispered. "I can't let you go." _But I won't be your instrument of torture._ "I am sorry." He said and began sifting through her memories, the images in her head; old and new, painful and happy, although the latter was but a grain of sand in the ocean. He needed the map. He needed her to give it to him at all costs without having to wound her. "I am sorry…I am sorry…" He kept whispering as another picture passed through him.

"So am I…" she pulled away and looked him in the eyes. His dark ones found a glint in hers, a spark of hope.

Before he could act, she screamed and shoved an invisible obstacle out of her way, only the obstacle was his body and it flew across the room. Roaring winds were tossing his robes around – she evoked them. The Force required training, but it never failed those in need, the beggars for their lives. Rey stood up, her lips pursed in astonishment of the spectacle she created. She opened and closed her palm a few times, amazed by the surge of power she channeled.

Kylo barely scrambled to his knees, when she gave him one last look, spun around, and started running into the night.

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 **A/N I'm a slut for reviews... gimme please. No reviews, no motivation, no motivation, no updates... it's a freaking vicious circle, man. Make mommy happy :) *writes smut and acquires potty mouth in 0.1 sec***


	5. Chapter 5

**Laissez-faire**

* * *

 **A/N trigger warning: reflection on non-con**

* * *

 _I fall. I get up. I keep running._

Blades of grass were cutting into her ankles, gravel piercing her skin like ridge of a razor blade. Sediments of wet soil were encasing her feet, but she was bouncing off and flying like a released arrow, away from the cell, away from Kylo Ren, into the night.

 _You can break my body, but you can't break my mind._

She was chanting a mantra in her mind, all while inhaling cold air, all while avoiding strange shaped object and lights. Desecrate her skin; break her bones - those were the things she didn't fear. She was hurling her muscles in fear of a cage. She had no idea where she was; it was all foreign to her, these woods, the planet, the star system, even the galaxy. How she missed sand, those open dunes where even the cage offered an illusion of freedom.

Trees started getting dense and the moonlight cut in ribbons shone in the crevasses between. Tall elders and pines cast shadows and she saw nothing for a while, then, the winds flung her south, down the precipice, down the circled layers of the same soggy, disgusting soil.

She tripped. Rug burns and wet leaves; she brushed it off because her bones were not broken and her body still had more to give, more to run from him.

 _I fall. I get up. I keep running._

Live shadows were hunting her, not only the dead ones from the trees. Seven outlines rode horned beasts into the same cursed night she was using as her shroud. They didn't care for droids, they didn't need hovercraft to carry them into the wind. The Knights of Ren were surging through the woods with their master at the prow; and the beasts were screeching, leaving gigantic imprints of their fuming hooves on the ground.

 _You can break my body but you can't break my mind._

Images of metal masks imprinted in her mind as she bent her knees and jumped over a rotten log, then another until her heart screamed :enough, until her breath stopped coming and going and set in a scratchy wad near her throat.

She fell down, shaking and crying. Tether never felt so short, its end never so painful. "Run, go, scream, brush it off and fight for your life just like you did when you fell from the _Vengeance_ frigate and broke a finger. Stand up and run, damn it, just like you stood up when Plutt force fed you that one portion as you dared to ask for more."

Rey was no stranger to woes and suffering, but this brought her to the verge of collapse. She dug her nails into the soil and pictured sand, tons and tons of sand, falling though her fingers like a life giving sap, spreading in large heaps which didn't bind her to the dirt.

Ren was getting closer and he knew it.

His thighs were prodding the beast, nevermind the horns which automatically daggered into his flesh. Only those willing to suffer could ride these beasts and Ren would suffer for power and dominance, and he would suffer for her. The clearing vibrated in golden colors. They swirled above their heads, the loamy smell of earth subsided and his nostrils widened as he took in her scent. Only Kylo could discern it for he inhaled her musk while he kissed her lips and touched her skin.

 _...my body….can't break…my mind…_

He caught a thread of her panicked thoughts. "You went too far this time. Stop running, you'll hurt yourself. These woods end at edge of the mountain."

Rey whimpered. She heard him, loud and clear; her mind absorbed his voice like a conduit, such was the strength of their bond. She struggled upwards, using the tree trunk as a makeshift staff. Running seemed impossible, so she just plodded through the mud and underbrush, through thick hedges and dying stubs of wood.

Outlines were getting closer, his voice more resonant. "I am warning you. Don't turn your back on the only friend you have here. I'm not going to show you mercy."

He gripped the leash tighter and snarled into the night. _He meant it._ In a rage concerning Rey, he would encapsulate her throat and drill the truth into her. He would slam her to the wall and make her see things clearly in the red light of a glowing lightsaber.

"Don't hurt me," she would whisper, but he would make himself deaf and blind. Kylo shuddered. It scared him, how much harm could his hands deliver; how vividly the picture nestled itself in his mind.

Hunter caught a whiff of his prey. "Halt." They dismounted the beasts and one by one, drew their weapons. Only Kylo wielded a lightsaber, the weapon worthy of the rank of a Master. _I know you're here, scavenger. Come out._

 _Scavenger_. So, she became inferior once again. _Rey_ was gone, _my sweet_ was no more. His lips knew what to call her to make her feel small and vulnerable. Rey was crouching inside a decayed tree trunk; huddled like a moth in a cocoon. Rustling of fabric silenced the nocturnal sounds; the woods had gone quieter and darker. His robes brushed the leaves, she heard the humming of plasma as he twirled his blade in the air.

 _You can break my body, but you can't break my mind._

She sank her teeth deep into the side of her palm, and if she could, she would have ordered her heart to stop beating.

"You reek of fear. I know you're here."

Something wet dampened her lashes, but not tears – why would she cry? She knew what he would do to her even before she escaped. She took the risk. She wouldn't pity herself for it.

 _There you are_. He felt the pulse of a little bird coiled in an old tree. He wiped his forehead and took a deep breath. The night birds hooted in the crowns of trees, the knights were circling her hiding spot like predators. _One word… one sway of my hand_. When he aimed to concentrate on her image the most, barrage of strange apparitions entered his mind. It flew from her.

Sand.

Little girl in the hands of a monster.

Sizzling sun colored her skin leather brown.

Hands bled, the child felt dizzy from hunger.

Flashes of memories attacked him like a boulder to the chest. He stopped, the crossguard crackled in his arms and he couldn't move a muscle. He became privy to her last thoughts before dying. Once again, in the span of a single night, she expected death to come for her in his hands.

"Come back! Please, come back!" Child's arm was being tugged out of her socket as the monster pawed at her, drooling all over her frail form.

"No," he whispered and the knights froze. "She escaped. We have to scour the hangars. Scavenger will try to steal a shuttle."

"You said she would be here." His acolyte dared to question him.

"I was mistaken. She is strong with the Force," Kylo strode towards the insolent knight. "She cloaked herself and ran the other way. Don't forget who you serve, Maelus. It is not for you to question my authority."

Rey was still breathing only so much she wouldn't pass out. His orders dispersed the six remaining shadows; they mounted the beasts and fled back to the night. Once they disappeared, he demolished that husk that had been shielding her; he pawed and tore the roots and branches, spitting and heaving. He would have shoveled the entire forest to get to her. The fragile boundaries with which he entered these woods shattered.  
"Aaarghh!" she screamed as he yanked her hair and drew her out. He dove his head down, to look into those treacherous eyes.

His embrace entombed her and she saw no way of escaping it. "Look at me," he spluttered. "Look at me when I'm talking to you, you stupid bitch, you nobody! Who do you think you are, huh? Some icon I will worship? I can take anything from you…anything, and _all_ I want is that fucking map to Skywalker! And you're gonna give it to me…"

Rey craned her head up and what she saw induced a blood curling scream. He slammed her into the nearest tree and screwed her arms behind her back. The bark flayed her cheek like a trail of hot iron

"I see the carrot won't work on you," he fumbled into her ear. "You prefer a stick, huh? Is this what you want from me?"

"You're sick…you're deranged…let me…go." She had to fight for every syllable, every single breath. His palms were like ledgers, one grabbed her wrists and the other twisted her hair around his fingers. He brought the entire weight of his body onto her. Rey felt his hard muscles pressing her chest into the bark. She was drowning in tears now, and they glistened under moonlight for everyone to see, for _him_ to see.

She threw her head back, landing in the crook of his neck. Kylo felt her under him, so petite and helpless, in a right position to relish in her punishment. They were wrestling neck in neck, he felt the pulse of her jugular and her breath and gazed into her hooded eyes. Something stabbed him in the ribcage, but the pain was dull and fleeting in comparison to one look from her.

How could she misjudge a character like that? She wondered, crying, trying to block his touch and the pain shooting through her in waves.

"Is this it?" Seven years old Rey clutched a miniscule packet of dry powder to her chest."Is this all I get for that retractor?"

"You get more than a portion, girl. You get a lesson for free. Never trust anyone." Unkar Plutt slobbered over her and cackled. "Never trust."

Since then, she never did. She was handing mistrust to people alongside her handshake. She was as cautious as it got when dependant on her two hands and two legs to clothe her, feed her and shelter her. _How could I not see him for what he is? How could I lie in his bed, let him touch me like that…_

The way she squirmed and fought against him made him hard. He grew harder, and she felt his cock at the base of her spine. He was going to rape her, surely.

Rey kept looking at the moon beam cutting through the riven branches. How the fireflies flickered in the reflection of that cold, silver ray. How wonderful life must have been for them, what with their wings and lights. They always carried a light within, these torches illuminated the forest path on which she would now suffer the fate worse than death. What else could these threats mean? Yes, he was going to violate her and she would cry and watch the fireflies. She would endure it, she gritted her teeth. She would endure the night and pluck the thorns in the morning.

 _You can break my body, but you can't break my mind. You can break my body, but you can't break my mind._

Kylo shivered.

He heard her thoughts as his own. Only now did something break in him. _She thinks I'm going to…_ He immediately dropped his hands, not ever thinking about what this whole setup resembled to a young, scared woman. His head dropped into his palms. He wanted to subdue her and read her mind. He meant to fish out that map at all costs. He would never take her like that… but that was the message this outburst sent.

"I'm…I'm…"

Years of becoming a beast took their toll. He saw himself in her slouched shoulders, in her trembling torso, in her frantic cries and quivering lips. He imprinted something dark and impure onto her in those quiet woods, too quiet for her pleas. He felt bilge rising in his windpipe.

"I don't wanna…" Seven years old Ben Solo recoiled from a furry animal. Its limbs were twitching in the air and its squeals sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

"You must." A voice ordered in his head. "You take whatever you want. You can, because you are special. You have the blood inside you that shaped the galaxy. You can take all and give nothing. If you train under me, you can become great."

Ben's fluttering eyes didn't want to see. His shaking hands didn't want to act. But that voice… he raised his palm and a lightning bolt ruptured the air, it silenced that squealing in a heartbeat.

Was he truly so depraved? Did he really mean it - or was his reaction to her only a suppressed rage, tearing his insides to get out? For the first time in his life, the thing he craved the most scared him. Afraid of power, he scoffed - unthinkable.

And yet…

"I wasn't going to… I didn't mean to." He said quietly.

She didn't move an inch, still pressing her body into the tree, her cheek still brushing the bark, her arms hugging it like a friend in need, like a stronghold of hope. Kylo swallowed a sob and approached her from behind. He dared to lay an arm on her shoulder and lean her into him.

"Why di-d you… you h-ave to d..do this?" Her deep, visceral sobs muted the words. "Why don't you leave me alone?"

He brought them down on the wet leaves and she let him. Both felt that pain, both knew the time for hatred had passed. He immediately discarded his outer robes and wrapped them around her, making it his mission to undo as much damage as he could. Rey drifted to another place in her mind, sailing high in the sky with the fireflies. Kylo knelt beside her and started wiping the tears and dirt from her cheeks. She registered a pale, focused face in front of her. Black waves hung around it, deep set eyes and sharp cheekbones dominated the visage she recognized, but only from the distance.

"What?" He spotted blood smudged over her left arm. He skimmed her arms, her neck, her sides, probing her gently. "Are you hurt? Where are you hurt? I need you to show me."

"Not mine."

Kylo blinked. Then, his hand instinctively traced the circle around his ribs and he flinched. That dull pain… she must have stabbed him in self defense, he forgot because all he felt was _her_ pain, _her_ sorrow, not his own.

"You have to give me those plans Rey," he loomed over her like a penitent, sitting on his calves and brushing her hair away. He spoke softly, barely there, just begging. "You have to do it. You can't do this forever. You said I was sick and you were right. I might hurt you. _They_ will hurt you, they will cause you pain if you don't. "

"Here. Take it." Her glassy stare disappeared and she returned to the cockpit of Millennium Falcon in her mind. Kylo wasn't prepared to see his father, the traitor stormtrooper, the droid which he had so tirelessly hunted. She swept the memory to the surface and he took it.

"Take it and either kill me or let me go. I don't care which one. I don't ever want to see you again. I don't want anything to do with you. If you leave me rotting in a cell, I won't eat or sleep till I die of exhaustion. You hear me?" she said.

He lowered his eyes. "You know I won't kill you."

"Then let me go."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

 _Because I need you._ "Because you're an enemy of the First Order," he said haughtily. "I can't let you go and report to the Resistance. You've seen the base, you're seen my knights."

She hugged his robes tighter. "I don't care about the Order or the Resistance. I won't tell anything to anyone. I just…"

Kylo took her hand in his.

"I just want to go home." She scrunched her face. He laced his fingers through hers, the large took in small, the strong supported frail.

He needed to comfort her and ease her misery, but instead he got greedy for her lips, for her breath. She didn't pull out, she kept holding his hand despite the horror he had put her through. He rested his forehead against hers. Her warm breath ghosted his face, and he pressed his lips against hers.

Neither of them moved. They dosed the excitation in shivers and moans, not frenzy like before. Their connection didn't cause the fireworks. It felt better, it spread warmth over them, it caressed the innermost parts of their souls. He would have her drowned in his large robes, on the knees in the filthy woods, during one cursed night when he almost destroyed it all. Rey felt his full lips, she breathed into the kiss and that breath parted them like a sea. Kylo gently entered her mouth and cupped her cheeks with his hands, and she felt him exhale and breathe in, all while he was tasting her texture and softness.

He drew her in his lap, and she wound her arms around his neck. They were kissing for forgiveness and his penance came in the form he would have never expected.

"You will never see inside of a cell, not while you're with me." He panted as she kissed his jaw. "I swear, Rey…I will keep you safe."

"You killed your father." She threw accusations boldly between kisses, as she savored his neck and his hands roamed her sides.

"I did."

"You're a monster." Her tongue twirled around his collarbone.

"I am." He said and put one hand under her tunic. He was home, her skin was the roof and her ribs the foundation; her round breasts were his and he fondled them, circling her nipples with his thumbs.

She let out a moan, and thrust her chest into his palms. "Touch me," she kept drawing her lower lip between her teeth with his each rub, each circle.

Her entire body was draped over his and he daren't presume how far he could go. She raised her arms and he pulled her tunic and undershirt over. She radiated otherworldly beauty, something primal in the middle of the decayed leaves and russet trees. He buried his head into her chest, licking and massaging her breasts. Rey gyrated her hips against his hard cock, and only when she looked down did she realize how tiny she was next to him. His palm encompassed her entire waist and three of her would fit against that broad chest.

"What's wrong?" He felt it right away.

"Nothing I just…" her chest rose and fell and Kylo withdrew back and looked at her.

"Tell me." His mellow voice beckoned.

"I never had this." Rey sighed. "Nobody touched me for years. And when Plutt handed portions to me, I made extra sure not to. But aside from that," her cheeks caught aflame. "I don't… I don't know how to tell you this without sounding stupid."

He tucked a stray curl behind her ear, pressing her naked chest to his clothed to insulate her from the wind."Just tell me."

"Your skin is the first one I ever felt on my own. It's not about what we do in bed," she squirmed. "It's more, it's… Imagine you're all alone, all the time. There is nobody to greet you in the morning, nobody to lay you to sleep, nobody to share a meal with. I would have been happy with that, and now, we have this." She said hurriedly, embarrassed.

 _I_ _don't have to imagine. I know what you're talking about._ Who would touch a creature in mask? Who would dare?

"Do you regret it?" He asked.

"No." she said all too quickly, too afraid that if she did, he would have rubbed it in like a salt in the wound.

"Rey… "He penetrated her with a stare so intense, that leaves stopped falling from the trees and the echoes of night died out. "I have the map. I have what Sn…what my master wanted me to get from you. Now, we don't have to pretend that that was the thing binding us together."

"I don't understand." She locked her hands behind his neck. "I thought you promised me home. I hoped that you would drop me off on Jakku, like you said. Remember?"

Kylo swallowed the bitterness. Of course he remembered. But it all changed. He couldn't be without her, not now, not when he felt lost and hurt whenever circumstances forced him to watch the back of her retreating head. Give him torture, give him orders, throw him into battle and blood feuds, but take her, and his world would stop spinning.

"It's cold. We have to get out of here. You need to get some sleep, and food." He made a point to say it. He felt her protruding collarbone; noticed her shut eyes when she was getting up as the dizzy spell overtook her. He drew her up and tucked her under his arm after she dressed. Kylo deliberately measured his steps so she could follow and not strain herself. Rey was walking next to him, clothed in robes bearing his scent, walking to the base he called home, and thinking.

Suddenly, the word _home_ got a whole new meaning, as the pictures of sand dunes morphed into a small bed, a single candle and the head of black hair peeking from the covers.

* * *

 **A/N The woods are lovely, dark and deep. Kylo is an angry beast, Rey is wild and has abandonment issues. Go figure where this is gonna go.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Savoir vivre**

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She saw the insides of a cell again. Not the hovel they had held her in before. This was a different kind of prison, metallic and chrome, beeping red and blue, with a soft bed and glass panel overlooking space.

Kylo kept her in one place no one ever ventured to; his quarters on the _Finalizer_. He brought her there on the cusp of collapse, the final moments he had carried her rather than let her walk.

"Don't…" Rey flinched.

He silenced her with one look. "It has to be cleaned." He said and pressed the intercom button.

"I don't want anyone to see me."

"These are medical droids. They won't see you, they will tend to you and get you something to sleep."

He eyed her legs and arms bearing witness to his rampage. Hundreds of small cuts were strewn across the surface of her olive skin, where she hugged the tree, when she dug herself into the trunk; when she fell on her knees. _Because he made her._

"I don't want to." Her wide eyes emphasized the fear of being touched, the fear of letting anything near her, even if it didn't breathe, even if the oil pumped in its veins instead of blood.

Kylo arrested his fingers on the button. "Fine." His jaw muscles were twitching. He took off his tunic and washed his hands; then, he took out a medical kit and sat next to her on the bed. Rey was watching him with bathed breath. His simple black shirt revealed his bulging muscles. Without the robes, he could pass for a simple spice trader in Niima outpost; he could be a smuggler of spare parts, he could be a rogue rascal trying to score some credits in one hive of unsavory nature, or another.

Rey winced as he reclined her leg into his lap and started cleaning the wounds. The cotton wad smelled of something sharp and sterile, something which hit her nostrils and made her sleepy. It stung and burnt and his touch wasn't soft.

"I can be gentle and we can be here all night, or I can get it over with and you can go to sleep in a bit. What do you say?" he asked as his fingers danced on her skin.

She pulled her leg away. "I can take care of myself, is what I say. I did it on Jakku just fine and I don't need your lectures."

She didn't like how he presumed to make decisions for her. "If I want a medical droid, I will ask for one. If I want to have my wounds cleaned, I will do it myself." She grabbed the alcohol and cotton and started dressing them. She made a point not to wince, not to flinch when the liquid corroded those red slashes, her eyes watered and electric currents undulated in her veins.

 _Son of a bitch._ That hurt.

Kylo was merely observing the girl, scrubbing more than raw skin on her legs. Pearls of sweat covered her forehead and she was wiping away his rough touch; she was wiping away her humiliation and applying her pride and dignity anew.

They were an image to behold. Him, sitting on the same bed, but light years distant from Rey; and her ignoring his sighs and attempts to help.

"I want to take a shower." She pouted and tossed the bloody gauze aside.

Kylo mutely pointed to the right and she left the room with head held high. Soon, he heard the pipes in the belly of the walls contort under pressure; the water began roaring from the bathroom and he closed his eyes, envisioning what lied so close, yet so far away. Rey dropped his soiled robes on the floor and gaped as her reflection in the mirror assaulted her. Her sunken eyes deepened the creases in her forehead; her cheek hollowed and her freckles stood out next to dark crescents under her eyes.

She averted her head and turned on the shower, a cube of four glass wall and obsidian tiles, a cube which became covered in the opaque clouds. She didn't feel dirty or hurt; she didn't need to ponder what had transpired between them. She just needed to get clean after days and nights of subpar treatment; after they allowed her one bucket and no dignity.

She bumped her head against the tiles as the currents of hot water slid down her sore back. The soreness became more prominent as the heat jolted her muscles back to life. The glass door opened. Rey knew, even before the gusts of hot and cold mingled together. She hoped he would follow, and he did.

"Are you all right? Do you want me to go?"

She still heard only his voice, somehow more nasal than usual. No touch came to her, although Kylo had to restrain himself not to give in.

"No." She whimpered.

"No what?" he came closer and she felt his body against hers, she felt his taut abdomen muscles on her back. "No, you're not all right or no, you don't want me to go?"

"No." She whispered and turned around. Even drowned in the steam, he discerned her tears from water. This sad, beautiful nymph was singing an elegy to her life, mourning all the injustice and pain she had to endure. Kylo brought her closer and the stream of water enveloped them both.

"It's all right. Shhhh, it's all right now." He was stroking the wet strands of her hair and she got lost under him; not willing to raise her head, speak, or think. He blinked away water… salty water, and looked down, to marvel at how smooth her skin looked despite being put through a wringer. The water turned it into molten caramel, next to his pale; tinged red by the heat and pressure. Once again, they just seemed to fit, even though he had been the cause of this painful sojourn in the first place.

He slicked his hair back and felt a sensation spreading across his chest. A kiss, a quick decal of her lips where she could reach, under his breast muscles, under his collarbone. He threw his head back because she took him into her hand and started stroking.

"Don't…I don't think it's a good idea." He barely croaked because his body begged for more; his cock grew hard and that gave little credibility to those words. _You fucking asshole, not now, not when it's the worst possible scenario in a night like this._

She raised her head, for the first time since he joined her. "I think I made myself clear. If I want something, I will call for it _myself_. I don't need you to tell me what I want, or not, when I want it or not."

Restraints dropped, when all that held them together was fear for her safety. _She wants this, she wants you_. The thought itself kindled a new wave of arousal in his groin and he indulged in that sweet pressure of her hand, in the way her thumb smeared pre-cum around the head of his cock.

"Hmm, yeah, fuck," she took those words as a sign of appraisal; she knelt and tasted that iron coated in velvet. The water dulled the salty musk taste, but she still recognized something of his own in that essence. Her mouth created a point of bliss, a warm paradise and he found himself thrusting harder and combing her hair, bobbing her head for more. Rivulets of water were trailing down her crown, down the curves of her breasts, her hips, and bouncing off her back. He was looking at her; working his erection. Her pelvis was making small pirouettes, as she imagined how that cock slid inside her; how it would stretch her and fill her to the brim.

He would come on her tits, he would watch her swallow and choke on his seed, but then, he shook off this fantasy. Not in a night like this, not when he took it upon himself to make her feel pleasure and forget. He would show her that his touch could bring harmony; that his finger didn't only choke a life out of people. They could be soft and calloused at the same time; they could burn and brand her skin as his own.

"Wait, not like this," he gritted his teeth and raised her up, although purple veins on his cock demanded release, now. He sized her up and she was more than ready, her dark red slit engorged with blood, her nipples protruded like two peaks inviting him to taste them.

He spun her around and raised her leg on a stepping, kissing her between the shoulder blades, licking her neck and earlobes. She moaned and tucked his cock between her legs, rubbing her clit on the surface, and he was hitting her nub of nerves with each stroke, each kiss.

He let out a strained sigh; and his eyes landed on the cuts of her calves. "It's up to you. If you're hurting, we don't have to go all the way, I can make you feel good even with-"

He got his answer in the grinding of her ass against his pelvis, she bucked her pert behind and he watched the water trickle in between her cheeks, falling into the spot he most yearned to feel.

"I want your cock inside me, I want you to make me come."

He smirked at her dirty talk, because she wasn't making up things like that to sound sultry, she really was more than ready and she would damn well tell him. Despite the water, he distinguished the texture of her juices, her own wetness made that first thrust an adagio of bliss, he buried his cock inside her in a long, savage moan.

She wound her arm around his neck and thoughts of steam scorching her skin when flying out of the window, as he fucked her from behind. He was raising her leg higher, to angle deeper, to give her as much pleasure as he could with each thrust.

"Oh my gods, oh fuck yes," she bit her lips and felt his balls slapping her outer folds, he carried her weight in his arms and both of them forgot the kisses and moans, they forgot to talk and cozy up; they just fucked, like two animals.

Water created a new kind of friction, the one where he surged deeper and she stretched to fit him in, the one where she drank the mist and her breasts left an imprint when he tired of carrying her and slammed her against the wall.

Cold tiles contrasted with the heat building inside her and suddenly, he hunched over her and froze, coming in mighty, vicious tugs, coming in loud groans, smothering her body.

"Don't stop, I'm almost there, I'm coming…" she rasped and Kylo bent her over and raked his fingers across her spine. Despite the satiated fatigue which overcame him, he didn't withdraw and kept rotating his hips inside her, massaging her inner walls with his cock, now so sensitive to every ridge of her pussy. Her climax hurt and left him sore; she was contracting and screaming, she was milking his cock, even though he had nothing else to give.

He wiped her with soap, carefully, starting at her neck and shoulders, and left each spot of her body clean; imprinting deep kiss wherever the bubbles washed away. Before they fucked, it would have been a foreplay, but now, the intimate replaced the sensual. He was cleaning those wounds he so longed to dress for her; to make amends for the outburst directed at everything and anything but her.

They were sleeping that night, not as lovers, but something more. Rey woke up with chafed lips and worry in her eyes. _What have I done?_ She gave up the map to Luke Skywalker. _I screwed up_. She did. Fearful for her life, she betrayed a principle; that moral high ground she was so eager to thread. Star Destroyer's engines were purring under the metal of her bare feet as she got up, shrouded in the white silk covers, and stepped to the window.

"Window," She muttered.

Glass panel offered an illusion of space; where the stars were twinkling, where the satellites orbited richly colored planets, where the night never ceased and the dawn came in a burst of gold and blue. That too, was but a paper mâché. One breath in the real space killed; one moment without protective layers froze flesh and blackened lips.

Maybe that moral path she wanted to uphold was an illusion, too, a thing taught by the mighty to follow them into the battle.

"You're up," he peeked from under the covers with an imprint on his cheek.

"Where are we going?" She asked.

"Wha….aaaat?" Kylo stifled a yawn and wiped the night from his eyes.

"The ship – where is it flying? What's the course?"

 _Ah. Too good to be true_. His eyes landed on her form. He brazenly stared her up and down, and she felt something digging in her core, something deeper under that scrutiny. Standing against the silver glow of space, she looked radiant; her hair layered on her bare shoulders, the silk contoured every curve of her body. "I'm sorry, I forgot the question." He smirked.

Rey rolled her eyes and stomped back to bed. "I asked where the ship is go-"

He rolled her over, despite her laughs and protests; despite her kicking and tugging of the sheets closer to her body. Sometimes, her childlike naiveté astounded him more than the throes of passion. "I already saw you naked. Is there any point to this?" He motioned to the covers she was clutching for dear life.

"No." She said and the heat crept form her cheeks to her ears.

Color drained from Kylo's face. "Let me…" he gingerly slid the covers down and revealed a large, purple bruise across her chest. It wasn't there yesterday.

"It doesn't hurt. It looks worse than it is. It's nothing, I've got worse when I fell from a frigate once, while salvaging the-"

The more she talked, the sicker he got. He knew that last night would come and haunt them, but this was too raw, too much. _I did this. I threw her into a tree…a fucking tree and hurt her._

"Stop. Just…stop telling me how it doesn't hurt. Tell me it hurts! Tell me I'm a fucking prick and I don't deserve to be looking at you, let alone touch you." He shuffled away from her. No, this was still too close. He couldn't sit on the same bed as Rey. He darted up and found a safe spot next to that faux window. Rey was biting her lip, watching his naked chest rise and fall, and his dark pajama bottoms grip his abdomen muscles.

"You're a prick. You hurt me. Yes, you're a monster and a killer." She goaded. "I have never met an angrier person in my life. You destroy with one touch, you never listen and you always act before you think. Are you happy? Is this what your ears needed to hear?"

 _This was unexpected_. He would have asked something cliché, like "why are you still with me, then?" But he already knew the answer. She was with him because he held her captive. She stayed because he didn't allow her to go. And she wanted to, desperately – she had told him in the woods. She would have taken any chance to get back to that junkyard of a planet.

He couldn't let her go; maybe the honesty was the next best thing he could offer. "We're heading to the Frygian system. To the planet called…"

"Ahch-To." Rey whispered. _How can I know that?_

"Yes." He said with a peculiar glint in his eyes. "You know what we're coming for."

"You mean _who_ you're coming for."

"Why are you like this? You don't owe the old man anything. You never even met him! I had the pleasure to meet great Luke Skywalker. Oh yes," he spat and slumped on a chair by the window. "Stop fighting for an idea, Rey and start seeing things for what they really are. If the traitor stormtrooper hadn't crashed on your planet, would you have followed the rebels? If we had met before, and you had had the chance to see the wisdom of the First Order, you would have embraced it."

Rey crossed her arms. "Stop thinking for me, thank you. At least I can make my own decisions, unlike you. You're a slave for the Order, always will be."

She gulped. He raised an eyebrow and looked at her. "Go." He outstretched his arm. "Leave, then, when you can make your own decisions. You're so free…such a credit to the liberty of the rebel scum. Leave." He snarled.

Rey bolted to the door, clad in those stupid sheets and not giving a damn. Metal doors didn't budge, quite the opposite. Once her foot crossed the threshold, she was jolted back and blue plasma beams shot from the sides.

He walked towards her. She still didn't turn. Tears welled up in her eyes. _Must he humiliate me everyday?_

"Seems like we're both slaves. Don't talk about the Order. Don't talk about things you don't understand."

She trembled in rage. "I wish I died on Starkiller base. I wish you died. I hate you."

"I hate you too." He slammed the door to the bathroom, loud enough for the glass panels to shake. Rey threw herself on the bed and bit the pillows, crying tears of anger, not grief.

They were on the way to kill Luke Skywalker, to hunt him down like a pack of rabid dogs. And she paved them the way. "Never," she was choking on the venom. "I will never let that happen."

They were hunting Luke Skywalker, but even hunters didn't count on a lost doe to warn her fellow prey.

* * *

 **A/N I'm fucking done, this week has been the worst, ugh at least there's smut, enjoy and show me some love please, it took a lot to update.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Sang froid**

* * *

Green.

Ocean where the eye could see.

White, puffy clouds and seagulls gliding in the gentle breeze.

Rey sighed. Ahch-To must have looked like that; only the coastline more magnificent, the sea deeper and bluer than she imagined. She wouldn't know. Kylo didn't let her set foot outside of his quarters. She was lying on the bed on the _Finalizer_ ; the same wretched nest of sleep and sin where they lay their heads to rest every night.

"Move." She would kick his shin.

"Move where?" he rasped, half-asleep.

"I don't know… _there_ ," she pressed her back into his chest as he was hugging her from behind. "You know, you're always welcomed to let me have my own room, or …or let me go." The last bit was always but a line at the end of a dying breath.

Kylo folded his long limbs awkwardly to the sides and gave her as much space as she required. He would have suffered restless nights and sore back in the mornings, if it meant sharing them with her. He became an addict, a beggar for her touch and affection. He would never admit it. Feeling her soft, warm body when a nightmare jostled him back to consciousness remedied the terror.

Hers wasn't a lover's touch; it was rough and crude, but at least she cared to whisper in her sleep. "Not alone. I'm not alone."

 _You are not. I'm not._ The one in need of comfort passed it back to her. He spooned behind her until she came to herself and shoved him further away.

"Move."

"Where?"

"There."

Neither of them truly meant it. She had to assert her will somehow, when all she had were these petty orders and wicked nightly shoves. He dominated everything; what she ate, where she went; what she wore.

"This looks silly. I'm not wearing that." She furrowed her brows. He said nothing. Black pants and a T-shirt were left on the floor for three days. On fourth, she couldn't bear the stench of her old tunic and undershirt, so she bit the bullet and took it.

Kylo's mouth watered with every step she took as the tight fabric enveloped her curves. Its shine reflected the lights and her ass looked like a juicy peach, ripe for plucking. The standard First Order uniform for female officers looked so foreign on her; and yet so inviting. He was watching her roll a small metal ball form one side of the room to the other. He was watching her peruse an old holocron on fixing up the motivators in AL-334 engines as he went through the briefing of their next mission. She was bored. She was stagnating and he knew it.

"I can't stand this. I just can't." Rey threw her arms in the air.

"Distraction puts us on the spot. This is safe, this is what you have to endure, at least a while longer." He said.

"Why?" Rey kicked a metal container."Why do I have to do anything? I don't want to be here – don't you get it?" She enunciated every syllable by adding another raised finger. "I-don't – want – to – be - here!" Then, she stuck her palm into his face, like a child trying to make a point, like a wronged housewife haggling the price of vegetables at the market.

"Yeah? Well… I don't want you here!" he tossed his tablet aside and stood up. _Fuck, of course I do._ "I already lied to my knights to save your neck, so it's not like I can just parade you on the Star Destroyer and let you roam free. You wanna go? Fine, take your chances, but don't come crying when Hux's personal guards take you and beat you to death during the interrogation."

They engaged in a stare down; where he loomed over her, both clad in black, both heaving and their lips pressed into a thin line. _Damn that shirt, damn those pants. Does she have to puff her chest like that?_ Rey straightened her back to mimic the quarter of his height.

"I'll go. Disable the shields and I'll go. I would have been long gone, if the plasma beams didn't cut me in half. Do it and let's see how I need you."

Kylo would have rattled her like a chain to see reason. Had it been anybody else, they would have been greeted by the end of his lightsaber. Had it been any of his subordinates, they would have been Force choked and left like a heap of manure on the floor. But these were _her_ hazel eyes mocking him, _her_ pouty lips snarling, _her_ arms crossed in a defensive stance which screamed : don't you dare touch me.

And he wouldn't.

He just left here there, without a single word, without a rant which usually accompanied any form of opposition people raised against him. He kept opening and closing his fists as his masked form meandered the corridors of the _Finalizer_. He was roaming those dark straits and hating. He hated his parents; but a weak and foolish pair of idealists who didn't see reason. He hated Skywalker, the liar and an icon of the Jedi; that crumbling religious sect.

He hated Hux and his pallid face covered in spider veins advanced by his anger. He didn't hate Rey, even when he should. He tolerated her presence, and more than that. He needed it. Everytime she put down a thing he said, or an idea he shared, tendons on his neck strained like chords. But that fleeting moment of anger ebbed quickly, and only the heat and passion overcame him.

He had her in any position she would allow, and she wasn't shy. They knew their bodies so well, that when her heart skipped a beat, he felt it. In return when his hands didn't hug Rey in a certain way, she knew he was worried or lost in his own thoughts. Lovers sent signals to the object of their desires, but Rey and Kylo could read theirs without a hint, without any help.

Rey was ruminating all that, while her fingers danced on windowsill. The chambers grew cold in Kylo's absence. The lights colored her skin sinewy; the humming of neons drove her crazy. The food remained untouched, her hair tangled as she kept braiding and unbraiding them for a hundredth time.

He had gone to the surface; his shuttle would have already landed on Ahch-To. Did he find Skywalker already? Was the Jedi master dead, or fighting? Rey gulped. _What if Ren dies? What happens to me?_ Her hands started shaking when she dug them into her tresses. If Kylo Ren died, how long would it take to unseal his chambers and find her there? Rey suddenly saw herself, mummified and curled on the floor, her last words inscribed into the polished tile.

"I was here." Yes, she was and she lived, even though there were none who knew about it.

"NO!" she jumped to her feet and the braid loosened. "I look like a First Order official," she stared at her uniform. "I have to get out of here…I have to."

She threw the metallic ball that had served her as a makeshift toy at the doors. Bright plasma beam scorched its surface and in few seconds, silver melted liquid pooled on the floor. Rey began pacing and scratching her temples. "Think…think." She threw a towel, a wrench, that holocron about the engines; which was the only thing she hefted in her palms a few times, considering sparing it.

Then, with a long sigh, she tossed it at the door, with the same damn results as before. The neon lights flickered as the constant expulsion of protons from the vents overcharged the electrical grid. Rey buried her head in her palms. _I want to get out, not to blow the fuse and remain in the dark for who knows how long._ Alone, in the dark, on the enemy ship – that was not an ideal scenario for an unarmed scavenger.

Then, her eyes landed on the faint pink ridges on her skin; those few scars still healing from the night in the woods. A light bulb flickered above her head. "Of course, yes, of course!" Rey got to the wall in three strides and pressed the intercom button. It glowed blue, but aside from that, nothing much was happening.

Three minutes she was forced to wait left her an emotional husk, her nerve endings burnt with anticipation. Tight black satin didn't let her skin breathe like her airy tunic, so she adjusted her shirt and pants, panting as the sweat trailed down her back. The door slid open and a humanoid shaped droid passed through. It didn't get electrocuted, so that must have meant at least the initial stage of her plan panned out.

"Medical unit 36690 reports for duty. Please set your security code and confirm your clearance, officer. "

Rey gave this tall pile of cables and metal plates one silent look, and without further ado, opened a square box at its chest, plucking two black cables. She connected them together and the droid shortcircuited.

"So, you are out of commission for now, but are _you_?" Rey ambled towards the gate; but there was nothing more to throw, nothing to get scorched. So, she closed her eyes, counted to three and thrust her own arm forward.

She lived.

Her arm remained intact. With a wicked grin and a pointy shard she tore from the droid's torso, she began exploring the ship. Lit but still hazed in a dim aura, clean and polished, but still but a crude slab of ore molded into the shape of a dagger; her home amazed Rey when she first crossed the side corridor of the _Finalizer_.

"Oh my…" Rey clutched her chest and leapt, when a small metal box on wheels rolled past her. It was an MSE-6 class repair droid, designed to fulfill a single function, invisible to the naked eye. Officials paid it no heed when it whirled past them; the Star Destroyer was full of these moving boxes.

She had to evade the main bridge at all costs, so she walked alongside a green line; the one leading to the infirmary, mess hall and locker rooms. She was savoring each foot of her forbidden journey. Dressed like that, she could pass for a low ranking officer; a mere thrall of the First Order. Rey shuddered. A gust of cold air permeated the octagon plateau on which she arrived. It divided the heart of a ship into several sections, and she had no idea which to embark on. She could have sworn something shiny fluttered in the corner, a mirror or a piece of tin foil. When she checked better, the hallway remained empty.

"Ok, I think I've had enough adventures for one day." She straightened the creases on her jacket and spun on the heel. An insane thought kept bouncing around her skull, so loud and persistent it reverberated like an echo. _Find the hangar, steal a shuttle. You can land, and maybe it will have an access to hyperdrive. You can even fly away._

"Stupid, stupid idea. Shut up, Rey." She thought. She made it back in one piece, pushed the medical droid away from the chamber and locked the gate, almost disappointed nothing had happened. Anything was better than the dull echo of her breathing, than a leaky faucet in the bathroom, than a chrome interior of Ren's quarters.

Her fingers left imprints on the metal railings under the glass panel and she spent half the night counting them, getting bored and frustrated by the minute.

The door burst open. Startled Rey fell from the bed at the unexpected, creaking sound. "You're here…I mean, you're back." She said.

Kylo entered and said nothing. He slumped down on the bed and she didn't even think to scramble from the floor. His robes were drenched in mud, his hair wet and profile sharp. He slammed the mask into the ground. Its silver rims glistened red and she blinked, seeing a deep chasm open in front of her, hundred meters wide.

Rey was waiting for this combustible engine to go off. _Me at his feet. If this isn't an appropriate metaphor, I don't know what it._ She was sitting at the feet of a cold blooded murderer. Whose blood the mask bore? Her lips quivered at the thought of an innocent child speared by his lightsaber; or an old man, hunched and crying as the shadows kicked his staff and broke his bones.

"So…" She cleared her throat. "How was it? Did you get to kill someone?" She was examining her nails casually.

His jaw muscles twitched.

"I think you did." She tugged the dirty hem of his robes. "Did you find it relaxing? You know, like a sport exercise. On Jakku, the richest traders had a special hunt every new solar cycle. They hunted people. Did you get to hunt someone?"

 _Shut the fuck up Rey. Don't do this, not now._ Droplets of water fell down his aquiline nose. Rey wanted to take a hammer and shatter this statue of wrath. He was heaving up and down, occasionally brushing his damp hair away from his face. She needed to make him angry and lash out, and then she would get angry and maybe…just _maybe_ she could use the Force again. Yes, the plan sounded smart in her head. She needed to escape from him.

Nothing worked.

He rose like a wreckage of a ship and soon, she heard the shower running. Rey started to cry. Her tears tasted desperate, trails of disappointment and anger at her own damnation. _He is never going to let me go._ She cried herself to sleep, coiled on the floor. Then, she woke up in the middle of the night, feeling a familiar weight on her side. He must have carried her to bed and covered her, since she felt warm and protected.

"You will never do it again." The blood froze in her veins when she heard his voice. "The stunt you pulled this evening. I restrained myself, but I don't ever want you talk to me like that after I return from a mission. "

"You don't get to tell me how to tal-"

He spun her around."Never. Do you understand?"

She discerned a real threat in his ebony eyes; his arms gripped her sides like vise; his naked chest surrounded her like a brick wall. Perhaps she could bribe him with her touch, if the words failed. She exhaled slowly and planted a deep kiss on the corner of his mouth. Kylo closed his eyes, as she moved to the bridge of his nose, his temples and finally, she took his lower lip between hers and tugged it gently.

"You think this hurts less?" she whispered. "You're hurting me whenever you look at me, whenever you kiss me and make love to me. When you're inside me, I feel the same pain as if you raised a hand against me. So, go ahead and hit me, if it makes you feel better after your fucking mission. I don't give a damn."

 _Pain_? Was it all there was to his touch? He scowled into the dark. If she had known how much he meant to worship her when he took her; how much he longed for her pleasure and her release before his own…but she didn't know. No, for her, he was a monster, a captor, an impure incarnation of evil and she hated him.

Kylo was resting his forehead against hers. "We slaughtered a village yesterday, killed hundreds of people who have been sheltering Skywalker. You can be happy," he said when he sensed her tense. "He's gone. He escaped before we landed. You precious old coot is safe. He's still got some days for his bones to creak. But not long…"

He kissed her, drinking in her essence. "Not long before I'll find him and kill him myself."

Rey's hands roamed his back, broad and smooth as a board. "Why does it have to be like that? How far are you willing to go?"

"For you, as far as it takes. To take Skywalker's life - to hell." He moaned into her mouth because she started kissing him again, pulling him closer till she felt his beating heart. If she felt pain, would she touch him like that? She trembled in his arms, and they were caressing each spare part of their bodies, whenever their hands could reach.

"I missed you, you know?" He slid a hand under her shirt.

"Go figure you missed _that_. Every guy does." Rey craned her neck as the wave of pleasure swarmed her. His tongue was kissing her pulse point, the tender skin under her jaw.

"That's not what I meant."

Rey's mind didn't translate the last bit, it was already swimming in the murky waters, as he pulled down her pants and kissed the exposed flesh of her taut stomach; pulling down her panties without ever breaking the connection. He rested her legs on his shoulders, and began kissing her inner thighs, savoring and skimming the skin so soft, it passed for that of an unborn lamb.

She arched and her inner walls spasmed on their own, but a pre-taste of what he offered. Kylo's touch converted the budding pressure in her pussy into sharp, fleeting outbursts of bliss. His tongue licked and stroked the length of her sex, and she writhed under him, tugging on his hair, screaming nonsense, oblivious to time and all the stars in the galaxy.

"More, right there…yes," She panted as he entered her wet folds and thrust his tongue in and out, his nails gently clawing at her abdomen. The scent of her arousal made him grow hard, her taste drained his balls of blood because he had known how she felt, how she tasted. He was watching her, his half-lidded eyes got the greatest satisfaction from the wild, wanton movement she indulged in. She began fondling her breasts, she bucked her hips into his face, ordering him to go on, to lick and suck on her succulent flesh and juices.

Her head darted up, but for a momentary second of clarity. "Come up, take me, I want it." She whispered. Kylo surged onto her with a subtlety of a tauntaun, forever grateful for her decision to join her in the climax.

He thrust into her and for a moment, couldn't move. Two more strokes and he would have been done; so he delayed and locked her lips with hers. Rey tasted herself, she massaged the corners of his mouth with her tongue and in that moment, their joint bodies sang the same melody. They became one on a deep, fundamental level where he felt just as captive as she did. She locked him in her life and he couldn't let go. If he didn't get to wake up next to her, they days would be futile and mornings cursed. If he didn't get to argue about the moon and the shower, his life would resemble the same empty vessel as before.

She gave him purpose, her presence meant no more empty rooms and cold nights; no more guilt trips over Vader's helmet. She got wetter and slicker with each thrust; she opened herself more to fit him in and suddenly, she saw that not all was pain, not all was bad.

She recognized her body as a part of his, not just a sole entity. She came blinded by feelings so deep and so unknown, that tears burst from her eyes. His hot seed was trickling down her thighs, while his lips were silencing those cries.

 _I love you_. He gazed into her eyes.

 _I love you_. She gazed back.

None of them said it; in fact, their faces fought the realization in nasty scowls and pouts. He withdrew from her and rolled on his back. She turned on the opposite side of bed and stared into the night. Only when she fell asleep, he looked at her bare, silky back, rising and falling in precise pattern.

"I feel something for you." He whispered to the sheets, quickly, as if spelling something contagious. "I fucking do and I can't do anything about it."

* * *

 **A/N Heart knows what lips won't speak. Yup.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Rogue reprise**

* * *

She found a spider. Small creature brought tears into her eyes, it felt like a dream; not a nightmare of eight long, contorted limbs and fuzzy body. It was spinning around her palm and she was observing the diligent work of weaving its silky trap.

"Don't do this…please don't do this." Rey stepped in front of Kylo, but stopping this six feet tall mass proved futile.

"Don't do what? Keep you safe? Not bring you to witness another massacre because your idol Skywalker escaped yet another village?"

His words were sharp, pointy. Rey pressed her palms against his chest. That fabric… straw-like and forever black, as if the universe spilled ink, pouring it not only on his garment, but also into his soul.

 _I could have already been gone, If I wanted to._ Her desire to scream the truth nearly bested her resolve to make him see. If he let her go willingly, there would be hope; there would be that line he wouldn't cross. She owed him that much, a chance, an opportunity everyone else in the galaxy denied.

"Listen to me, and listen carefully. I won't be here when you come back. Do you understand?"

He caught her wrists in a soft cage of his palms. "No? And how are you going to do that? Empty threats don't work on me, Rey."

"No one's threatening anybody. I mean it."

"We _both_ mean it." His eyes fluttered from her eyes to her lips and nose. He struggled to find an anchoring point on her face, her beautiful, glowing face. Her entire body was his anchor. "I'll be back in two, maybe three days. You have everything you need, I made sure. I asked the service droids to get me some holocrons to entertain you."

"I thought I suffered on Jakku." Rey stared glass eyed into his chest. "I was wrong."

Now, _her_ words were pointy and sharp. Kylo brought her petite figure into him, hugging her as if it were the last time he would see her. Not because he believed in her foolish threats, but because there was a chance, however minuscule, he might get killed. Who would bring down the titan of the galaxy? Anyone's lucky blaster shot; a stray sway of a vibroblade; a village simpleton whose hand might slash just right…

Rey felt him communicating something in this embrace. She raised her arms and wound them around his neck; despite his sentence of leaving her a hermit. He kissed her first, with closed eyes, bathed breath; dismissing the injustice he committed on her. Rey returned it. He feared it would be their last kiss. She wished nothing more. It might have been their last and the one to lead to freedom. He tasted her lips like an amulet he would carry into the battle. She caressed his like a gate to the Promised Land. The kiss ended when his wrist com device beeped and the stormtrooper summoned him to his shuttle.

Rey wouldn't shed a tear. "You're much better company, even if you won't keep me warm at night." She spoke to the spider. _Warm_. Desert nights on Jakku eclipsed cold. Sometimes, the torso of her AT &T walker froze, like a bottom of a cauldron destined to sculpt her body into ice. She didn't need anyone to keep her warm. Then again, Kylo provided a different kind of warmth. His arms felt comforting and when he held her, she knew there was no force on the entire ship that could harm her.

"Only him…he could." She sighed. _Harm and warmth._ Rey kept repeating those words, weighing her options in silence. When the night fell on the Star Destroyer, the floor remained full of skid marks of her soles. She was pacing, throwing her arms in the air, wiping her forehead and biting her lips. Before she knew, the blue intercom button was beeping and the medical droid had crossed the threshold.

"Medical droid 337 reports for duty. Please set your security code and confirm your clearance, officer."

She put an end to that robotic voice and once again, armed herself with a pointy shard - courtesy of droid's now damaged motivator. Rey was walking the green line, quickly through the familiar corridors. Randomness of her movements scared her. She couldn't keep still, her muscles were twitching and her hands got clammy.

Cold air conditioning felt like arid wind blowing into her face and she started running. She reached the hangar, having no problems to locate it thanks to her years' worth of scavenging the same class ship. Roaring of the battle puts a halt to freedom. Sometimes, it dies in the thunderous applause of important people in the important seats. Click of a blaster put an end to Rey's.

"Stop where you are and turn around, slowly. Hands in the air, trespasser."

Did she turn? Did she faint? Rey saw little but a black tunnel and inside, silver, metallic armor.

"Identify yourself, officer."

 _Keep you safe… distractions are dangerous… don't come crying when they hurt you and torture you…_ Kylo's voice echoed in her mind. The chrome soldier kept asking questions and Rey's heart kept drumming so loud, she had no chance to register them. Then, electricity surged through every cell in her already shocked body, and Rey found herself stunned, on the floor.

Men in white took her away. Her eyes rolled back, but she saw the ceiling of the _Finalizer_. She felt their rigid touch and amused banter, no doubt at her expense. She was tossed unceremoniously in a force field cage, a surrounding so intimately familiar to her; an eternal prisoner.

Prison within a prison, coffin inside a blue, humming cage became her punishment. Displayed as a specimen to be studied, she came to believe she actually deserved this. _Wait till he finds out – unless they kill you._ Kylo wouldn't lift a finger to help her; oh no. She pictured him strolling here – wherever _here_ was – slamming down his mask and sneering. "I told you to be careful, scavenger. Now, your fate is beyond my control."

All the things he said were running through her head; the pleas, the warning. She couldn't lie down properly, she couldn't grasp the bars of her cell for the plasma would slice her hands off.

She had to be huddled in the center, hugging her knees and barely getting any sleep. Nobody came to interrogate her or torture her – and that she found even worse. Uncertainty of death or life, uncertainty of pain or release… _You can break my body, but you can't break my mind._

On the third day, a flick of red haired man's hand lowered the barrier. He pulled a chair and sat in front of her. Suddenly, _she_ became a spider. He studied her like an insect, an anomaly of nature. "How come I have never seen you on my ship? When did you worm your way in? Who are you spying for – the resistance or the old republican government?"

 _He has a mote on his epaulette._ Small speck of dust fascinated Rey, so incongruous compared to the rest of his perfectly tailored façade.

"Are you even sane? Can she even hear me?" he addressed that tall soldier in silver armor.

"We are positive she is of stable mind, Sir. I have seen her lurking around the ship before. When I ran her profile, nothing came up. We set up body scan surveillance and it alerted us, as she entered the hangars."

Rey gulped. That tin foil reflection must have been this soldier – she had been watched even before she had a chance to realize it.

"Hmm." Red haired man scowled. "I don't have time or the affinity to sully my hands with this."

"Shall we wait for Ren, Sir?"

"Ren," he scoffed. "Don't you remember the fiasco with the scavenger, Captain? He had one skirt in his care and look how that panned out. You see," he bent closer to Rey. "Our main interrogator has a weakness when it comes to comely women, it would seem. On the second thought, you're exempt from that danger." He sized her up. "You're nothing special."

His babbling blurred into a monotone white noise Rey had muted in her head. She saw only the blue plasma beams lowered, only the weasel face of this sly man, only the silver solider grappling his blaster. _Run, fight, do something…anything._

"You're right, Captain. We better start ourselves. Inform me of the progress before the officer's dinner." He left without giving Rey a second glance.

Kylo Ren disembarked his personal shuttle. _Something is not right._ He felt a disturbance in the Force. Nothing major, but a deviation from the usually sterile atmosphere on the _Finalizer_. He couldn't ask anyone, since people evaded his stomping block of a body in the corridors. When he arrived on the main deck, he speared right to Hux. "Tell me." He rasped through the mask apparatus.

"Aren't you supposed to report first? I take it Skywalker is not in your victorious possession."

 _Go fuck yourself, you greasy bureaucrat._ "Skywalker is no longer on the island. I interrogated an old chieftain in one of the southern villages. He's gone. But we have discovered something else, something far more valuable to me than Skywalker." Kylo said.

"Nothing is more valuable than the Jedi, certainly not to Supreme Leader. You should not put your agenda before that of the Order, Ren." Hux crossed his arms. His starchy uniform didn't crease.

 _I swear, you're a droid disguised as a man, you bastard._ "Tell me what's wrong here. I won't ask again, General."

Hux's icy blue eyes widened. "Is it your mumbo jumbo? Can you feel it in that force of yours?" He grinned. "Come, I have something to show you."

The very destination of their journey unnerved Kylo. They were heading to the interrogation sector, and whatever was waiting for him there, wasn't good.

 _No. No. No._ He saw her. She was in a post-interrogation glass barrier, and the word broken wouldn't do her justice.

For every drop of her blood they shed, Kylo would spill an ocean of theirs. She raised her head, but not her eyes. _Fuck_. The technique - they almost broke her. She knew her place, she didn't dare look in the eyes of her betters.

Her swollen lips quivered, and she stood there in the shades of red and purple. _Split lip, bruises, bleeding nose, dislocated shoulder, most likely…_ Kylo started assessing her injuries, clinically, devoid of emotions. She held her arm in an awkward position; her hair lay mated in rusty brown splotch on her forehead. _Fuck, fuck…_

Hux shrugged casually. "I was hoping for more progress by now, but she's surprisingly resilient. We believe she is a spy of the resistance. We want to know all there is, so I suggest you get going and don't waste much time on her. Don't concern yourself with the damage – her life is not a priority for us, only information."

 _Her life is not a priority._ No, it was everything for him. Hux left. The room got empty and darker; and Kylo didn't know what to say or do first. The latch on the mask clicked and he tossed it on the floor.

"Rey," he whispered.

She took a step forward, then two steps back. She seemed disoriented to him, or perhaps scared… _of me, again._

Kylo threw his arm in the air and it filled with smoke and sparks. Odor of singed plastic hit their nostrils after he disabled the cameras streaming into the main operating center. Nobody must know. _What the fuck do I do now._ He couldn't blow his cover. He couldn't really interrogate her, when there was no information to extract.

She whimpered.

He made a point of not looking at her. He couldn't stand seeing her like that. "What went wrong, Rey?" He approached the glass panel. "Did they find you in my room? What happened?"

Maybe Hux had found out Ren was hiding her and he was trying to trap them both _._ Muffled sob left her throat and she pressed her palm against the cold glass. "I…I…" _If I confess I meant to escape, he will be livid_. "I got sick. I called the medical droid, but I didn't have the clearance. He alerted that soldier in silver and…" tears were streaming down her face, washing away dried up blood. "They took me."

Kylo blinked away his own tears. He tossed the glove aside and put his palm against hers, so close, and yet apart. "What did they do to you? I need to know." Of course he needed to know. They took his property and marked it. They took something that belonged to him, a sacred object he grew to _lo_ …care for.

"They just beat me, over and over again."

 _Just._ Blood rushed into his ears. "Did they…" he cleared his throat and his other hand balled into a fist. "Did they do anything else? You need to tell me, Rey, I swear you can't keep it from me."

"No. They didn't rape me, if that's what you think. What – afraid to touch tainted goods? I know you don't want anyone's sloppy seconds."

The glass panel cracked under his palm. "Don't, "he was fuming, "don't even go there, not now. I have to get you out of here, so think about that."

Rey's chest was heaving up and down in rapid succession. "Out?" Her wide eyes accused him of everything, in one single glance, in one trail of tears. "There is no out. I'm gonna die here and you will watch."

Kylo flinched. She derived a sick sense of satisfaction from letting him know that. "You're not… you're not going to die. I won't let it happen."

"But that is exactly what got me here!" She screamed. "Because you _won't let me_ …you wouldn't let me leave, you wouldn't let me go… and now…and now…"

Rey sagged on the floor and Kylo went down with her. If she fell, she dragged him with her. If she was hurting, he felt her pain. Screw the Force bond and mystical powers ruling the galaxy. He felt as one with her because he _lo_ …cared about her.

He tapped into her emotions, and never had he drank from a more bitter well. She was thinking about him, cursing him under her breath. _He will rather see me dead than free._

"What?" he jerked back. "Is that what you think of me?" He saw himself in the glass reflection, in her eyes and in the mirror. Three faces stared back. She saw him for what he was at nights, long and torrid where they made love; then, she saw the captor who ensnared her body and mind in a trap. No matter how hard he tried to lie to each of those reflections, the truth came out in her cries and pleas.

He was planting seeds in a garden he would never watch to grow. He was cultivating a deep, yet fragile connection which she didn't want in the first place. Nobody chose him. Nobody loved him. _Love_ …. A vulgar lie which unsealed hearts of many – and he would never get to feel it.

He sobered up. "We'll say I interrogated you. You are a spy for the resistance who knows the location of a hidden map to the rebel bases in the Frygian sector. I'll take you to Ahch-To and there, you will escape. We are done."

"We are done when I'm dead ad you'll pay for what you did." She whispered.

Kylo spun around and hit the glass with his fist. Rey lurched. "I AM NOT a monster! I am not a dictator who tortured you. I fucking care about you, but you would have to climb down from your high horse to see it." He yelled. "I actually give a damn about what happens to you. I'm willing to let you go…I am risking everything and I won't have YOU question my intentions!"

Rey watched him through the fragmented glass, spitting and pacing, heaving and vying for power of those words.

"I don't care you don't believe that killing villagers brings me no joy. I'm a functional person, I do what has to be done. But the moment you start spinning my affection for you into something twisted, you cross the line. You cross the fucking line."

"You're bleeding." She said.

 _No shit._ He eyed his throbbing knuckles, seething in pain.

"You're not alone, you know." Rey lowered her eyes."I wish it wasn't so. I wish I was lying, but I feel it too, I feel something for you, even if I'm fighting not to."

"Yeah, sure. How convenient to confess to a monster when you needs his help to get out of here. At least don't lie. Give me the courtesy, all right?" He grimaced and started wiping his knuckles into the robes.

She closed her eyes.

Surge of something warm and fulfilling stunned Kylo's mind. Once again, they were back at the Starkiller base, where the planets around them were crumbling and the stars burnt out, leaving only two lovers in the snow. He felt her emotions. What she felt when she looked him in the eye transcended anything chemical or carnal.

 _"_ _I missed you."_

 _"_ _Go figure. Every guy misses that."_

 _"_ _That's not what I meant."_

That was the singularity in the universe which decided her feelings. At that moment, she started feeling so much more; a gaping hole in her chest when he was gone; a gluttonous hunger for his touch, when he wasn't present to give it. _Love_ …he thought again. A vulgar lie – but now, they were lying to each other in unison.

He smeared his blood on the shattered glass. Rey joined the tips of his fingers from the other side. She gave him a sad smile. Even on a glass platform in a glass cage, he loomed over her. Their breath condensed on the surface which finally cracked. Rey jumped back, in an attempt to protect her body from the shower of crystal. Not a heartbeat later, he was there, shielding her; holding her, touching her.

She wiped the quartz shards from his hair. He hesitated, but now, when she felt so real, he couldn't deny himself any longer. Those bloodied knuckles gently skimmed her cheekbone. "I know you went out." He whispered. "I know you've been going out of the chambers for some time."

Rey trembled. "Re…really?" She feared his rage – no, she expected it. "Why didn't you stop me?"

"Because you always came back." He shrugged. "I trusted you would, and you did."

Arcane substance hung in the air, all around them, encompassing every atom of their beings and then some. He softly lingered on her lips, just barely not to hurt her swollen flesh. The kiss lasted long, so long that the whirlpools of crystals rose from the ground and swirled around them, in the vacuum without the wind, in the sacred space of two joined souls.

Dark and light were joined in a pillar of shattered glass, twinkling under neon lights like a diamond sea. Was it the Force? Was it one of them, or both? They wouldn't know, because all they saw was each other, all they felt was the touch which swept the bruises and blood.

"Do you agree? Do we have a plan?" Kylo asked, nuzzling her cheek.

 _The plan_. Suddenly, the island didn't seem so liberating. Suddenly, the lights could go out and the galaxy fall into darkness, and she wouldn't be afraid in his arms. _You wanted it for weeks, and now, he's giving it to you. You are going to be free._ For the first time in her life, she might be. Jakku bore the stamp of slavery, even though she was a 'free scavenger.'

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"I don't want to go." She cried.

Kylo arched his lips. "I thought you wanted nothing more."

"I do…I mean, I don't. I mean…" she laughed through the tears and kissed him again.

He closed his eyes, savoring her feathery touch, her devoted _lo_ …feelings. They had a plan. No, he wouldn't screw up. They had a way out – Rey from his imprisonment, and Kylo from Rey. She would be his undoing, he knew it. She would compromise his zeal for power; turn him weak and sentimental. _Darth Malgus_ was a name of an ancient Sith Lord who suffered the same fate. He loved and then, he killed that love. Kylo wouldn't kill her. The next best thing was to be rid of her, to keep her safe and happy away from him.

"Go sit over there." He nodded towards the dingy corner. "Broken cage - nice touch. It looks like I've really interrogated you. Be ready to be taken to my shuttle, most likely tomorrow night. Until then, be safe and…"

Words died on his lips. Any parting message he had would better be delivered now, in private. They wouldn't have any luxury of solitude tomorrow. "And just…"

Rey stepped boldly into him. "This isn't the end. Do you hear me? This isn't the end and we will see each other again. I'm sure, I know it." She bit her lip adamantly. He didn't have the strength to reassure her, so she played the architect and built their courage.

"Don't forget, I still have to save Skywalker." She said.

"And I still have to kill him."

"Yes. You see, we'll cross paths." Rey blinked and retreated to her corner, dying inside. _You don't know what you have until you lose it_. Damn right, she sobbed. He glanced at her curled form, the strength of which only he came to know, and left the room for good.

* * *

 **A/N Review, review, review... so that I know I'm not writing for that nice white wall in front of me, mwua.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Fin du siècle**

* * *

Rey didn't get to look him in the eye one last time.

She paid for her newfound freedom in blood and bruises, but she didn't get to look him in the eye. The mask stayed on, and even if he had taken it off, _her_ Kylo was gone. Trudging up the green clearing in the middle of an island wouldn't be the greatest place to exchange intimacies. Especially when the restraints cut into her wrists; when the stormtroopers dictated her pace with their blasters; when _he_ kept the distance of ten feet between them.

"Stop." said the voice of a dead machine. "Come here, scavenger."

She did.

"Hold still. You are slowing us down and I have no time to loiter around this barren rock with you." He enclosed her waist with one palm, and put the other on her shoulder blade."Grit your teeth. This is going to hurt, but I'm sure your revolution is worth it."

"Aaaargh!" white, persistent dots started flickering in Rey's vision. She felt her entire body being molded and restructured, as Kylo popped her shoulder back into the socket. She started trembling uncontrollably, but he held her still, as close as the touch of a tyrant could.

"You," he pointed at a stormtrooper," carry the prisoner."

"No. I'm good to go, and don't touch me." She yanked her arm, only to make the pain deeper, to the bone. She felt the anger pulsating through her – he could have at least warned her, or better yet, not touch her at all. _He helped you._ Rey hung her head and they resumed the walking in silence. Typical, that his help wandered hand in hand with immense pain. The sun was baking their backs, the ocean breeze wasn't humid at all; it tinged her mouth with salt, leaving a sour aftertaste with each new breath.

Looking for a non-existent base on a cursed island; Rey was barely keeping her feet on the ground. _We are approaching a small lagoon – there._ She heard his voice through a muffled barrier. Indeed, once they spotted the beautiful rift of nature, Kylo waived his hand in the air leisurely. The stormtroopers fell one by one; and Rey was left alone in a place resembling paradise, but not; with a man she loved, but not.

"Go."

"I am."

"I mean it. Go now, and don't look back. Hide where I told you, at the base of the temple. I'll steer my units clear of that spot. Go on." The mask nodded.

So, she went. And walked…and drudged…and kept going…and crying, and wiping her tears. The salt tasted the same, whether it came from the ocean or her eyes. She didn't hear a single seagull; not a single swish of his robes, nothing. The air breathed in her sorrow and exhaled salt, more salt and then iron.

"First Jedi temple," Rey stared at a rough-hewn slab of stone, hundreds feet tall. This crude mass would become her safe haven for the next few days, till she figured out how to get off Ahch-To. She closed her eyes and thought _Force, Force, Force._ But the Force wasn't a mother hearing pleas of her children. It did nothing for Rey.

"The temple is protected by the millennia old shields. Only the Jedi can lower it and find the entrance. You will have to do that on your own," Kylo told her.

"Come on, open!" She stomped the gravel. The stone did what all stones usually do – it simply was. Nothing major changed, the oceans were crashing into the reef; the sun kept setting down and Rey's pain stopped being a matter of minor discomfort. It grew, greedy like a hungry creature ready to devour her.

She would never forget that first night. She slept under the stars, at the feet of the temple which refused to open up. Nothing prepared her for the solitude again. Being loved by someone – that was a luxury; but she could do without it for a time. Being alone was a punishment. It defied basic human nature of companionship and Rey cried herself to sleep that night.

The second day, she picked up some wild berries, half praying they would be poisonous; at least she would have a definitive answer to her misery. She wandered around the island a bit, only to scour the perimeter. "Where are those villages Ren talked about?" she scoffed. Of course, he had a shuttle at his disposal, hovercrafts and speeders – they flew from one end of the island to the other in a blink of an eye. She couldn't cover as much ground, so she kept hanging around the temple, sulking.

"Stupid Skywalker…" she kicked a stone. How foolish of her to think that he needed her help. She couldn't help herself. The second night tested her even more. "Great, just perfect, just…bleh," she spat out a mouthful of water. The rain came and never went away. She had two options now - she could drown in the rain water or let it wash her away into the sea.

"Half a portion," Unkar Plutt said in a voice ringing like wind chimes. She scoped her measly packet and walked the sand, dry and so nice to the touch. Sand kept her safe; sand kept her fed and dry. Rey opened her eyes. No, she wasn't on Jakku, judging by the pruny fingers and shriveled lips.

"Have you taken a leave of your senses, girl?" and old man with a staff crouched next to her. _Father, Messiah, savior…_ this silhouette was cloaked in yarn robes; his bears scruffy and soaked from the rain.

"I…I…c-c-an't f-find the t-temple." She croaked.

He flashed a pair of crooked teeth. "Bah, old wife's tales. You with the First Order?" he sized her up and down. "They came a few weeks ago, burnt down a few hamlets and let with their tails between their legs."

"D-do I look l-like I be-long with the O-order?" her teeth chattered, not bothered to feign insult. _I am cold. I am so cold my bones turned to icicles._

"S'pose not." He barked. "Well, come then, what are you waiting for, a chill? Nooo," he shook his head and trickles of water jumped from his beard. "You don't want to get the ocean chill. We, the sea folk are used to it, but I reckon you're not a local. Come, my hut isn't that far."

 _Warmth and harm._ She used to chant at the star destroyer. How come she got one without the other? Old man's hut smelled like freshly cut wood. There was a bed, a kiln, a large wooden chest and stacks of dried up herbs hanging from the ceiling log. His fireplace spread soothing emulsion in her veins, a liquid silk travelled from the tips of her fingers to the base of her spine.

He offered her tea and some stew, which she ate straight out of a cauldron. The ladle couldn't be big enough for her; and she easily discarded table manners, when she never had them in the first place.

"My, my…you are a hungry one. But tell me, what were you doing out there, in the rain?" he pointed his pipe at her, buffing on an herbal blend. "I saw you last night, and the night before. You were tripping over your own feet, in the rain like a klutz."

Rey wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She would have eaten his whole larder, but still, she was a human and she ought to behave like one. "I told you. I was trying to get inside the Jedi temple."

The old man looked frantically left, then right and leaned closer. "Don't speak that word. _Jedi_. It's forbidden here. One mention could get you killed; and if the Order suspects…hmm, well." He took a long drag from his pipe. "You heard what happened to two villages in the south." He gazed her in the eyes. Rey gulped. His stare was so deep and calm… he had the purest silver eyes in the entire galaxy. "It didn't used to be so bad, but since that masked beast led charge of the brigade of lasers and blasters and fire, we all watch our mouths."

Rey furrowed her brows. "How come you trust me, then? I could be a spy, I could be a sympathizer. For all your talk, you're not careful enough." She said it to make him see, grateful for his help. "I wouldn't want you to pay for your hospitality in the future, that's all."

He laughed, spreading his mirth in the air. "Uhm, uhm…you could be. For all I know, you are the beast's beauty."

The ladle dropped to the floor, clinking. Rey felt her heart jump into her throat. _Does he know? How come he knows? What is happening?_ "The…the what?"

"Naaah, don't listen to me, I'm but an old fool; a sea folk old-timer who is looking to live his last days in peace here. It's late. You – there." He motioned towards the oak bed in the corner, the only one in the hut." I sleep on the top of a kiln, just as well. It does me good to warm my aching bones."

Rey didn't sleep a wink.

The bed screeched with every toss and turn, so she just lied on her back and stared into the ceiling. Fear kept her partially awake, fear that the old man would somehow burn the hut down with his pipe; but not only that. Little Rey had to paint labels on people's foreheads to survive. She read people at a first glance, in on handshake and two words. She couldn't read the old man. He seemed harmless enough, but somehow, she sensed he knew more than he was letting her know.

"What's your name, girl?"

"My name is…it's Leia." She blushed. _Better safe than sorry._

"Leia? What an odd name you have. I have forgotten mine, so I can't tell you. I'm old, very old, you see. You can call me whatever you want. Come, it's time to fetch the water."

They were walking to the well, few miles down the hill. "For the island surrounded by water we have to sweat a lot to get to the one we can drink. Come Leia, you pump. I am too old for this. The road back will be hard, oh yes."

When she was handing him the smaller bucket, she noticed he was missing a hand. "Sorry," she recoiled, when he caught her gaping like a fish.

"Don't be. I am sorry for you – you still have two hands. Oh, do you know how bothersome it is? This one," he curled and stretched his robotic fingers," is very handy. It's stronger and I can chop the entire trunk in two hours. Or – I could."

After three more days, Rey adjusted to the routine. It calmed her, to have a sense of purpose. She would fetch the water, chop wood and the old man cooked and repaired the hut, when the rain whipped their humble abode night after night.

"These," he showed her a patch of red, wild berries, "are not good for you. They're not poisonous, but they'll give you a tummy ache." They were strolling around the island, closer to the interior. "Now, these." He pointed his staff at a shrub of small, blue bells," are delicious with a pheasant. You can eat those, but never cook them too long."

"I'm grateful you're showing me all this, but I'm not staying here long. I have to leave." She said and helped him cross a small trench.

"Yes, that. We have to figure out how to get you off the planet. Won't be easy." He clutched her arm and together, they kept walking and breathing fresh, humid breeze. "This ain't the hot spot of the galaxy. We're deep in the outer rim. No spice traders pass these realms, not even those damn smugglers." He sighed.

 _Smugglers…Han._ Rey blinked away tears. "I knew one, once. He would come here. He loved these inconspicuous planets, the bigger the hole, the better." Rey smiled.

He stopped, and once again, speared her with that look. "Seems like you've enjoyed quite an adventure, Leia." His eyes twinkled.

Suddenly, unbeknownst to Rey, they found themselves in front of the temple. They were both looking at it, but their eyes expressed thoughts different as a day and night. The old man regarded the stone giant as a holy sepulcher. Rey stared at it with gritted teeth, daring the useless pile of rubble to open, or crumble. _Open, you useless piece of rock._

"Have you ever seen a Jedi, child?" he asked.

"Have you?"

"Once, or twice. Curious breed they are, proud and stubborn, always throwing themselves in front of other people's lightsabers."

"Well, they are pretty useless to me. They failed to save the galaxy and now, the First Order enslaves the innocent people."

"Yes…yes they did." He sighed. "Come, time to go home."

 _Home_ – so not a cold dead ship, a single candle and a head of black hair peeking from the covers. Now, her home became a wooden shed and an old, toothless crone. Was she so fickle, so changeable? Had she forgotten about Kylo's touch, his kiss? No, she didn't. She would dream him up very single night. Not only the good - the bad as well. But even the worst moment in his presence felt like a fairytale compared to the loss of his absence.

"I need you, I need you. Please don't do this. Please." She was moaning in her sleep and the old man watched. He became a witness to her nightmares, the ceaseless web of darkness enshrouding her at night. She didn't remember, came morning.

Bunches of dried up herbs hanging from the ceiling were shaking, the entire hut was rumbling as if caressed by the hand of a giant. _She has the Force._ She couldn't control it – the Force controlled her. Her dainty hands were clenching the sheets, her forehead creased and sweat trickled down her neck.

"Beauty to his beast." He murmured. "Beauty to the beast I helped to create."

The beast was sitting in a leather chair at the observation deck, gripping the arms. Leather on leather, crackling heartbeats and eternal sunsets kept him company. He watched two celestial objects intersect from behind the mask; like a king on his throne, like a general of space armies composed of star dust.

Dark blue planet gently glided behind the pale white dwarf. Kylo was watching the spectacle in sped up motion, since the process took days to complete. Their cameras could enhance the visual, but he preferred to sit at the center stage and witness the miracle from the first row.

"Ren and his foolish obsessions," Hux scoffed. Ever since the rebel spy escaped him on Ahch-To, he became unhinged.

"That is understandable, Sir." Phasma said." Imagine you being taking for a fool by the likes of her. I am surprised he didn't insist on staying on the planet longer. Chances of her recapture would have been remarkably high."

Hux steepled his fingers. "Yes, I am surprised as well. But then again, who really knows what's going on in that head of his." Hux made a gesture that made pretty clear that he needed to watch Ren like a hawk.

Hux became concerned only when he witnessed an incident in person - two stormtroopers flying out of the analyst's deck. He would have let it go, had Ren stopped there. But he didn't. His robes shuffled on the polished floor, his arm outstretched mid-air, and everyone who could, ran from the premises. Then, he flung two poor soldiers into the glass panel. It cracked like hollow bones.

"What is the meaning of this!" Hux ran to the deck with Phasma in tow. "Ren! Are you mad! You're gonna kill us all!"

"They disobeyed my orders." He said calmly. Kylo didn't move an inch. His arm muscles strained, his mask was burning the old scar _she_ gave him. The pressure was breaking bones inside the stormtroopers armor; alongside with the special protective glass. The destruction came in that one crack, small, but big enough to break the shields and suck them into open space.

Hux survived only thanks to Phasma's critical thinking – she quickly put a mask on him. Anyone who didn't wear a helmet suffocated, almost instantly. Kylo Ren stood on the deck for a while afterwards, relishing in the fruits of his labor, admiring that mayhem, that destruction he unleashed. Two white dots on the horizon were spinning, floating among the stars. Dead, frozen stormtroopers nearly surpassed the beauty of that eclipse.

The lights dimmed in his eyes; and he could finally rest. _I miss you_. He took off his mask in the solitude of his quarters. _I lo…need you_. He dared to think; to imagine the unimaginable. He was wiping his face with a piece of cloth which still bore her scent. He gently spread it across his bare, broad shoulders and leaned against the wall.

"Uhmmm, no." She blushed and hid her face in the pillow.

"No? He asked. "Never? Not once? I don't believe you." He laughed.

"No, I've never set foot outside of Jakku. I'm telling the truth."

"Doesn't matter." He crossed his arms behind his head. She snuggled closer. "It's all the same. You have gas giants, ice planets, desert planets, tropical jungles and then, megalopolis where important bureaucrats decide politics. "

"And then, there's outer rim…" She whispered."And the dominion of the First Order in the slaver's belt."

They looked each other in the eyes. She sported that little pout, her lips parted, but firmly set; her eyes sparkled and focused only on him. "I wish you could see what I see." He kissed the corner of her mouth _. I don't mean the planets._

"Maybe I do." She was looking at his scar, but the least of all she thought of it as repulsive. His lips were so soft and full, his moles strewn across the surface of his ivory skin. She contoured his face; he leaned into her touch. _I see what you see._

Kylo didn't mourn her loss; the devastation felt too raw, too great. Some days, he barely kept his back straight under the heavy load of remorse and guilt; not for letting her go, but for falling for her to begin with. So, the destroyer did what his nature ordained him to – he destroyed. He would paint his misery in blood of others. He would let the stars know that even a beast could suffer.

"Supreme Leader is concerned, Ren." Hux's thin lips moved, but Kylo heard only static. "I consulted with him, and he thinks it best to return to the outer rim, to the base. Your hunt for Skywalker was a failure, and the spy escaped as well. We're done on Ahch-To; done in the Frygian system."

"Bring Kylo Ren to me. It is time to finish his training." Snoke said after the Starkiller base fell. Hux got nervous enough as it was for stalling so long. But then, Ren had promised to sniff out Skywalker and kill him. He failed. Now, they had but one order to follow, and wasting time on the island planet wasn't it. Hux had pulled the bio scanner logs from the database, searching for an answer to Ren's odd behavior. Kylo Ren didn't sleep for more than two hours for some time.

He dreamed about her every night. She was the first person who didn't leave him, only when her life was at stake. No matter the weeks she stomped and scowled and claimed she wanted to leave. When it came to the decision, she didn't want it anymore.

 _"_ _I don't want to go. I mean I do…but I don't."_

Those indecisive words felt like divine nectar rolling on his tongue. He was abandoned enough times for one lifetime, just like when he was a kid.

"Ben, it's for the best. Uncle Luke will teach you things no one in the entire galaxy can." Leia wiped a smudge from his cheek and looked nervously for the airspeeder to pick them up.

"You're wrong. Someone else can teach me…I have a friend who teaches me."

Leia froze. "Ben, please – no more talk of that. I told you, it's for the…"

"-best, I heard you, mom." He cried. "You don't want me anymore! Is that why you're sending me away?"

Leia clutched her chest. She had to remain strong, even though her heart was bleeding, as only a mother's could. Her features hardened. "Ben – it's my will and I am your mother. I love you, and I want what is be-"

 _Best_.

Kylo shuddered at the memory of it. The best had already happened to him - Rey happened. Someone in the galaxy didn't want _her_. They put her away, like a used engine part on the junkyard desert and left. Little Ben noticed little Rey under the scorching sun.

"Who are you? You're my mirror, unwanted, unloved, misunderstood and led to believe you need someone above to show you how to live."

For a moment, he wished he never joined the Order. Then, he wiped his face and acquired a new sense of clarity. "No – the Order is all I have left now. It's all my life is worth; service to the Supreme Leader, living the way of the Force."

Their Force bond gnawed at him, buzzed in his ears like a gnat. He saw Rey in some wooden room, clutching the sheets and whispering nonsense in her sleep. This fickle image was all he got, all he allowed himself to see. Had he seen more, he would have gone mad.

"General – we need to talk." He walked onto the main bridge.

Hux mentally prepared himself for another tirade, outburst, or a convincing session. "What is it?"

"I agree. We should head back to the Order base and regroup with General Admiral Thrawn. However, I insist on finishing what I started. I need a week or more and manpower. I located the Jedi temple, the first one in the history of the galaxy."

"What good does a slab of stone do us, Ren?" Hux mocked.

Kylo stepped into him, and Hux backtracked from his shadow. "You don't know anything. You don't have the Force – for you, it means nothing. But I'm sure there are certain artifacts to be uncovered for the benefit of the First Order. Are we clear?" he asked, not really for permission.

Hux snarled. "No, we're not clear, Ren. We've never been clear." He narrowed his eyes. "What is it with you? First, you're thirsty for blood, then, you wanted the map just to save the Hossnian Prime - oh yes, don't think I don't know that you weren't keen on annihilating the star system. And now…" his blue eyes glinted. "Something's changed. I won't have you jeopardy our mission. Put it together or the Supreme Leader will hear-"

Kylo lazily raised his arm and Hux's tongue tripled in size. He couldn't breathe. "The Supreme Leader will hear about my dedication and diligence in pursuing the enemy. Are – we - clear, General? Blink if you agree." Ren's voice was laced with sarcasm.

Hux blinked and Kylo released him from the Force vise. No, he wasn't ready to part with Rey for good. One more day – one more week…hell, he would have taken one more minute with her. And now, he would get it.

* * *

 **A/N Since my need for validation didn't magically disappear overnight, I NEED your reviews….so just give it, pretty please. Also I apologize for second smut-free chap in a row, to those who just want their smut, but I swear – it's important. Smut is coming in the next, pinky swear. _I see what you see._ My heart bleeds for both of them, poor souls…but "he would get it." So…**


	10. Chapter 10

**Amour Fou**

* * *

 **noun**

 _ **uncontrollable or obsessive passion**_

* * *

Kylo was tracing small circles on her battered skin. Purple faded to shades of green and yellow. Sinewy maps were spreading across her jaw, her neck, down to the clavicle. He was extra careful with his fingers, just barely touching and always looking into her eyes to see when was too much, when she would feel pain.

Rey smiled. "I just heard what you were thinking, in my head." Her eyes widened, as if a child received a present.

"You did?" _The Force bond is growing._ "That's something. I must keep you out of my head when we do certain things," he smirked."Wouldn't want you to see that."

She swatted his hand, but his reflexes caught her off guard and he rolled her up on his torso. The sheets slid down, her breath hitched and those hazel eyes rested on his. They kept looking at each other as if they just invented love; as if their feelings should amaze everyone in the galaxy.

"I never thought I'd see you again, this soon." She whispered.

"I knew. I always knew I couldn't stay away for too long." He said and hefted her in his arms. She weighed nothing, even prostrated on top of him, even if he saw and felt her skin on his. His arms sought reassurance; his mind ran in circles, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the dawn to end this fleeting moment. She laid her head on his chest and dozed off, listening to his heartbeat.

It was raining when Kylo and his cohort landed on the island. All went quiet. Not even the water hit the reef with the fierceness of the days past. The hollow Jedi ground sensed the malevolent visitors, clad in dark robes and white armor, armed by more than blasters, ready to more than plunge and destroy.

Kylo felt as if he had known every crevice of every rock by heart, so much time he wasted on this island. "Deploy the unit, Captain. I need to make rounds and verify something on my own." He said to Phasma, watching the rest of his troops board the rectangular hovercaft. They were headed to Zesch, a nearby settlement which Ren had chosen as their operational base.

"Ay, Sir." She said. He took Phasma because he trusted her. He took her because she was fiercely loyal to the First Order, and now, he _was_ the Order, outranking every officer on this planet. She would serve him, no questions asked. Kylo started walking down the slope; his feet bore deep into the long fissures wrought by constant downpour. The erosion posed real danger, he slipped and stumbled a few times, but his height offered him a much needed balance.

 _Where are you? I can't see you._ The ridge of rocky coastline stretched infinitely, and the one he sought was nestled somewhere within. He could feel it. He could feel her presence; the faint sound of her heart and see her very face reflected in the water. _There._ She was bathing in a small lagoon, using those few rare days when the rain stopped to cleanse her body.

The old man went away for a day and night, gods knew where, trying to rent a small ship to get her out of the island. His decision to entrust his home to her surprised Rey, but then again, she really posed no threat to anybody. Unarmed and lost on Ahch-To, she could do little besides keep the fire and guard the hut. She was bathing in nice, lukewarm water and gazing at the sun on the far horizon. Her white chemise became one with her body. Translucent fabric revealed the curves of her breasts and hips. It offered the view of her skin glistening in all its splendor.

Kylo was standing a few yards from her, hidden behind a boulder. He descended on the planet with one goal in mind – get her back at all costs. He knew she wouldn't go forcefully, so, he had thought up the next best thing. He would bind her in freedom, offer her whatever she wanted and then, she would concur - in time. Patience, not strength would help him in this matter. She had to decide on her own; she had to see what he saw.

Rey scooped the fresh water and poured it onto her hair, drinking in the sun beaming on her; smiling as she stole this moment of solitude. He marveled at the creature so sensual, and yet so shy. She still kept that undershirt on, and he realized that no one had ever seen what he'd seen. She entrusted her body only to him and nobody else.

She splashed the water, just because she could. The whirlpools created small, foamy plumes, she touched the bubbles and they burst, and Rey chuckled, caressing the water with her hand. Suddenly, she felt someone grab her from behind, but strangely enough, she knew. The moment his skin connected with hers, _she knew._

"It's me." He whispered, not to frighten her.

"I know."

Kylo spun her around. _Were her eyelashes always this thick? Were her eyes always this luminous? They're green…no, light brown…no, green._ He noticed things, new things he had never seen before.

"Have you come to take me back?" She lurched, but he tightened his hold on her.

"No."

"Why, then?"

"You really don't know?"

Rey closed her eyes. He was gripping her sides, but the touch wasn't severe. She felt him tracing small circles on the wet fabric absentmindedly, while he scrutinized her as if the island changed her face, as if he'd never seen her before.

"You came for Skywalker again? Or burn down some more villages?"

 _Can someone so brilliant be so thick?_ "That's the official reason of my visit, yes." He wanted her to figure it on her own and tell him. _Come on, Rey, just admit it._ The moment she would tell him he came back to be with her, it would be real. The thing they had would be real, only for them, not for the politics of the Order, not for the success of the resistance.

 _I wish you could see what I see_.

Rey's mouth froze half-open. "For me? Just to… see me? Not to ship me back to the star destroyer?"

He shook his head.

"You're not gonna force me to go back?"

"No."

"You're not gonna make me open that temple for you?"

"No." he said loudly. "Is it so damn hard to believe I have no ulterior motives? Forget it…" he dropped his hands and started ascending the ravine, away from the lagoon, away from her.

If he made five steps, it would have been too many. He felt a light weight of something dragging him down, and in that instance, he could burst with happiness. Rey jumped into his arms and he caught her.

"Where are we going?" he panted through one of hundred kisses lovers shared. The small dragged the large; she took his hand and dragged him somewhere further to the interior of the island.

"It's a place. I live there…come on, hurry."

Kylo smiled at her eagerness. _It's not just me._ Their excitement matched. She was equally happy to see him. Her flustered cheeks mirrored his, he almost couldn't catch up to her long strides; she was sprinting and leading them into the unknown. They walked through the acres of forsaken green meadows amidst the ocean. Kylo didn't even register the hut, all he saw was the bed, and he gently pushed her on it.

They both knew it had to end, once. They both saw the scorching consequences of this passion, love…whatever it was. But then and there, _he_ existed and then _she_ , and nothing else.

Breathe me, she kissed him, only me because I am a part of you. He slid her wet dress on the floor while her fingers worked the patent of his robes. He contoured her sides and took her breasts into his palms, cupping them slowly. He lowered his head, just breathing.

"We can never bring this moment back…" she thought, when finally, they both discarded their clothes. "This is all we have."

Their palms were touching, their bodies collided together, and he held back not to hurt her already bruised body, courtesy of the First Order. He felt like a storm about to break a tree in the wind, and with it, a part of her. She belonged to _him_ , and he wouldn't cause her harm.

"Don't," she was combing through his hair, as he hovered above her. "It's all right. I don't feel pain."

He seized her lips selfishly, letting go of all concern. The fervor with which she reciprocated startled him, she kissed back viciously, almost trying to split his lip and taste the blood. Kylo slid the tip of his tongue along the edge of her ear, and she trembled under him. They hadn't even started yet, and she couldn't surpass the anticipation of his body on hers, of his hard muscles pressing her into the bed and his cock rubbing her clit.

"I missed you so fucking much," his tongue traced circles down her neck. He was kissing her chest, her breasts, while his palm pressed down her navel. Those large hands glided lower and lower, till he brushed the hair between her legs and she moaned. "I would have played with you more, but I won't. I wanted to fuck you for weeks, and I need it now, pet."

She got wet when she saw the look of hunger in his eyes. He sported the same voracious look as when she woke up strapped to a torture chair. Did he feel something already back then? Rey arched her hips up, in a desperate try to make contact with his naked skin, enveloping his torso with her ankles and bucking against him. "I'm good, so stop talking and fuck me." She licked her lower lip, but he captured her tongue with his and kissed her once more. Love was a dirty word, but she taught him all about it. They fucked before, but they treated it like something dirty, harsh, something he did with her and she returned it just because he wouldn't let her go. Once she left her prison and he came to visit her in freedom, their touch felt different.

He rubbed his cock against her wet folds and she bit her lip as the surge of anticipation shot through her. There was something mesmerizing about the way his body pressed into hers, she longed for that weight, to feel him on top of her. She couldn't get enough of his smell, his expression when he tried so hard to delay the inevitable. He grew hard just by thinking about Rey on the ship, and now, he nearly came before they even began.

Kylo buried his head in the crook of her neck. He slid inside her, inch by inch, letting out a long moan. Better not know, better not feel this pain coated as bliss. How could he be outside of her and still exist? His body relapsed into her, as her tongue entered his mouth.

"I missed you too," she moaned into the kiss and felt him smile.

She clenched her pussy around him and he started thrusting, all while she gyrated her hips to meet him, thrust to thrust. He was unrelenting, going harder and faster, thinking about his own release inside, her inner walls stretched to fully accommodate him, and only now did he ram mercilessly into her. His hand shot between their bodies and he started rubbing her clit, making her moan loudly with each stroke. He was inside her, outside and in her head, his entire essence filled Rey's body and she no longer cared where one part of their being began, and the other one ended.

"So...tight, fuck." He groaned, gritting his teeth, rubbing her clit, smearing her juices all over.

"The bed…" she grabbed his ass and prodded him further, "it's…" she threw her head back, unable to process coherent thought, "gonna…break."

"Don't care." Her words didn't even translate to him. He felt her temperature rising, and it turned him on even more, if it was possible. His jaw muscles twitched as she clawed at his back, and he latched onto her nipples, when he couldn't bear the sight of her breasts bouncing to the rhythm of his fucking. _Not yet, not now._ He felt the tension in his groin, but she still had a way to go. It was impossible, when he looked down on her glossy body, covered in sweat and their juices, at her face screwed in an expression of pain, her closed eyes and upturned head.

Her pouty mouth was sucking in air, trying to cool down the heat in her lungs. "Turn around," he commanded. He needed to change positions to last longer, because her writhing body and tight pussy were driving him crazy.

"Forget it," she raised her half-lidded eyes. "It's been…too long…just …go." She panted like a heated torch under him and slid her own hand between their bodies, stroking him hard through their dripping juices.

Kylo was on the edge, so close. He groaned, withdrawing completely and thrusting back once more. He came and fell on top of her, and Rey desperately grinded against him, trying to tie their climax together.

"Fuck," he pulled out and propelled his torso on his arms, as if ready to do some push-ups. He didn't come to her all this way just to leave her undone.

She almost cried, as he started rubbing the cock coated in her juices against her clit. He reclined a bit, pressing the weight of his own pelvis between her and his cock, creating a friction that nearly ripped her apart. He felt slick, warm and full, straining his chiseled body to drive the length of his cock alongside her swollen slit. The throbbing between her legs peaked. _Fuck, oh fuck_. Her curls turned into one wet patch, and he felt himself go hard again, which surprised him. He surged back into her, only to feel her walls spasming wildly.

She grabbed the sheets and screamed something about his dick, only too crude for him not to smirk. Hic cock was massaging her cunt, right in the middle of the explosive contractions and she screamed, quivered and fought for one more second of this agony, one more shiver up her spine, one more rub which threw her entire being at his mercy. He felt something wet dripping down his cock, an ample amount of liquid he had never felt from her before. She came squirting all over him, and he let out a guttural moan, deep and savage when the warmth titillated his sensitive tip. "Shit, oh shit, you're so wet, you're dripping all over me aren't you, little scavenger."

Her pressure and heat tugged inside him and he came for the second time, jerking further in, instinctively feeling the need to be as deep inside her as possible. She curled her feet, spread her legs wide apart and squirted, as he licked her nipples, biting them hard; through pain to pleasure.

"Oh, oh gods," she felt dizzy, blinded, used, riding his dick and forgetting to breathe.

Kylo was watching her fascinated, his mouth hung open at the immense climax she experienced – and he caused it. It was him who had ever seen her like this, no one else. She was still clenching him, her orgasm now subsided into a pool of wetness spread on the sheets. Unmistakable musk of sex filled the air. They started to catch their breaths in a mass of slick, tangled limbs.

"You feel like a man, huh." She wiped that smirk form his face, panting. "Great thinking in that last bit, points for you. That was…" She puckered her cheeks.

He laughed, fully, maybe for the first time in a decade and the redness crept from his cheeks to his large ears. Rey had to laugh at him…with him… _together_. He kissed her and together, they rode the bliss after the frenzy, kissing and regaining consciousness.

So, here they were.

Rey was sleeping on top of him, and Kylo brushed her hair, his tips just skimming, not to disturb her. She took him on an adventure and made him forget his sadness. How could one feel so torn? He became someone else in her presence; not Ben Solo, not Kylo Ren. He didn't have to be afraid she would mock his feelings. What were they?

She huffed, drooling. _She drooled_ _on him,_ and he found it cute. It meant her sleep was deep, she trusted him so much that she slept like a log, knowing he would keep her safe. On the _Finalizer_ , she often counted stars in her mind till the morning duty called and Kylo needed to leave. He knew whether she slept or not, tortured by the constant craving for freedom he couldn't give.

"Igetismuchfor… foroneportion." She purred in her sleep.

Portions, heat and sand - his hands balled into fists. He would obliterate Jakku, if he could. _You can_. The Order had the means which meant he had them, and he could use them. He closed his eyes because red, vibrant glow blinded him. He found himself back on the star destroyer, overlooking the laser shooting from the Starkiller base. Billions found their demise in that bright, red glow, knowing what would come, forced to watch and tremble. The inevitability of it drove them mad, even before the Hossnian prime exploded. His mother's home planet, Alderaan, had met the same fate.

Kylo started shaking, beads of sweat rose on his forehead. He barely noticed something warm moving in his palm. When he looked down, he gazed straight into her open eyes.

"You had a bad dream?"

"Something like that." He kissed the tip of her nose.

"You want to tell me?"

"No." he said and she didn't nag. "What are you doing?" he asked as she rolled off him.

"I'm letting you breathe. You could have shaken me off when I fell asleep."

"You weigh nothing. In fact you should eat more. A lot more." He poked her ribs. She jumped away, with a look of utter horror on her face.

Kylo immediately followed. "Did I hurt you?" He quickly assessed her, from the tip of her fingers to her toes.

"No…no, it's just," she bit her lip. "When you surprise me like that, when I don't know people are going to touch me. I don't have my staff here, you know. It's a reflex, I guess – from Jakku."

 _Fucking Jakku._ "OK." He took a deep breath. "You need to tell me these things, all right? All things. I want to know what you're afraid of, what I can and can't do."

"Why?" She arched her brow. "We're not gonna stay together. You came to visit, remember? Unless you leave the Order, or I join – which is not going to happen, by the way – this is all we have. All we'll ever have."

She sounded so cynical, so reconciled with their forced separation. Kylo bared his teeth when she wasn't looking _._ He wouldn't give up what was his, never. He didn't mistake her for a property – but she was his and that would never change. He would be the only man that could touch her and make her scream his name. He would be the only one whose eyes she would greet in the morning.

Rey got dressed in a hurry and started cutting some vegetables, throwing them into a large pot, concentrated on her hustling hands.

"Who else lives here? I was worried that you already somehow got out of Ahch-To, but I figured it would take time." He fastened his belt and sat behind the massive oak table.

"An old man. He gave me shelter, but don't worry, he's not going to be back for a day or two. He went to Zesch, trying to get me a ship. It's actually very nice of him, now that I think about it."

The smell of boiling meat was rising, and Rey crushed some herbs in the mortar, adding them to the mix. _This is so surreal_. Kylo was sitting at a table while she cooked dinner for them. They could pass for an ordinary couple living in one of those backwards outer rim planets. They would breed like rabbits, live in a concrete house with two domestic droids and a tiny Corellian ship. She would get up and water the starblossoms hanging from the windowsill, and he would get yelled at, because she didn't need "help flying the ship she had put together herself. Just get the ship ready and stop pestering me." He saw her so vividly, so close to him.

Corners of his mouth curled.

"Something funny?" Rey asked.

"Yes and no." He drew himself up and started rummaging the room which constituted as entire house. He didn't like the idea of Rey living under one roof with some old, probably crazy man. He brushed the table made of fine, solid oak. Then, he nosed into the drawers where he kept his clothes, simple as a monk's cassock. A broad treasure chest in the corner caught his attention. He opened the lock with a flick of his wrist. _Bless the Force_. He peeked over his shoulder to see if he truly would get yelled at by the real Rey. _Great_. She was too busy with the stew, so his hand dove to the bottom of the chest, grappling at various objects, probing and touching as if he discovered a real treasure.

He stuck out his tongue like a naughty kid, when he felt something cold and metallic. With a bit of luck, it would be a dagger and he would convince Rey to leave with him, once again.

Loud clinking sound startled Rey. "You all right back there? Please, tell me you didn't break the old man's stuff. Kylo, I swear if you-"

She walked towards him and froze. He was crouching, just like he had once done with her, strapped to a torture chair. Under him lay an object which they were both intimately familiar with.

"You recognize this?" He rose, and suddenly, she didn't feel so safe.

"It's a lightsaber." She said matter-of-factly.

"It's not just _any_ lightsaber. I've seen it before." He walked towards her and Rey took a step back.

"So what, the old man probably found it near the temple. Maybe some Jedi forgot it there, or...or…" She kept backtracking, until her back hit the sink and she had nowhere else to go.

Kylo towered over her, so close she felt his breath on her skin. "Oh yes, _some_ Jedi. This," he shoved the handle into her face, "is Luke Skywalker's lightsaber, his original one, not the one he inherited from his father. Remember, huh? The one you fought me with on Starkiller, the one that gave me this?" Kylo pointed at his scar.

"You have no idea of knowing that. I don't want you to raise your voice, are we clear?" She feigned indignation and stuck her chin up.

He stalked her to the corner. His shoulders were trembling, tendons on his neck protruded and Rey floundered back to the night woods, back to the abuse which was deeply regretted, but not forgotten. He had hurt her once, and she wouldn't allow his distempered self repeat it. If she had her staff, if she had anything in her hands, she would use it. _On him._ Forgetting what he was became so easy in his bed.

He ignited the lightsaber and the entire chamber was thrust into a deep, emerald glow. Rey's hands were feeling the wooden sink behind her, trying to grab a pan, a spoon, anything just to feel safer. _Just in case_.

"For fuck's sake, stop it!" He roared. "I'm not gonna hurt you, stop being so afraid all the damn time!"

"I'm not afraid of anything!" Rey tossed the spoon on the floor. "Anything, but _you_." She spat. "Look at yourself. You act as if this was my fault – how can I know why the old man has Skywalker's lightsaber? For all we know, you're mistaken. You're so obsessed that you see relics everywhere!" She yelled at him from the top of her lungs.

"It's his. I know it is." Suddenly, his face smoothened and he grabbed her arms. "How did the old man look like? Tell me what he looked like."

"Let go." She wiggled without success. Just as his embrace protected her in her sleep, it wouldn't let her go now, squeezing her hard, demanding answers.

"Tell me." His dark eyes bore into hers. Now, he _was_ hurting her.

"Just a man, an old curmudgeon, he has grey hair, a beard and crooked teeth. He…he smokes a pipe and he's injured, maybe when he chopped wood or something. Let me go, I swear if you don't…" She fought him; her slim hands were wrestling with his robes.

"Let me go, you son of a bitch!" She tried to kick him, but his grip was unrelenting; his hands shook and dug deep into her flesh.

"Or what? What are you gonna do, huh? Plot with the resistance? Have you lured me here to sell me out?" Something in his stare scared her more than the manhandling, more than the clinking of the china in the cupboard - such was the force with which he shoved her.

"Look at me," he commanded. "Look at me, tell the truth!"

"Aargh!" Rey let out a blood curling scream. Suddenly, the glass in the cupboard shattered, the plates rolled on the floor. Foul stench seeped into the air, it smelled like a burnt electric cable. Rey was trembling because an unknown substance coursed through her veins, something powerful and invigorating. _I caused this._

Kylo didn't have time to explain she had tapped into the Force, like an untrained novice, a lost padawan in need of guidance. "Is he missing a hand?" He slammed her hard against the counter. "The man – is he…you said he was injured. Is he missing a hand? Answer me!"

Rey stopped fighting. Her eyes watered, not because she couldn't stand being so helpless against him. Kylo's head dropped. "Oh, Rey… oh no, no, no. I don't believe this. It's _him_. It's been him. He took you in, gave you shelter – he probably knows who you are. He could feel the Force in you."

She finally freed herself from his grasp, swallowing a choked sob. Of course no one in her life showed her kindness just because of her. If it was Skywalker, he had an agenda, just like everybody else. He must have recognized her and kept an eye on her, just to keep her in check – a foolish scavenger dabbling in the matters of the galaxy. She never felt sorry for herself, scavenging, bleeding for her portions. But the events of months passed showed her fates worse than Plutt's junk market, worse than lightsaber duels and torture. She asked – why me?

 _My name is Leia_. She started crying. He must have had a blast inside when he heard her transparent lie. She hid her face in her palms and heaved, crying for a helpless little girl, abandoned fifteen years ago in a desert. _Have you met a Jedi? I have._ She spent days in a company of the one who shared the same blood as her lover.

Kylo dug his fingers into the metal handle of the lightsaber. It burnt in his hands, the weapon which almost slew the Emperor; the one battling Darth Vader himself. _Do something._ She looked so pitiful, so devastated. Her small shoulders rose and fell together with her dignity. He put the saber aside and approached her. She crashed into his chest; he locked her in a different kind of embrace, the one where he already spun plans in his head to kill Skywalker for his insolence, for the way he had lied to Rey.

For a split second, he doubted her. She knew – she must have, unless Luke cloaked himself in the Force and posed as an old beggar. But her visceral reaction put out any doubt he had. They were toying with them both, these power players in the galaxy. Luke and Leia, magical twins, wonder babes risen from the blood of Vader ruined Kylo's life and now, they tried to worm their way into Rey's. He wouldn't let them.

Kylo's forehead vein started throbbing, he hugged her tighter.

"Come, join the resistance." Leia beckoned.

"Come, train under me and become a Jedi." Luke steered her on the other side.

Never - Kylo would never let them play god with her. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Rey." He rested his chin on top of her head. He got it. He got why she felt like this, saved by an old grandpa who wasn't so ordinary after all; who saw the power in her, rather than a person worthy of saving, even if it was just a thin, hungry girl.

"I want to leave. I want to go back to Jakku, now. I want it now, and I want to see my friends… I don't want to be here. I will fight for the resistance." She kept saying into his robes, over and over again.

 _The hell you will_. He wouldn't let her fight, period. "And I want you to come with me. I want you to be locked in my quarters on the _Finalizer_ till we grow old and I'll rule the galaxy." He thought. She heard him, in her head, loud and clear and immediately scrunched her face.

 _He would bind her in freedom._ He had a plan. He gingerly pushed her aside and bent down to wipe her face. "Whatever you want. I'll take you there. I don't know how, but I'll manage it somehow."

"And you're not mad we won't see each other again?" she asked.

"Of course we will. Look at where we are – in the middle of a secret island, in an uncharted outer rim territory, in a hut of Luke Skywalker. I lied to the Order to be here, and it worked. So…" he sighed. "If it's Jakku you want, I'll get you there and I will see you as often as I can."

Rey's heart swelled. Three words hummed in her heart for some time now, but she wouldn't allow herself to feel them. He would let her go – _willingly_? Screaming and fighting belonged to them just as much as these tender moments of unconditional…"I love you." She blurted out.

His eyes widened. "What?" The last thing he expected after treating her like that was hearing those words.

Her red, blotched face beamed. "I love you. I just realized, so I had to tell you." She smiled.

Kylo's heart started beating unimaginably fast. Yes, he planned to lull her into going with him, but he never thought hearing something like this would be so magical. "Good, good." He joined his hands behind his back, as if ready for a formal delegation. "I realized a while ago." What the hell was he supposed to do now? His mouth dried up.

"So?" She waited with bathed breath. "Are you gonna say it?" _This is it_. Somebody, somewhere would tell her they loved her. She never heard it before. How did people feel when they heard it? Would something change? Rey's entire being started buzzing with electricity.

"No," he shrugged, grinning on the inside. "I don't think I will, no."

"What?" She gasped. "But it's…it's the rules! "You have to say it, if you mean it. You don't know what it means to someone, I mean only if you mean it, I don't want to hear a lie, if-" she started squirming on the spot, repeating the word 'mean' so much it stopped sounding like a proper word.

Kylo pulled her into him and kissed her, so fast she nearly lost her footing. He leaned closer and whispered something in her ear.

She withdrew with such sweet look on her face; he vowed to sear that expression into his memory forever. He whispered it a second time, watching her eyes go brighter, only by the power of his words.

Rey closed her eyes.

'I love you' felt like getting a whole new portion without having to work for it. It felt like falling asleep with a full stomach under the starry sky. It felt as if she was swimming in that diamond lagoon, and never having to fear she would drown, because someone was there to hold her.

These feelings went beyond the First Order, beyond Luke Skywalker, straight past the resistance. They hugged each other, relishing in the admission which came after the storm. So what if he had to drop her off on Jakku. She loved him. So what if he wouldn't leave the Order to fight for the light side. He loved her _._

Together, they would work it out. There was a chance they could, and no matter how small or improbable, they would do anything in their power to seize it.

* * *

 **A/N Thank you for comments, reviews and support, also the guest comments. I see you and I'm very happy :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**Call of the Void**

* * *

Rey was sitting on her porch, drinking cold water and gazing at the grandiose sunset. _Her porch._ When Kylo brought her back on Jakku, she ambled towards her old AT &T torso, and nearly wept at the sight of it.

"Oh no, you poor metal box." She sighed. Rusty coating covered the entire front panel, and the roof was leaking, corroded by the eternal abrasions of ubiquitous sand. Her doll, her flowers - it was all as she left it; forgotten and withered.

"I missed eighty-three scratches." She whispered, gently sweeping the sand from the ridges on the wall. _I fell in love in eighty-three days._ Suddenly, her arm tingled; the one where she cut herself to mark those three days in the cell. Did it even happen? Was it possible to feel so desperate, so utterly alone?

She slept there the first three nights.

The locals barely noticed her absence, same went for her presence. The only ones who acknowledged her were Unkar Plutt's lackeys. Chewbacca ripped his arms out on Takodana; and since then, the overlord hid inside his junkyard palace, refusing to see anyone. He still employed (read: enslaved) half the Jakku. He remained the uncrowned king of Niima Outpost, but now, he not only sowed fear – he got to feel it.

On the fourth morning, two strangers approached her. She was sitting in front of the walker, brushing her boots, when a beige Twi'lek man coughed out loud.

"Good morn to you, eh, miss."

Rey shielded her eyes with her palm to see who would speak to her like that. She felt undeserving of a longer look, let alone the title 'miss.' "What do you want?" She jumped to her feet and grabbed her staff. The alien was accompanied by a male human, a young golden haired boy. Their clothes screamed foreigner, but the state of the fabric and sand in every crevice told her they had resided on Jakku for some time.

"I am merely a purveyor of property on various outer rim planets, miss. I mean no harm. I have actually been contracted to negotiate with you." His long headtails, called lekku, were flapping and he raised his hands in the air.

Rey twirled her staff menacingly. "Speak plainly so I can understand, not in riddles." She snarled, ready to strike him the minute she stopped liking his tone.

"Karawn nabat, karawn nabat _,"_ he kept saying; his lekku curled and aligned together.

"What the hell… leave!" Rey said. "This is my home and I won't listen to your crazy mutterings." Oh, how weary she became of strangers, even those weak looking ones who would most likely not cause her harm.

"No, miss. Karawn nabat means 'have strength, oh wise one'. It's a saying my father taught me and now, I repeat it should I find myself in times of peril." He rubbed his palms together. "I find it relaxing."

Rey shook her head. "What do you want from me?"

"Let me speak with her, Anoon." That pretty faced boy stepped out of his master's shadow. "We're here in good will. My Anoon – my master - has been send here to show you to your new house."

"I don't have credits for a new house." She spat. "Just leave me be."

The boy looked slightly older than Rey, but significantly younger than Kylo. Rey was comparing everyone to Kylo, whether it was an old drone cleaner from the cantina, or her former partners in the scavenging business. She saw him in a hundred faces every day, and yet, his was the only one to the image of which she fell asleep.

While Kylo was a man in his prime, tall and broad as a brick while maintaining his lean sculpture; this tanned boy was shorter, willowy and his face chiseled and kind. His eyes were deep, plain brown. They contrasted with the gilded mop of longish hair which kept falling into his face. He reminded her of someone… another blonde farmer boy she had seen in her dream, a long time ago.

"The house has already been paid for. Everything is set, we just have to get you there and sign the contract. That's all." He smiled.

"I don't care. I'm not going anywhere with you two."

"Look, my name is Callum, and I am just a messenger. If you won't take over the property, then I and my master have failed to do our job. Not only we don't get paid, but we have wasted three weeks trying to locate this, " he scrunched his face and swiveled his head," this… slightly archaic planet. Please, we mean you no harm, miss."

Rey's hands slid down her staff. She threw her shoulder back and bit her lip, thinking. "Fine. Show me, then."

If they led her to a trap, she would get them first. She was walking last and watching them fervently. Niima outpost was by no means a dream town, but if one had to choose a spot to live and feel human, it would be in a lucrative quarter south of Plutt's junkyard palace. They were walking in silence and Rey cursed under her breath. Nervous fidgeting of that Twi'lek attracted attention, not less than shining head of the golden boy. Few unsavory scavengers from Plutt's hive kept staring at them, deliberately slowing down their speeders and laughing.

They led her to a solid house consisting of a copula roof, two front windows and small garden in the back. "After you." Boy smiled and stretched his hand like a true gentleman.

"You go first." Rey nodded.

Once they entered, Rey forgot about the staff or her two unlikely companions. It felt every bit non-Jakku, as any place in the desert could. The interior was bright, but not too much to emulate the outside scorcher. Seashells and solid, cherry wood adorned crème walls; and there were plants, plenty of green shrubs and ferns. It smelled like honey mixed with fresh grass, it smelled like…

"Home." Twi'lek said. "Welcome home, miss. Now, if you would – I need your hand print here and signature there." He shoved a tablet into her hand.

"I didn't say I accept it. I know nothing about it – who bought it? Where are the owners? How come I'm the one who gets to live here?"

The boy and his master exchanged nervous glances. "We are just-"

"Messengers, I know. You said so. But I'm not going to take what's not mine and live on someone else's dime. Forget it." She felt almost insulted by this whole ordeal.

She wanted to sleep here tonight, and every other that would follow. She imagined sweet beeswax candles burning during cold, starry nights; huddled in a blanket and watching holocrons. She pictured all the green she could grow here, all the portions she could cook on the large stove in a nice kitchen and her heart constricted.

She wanted to, but she wouldn't.

She denied herself basic human companionship for ten years, just to wait for a family that would never come. She knew hunger and pain; she lived day by day, cramping from the knot in her stomach, twisting and turning till she nearly passed out of hunger. She could do without nice houses.

"A fund has been set, an anonymous fund with clear instructions to provide for you. We truly don't know the details, miss." Callum said and then, as if someone loosened a rubber rope forcing his mouth to smile all the time, he came closer. His face sported dubious expression, and he looked her in the eyes. "It's not dirty money. We've checked – it has nothing to do with the… _Order_." He whispered.

Rey recoiled, uncomfortable with him standing so close.

"Stay or leave – that's up to you. But please, just take the house from our hands, legally, and we can be on our way."

So, Rey did.

One scan of her sweaty palm later, she found herself sitting on _her porch_ , drinking cold water and pondering the strangers, and even stranger turn of events. The bustling beehive of Niima was dying out for the night. The lampshades started to flicker in the windows; and the smell of sizzling meat filled the streets thronged with strangers, smugglers heading for a night cap, and various alien visitors trying to close back alley deals behind Unkar's back.

Rey's mouth instinctively watered as the smell of meat hit her nostrils. How she dreamed about a piece of it - glazed with oils and seasoned with spices, as a child. She cooked herself a broth from the measly supplies she had found in the cabinet and drank the liquid, while ruminating the answers.

 _Kylo_ – the most obvious one popped into her head first. No, he wouldn't lie to her like that. She saw his concern for her well-being on Jakku, he made his disapproval abundantly clear when he had dropped her off.

"This is beneath you. Why would you choose to live like a last beggar, instead of comfort with me?" He kicked the walker torso. His giant foot speared right through the thin plate.

Rey creased her forehead. "Living isn't beneath anybody. I survived like this for years – and I never had to hear being compared to a beggar, not from my rival scavengers. Imagine how it feels, coming from you."

 _Shit._ He freed his foot and wiped the dust from his robes. "That's not what I m-"

Rey turned her back on him. "That's exactly what you meant. What – now that you see where I came from, I'm not good enough for you?"

 _What the hell?_ He spun her around. "I never said that. I don't think that, at all." He said out loud, needing to reaffirm those words.

"It can't be the way you want it to, Kylo. You can't have your doll in a playhouse on the star destroyer and come home to fuck her at night, when you feel lonely. Most of the time, I was dirty and hungry, sad and afraid. If you saw me those first years, you wouldn't touch me. I looked sick and pathetic, till I learnt how to take care of myself. I had to fight so many times, that street urchins gave me a wide berth, whenever they spotted my staff. I carried it when it towered ten feet over me. I carried that staff and I learnt how to use it even before I figured out how to tie my shoelaces properly."

An image of little Rey struggling with that monstrosity of a staff flickered in Ren's mind. She was careening dangerously at the sides, dragging her feet behind, scraping for food. _Fuck me_. "Rey, I-"

"See, that's why I can't understand – that's why I will _never_ understand, how you could have left your family. How could you have chosen anyone else before the people who-"

"Enough." He said in a deadly, quiet tone.

Shivers ran up her spine when she heard it.

"That's why I'm offering you something better, with me. I can give it to you. I can take care of you." He pointedly ignored the topic of his family. He was willing to let her speak to him like that, only because her ignorance excused her. _For now._ "I see how you suffered and struggled and I don't want that for you anymore. So, stop acting like I'm the bad one here, Rey."

She shuffled her feet in the dry sand. "It's not like you're inviting me to share a roof with you. I will never set foot into the ship where I was beaten and tortured. Or have you forgotten that, too? How convenient." She spat.

He groaned, kicking the walker again, this time with all his might. The dented wall crumbled with a loud thud. "I haven't forgotten. I will never forget." He crossed an invisible line which separated safe from dangerous. He was too close, there was too much of him in her personal space.

"You just can't help it." He snarled. His black hair reflected the sun, his ivory skin ghosted these dunes as a specter from a different realm. "You just have to bitch and feel great when you're right and I'm wrong. You're self-righteous, just like my mother used to be. She bowed down to senators and worshipped politicians, like a fool, like a rag even if she had the Force. She was better than them. I've had enough of your putting me down every fucking time we talk like this."

Rey closed the distance between them and put her hands on his arms. For a moment, he though she was making amends and his forehead smoothed. Then, she skimmed the surface of his robes. _What are you doing, little scavenger?_

She sounded cold and distant. "Where's your off-switch? It has to be somewhere, because only you can turn off your conscience at whim. This isn't about who's right and wrong. You are a murderer. You killed your father, you wiped the entire planets of life, you… you are who you are. That itself makes me right. That's why you're _always_ wrong – in my eyes, or the eyes of the galaxy."

"Arrgh!" he swept her hands away and cried out into the clear, blue sky. Rey shuddered. She didn't mean to go this far. _Damn my mouth._ She had seen him like this, once. She had fought him like this, burning the trees and melting snow on the ground. The mask of a vicious animal wasn't a mask after all. The animal was hiding inside of him and she invoked it.

He grabbed the nape of her neck roughly, staring into her eyes. "You," he was heaving, "you're fucking lucky I feel how I feel about you."

"That just proves my point." She said cold-bloodedly.

His eyes widened and the leather gloves crackled, as he balled his fists. He squeezed harder. Rey gulped. Kylo flung her closer to him, so close he could count the specks of green in her irises. She was shaking on the inside, but never averted her eyes.

He stopped shouting and stomping, he let go of her neck. His voice sounded broken, almost reconciled with the fact she saw a monster in him, nothing else.

"Don't mistake my feelings for tolerance, Rey. I will not tolerate this. You know nothing about me. You know nothing about my reasons to join the Order. Your family deserted you, but mine sent me away, too. When you've had a voice in your head whispering to kill and not going away until you did, then come to talk to me."He raked through his hair nervously.

He never discussed his life prior to the Order with anyone. Life before the Supreme Leader showed him wisdom felt insignificant; it felt weak and he was but a follower of the foolish Jedi dogma.

"Dreams." Rey whispered, quickly wiping away the tears.

"Huh?" Kylo slicked his hair again.

"For me, it was dreams, not a voice. Before I even knew what the Force was, I had these terrible, long dreams. Not just nightmares. They were night terrors, dark and neverending. I couldn't wake up. I couldn't look away. Something held my head, forcing me to stare into the heart of a monster and I couldn't look away. Then I dreamed of the island...the ocean and me drowning in it. Then…"

She spread the tips of her fingers apart, trying to anchor herself in this reality. She took a deep breath. "I am sorry. I shouldn't have said those things about you."

Had they ever argued? Feelings, stronger than before, washed through Kylo. It scared him, how temperamental and fickle their bond was. One moment, they fought and bled through words, the other he nearly knelt and professed his love to her.

"Hmm, well you didn't lie. If you did, I wouldn't have been so mad." He rasped. He was a killer. He killed Han. It was all true, and when she threw it at him, it hurt.

Rey came back to the shadow of his tall body. She raised her doe like eyes and scrunched her nose. Kylo watched her freckles dance on the small ripples of her skin. All was well when the freckles shone, free of tears.

"I'm gonna say it." She bit her lip. "Ready?"

He chuckled wearily, resting his hands on her petite hips. "Ready." She made a point of never saying those words into the wind. It was such a big deal for her that she needed his undivided attention, she needed to scream it into his heart and he had to listen.

"I love you." _I love the killer, too._

Kylo leaned closer and whispered into her ear. She closed her eyes, when he said it back. It wasn't the words, but the tone. It changed, softened and he spoke from the heart which he had closed off to the world a long time ago.

He fucking loved her, even when she posed an uncomfortable mirror. The very first time he strutted into the interrogation chamber, he felt so sure of himself. And she bested him. She spread the deepest, darkest fear in front of him – and he ran. He couldn't bear looking into her flushed, glistening face; into that mirror screaming "You are never going to be as strong as Darth Vader."

But he loved her, maybe even since that very moment. He loved the mirror even if it showed him the worst in him, because the mirror loved him back.

They stayed like that, embracing each other and he felt all the darkness dissipate, as if her sincere confession dispersed a heavy cloud above his head. Rey watched the ship leave, till it became but a small dot on the horizon. She was crying, because this was the second time in her life when a ship left her feet planted in the sand, while it soared to the sky.

"I will come back as soon as I can." Their foreheads met. He always slouched to meet her, lowering himself down.

"I will be here." She kissed him softly, afraid that she'd forget his taste, his texture, his smell. "I will be waiting for you." She straightened the creases in his collar.

So, she waited.

Rey started cultivating her home. It was the littlest things first, like adding a set of curtains bought for a nickel from the back alley handlers. Then, she bought some holocrons and stacked them on the shelf. Three bright, blue pyramids reflected sun beams and coated her rooms in alluring, cerulean glow. She cooked for herself, and didn't have to worry about the money – it mysteriously flew to her account; not a fountain of riches, but enough credits to live more than comfortably.

"Whoever says they're bored when out of work, are lying." She patted a stray tooka cat which got used to hovering in her back yard.

Rey fed her a saucer of milk every morning, patting her thick gray fur. She wasn't bored. How could she be? No having the skin of her palm cracked and bleeding from the rope burn – she could take that boredom any time.

But as the time went by, and two full weeks passed since Kylo left; she grew anxious. Sense of guilt was gnawing at her. Finn, Poe and Leia – they were all fighting unknown battles in unknown regions of the galaxy. Even Luke Skywalker must have been long gone from the island; perhaps he joined the resistance and the real Leia. And her? She was playing house, eating for three, strolling around Niima market and doing nothing.

One evening, she put on a brown cloak, pulled the hood up and with her staff in hand, she dared to venture to the Niima cantina. Walls of the pub were bursting at seams, savvy traders were conducting a different kind of business here than in the official salvage yards.

"Uhm… Corellian mulled wine." Rey ordered, tossing three credits on the counter. She was sipping her drink and watching quietly. She hoped to catch a stream of holonet news and maybe see if something significant happened in the outer rim.

"Watchwereyagoing!" A scruffy looking man bumped into her. Rey tsk-ed disgusted, as spilled alcohol saturated her robes.

"My bad, my bad, miss." The man slurred, looking at her cross-eyed. She couldn't shake him soon enough. "Hey! Hey, I know you… I gotta…"

Rey bolted out of the chair and straight for the exit. _Shouldn't have come here. This was a mistake._ She was running from the cantina, but the man caught up. "Hey, stop, you! I have a message for…" he hiccupped. "The sistance… message!" he hollered, and few cloaked figures turned their heads.

Rey froze and her panicked mind debated whether to attack him, or run. In the end, she spun and slammed him into the wall. He was of similar built like Ren, but it mattered not. In his current state, he wouldn't hurt a fly. "Speak, quietly. You touch me – I'll kill you. You try anything – I'll kill you." She dug the end of her staff under his chin.

"Mother of… all right, all right! I have a message for ya, woman. Was a dark skinned fella, paid me extra to give it to you. I knew you was gonna pop up in the joint one day." He fished out a miniature holocron from his pocket and Rey took it.

"How do you know it's for me? I've never seen you in my life."

"Bruh." He harrumphed. "He made me look at your picture all night, while buying me brandy. I think I oughtta remember," his lips smacked," a woman of such a fine stature."

Rey pocketed the holocron and introduced her staff to his forehead. He slumped down like a sack of potatoes. "Thank you for the compliment." She said and ran home.

Her shaking hands barely activated the thing, when Finn's kind face popped out. Her eyes immediately watered. He seemed whole and healthy.

"Rey, it's me. I don't know where you are, but know that we are looking for you. We won't give up, me and Poe and others. I am leaving messages like these in all places we've been – Takodana, Jakku, even on D'Qar."

He sighed, his bluish image flickered in the air. "I don't know if you ever get them, but… if you do, know that I miss you. I'm all right, as you can see. Robotic spine – had to learn to walk again, but I'm getting there. I don't have much time. Please, if you get this, and manage to get a ship – and I know you will," he smiled, "fly to the set of coordinates I left you at the end of this recording. I miss you." He said again and again. Then, the recording stopped. There was more, but the loop hitched and wouldn't play further. Coordinates blinked a few times, enough for her to write them down.

"Oh, Finn, my dear, dear friend." She sat down on the floor and closed her eyes. She couldn't go. No matter how much she wanted to, Ren came first. If she joined the resistance, it would end anything they could ever have. She would be trained to kill him, sitting behind the same blasters which would attack his star destroyer; wielding the lightsaber which would clash with his.

But the terrible, persistent sense of betrayal never went away. Rey kept tossing and turning in bed, breathing in the scent of snuffed out candles. She got up and poured herself a glass of cold water.

"I need you here. If you only came, now." She thought of Kylo and his touch. His presence would wipe all her doubts; he would drown them in his kisses. Suddenly, the chirping of crickets in the night intensified and the heat in the room rose. Rey pressed the cold glass onto her flustered forehead. Drops of cold liquid were sliding down her face, to her lips. She licked it, as if she was licking his essence.

One drop got lost, trailing down her neck, in the valley of her breasts. Her nipples pebbled and a shiver ran up her spine. She swore she felt Kylo's hands on her shoulders, his hair brushing her cheek. But she didn't. Ghosts haunted her, not the real man she loved and yearned to feel inside her. Slowly, delicately, she put down the glass and her hands started roaming her heated body.

Rey bit her lip, hard enough to simulate his hungry kisses and traced the curve of her swollen breasts; so full and pert when his hands didn't cup them.

"This belongs to you, so come and get it." She moaned. The night became loud and blazing. The arid breeze tossed the curtains in the air, as Rey's hand slid down her panties. They became soaking wet just by imagining, just by recalling how he felt inside. An invisible force started pulsating between her thighs, and Rey lied down on bed, and started touching herself.

Her petite fingers didn't match the thickness of his cock, but at least she felt something, rubbing and caressing her clit vigorously.

She moaned into the night, the darkness served as the only witness to her sweet ecstasy.

"Let me take care of you," she heard his voice, deep and sultry.

"Yes, oh yes." She inserted one finger inside, spreading her dripping folds. She started undulating to the rhythm of her own finger; then, she added another and stretched herself more; but still just a shadow of Kylo's fullness.

"You're a bad, naughty scavenger." He whispered into her ear, licking her earlobe. His large hand cupped her breast, while she arched her back; clawed her fingers inside and found the one spot that came on par to his thrusting. Hot waves spread through her, veins on her neck nearly burst as a tremor got hold of her. She was thrusting her fingers in and out, in and out, panting, licking her lips, rotating her pelvis. She got aroused from feeling her slick inner walls, and imagined how he felt while jamming into her.

"Fuck me, I want you to take me and fuck me all night, I want you to taste me." She cried to herself; nicking on her rock hard clit. In one moment, she was dying, hungry to hear more slapping juices, feel more pressure, more heat inside her. The next, her bent knees shot wider apart, and she arched, screaming as the orgasm consumed her.

She withdrew her sticky fingers and turned on the side, muffling her sobs into the sheets. "I need you." Her core was shaking, rocked by the release she found in her own body; but it felt nothing like when he brought her there. She wanted to cry, alone in this wretched furnace of a night; after the act where she was used to cuddle to him, lie on his broad chest and sleep. He would carry her to safety afterwards, wiping the sweat from her damp forehead and kiss her; till she knew nothing of the world.

"I'm losing it. I have to do something," Rey sighed the next morning. The feelings of utter emptiness and solitude frightened her. She became dangerously addicted to him, to the point where she felt more than sad when he wasn't with her. She felt hollow; as if the sun didn't shine, as if the resistance and the Order shouldn't matter. But they did, and so far, they were still on the opposite side of that chasm.

Exactly one month after her drop on Jakku, the Niima market fell silent; more so than usual. Rey was just buying food to store – she never had enough now that she finally ate to her stomach's content.

"It's them… the Order… they came again." People started lamenting and vendors shutting their stalls quickly.

Seven white TIE fighters speared the sky. Rey shielded her eyes and the basket filled with fruit rolled on the sand. Shuttle black as coal was descending in the deployment area, where all ships docked while visiting Niima. Its wings reminded her those of a bat; they shot up, forming two vertical lines.

The ship landed.

"Move, make way." Stormtroopers were barking at the innocent bystanders, clearing the passage wide as entire length of that ship. "Off with you, desert scum!"

Kylo Ren descended down the trap door amidst the smoke from the hydraulic door, and only then people ran, far away from this monster. Nobody forgot Tuanul massacre; not a single soul on Jakku. Rey swallowed the bile while forced to listen to countless stories in the cantina; stories about a man clad in black, wielding a weapon that had not been seen since the time of the Old Republic.

"The scourge of Tuanul. The Jedi killer." Desert folk called him, and Rey fell apart after each such tale. She loved the Jedi killer, bearing guilt for all those slaughtered people.

"He came one night and killed them all with that fiery sword." One merchant said, sipping on a drink.

"Rubbish!" The bartender spat."I saw it myself – he killed an old man, you know who; that old monk who never set foot in here. Can't say I'll mourn the poor sod, he was bad for business. But still, nobody deserves such an end. I saw the beast with these own two eyes." He leaned over the counter and the cantina went quiet, eager for a horror story they didn't have to live.

"Oh yes." He deepened his voice, now that he had the attention. "When he came, I ran, like any sane man would but I still felt something from him, a dark coldness; a chill of no merit on our desert fatherland."

Rey pulled the hood further down her face, listening in the corner.

"The night sky darkened and the air hummed; and I ran, feeling the heat from that hellish blade. Phew!" he cut the air with his palm." The blade swayed and the man went down like a Tuskan raider after one mug of ale. I saw it and then, he waved his hand – just like that – and ordered the massacre. His voice…" barman shuddered. "No man has ever spoken like that, like a machine. He rattled like a cold, dead droid in the air. I'm telling ya, If he ever comes back," he threw his arms in the air dramatically, "I'm selling my business and getting the hell out of this hole!"

The tavern went still, save for a few hiccupping drunks. The place resembled morgue more that a cantina. The barman chewed on his fat lip and caught his belly, laughing. "Come on, you bastards, cheer up! Drinks for all, Correlian brandy on the house!"

Rey sprinted home from the market; the food and supplies forgotten. She surged inside and bolted the door. When she tossed her cloak on the floor, she bent over, catching a breath; her face beetroot red; her hair plastered across her sweaty forehead.

 _He's coming for you._ She sensed him in the air - or was it the Force?

The door burst open. Rey straightened her back. She had no idea what she was doing, but her body reacted before her mind told it to. Left arm shot in the air - _her staff flew right to it!_ She summoned it just like the lightsaber on Starkiller base, and her face immediately betrayed her amazement.

"Are you planning on using it against me, scavenger?" Kylo's mechanic voice mocked. He invited himself in, having to lower his head to pass the frame.

"If you give me a reason, yes."

"And what reason would that be?" The door closed again, on its own, because Kylo didn't need to lift a finger to use the Force.

"I don't…" she pursed her lips. "I don't know. Are you in a good mood? Have you come to take me back? Have you come to check your house?"

He stopped.

The mask hatch clicked and he tossed it on the table. Rey's eyes softened when she saw his face, that beautiful face she dreamed about each night. He wiped the beads of sweat sliding down his nose. The desert didn't agree with him. Kylo didn't smile, nor did he say anything for a long time. He was just standing there, studying her like precious goods he couldn't afford from behind the glass display.

"Why the fuck do you assume the worst first? I didn't come to take you back. I gave you my word – I'm not gonna break it. I came to see you." He sounded tired, so very tired.

"All right, then. I just, you know I had to make sure and…"He raised his hand and Rey stopped talking.

She almost felt sorry for him – what had happened? Something wasn't right. His deep set eyes gleamed, bearing a hint of melancholy to them she had seen in myriad of other, _human_ faces. Never in his, though. His was always set, determined as if chiseled in marble. He didn't emote, he just ordered and stomped and took whatever he wanted.

But now…

"And it's not my house, Rey. It's yours. So drop the charade of a poor wayward orphan, and finally accept it. Don't start about it now."

 _Agh. There goes feeling sorry for the smug bastard._

"I'm not complaining, am I?" She flung the staff on the floor. "Suit yourself. I'm going to make me some dinner and you can sulk all you want."

And sulk he did, until they went to bed. Rey started kissing him, drinking in his masculine fragrance, taking those full lips between hers. She wore her chemise, but a gossamer piece of nothing fit for these scorching nights. He was half-naked, wearing only his pants. Their bare feet brushed against each other. She no longer minded being draped around him, like on the star destroyer.

"Great for my shins, they can finally heal." He smirked.

Rey straightened one dark wave of his hair. He didn't try to have her, as he usually would. He just lied there, absentmindedly skimming her arms and back.

"What's wrong? And don't say nothing because I know. I know you – tell me."

"Nothing." He whispered, staring at the ceiling. His Adam's apple quivered. She saw him swallow the burden instead of letting her in.

"Don't…don't do that. I just want to help you." Rey drew herself up, resting on her elbow.

 _Fuck, you're gorgeous._ His eyes were dancing on her lean neck and breasts peeking from under translucent fabric. He hadn't seen her in a month – and a lot could change. The things he had to do for the Order… Kylo nearly didn't come back. He felt it – the remorse after each life he took. Each plea and cry for mercy intersected with Rey's in his tormented mind.

She fucked him up.

He hated feeling anything for the enemies of the Order, but he couldn't help it. Suddenly, he hit a barrier which hadn't been there before. He would devour anyone opposing him, limb by limb, but. Yes, that vicious _but_ had never pestered him before, only after he killed Han Solo; after he fell for Rey.

He brought her down on his chest, kissing her temples, just holding her close to him. "I can't tell you because I can't listen to your reproach, not tonight."

She bit her lip. "All right. I won't say anything. You have my word."

"I don't need your word. I just need you."

"I'm not stupid." She sighed. "I know I welcomed no farm boy this afternoon. I know what you are. I know what you do. If you feel something because you had to kill…"

Kylo sat up, shaking her off of him. His voice sounded panicked, an octave higher than normal. "I will not discuss this with you Rey." _Because you will see me and run, run from the monster._

Rey sat up. She swiped her hand across his broad back, feeling his smooth skin. "You haven't come home to a naïve scavenger, either. I'm not your safe place. I'm not a blind, obedient horse that doesn't see what's going on. I am dying here. I should be fighting for the resistance, doing something useful rather than lounge around all day."

Kylo grabbed her hand and kissed her wrist, lingering on her pulse point.

"But I'm here, aren't I?" Rey rested her chin on his shoulder."I'm waiting for you because I know that until I stay, you stay in my life. I know that if I leave, we'll never have this again. So, do me a favor and tell me the truth, please. I am sacrificing a lot for it."

He relented.

"We are building something new, the Order. We are fighting more viciously than ever before. I see rebel bases crumble and burn before me, daily. I hear people screaming, their meat sizzling off their bones, burning alive. I can't get the stench off my robes, I just can't." he shivered.

Rey's eyes welled up. Her heart was aching for him. She kissed his shoulder, then his neck and he leaned into her. She whispered softly, in between her touches. "You come back from it. You simply, "she sobbed. "Why does it have to be like that? They're just animals, the Order doesn't care about lives and yours accounted. Please – can't you just…"

 _What is wrong with me?_ For the first time, Rey felt sorry for him, not his victims. He compromised her values; he made her love him, all about him.

Preternatural bond had formed between them.

Rey could spill her woes to Kylo and he would listen and not fall asleep before she did, just to giver that feeling he was there, for her, no matter what. And now, Kylo could tell her exactly how he killed, and she felt sorry because it hurt _him_ , not because of the lives he took.

They were sitting on bed illuminated by the moonlight, kissing and confessing things in between. Sweet passion, tender passion, they would call it.

"I'm going to say it." He smiled. "Ready?" And he did say it, not once, but many times that night, when he finally found his release inside her body, when she held him in return, as he buried himself inside her.

They made love, the kind of emotional cleansing they both needed. Kylo was thrusting into her, deeper and deeper, lying on her chest and whispering things, terrible things he had to do. Murder, kill, burn, torture, kill again, rinse and repeat. She held him and choked on tears. "I didn't want to," he was sinking inside her. "Should have confessed, shouldn't have resisted me." He gritted his teeth and rode her harder, forcing her to spread her legs wide, just to ease his weight. He scooped her leg under his arm and threw it on his shoulder.

"Aargh," he started grunting and she didn't find it enjoyable at all. Thrust, thrust, weight smothering her, fire which he kindled but she never felt; guilt and more thrusting.

"They burnt, they all burnt." He forced his tongue inside her mouth, not paying attention to her tears. Rey wound her arms around him, trying to wither the storm. He went for so long and grew harder with each new sin, surging deep into her. She screwed her face and whimpered.

"You want me to stop?" He panted.

"No." He stretched her fully, like never before. It wasn't painful, just not pleasant.

He needed this kind of absolution. He found it in her body. He couldn't be so depraved, so horrible when something so pure wanted him, could he?

"I love you, I love you." He cried into her neck, over and over, as Rey's tears filled her eyes and mouth. Kylo trembled from the passion inside her, and she because of sobs. She was weeping for him, with him; not for the lives, never for the lives.

Rey felt a familiar heat and throbbing deep inside her as he spilled his seed. The thrusting ended. He fell limp on top of her. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I know you haven't –"

"Shhhh." They shared a kiss where he tasted her salty tears. "It's fine, don't think about it. You should sleep. Go to sleep." Rey embraced his torso.

She consented to everything, but she felt worse than ever before. Her back was sore and her insides were burning. The usual post-coital bliss never came. Once he drifted off, she looked down. His sculpted shoulders looked tense even in sleep. He never allowed himself to relax, not even in the spirit realm. She planted a loving kiss on top of his head, snuggled under her chin. His hair smelled nice, like sun and him, not like pyres of corpses he had been forced to watch. Why would he choose such a terrible life? But now, at least she could ease that existence.

His forehead wrinkled, he was breathing in deep, intermittent patters of someone who fought for each new breath. Had he not told her, she wouldn't have seen the killer. In her arms, he never was.

"Why are you with me?"

"Because I love you."

"Why do you love me?"

"Because not to causes me pain."

 _This is love. I don't want it._ Rey held his sleeping form. Only now she got the full scope of sharing someone else's grief, crying for someone else's burden, as if it were her own. She thought she knew love when he first said it, on Ahch-To. She was wrong. It transcended _her_ and created _them_. She was alone her entire life. So was he. Now, they could be lonely together.

* * *

 **A/N Your reviews brought this chapter so soon... this happens when I'm uber motivated to write, so.. keep them coming please. I'm not kidding, I'm soo happy to see a new one..*giggles* On a serious note: hopefully atmosphere of Jakku was there, and also - I am an ugly wreck bc of this chap. Enjoy!**


	12. Chapter 12

**S'Évader**

* * *

Kylo woke up.

He yawned and stretched his long limbs in bed, but not before laying eyes on Rey first. She was sleeping on her back, like a doll, a haunted vision of something that didn't belong in the bed of a monster.

She whimpered, almost inaudibly, and turned on her side. The covers slid, the movement revealed her back. Kylo had to rub his eyes with his fists to comprehend what he'd seen. Curve of her hip bore an imprint of his hand. And once she rolled; the sheets revealed several dried up, red spots under her.

His lips parted, ready to call her name and let her be mad and scream at him. _What the fuck happened last night?_ He was aware of not being his usual self, but surely, he wouldn't go as far as hurt her. Not in bed, not ever. Then, he decided to let her sleep. _If she feels half as bad as she looks, you'd better let her rest, you fucker._

Kylo put on his pants and roughly washed his face and torso in the sink. He gazed at himself in the mirror. His long face looked paler than usual; as if the last night drew blood out of him, not her. He fucked her, plain and simple. There was not a hint of tender love making or event torrid sex, where she couldn't see straight.

He spat out something bitter into the sink.

Water dampened the hair around his face; the scar colored pink when faced with heat of the water. He tried to see behind his eyes; into the face of one who would forget and just take. Kylo didn't waste time self-reflecting and swearing it would never happen again. As long as he was out there, and she here, protected like he wanted her to, he would remain a beast. If he could only convince her to go with him… He remembered those nights on the _Finalizer_ , when she fought to leave and he wouldn't have it. But there was something else that he reminded himself - the passion and lust and … _love_. It was born only because they stayed together, and despite her protests, she wouldn't have fallen in love with him if he had granted her freedom.

He needed her with him, period.

Where else could he shield her from what was about to come? The First Order didn't play games after the destruction of Starkiller. No, they went for the jugular, working on all fronts at once. Armament started, they were conquering new planets and trying to weasel their way into politics of the republican new capital, Denon. And then there was Kylo's training with Snoke, which left him drained, and dead, truly dead in and out.

He thought he heard something from the bedroom, so he tossed the towel aside and walked back there.

"You're up." Rey rasped, barely aware of time or place. She saw him first thing in the morning and it felt fucking amazing. She yawned and smiled. He didn't.

"Did I hurt you last night?" Kylo asked.

"No." Rey sobered up and beckoned him back to bed.

He sat at the edge, chewing his lip. "I know you didn't enjoy it. I am sorry."

"I didn't enjoy it. But you have nothing to be sorry for. If I wanted to, we would have stopped."

"I'm glad you know that." He gazed into her evading eyes intently. "Rey," he turned her chin. "Look at me. You know that one word and I would have…"

"I know."

"Do you? I don't want you to think differently about me just because I fucked up one night."

She widened her eyes. "Fucked up…what? Have you seen yourself yesterday? I did. You know what walked through those doors?" She gestured towards the exit. "If we didn't share what we did last night, you would have blown this place up, and probably half the Niima with it."

Kylo wiped his face and blinked a few times, perhaps to gain clarity, perhaps just because he already understood. "That shouldn't be on you, though. I don't need you crying under me to calm down. If I want to have sex, it's to make you enjoy it as well."

Rey bit her lip. "You know what – I don't regret it. You would have never told me half of it, if you weren't so…" Goosebumps rose on her skin.

Kylo let out a long sigh. He fucked up and she would still apologize for him. He realized she was just praying for it to be over somewhere halfway into his rampage, but he went on. The release he felt afterwards couldn't compare to anything he shared with anyone before.

"I probably spilled half the Order's secrets, so…" He looked at her with wistful eyes. Rey's lip started shaking and she had trouble keeping straight face. "You have my permission to use it against me. You go and transmit to the resistance," he waved his hand lazily. "Go on."

She burst out laughing and he swept her onto him, joining their lips together. Kylo grabbed her behind the neck like a kitten, rubbing her nape and looking into her eyes before the next kiss, and another.

"Come with me." He said out of the blue.

"What?" Rey froze, staring into his soft eyes.

"Don't think about it. Just come. I will be deployed into one planet, a core world, most likely. I can't tell you more, obviously…"

"Obviously." Rey grimaced.

"But… "Kylo's eyes fluttered from a chair in the corner to the plants on the wall – anywhere but her. "It could be like this. I'm not saying we'll ever have anything remotely normal, but."

Rey died a little with each passing second. She knew she would have to disappoint him. Every time he said _but_ , he was reaffirming the impossibility of that proposal. It sounded ludicrous, stupid, and daring at the same time. She lied next to him and laced her fingers with his. "Are you still fighting for the First Order?" She asked.

 _So, you're punishing me, little scavenger._ "Yes." He decided to indulge her.

"Am I still a scavenger from Jakku, hunted by both the resistance and the Order?"

"Hmm, yes that would be you." He compared their joined hands in the air. Hers was so delicate in his, so small.

"Is the core planet in question invisible?"

"No. It's very much mapped, thank you."

"There you have your answer, mister." Rey craned her neck and looked at him. "You know we can't. You know it wouldn't end well."

"Tell me." His dark eyes bore deep into her. "Are you really worried about that, or you just don't want to be near me when I have to be… on duty." He coated the beast he had to become into word 'duty', as if nothing happened.

"Of course I don't want to be anywhere near you when you wear that mask. I want to fight the Order, not join. In fact, I've been meaning to tell you something."

 _Well, shit._ He sighed.

"I'm leaving Jakku soon. I want to see my friends again and - they're worried. They thought I was dead. They had no news of me since the Starkiller base and…" Rey scrunched her face. He began gripping their intertwined fingers like a vise.

"In other words, you're running to the enemy, right?" He sounded harsh, cold.

Rey yanked her hand out of his. " _Your_ enemy, not mine. I can't stay here my entire life. I need to be useful."

"So you're running to that manipulative piece of shit Skywalker. Great, wise choice. They'll use you for the Force powers you have, and then, toss you aside. No," he wrinkled his forehead. "My mistake – they won't have the chance to toss you aside, because you'll most likely be dead by then."

Red maps started spreading on Rey's chest and cheeks, the roads of fury. She started shaking, "What, are you gonna be the one to kill me?" She spat.

"I might." He shrugged. "Orders are orders." _Suffer Rey, feel what I'm feeling right now._ She just told him she would leave – just like that.

" _They_ 'll use me?" _The gall he has._ "Because you're such an esteemed member of the First Order, right?" She yelled. "Because you're not being used at all. Even your dead father told you. Even he knew."

Suddenly, an invisible pressure slammed her into the bed. Rey couldn't move. She was lying half naked on the mattress, straining her muscles to move, but they didn't. Kylo's face towered above her. Had he been angry, she would have known how to handle the situation. But his face seemed dispassionate. His dark eyes shone and his lower lip quivered, just like the first time she bested him in a mind probe.

"You think I'm all about me, me, me. You have the Force – but no way of knowing how to use it. So, this is what's gonna happen now." He shifted his hand, and Rey felt the pressure intensify, burying her torso deeper, if it was possible.

"You will pack whatever you need from here and we will board my shuttle. We will go wherever I'm supposed to, and I will teach you the ways of the Force. And you will accept it." He barked the last part, angry at himself, angry that it had to come to this. No more playing nice. He wouldn't give her a choice, when she was destined to make the wrong one.

Hot tears began rolling down Rey's cheeks. "And what next?" She sobbed in shame and rage. "Am I supposed to kneel before you and thank you for treating me like an animal? You did it in bed and you're doing it now. Let me go you fucking prick!"

She managed to ball her fingers into the tiniest fists he had ever seen. Kylo's throat constricted. So, he did hurt her last night. She was being honest just because he was hurting her again. Suddenly, a feeling of helplessness washed over him. Her own emotions flew into him, rolling over as water in a glass bottle, swaying from one side to the other. She was fighting him with all she got.

Not a heartbeat later, her torso shot up. She did it, she fought him into submission and the Force drove her wild. Kylo dropped his arm. She was shaking, baring her teeth like a she wolf. "Do you know what you've just done?" Rey asked, clutching the sheets over her naked breasts. She felt threatened by his mere look, let alone touch. "You went too far, way too far."

Risen sun was beaming on his pale chest, painting him into a marble statue. He combed through his hair. "I shouldn't have… "He hung his head like a scolded kid. "But nothing changes. You're coming with me." He said loudly.

Rey twisted her fingers so intently, the skin on them turned white. "I will go. But now, you listen and listen good. This is what's gonna happen. I will run. I will try to get away at every chance I'll have."

"And I will prevent it. Find a new tune to sing, Rey." He scoffed.

"But they won't." She spat victoriously. " _They_ won't prevent it. It might be that one time when you'll be late on a mission. It might happen when your precious Supreme Leader calls you to a council. But it will happen, and I will be alone. I will raise the alarm. I will kick and scream. I will tear my arm out just to attract attention. And then…" her eyes gleamed in a sick, twisted way.

Kylo felt terrible, oppressive anger flowing through her.

"Then, the stormtroopers will open whichever chamber you'll hide me in. And they will shoot me. And I will laugh into the barrel of their blaster, because it will mean that I've won. You will never force me to stay. I'd rather die than be your prisoner."

Kylo darted up from bed, heaving up and down. Rey was screaming after him, laughing bitterly. "Do you hear me? Can you fucking hear me, now? Picture this tale and burn it into your head. Because this is what's gonna happen! You take my life, but my death will be in my own hands. You dare telling me what to do?"

He put his face into his palms.

She went off. She started crying, ranting and went on a tirade of words which no longer made sense. He was helplessly staring at her, and it broke his heart. She went into shock. He scared her so much, threatening to take her freedom again, that she snapped and cried and kicked and screamed, till he came back to bed and restrained her. She might harm herself, so he did it.

"Rey, stop it, Rey!" he clung to her torso and barely evaded her scratching nails. She elbowed him under right eye, kicked his shins and bit his hands. Kylo gritted his teeth and endured it all, never raising his voice, never his hand. "Calm down, stop it, shhhh." He wrestled her into tranquility.

Her trashing got weaker and weaker. He spooned behind her, clutching her body with his strong arms and head buried in her hair. He never felt this sick, this inhumane. _You did this._ She went into a fit, terrified by the prospect of him forcing her to stay with him.

Her muscles jerked from time to time, or, she suddenly sobbed so hard, he immediately tightened his hold on her.

"Shhh, he was gently combing her hair. The worst is over, shhh."

"No." She gripped his arm, but not to hurt him, like before. She truly needed to feel him. "The worst is yet to come."

Kylo knew she didn't sleep, but he stayed like that until the sun started setting again. He left only to bring her water, which she never drank. She knew how to kill him, and she didn't need a lightsaber to do it. She would wither and die and that would be his undoing.

"Rey," he whispered as he closed the curtains and lit her favorite candles. Sweet beeswax fragrance filed the air and cast honey colored glow on her olive skin. "Rey, we're going to have something to eat, now." It wasn't a suggestion, more like half a plea, half an order.

Her back rose and fell, but she said nothing.

Kylo set the tray with something he had whipped up in the kitchen on the table, and spooned back to his usual spot. _I fucking hate this bed. I hate this planet. Fucking Jakku._ Everything and everyone was to blame for her current state, but the one who actually caused it. He wanted the best for her – couldn't she see? They could be lovers, and more, but always separated by the star systems and time. If they tried to coexist, their fragile bond shattered.

But Kylo wouldn't have it.

She was _his_ and he wanted her. And what he wanted, he simply took. He didn't give a shit what she called it. She didn't know better because she never saw the entrails of a war. He did. He saw and fought and burnt and destroyed. She counted portions, but that could be endured; that could be survived.

"You can't be serious." Rey rolled to face him so abruptly, that she bumped into his forehead.

"What?" Kylo asked startled, massaging his head. _You're up, please stay…_

Rey pressed her lips into a thin line, then, she fumed into his face. "I said you can't be serious. I can hear your thoughts – the magical bond," she grimaced as if she smelled something rotten," remember? That great Force thing we share…yeah. I just heard you and I can't believe that you think that about me."

 _Shit, shit, shit._ Of all times the future Sith Lord supreme failed to cloak his emotions in the Force, she used it at the worst. "Because your train of thoughts is always so clear, right." He said. "It didn't mean anything. _I_ didn't mean anything by it."

New vigor energized Rey, when she had something new in him to despise. She reached for the tray and he tried to hand it to her. "Let me, I can feed myself." She snapped.

 _Okay…_ Kylo watched her gobble the entire dinner he had prepared for them both, his stomach grumbling like crazy. It wasn't easy to sustain his mass of a body; he could eat for three men and still not feel full. Nevermind, let her have it all, let her be happy and safe and mad, but let her speak.

"Uai houpe uai made it cluear that I woun't go anyuere with you." She spoke with her mouth full of a pastry, which she dipped in sauce.

Just watching her eat so brazenly, so lost in the hunger she needed to satiate made him want to chuckle. He cleared his throat. "Perfectly clear, yes. I got the gist about that third time you almost ripped my face off." _Don't give her the power over you Kylo. Play it cool_.

Rey pierced him with her stare and opened another can of tockberries, licking the lid. Not a drop spilled, not a single berry to waste. Man, she was ravenous.

"Good. Now that we've had our daily scheduled fight, can we just put it behind us and eat?" She asked, the juices dripping down her chin. "It's getting a bit boring, isn't it? Us fighting every day, like we don't know where it's gonna go."She scooped the full mouthful of berries and sucked on them, savoring each piece of sweet heaven.

Suddenly, Kylo surged at her and attacked her with his lips. Rey started squealing, trying to push him off, but obviously with zero chance of succeeding. "What? I'm hungry and you ate it all. I want to at least taste some of it." He licked her lips and jaw stained with juices.

Rey was giggling when his tongue tickled her nose. Suddenly, all was well. All the anger and hate and power they asserted one over the other faded into a fit of giggles over a can of fruit.

But that strange sense of foreboding didn't go away.

Kylo kissed her syrupy lips and she looked at him with the expression of utter love; something he sure as hell didn't deserve. But the crossroads of their journeys started slowly, but surely, leading the opposite way.

"I'm sorry." He hovered above her as she put her hands under his arms, on his back. "I messed up. I just… I still think you should come with me. You must."

"I'm sorry, too." She whispered, content to feel his weight on her body again. "But I can't. I won't. I don't know what got hold of me today." She gazed at him, demanding answers. "I felt so angry, so determined to hurt you. If…if you weren't here, I would have done something. I heard a voice in my head, telling me to harm myself because it would harm you."

Kylo rolled off her. "That's why you need a teacher, Rey. The Force manifests itself in many ways, and you can't control any of them. It's not just a thing of legends. As much as I hate the Jedi, they had something right – the teaching is crucial."

Wheels started spinning in his head. Rey leaned into him and listened intently.

"See," he sighed. "Without proper training, you're dangerous. It doesn't matter if you're happy, or sad, or angry. If you can't control your emotions, you'll most likely hurt somebody innocent, or yourself."

Rey smirked on the inside. She saw what he was doing, she saw right through him. "Then – why can't Luke Skywalker teach me?" She asked, fluttering her eyes, an icon of innocence.

 _Well played_. Kylo pointed at himself. "I'd say because here lies the product of his teachings. You wanna end up like me? " _Skywalker will never touch you again._

Rey leaned closer and planted a wet kiss on the corner of his mouth. Kylo shivered, but didn't reciprocate. "Theeen, who is left to teach me?" She slid her hand under the sheets, into his pants. Kylo let out a throaty sigh.

"I'll teach you." He strained himself to look impassive, just lying there, while she stroked his cock which was getting harder by the second. He closed his eyes when her palm encircled his shaft deftly.

"Because you're a big, bad Sith, right?" She burnt his earlobes with her breath, unzipped his pants and pulled out his hard dick. Kylo covered his forehead, instinctively thrusting into her hand. _She has you, buddy. She has you._

Rey straddled him, still working on his erection. He looked at her and all words and metaphors died on his lips. Kylo put his both hands on her hips and they met – he could encircle her entire waist and squeeze the life out of her; or, cause her pleasure he had denied last night.

"Yes. I'll teach you the ways of the Force." He rasped, rocking her on his pelvis.

Rey moaned, despite vowing herself not to get off, determined to have him in her power. Her clit hit his flesh, and she started spiraling around and gripping his cock tighter, just to punish him. She stared excitedly at the V-shape of his abdominal muscles. That hard ridge drove her crazy.

"What will you teach me?" She bent down and pressed her lips on his pink tip.

Kylo saw stars. Her feathery lips were burning him up. "I'll teach you to set the cities on fire. I'll teach you to see inside people's heads and scare them with their secrets." He started panting, straining his muscles. "I'll teach you to conjure lightning and feel the power of the dark side."

She took him into his mouth and sucked and licked. Sweet heavens opened up in front of him, and he shamelessly lost himself in her warm, slick mouth. Rey closed her lips around him. Her mouth created perfect suction point and just right amount of pressure to slide up and down, while her other hand was twisting around the hilt.

He tasted like any other part of him, saltier and warm, hard but velvety at the same time.

"Oh fuck, you're so good, you're killing me." He threw his head back, exposing his Adam's apple. Then, he looked down on her and moaned. She was watching his face with sultry, half-lidded eyes, all while her divine, smacking lips sucked him off.

Pool of wetness spread between her legs. Just before she guessed he was about to come, she quickly sat on him, and adjusted him at her entrance.

"Oh-h-h." Kylo didn't care he sounded like a horny schoolboy. The moment she tugged him between her thighs, he lost it. Her pussy enveloped him, inch by inch, and he was watching her so focused on feeling it just right, making the most of it for herself. She bit her lower lip and finally managed to fit him in entirely. His cock felt huge for her many times before, but she set the pace now, straddling him fully.

"I think I'll go to Skywalker anyway." She purred, fondling her breasts right in front of his face. "I think you're a bad, bad teacher."

Kylo's jaw twitched. He clutched her sides and started sliding her up and down, while meeting her sweet pussy with his own thrusts.

"Ah," Rey threw her head back and let him fuck her. She was rubbing her clit vigorously, rotating her pelvis so he went not only deep, but massaged her on all sides at once.

"Never, you'll never see him again." Kylo cursed, gritting his teeth. He shoved her down and flipped her over, pressing her face down the bed, but he still managed to make sure it didn't cause her discomfort.

"And what are you gonna do to stop me, Sith?" She spat.

Kylo pried open her legs and rubbed his cock around her dripping cunt. "I'll think of something, scavenger."

Rey was clenching her teeth. Her shaking insides were awaiting him, now, right now. But he kept stalling, planting kisses on her back and just teasing. She felt his cock outside, brushing her clit, slapping her ass, but he didn't enter her.

"Kylo, come on." She let out a frustrated moan.

"Come on, what, pet?" He positioned his throbbing head but half an inch at her crown. Fuck, there was only so long he could play hero without coming over her ass that very moment.

Rey arched her back, grinding against that little of him she felt inside. "Come on and fuck me, you asshole."

He took her from behind, hunched over her like a dog in heat. They both panted, electrified by the insane bliss this position brought them. He rubbed himself against her ass with each thrust. Rey felt him press at that one spot which turned her into a slobbering, moaning mess. When he came, it was just at the beginning of her own climax. He froze mid-air, surging into her, jerking and licking her neck; shooting deeper and never ceasing to rub her swollen clit.

He licked his lips hungrily when he saw his load trailing down her thighs. The creamy stained her tanned skin. She came in a frenzy known to him before. Kylo lowered her down on her chest. He kissed the back of her neck, the spot between her shoulder blades, licking her glistening skin. She tasted like both of them mixed with sweet, fruit juices. She became an elixir he never wanted to stop taking.

"I'm still sorry for the last night." He said.

She spun around. Her face was glowing, her eyes finally opened in full. "I'd say this one made up for it."

Hearts were strumming in the distance, and he felt the urge to scream on top of the world, at her, for her. "Come with me! Can't you see we're perfect?" He'd been with several women before, just a quick shag on a star destroyer; tuck of his pants and five thrusts later, he'd forget their faces. But he never felt anything quite like with Rey. Sex aside, the thought of her having anyone else in her life infuriated him.

She had the Force. Her body fit into his like a missing puzzle piece. She was beautiful, wild, and self-sufficient. She survived the ordeal many women, or men for that matter, wouldn't. She was pragmatic to his cerebral. She was calm to his fire. Her big mouth cost him many nights of sleep, but as much as they fought and clawed at each other, it belonged with them.

The only hindrance was that the damn resistance got to her first. But he was to blame for that. Had he killed the traitor FN 2187; none of that would have come to pass. Nevermind that now, Kylo thought, as he watched her collect her clothes and aim for the shower.

He rested his head on his crossed arms, and only when she smirked and hooked her finger, calling him, did his feelings for her shoot through the roof.

"Are you serious?" _Please, be._ They just fucked and she still wanted him.

Rey shrugged, feigning innocence. "If you don't want to each me, I guess I'll have to study by myself." She sniffed.

Kylo shot out of bed so fast, his legs tangled in the covers. But he caught up to her and made amends not only for the last night, but for the last twenty nine years of his life.

They did it on the counter, long before the water started to heat up. They did it in the shower, caressed by the warm torrents of water. He carried her back to bed, satiated and spent after day and night of physical activities which they could indulge in till the end of times.

Kylo was watching the dew on her tanned legs dry. She fell back asleep, and he couldn't think fast enough, plot hard enough to make her stay with him. "Please, little scavenger. Can't you see?"

He sighed, lulled into deep, content sleep with her still by her side. For the time being, it had to do. For one night, it had to suffice. Come morning, it wouldn't. But another day meant another new plan for Kylo; and he would never give up.

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 **A/N Something's gonna give, sooner or later. The tension is growing and he wants her o go, period. Enjoy the chapter and let me know your thoughts.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Sacre Coeur**

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 **A/N You all earned a chap like this one after all that angst. Enjoy!**

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"I want you to have this." Kylo shoved a lightsaber into her hands.

"Is it…?" She arched her brow.

"Yes. It's Skywalker's. You didn't think I'd leave him with this weapon." He stuck his chest out. "It's too valuable for him to have. It nearly slew the Emperor. It dueled Darth Vader and fought in the battle of Endor and many others."

Rey watched his face light up with boyish enthusiasm. She had to suppress a laugh, when he went on lecturing her.

"It's too important, a true legacy of the Empire. The kyber crystal in it s of superior quality and rumor has it, he constructed it in the presence of Yoda himself, and…" He prattled on.

"Are you sure it's all right for me to have it?" She pretended to lose balance and careened the sword in her hand. "Oops, oops, it's going down. Kylo, what do I do? Nooo, the legacy." She sniffed.

He was shaking his head, mouth hung open. _Little minx_. She was mocking him without batting an eyelash. Still, the lightsaber; he gulped and gently took it back. Only when he had it firmly in his grasp did he relax. "I want you to have it so you could defend yourself."

"Why? I have my staff."

"For what's coming, the staff isn't enough." He tilted his head.

Rey's eyes widened. "Why? What's coming? Tell me." People, lives, all those innocent poor souls in gods knew which planets… if she had a chance to divine something from him, she'd take it.

"It does not concern you." He regretted letting anything slip.

"If there's a good chance of me losing my life – I'd say it does concern me."

"You won't lose your life. Not unless you obey and do as I say. As for others…" he shrugged and slumped down on the chasse.

 _Here we go again._ Rey didn't say anything. She knew when he goaded and this was him, throwing it in her face. "You can't say everyone, Rey. Do as I say." She bit her lip, nearly drawing blood.

He was about to leave, they had but half an hour for his cohort to call him onto the bridge. She found it unnatural – him, clad in those vicar robes, twirling his heavy monstrosity of a mask in his hand, waiting. She had seen him in his true state; abandoning all pretense. When he was with her, he left the war at the door; and felt only them, two lovers lost in each other.

Rey snatched the mask mid-air.

"What are you doing?" He shot up, grappling at it.

She spun and shielded it with her torso. "I just wanna take a look."

So, he let her. Kylo studied her curiously, scrutinizing the metal globe. Her small fingers skimmed the dents and scorch marks. Then, she circled the silver rims and spun it around.

"It's heavier than it looks." She admitted and Kylo quirked his lips. _My life is heavier than it looks._

"No – don't-" He reached for it again, when Rey positioned it above her head. But then, he jarred to a halt. Perhaps he should let her do it. If she saw through the visor of his life, maybe she would get it. _The plan, Kylo_. He still held a small, flickering candle in his palms that she would change her mind and go with him.

Rey felt as if a leaden panel dropped on her head. The mask induced a claustrophobic feeling. It encumbered her entire head. Insides weren't stuffed, but raw metal plates brushing against the skin. Immediately after the lock clicked; she started feeling disoriented.

"I can't…I can't…" she said, but quickly jumped at the sound of her own voice. She no longer recognized it.

The mask took a human and transformed it into a monster. Even she became one, once it enclosed her body. The very act of breathing felt laborious; as if she had to deserve each new inhale. She saw nothing, only thin slit directly in front of her. No back, sides, or up came into her limited visual field.

Kylo stealthily leapt to liberate her. She'd had enough.

"Get it off, get it off me, please." She was panting.

"I'm here, just wait." He tried to press his palms at the sides, but she wiggled and squirmed too much.

"Please, get – it – off, now, get it off now!"

"Rey!" he raised his voice and she went limp, shaking to the bone. "I am helping, but you have to keep still. The mechanism reacts to the touch. There are sensors which work only if I locate them properly. Now, breathe in and don't move." Kylo took her palms and raised them up, pressing his on top of hers, releasing her from her confinement.

"There." He said gingerly.

Rey emerged from under that contraption with red face and moist eyes. She spat the mass of tangled hair out of her mouth, coughing a few times. Kylo put the mask behind him, so she wouldn't have to look at it. _Fuck_. He spotted a thin, red line on her lower jaw. The fucking mask did it – it scratched her.

Rey followed the trajectory of his eyes, and her hand shot up to her neck. "What? What is it?" Panic rose in her voice. She felt her skin, and then, withdrew her fingers coated in blood.

"I'm sorry." He sighed. "I should never have left you touch it."

"It's my own fault. "Rey sucked on her finger, tasting her own blood. "I got what I wanted. But that's just plain old me, tempting fate at all costs." She laughed bitterly. "Not like it's the first time this happened. You should have seen me when I nose dived from a frigate while salvaging a retractor, once. I knew I shouldn't go this high and my rope wasn't long enough. I knew, and despite all, I still –"

Kylo walked towards her and skimmed her jaw with his thumb. "I don't care if you fell in the past. I mean I do…but, now, you're my responsibility. It shouldn't happen. It won't." He said indignantly.

Rey felt the heat and the buzzing in her navel rise. It felt comparable to 'I love you.' She never had been someone's responsibility before. Nobody ever cared. And now, Kylo was there when she got hurt and he _cared_.

"Can I kiss you?" She asked, shuffling her feet.

He was used to her quirky displays, but this threw him off guard. "What?" He chuckled."Since when do we ask permission for that?" _Is this another 'I'm gonna say it' thing? Did I miss a new rule?_ He frantically thought about all her little rituals. No, this was a new one. Nevermind – he would learn it and uphold it religiously, if she asked him to.

Rey smiled. "No, we don't ask permission. But since I'm covered in blood, I don't want to drip all over y- "

Kylo scooped her from the ground as if she was weightless, and drew her up to his height. Rey wrapped her calves around him, still but looking into his amused eyes. "You have my permission. I'm waiting." He closed his eyes formally.

All fun died out when he felt the emotion she put into the kiss. She tasted him as if this was the first time, as if she found something new in him, never to be felt before. She lingered on his lips for a long time, and only when he parted them, her tongue entered his mouth.

"I'll miss you so much." She conveyed god's earnest truth through her soft brushes. Rey tilted her head and he hefted her in his arms. She wanted to be selfish, to do something only for her once in a lifetime.

 _Kylo loved you before anyone else ever did._

She saw the sky differently when someone believed in her. The trees were rustling a strange melody which she seemed to understand, once he showed her how fast a human heart could beat. Nights with him compared to the rush of flying the fastest ship in the galaxy. Days spent in his presence felt short and warm and she was kissing all that goodbye. _Why?_ Only a madman would part with all that. _Who are you?_ She was searching for herself in his eyes. His were flitting on her face, answering it all, with one look and no words.

"Not you – _we_. Never alone, always together. This is how it could be. This is what you could have, if you only didn't let go. I wouldn't. _I won't._ "

Kylo witnessed an entire palette of emotions painted on her face. A void formed around them, in them. They didn't fight or scream and yet, his mouth parched and Rey's heart was drumming insanely fast. They didn't feel the fire, but still got burnt.

He petted her back, supporting the weight of her body. Couldn't hurt to try one more time, he though and got ready to beg.

He never begged. But Rey – her he would beg.

"Rey, there's still time. If you but think about it, I mean really think about it. Come with-"

"Yes." She recoiled a bit, to see his face. "Yes, I'll do it. I'll go with you."

His expression was priceless. _She's screwing with you._ It hurt, to feel that glimmer of hope so intently for a second. "This is a low blow." He dropped her down.

 _What?_ Rey's thoughts raced in one panicked circle. "What did I do? What did I say?"

"Don't say it if you don't mean it. Just, don't play with me."

"But…" She grabbed his arms. "I meant it. I do – I wanna go with you."

His pupils dilated, she could see even in the dusk of his eyes. "Right now?" He fought to contain his elation.

"Yes, right now – wait here. I'll go pack and in a minute, we can go."

She left him gobsmacked in the living room, while spinning around like a satellite, throwing together her modest set of clothes. She packed her clothes, Skywalker's lightsaber, her staff, the holocrons and left a final saucer of milk for that sweet tooka cat. "Hopefully someone will take care of you, buddy. Forgive me for leaving you."

Kylo died and ascended to heaven. Well, he did everytime he came inside her – but this was a different kind of heaven. He could cry and shout from the top of his lungs because she agreed to go with him.

"All set." Rey spluttered, dragging a heavy bag into the room.

"Are you taking half the sand from Jakku with you?" One and a half Rey could fit inside that bag. "You know you have the Force, right?" He smirked and waved his hand to levitate the baggage to the door.

Rey felt like an idiot and sniffed. "Right."

"Oh – come on. It was a joke, scavenger."

She leaned to avoid his reach when he tried to pull her close. "I know, Sith. Ha Ha. Are we good?"

 _Somebody's feeling a little touchy_. Kylo made a mental note not to bite her anymore. She looked around one last time. "Well, I think I have everything and…yeah." She rubbed her palms together.

 _Shut up, you idiot, shut up._ No – he felt the need to tell her, even if he jeopardized the outcome. He addressed her like an official on duty, trying to leave the emotions out of it.

"Rey, I want you to think long and hard about what you're doing. I told you – I will be deployed into a core world, very possibly involved in a political matter of the First Order. It won't always be like these few days here. There will be blood." He fought to get the words out because each new one was killing his chances to get her going. But he was dead set on starting with a clean slate.

"There will be conflict and violence. You might not like what you see. You might even hate what I do. And then those friends of yours…"he grimaced. _More like rebels scum._ "No doubt I'll face them, sooner or later."

He would go on, but Rey didn't let him. The very fact he bit the bullet and warned her served as a clear indicator of how their relationship changed. "I know. I'm aware of all you're saying. I thought about it all before I agreed."

"When? In that one second before you said yes?"

"No." She screwed her face. "I was thinking about it every time you brought it up. I just don't need to tell you everything all the time."

"But you do." He said with a strange gleam in his face. "So… are we clear on what to expect?"

Rey nodded and fastened her little leather purse around the waist.

"And you're still going?" he asked.

"And I'm still going." She offered him her hand.

Kylo took it in his. "Let's go, then."

She was walking behind him, for the first time not as his prisoner, but a free woman who decided to follow. Furtive stares accompanied them; him stomping and ploughing through the dunes, her schlepping after him. Stormtroopers didn't know. If they did, nobody said anything to a scavenger who boarded the shuttle on her own; rather than being carried by their master like once before.

Jakku sand was sparkling under the simmering sun. It no longer looked disgusting and heavy. She stopped hating it the moment they ascended. Rey was watching quietly, saying farewell in between her damp eyelashes. When the engines revved, she bore her fingernails into the railings. When Niima looked like a spider from above, she leaned closer to the glass window. Would she ever come back? Her gut was telling her that if she did, she would run here, not return in peace.

Kylo was sitting on his big, leather chair and observing her from afar. The mask stayed on. Her shoulders lurched forth. Then, she retracted and sighed, folding her hand in her lap. She kept fiddling with that small brown purse. When they boarded the star destroyer, she refused to leave the shuttle.

"I'm not going out there." She was sitting nailed to the spot.

"This isn't the _Finalizer_. We're on a different ship, you know."

It didn't matter to Rey. She wouldn't set foot into his rooms, period. Not again, when the memories of those wild nights didn't leave her alone. Worse yet, her bruises had just faded and she wouldn't risk exposing herself and getting new ones. So, she shook her head again.

"Fine." He scoffed. "Suit yourself. But we're going to be flying for at least two days and nights."

He left her to command his armies, or maybe just to take a plain old shower. The lights in the hangar died. Rey folded herself in that leather chair of his, resting her weary head on her knees.

The darkness buzzed.

Star destroyer jumped into hyperdrive. She cried alone, in the dim lights of a single flickering neon stormtroopers had left on. How could she miss the sand planet she hated her entire life? But it was _her_ sand planet, no one else's. This ship was _his._ Everything else he would provide for her in near future would be his, not theirs. Rey had always taken care of herself. One walker torso, one portion a day; but she did it. And now, she was at the mercy of her lover, friend… man. She had no idea how to call him in her head not to sound silly.

The shuttle felt like prison within a prison, but at least it kept her hidden.

"This is rubbish." She sniffed. The journey wasn't a romantic getaway of two star struck lovers. It sucked. Rey couldn't sleep; bending and stretching awkwardly, based on where her limbs cramped. Her stomach grumbled and she fished out a single portion out of her bag.

"Great."Where does one get water in space? She licked a bit of dry powder, but it went straight away into her nostrils. "Blegh, ugh," she started spluttering and sneezing.

"Not all over my chair please."

"Bah!" She felt something akin to a heart attack and fell on her bum, covered in a white powder, blotched from all the crying and feeling miserable.

 _I must look pathetic,_

 _She looks fucking adorable._ Kylo entered the shuttle and pressed the hydraulic button to raise the trap door. He smelled of fresh soap, not like ten hours worth of fear, like Rey. "Thought you might be hungry." He uncovered a plastic tray. "And maybe in need of a company."

He handed her the tray and put down the mask. He felt ridiculous wearing it in front of her, now that she got to try it on as well. Something changed, when he knew she had felt it; those four walls and a roof constricting the soul of anyone who wore it.

"Thanks. Ou toutful." Her mouth had already puckered under the load of potatoes she shoved inside.

Kylo had seen her leave some milk for god knows what stray creature she had adopted on Jakku. Now, he felt the same, as if he just fed a wayfaring little pet. They were sitting on the floor in the middle of main deck, Rey stuffing herself, and him watching.

Then, he caught himself. "Do you mind?"

"What – you looking at me while I eat?" Rey snorted. "Why would I? Certainly not the worst position you've seen me in. Besides," she popped a straw into the nutridrink. "If I had to wait to eat alone or keep manners, I wouldn't have swallowed a single bite on Jakku."One had to fight for every morsel of anything edible there, so Rey didn't give a damn. "This is delicious." She was sipping the strawberry mix.

"Yes, canteen is certainly one of the perks of the First Order. Think of all those trays you left untouched when I first brought you to the _Finalizer_." _Why the fuck did I just say that?_

"Think about how you behaved, back then." Rey didn't even blink.

"Fair enough." He said, glad she didn't get offended. He had to laugh at her, seated in a lotus position, sipping that little milk as if she never tasted anything like it. The straw was making weird noises and Rey suddenly felt full, uncomfortably so.

"I can't eat anymore. I'm done." She pushed the tray away, getting on all four. She clambered towards him and laid her head into his lap. _This is it._ His body finally felt like a proper shelter, not this stupid shuttle.

Kylo relaxed, leaving the entire nerve wracking day behind. He started combing through her hair, letting it slide through his fingers like auburn waterfall. "If you have told me this morning that we would be sitting here, at this hour, I wouldn't believe you."

"Hmm." Rey yawned. Sugar rush made her dozy. "I still don't believe it."

The shuttle jumped a little, just a small sway left because the destroyer was changing the coordinates of the hyperdrive route.

"Where are we going?"

Kylo rested the back of his head on the console bolted to the shuttle walls, no longer playing with her hair. Now, he was stroking her cheek. "Corellia."

"Why?"

"For the funeral." He decided to be honest with her and see how that went.

"Whose funeral?" She drew herself up. Nothing killed the romantic atmosphere like a talk of death.

He gave her a deep, poignant look. His face melted into that of a young, tired boy. He could look so reckless and unhinged one moment, and vulnerable the next. He raked through his own hair nervously; a habit, she had learnt, signified his discomfort.

Rey's hand shot up, covering her mouth. "Han… I mean your father."

"Corellia was his home world, so." He cleared his throat to swallow something strange building at the back.

 _Fuck._ Rey started thinking frantically. This was a taboo. They never went there, and never touched certain topics – her torture, his past and family, Skywalker… and now, she opened a can of worms. She didn't want to spoil this night by how their encounters usually went; him hitting the roof and her shouting.

Kylo tapped the index finger on his temple. "I can hear you think, you know."

 _Damn the Force bond._ "Sorry. Consider the topic closed, never happened. We don't have to-"

He shrugged cockily. "I don't care. It means nothing to me. _He_ meant nothing to me."

The night no longer buzzed, it straight up sparkled and the cinders were flying in all directions.

"Why did you kill him, then?" Rey asked in a small voice.

"Because he was weak. He made _me_ weak. I had to do it." He was still sitting with his long legs stretched; his back leisurely leaning on the console, but Rey wouldn't be fooled. His fingers started twitching.

"Is that why you lost on Starkiller base? Because you felt so strong afterwards?" She gulped, poking the hornet's nest with a long ass stick.

Twitch, shiver, touching of his hair again and again, squirming on the spot… the shuttle walls started closing around him. The deck felt like a closet and Kylo like a giant sitting in it. "I didn't lose. I was severely wounded, if you recall." He barked. "Besides, I never wanted to kill you. If I did, you'd be dead." He was blue in the face, like a boy arguing who won the pod racing match better. Sometimes, he skipped defensive and went straight into the sulking mode.

"I'd be dead, huh. That's reassuring, thanks. "

Kylo blinked, as if waking up from a stupor. "No – that's… I mean I won't ever try to kill you of course. I meant back then, when…" _When I didn't love you. Yet._

"I'm tired." She said loudly. "I think I want to sleep now, so if you don't mind." She slithered to the opposite side of the shuttle and curled like a puppy, ready to sleep.

Kylo smiled. "Are you actually kicking me out of my own ship? When has it come to this?"

 _Shit._ It hurt; her not wanting him to stay the night. He wouldn't touch her, not even Kylo felt like making love under those very cautious circumstances. But just sleep in her company would soothe his aching soul. It would make it all better and he wouldn't wake up screaming, thinking about his dead father. He got up, straightening his tunic, ready to push the door button.

"Stay, please." She whispered. He heard it – the loudest whisper in the entire galaxy. She didn't want to be alone any more than he. This was them, being lonely together, precisely like she had imagined when she held him in her arms two nights ago.

Kylo felt giddy on the inside, but he merely swayed his shoulder. "Whatever. I can stay, if you're afraid."

He lay down his robes and they snuggled close to each other. Rey huffed. "Sure. I'm afraid. Not like you're dying inside to be with me."

"Nope." He kissed her earlobe. "Not the case at all."

"We didn't try to kill each other tonight. Progress." Rey stroked his face, gazing into his eyes, shining inches from hers. "We actually talked and not fought."

"Or fucked."

"You're impossible." Rey rolled her eyes.

"I know."

He saw her eyelids flutter, but she forced them up, straining her body awake for one more moment with him. "Go to sleep, scavenger. We still have a day's journey ahead. You need rest." He kissed her lips, just barely, so she could finally drift off.

"'Kay."

He couldn't fall asleep for a long time after she did, reliving the bridge scene on the Starkiller base. He saw the red chasm. He saw Han Solo's fall. He felt phantom pain from Chewie's bowcaster's blast in his abdomen. Perhaps he always would, as a memento of his heinous, sinful deed. Rey, on the other hand, looked like a surface of tranquil water. Would he dare touch her? Would he dare ripple the pond?

"Dream on little dreamer, if you can - _till_ you can." He contoured her cheek with his palm and planted a beautiful vision inside her mind. She would see a night summer garden filled with fireflies. Just as he could slay and torture his enemies, he could create universes of bliss in others. The Force truly was a wondrous mechanism, guiding him to soothe those he loved.

"Imgonasayit….ready…" she murmured.

Kylo shook his head. She always talked in her sleep, always about sand or portions or engine parts. Never about that, never about _him_.

"Ready." He whispered back, eager to hear it, thirsty for it like never before.

"I love you." She answered his prayer, and huffed in a deep, serene sleep.

He kissed it back into her and turned on his side, finally feeling groggy, finally ready to let go.

Had he not turned, he would have seen her opened eyes, and lips mouthing it over and over again. He exchanged the comfort of his chambers for the night on the cold, hard floor with her. He mourned his father, even if he stomped on his heart not to. And she was going with him, betraying the resistance and the people who once saved her.

This time, she fell asleep only after he did. Together, they weren't lonely anymore.

* * *

 **A/N I don't know how much you follow episode VIII spoilers, but they're actually shooting this sequence in Dubrovnik rn, so… Han's funeral on Corellia might very well be canon, yup.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Carte blanche**

* * *

When they first crossed the atmosphere, beautiful new world spread before Rey's eyes. It looked ancient. But it also shone bright new. She was rotating her head left, right and upside down, if she could.

Corellia glowed dark orange. Corellia was a planet submerged in endless summer night, warm and inviting. The best ships in the galaxy were born there. The spaceport overwhelmed her like none other before.

Coronet became a capital of a profitable empire and Kylo led her there, into the high and shiny skyscrapers, along the bustling lines of spacecrafts. His shuttle vaulted Rey for so long, she itched to comb her hands on the blades of grass and run into the sunset.

They landed on the docking platform high above the sky, on top of a gray building. Rey saw no difference in these silver needles reaching to the atmosphere. One pointy shard equaled the other; she shrugged, as a stormtrooper offered her his hand to descend the platform.

She frowned and took it.

"Don't attract attention. Don't do anything rash, and for the love of god, don't open your mouth even if you're angry; even if you're right and they're wrong." Kylo instructed her, strutting before her like a protocol droid. The mask was on.

"What if I want something?"

"You come to me."

"What if…I want to go out?"

"You come to ask me, and I tell you if and where it's safe."

"What if I want to talk to someone who doesn't love the sound of his own voice?" she crossed her arms.

He stopped pacing. The shuttle floor stopped bouncing and eerie silence fell on them. Rey realized how sturdy his steps were, how tall and heavy he really was.

"Is this funny to you?" he barked.

"Immensely."

"Well, fuck that."

"I can't help but laugh. Have you forgotten who you're talking to?" She made a point to look above him, not into his eyes. "You're schooling someone who survived on her own on a wretched mutation of a planet. I made it out of the junkyard of the galaxy. Surely I can handle one city and some woods around."

Rey lurched. Nothing happened. She expected a rant, a rebuttal, trashing and cursing. Kylo looked her up and down; and then again. She felt as if submerged into a bucket of freezing water.

"Come here." He motioned and she reluctantly followed. He took her to the window. He must have felt grand, above the people fussing down on the ground, no bigger than ants in a city fit for a giant.

"See that?" he pointed at somewhat gray and sizable area of the city. "That's the Blue Sector. It's an underbelly of this planet, a place where Selonian barbarians slash your throat as a greeting. Not to rob you, not for the credits, just because. And that," he jerked her finger left."That's CorSec headquarters; one of the largest ship manufacturers in the galaxy. Not just core world, the galaxy. Let it sink in. As you can imagine, it's heavily patrolled. And patrols will slash your throat as a greeting, too. They're no different from the natives."

Kylo raised her arm and spun her around. "One look at you, and they'll do it. And then there's Treasure ship row – the largest bazaar of illegal trade in Corellia. It's not only easy to get lost there, it's inevitable for someone who's never set foot in. You, with your luck, are bound to get into something. So…no, you can't take care of yourself. Not here."

Rey ignored him spinning her and mocking. She furrowed her brows. "How do you know so much about this place?" He sounded like a tour guide for a moment, not a dark servant of the Order.

"Because it's my duty to know. Because I research before I undertake a task." He let her hand drop.

Had he researched Jakku before he came and slew Tuanul? He couldn't remember. Had he seen her as a statistics before he ever set foot on the sand planet? He would study holopads at night "Two thousand scavengers are working for the self-proclaimed king of Niima."

And he fell for one of them.

They shared a bed first thing, before counting bathroom tiles in the new apartment; before admiring the view. He couldn't sate the desire to look at her, radiating after he disrobed her and she him; and they both gave each other part of their own. She was his instant gratification and a prolonged agony.

"Do you have to leave?" Rey leaned into him, touching his bare chest.

He nodded.

"Do I have to stay?"

She couldn't stand another silent confirmation, so she slapped her hand across his mouth. Dark amber in his eyes glowed. They widened and he licked the inside of her palm. Rey grimaced and withdrew. "Eww."

"Eww?" he couldn't believe her child-like naiveté. "Ten minutes ago, you swallow-"

"Not the point." She cut him off, turning the shade of a blood moon. Kylo bit his lip. Apparently, they could do things, they just couldn't talk about them.

And then, he left.

Rey didn't bother asking where. On Jakku, she often felt like a child drifting out at sea of sand. Looking out the window now, nothing changed. She was a child drifting out at sea of glass and metal; in a city full of ships. She caressed the transparent wall.

She was small and the city big.

She was found in a city of lost.

And the black banners were flying in the wind, jagged in all the highest skyscrapers. Coronet was draped in black to honor the man it had never met. But Rey had met him. "Birth home of Han Solo." She sighed, hating those flapping pieces of dark fabric. Even if he lived here, the city didn't know him.

" _And Han Solo. You feel like he's the father you never had. He would have disappointed you."_

Lightning cut the horizon.

Suddenly, Rey felt tired. She answered the urge to walk onto the balcony, a massive patio protruding from that glass wall. The air smelled fresh and damp, and she felt the static buzzing all around. It charged her, invigorated her body. Lines of spacecraft were intersecting the dreary sky in precise, zigzag patterns.

She waved her arm in the air, greeting them all. She was a lonely dot, a blip on the map of Corellia. Why did she come here? She used to be a lonely dot on Jakku. Now, perhaps some nights, Kylo would keep her company.

It started raining, but Rey couldn't make herself to seek shelter. She was breathing on that balcony and drinking the rain. The storm tore off several banners and tossed them in the wind; and they flew and glided once the water brought the down.

Was Han Solo's body here, now? Did someone retrieve it from that deep, red chasm on Starkiller base? She grabbed the darkest garb she had and changed in a hurry. She had to see him and let him know that she was here; a daughter he never expected to a father she never had. Rey didn't dare to hope she would see Poe or Finn… she didn't deserve it. She abandoned them for a man who maimed one and tortured another. Her love felt right when with Kylo, but faulty all the other times.

"You will take me." Rey ordered a stormtrooper. Not "the" stormtrooper. She had no idea if he was old or young; if he served her before or not.

"My orders are clear. I'm to keep you here and under no circumstance-"

Rey took a step closer, burying her eyes into the helmet. "You – will - take - me."

"I will take you."

And so they boarded the airpseeder. And Rey came to regret it in the end. Something terrible happened that no one anticipated. It was foolish of the resistance to drop the guard in the middle of the war. It raged in full, even cloaked in serene skyline of Corellia.

"One storm isn't over yet, and another one began?" Rey thought at first. Odd weather, she shrugged and stood in a long line to pay respects to the deceased; hidden under her warm cloak.

It wasn't a storm. And it didn't leave until raining water turned to fires spewing from the TIE fighters.

The blast threw her dozens of feet away, blinded, and deafened. She tasted rubble and blood and metal. She didn't get to see Han in the throngs of mourners in black. Instead, she got to see hundreds of new corpses, freshly made and stamped by the First Order. She was lying on top of a body pierced by a shard; scrunching her face, not crying because – what would be the point? Whistling sound turned her world upside down, her ears were bleeding and she saw – but she didn't comprehend what.

Pair of hands threw her off the body; the boots were stomping and people shouting.

And then, her senses shut down and she knew nothing about anything.

…

Rey was staring at the storm raging in his dark eyes, screaming. "Tell me! Admit it! You did this… you gave the order!"

"You know nothing."

"I know you. That's enough for me."

"I told you not to go out." Kylo grabbed her shoulders, shaking her.

"And I told you I would."

"Fuck that!"

"Shut up. Shut – up! I don't need the entire medibay listening to your tantrum." She slapped his hands away.

The little restraint Kylo carried into that conversation died, once she winced. _She winced._

"Does it hurt?" he stared at her like a maniac. "Does it?"

"Yes!" She drew her bandaged arm closer.

"Good. Feel the pain. Maybe you'll learn something from it."

"How can you say that?" She was on the verge of tears. "If you- If you got hurt, I'd never say that."

He swept his hand across his hair. "No. You would pity me. Even worse."

"Have you no compassion for anything? Anyone?"

Kylo froze.

 _"_ _The scavenger - you have compassion for her."_

 _"_ _Compassion – for the enemy of the Order? Never."_

He roared like an animal. Medical trays began flying across the surgery. Rey shrank in front of his eyes. She was sitting on the cold, medical table, clad in white robes. Her legs were swaying in the air. Of course she couldn't reach the ground. Kylo hated it. At that moment, he would have her float in the river of pain. Let her feel it. Why did she have to be so fucking small and delicate and… Why could anything hurt her? It was so easy for him, to forget that so many things could break her.

Even he could.

Glass was shattering; silver instruments clattered on the floor. The clangor attracted attention of a medical droid who came beeping and gyrating its head. Spit was hanging from the corner of Kylo's mouth; he wiped it and with one flick of his hand, sent the droid flying in the opposite direction.

"Have you had enough?" Rey spoke. She dared.

She found her answer in the fireworks bursting from the consoles. He was destroying the inanimate and she watched. The medi droid was now trying to get on its two broken feet.

"What is this?" Healer dashed into the room. He saw a girl in white. He saw a man in black. The man was hurting the girl, wasn't he?

Kylo smirked at Rey. 'Watch me. See how you can't do anything, unless I allow it _.'_ He spun on the heel and swaggered slowly to the healer, savoring each step on broken glass.

He raised his hand.

Feel the Force, you puny human, you waste of space. You should be grateful you'll ever get to know it. Not only the healer felt it. The pressure in the room became unbearable. Rey's ears started drumming and she clutched her head. Lights in the ceiling multiplied, the edges of the world became blurry. Sound of bending iron struck her, and Kylo kept going, hurting, punishing.

Rey shut her eyes, tasting her own blood. "Enough!" She cried out.

"I say when it's enough." Leather glove crinkled and the healer fell to his knees.

Only after Rey pried her eyelids open, she saw. She heard. The healer was screaming the whole time, a sound which no human could produce. His eyes… were where they? Only blood and two empty sockets, and that scream.

She felt sick. Her stomach shot a load of acidic bile up her throat. She swallowed it; she had to. She had to do more than keep the food down – she had to stop this. Rey drew her hands back, and without further thinking, she surged them forward, as if pushing an invisible barrier. She pushed something – she pushed _him._

Solid mass in black robes hit the wall. Kylo's body broke a pillar; pulverized stone and soot started raining from the plaster sky, and Rey felt her cold fingertips pressing on her lips.

"Back on your feet. Feel the pain. Maybe you'll know better, when causing it to others." She cried.

He was clambering to his feet, bleeding, looking so pale and surprised, drained of blood and reason. She was still sitting on that stupid table, swaying her legs. How he loved her, when she defeated him. Finally, she proved she was strong, that she could take care of herself. "You still don't believe me."

She shook her head. "I know what I saw. TIE fighters and hordes of stormtroopers. Why else would they send you here? How could you?"

"I did not give the order." He scrambled towards the table, asking permission to be near her, to touch her.

Rey didn't give it. He touched her anyway, resting his hands on her knees. White medical robes felt loose, like a cobweb enshrouding her bruised body. His eyes never left hers. He brushed her legs, raising the hem up her thighs. She closed her eyes.

"I didn't." he whispered. _You believe the lies. For once, believe me when I'm telling the truth._

She felt him wedged between her legs, so close. "All those people dead. Tell me that you at least thought about them, before you ordered it."

"Fuck them. I thought about you, out there." He parted her thighs, leaning closer to the face which accused him, to feel her breath on his skin.

"Is that what you really think? What… fuck everybody in the galaxy who isn't us?"

"Yes."

"You killed a man, right now, before me." She started trembling.

"And I'd do it again. You finally felt the Force. You finally defeated a threat."

"So what, this was an exercise for me? Is this what this poor man died for?"

He observed two drops trailing down her jaw. That cobweb fabric absorbed them. "He still served better purpose than in his miserable life."

Rey knew he was being deliberately harsh. Even he couldn't feel nothing, understand nothing. "Were you, really?" she asked.

"What?"

"A threat to me… you said I defeated a threat."

"I'm your biggest threat. And you are mine." He forced his lips onto hers; kissing the fear and sorrow out of her. She locked her arms around his neck, giving back through bitter tears. He felt sorry for her, so sorry she had to doubt him. He would act the same way, if it came to him. But this one time, she truly had no reason.

"How did you know I was gone?" Rey broke the kiss, but he still lingered on her lips.

"I notice your absence before your presence." He breathed in her scent; that fragrance he'd always recognize, even covered in blood, even mixed with sterile medical concoctions.

"How's that?" She combed his hair and he purred into it. He loved her touching him like a lover, like a mother.

"Because you're always with me, on my mind. So, when you're not, I know."

"Is it the Force bond thing?" she asked, moved by the confession.

He said nothing. _No Rey, it's another bond._

Strap fell down, exposing her smooth shoulder. He bent and kissed it. In that moment, his love hurt. Rey's heart swelled and she loved through so much, that she couldn't endure it. He was kissing her, with lips parched for hers, with hands covered in fresh blood of a man who died for the sake of their argument.

They skirmished – nothing new about that. But now, someone died because of it. Their passion created a victim. Kylo was kissing her shoulder, and then, he dragged his tongue past her collarbone, up her neck.

"I did not give the order." His voice sounded so desperate; so eager to please and make her believe. "I would have told you if I did. But this isn't on me. A lot is, but not this. I wouldn't have ordered an attack in the middle of his funeral."

He looked at her and let her read this mind. 'Don't believe the best in me, but have the faith to doubt the worst.' She saw it in his eyes, in the tremble of his lower lip, in the way he spoke; tenderly, not shouting the truth into her anymore. 'Believe me. I don't ask anyone else to do it – but you, you should. _You must._ '

"I believe you." Her soft voice embalmed him in a nice, warm cocoon. "Kylo, if you only saw, if you were there… "She shuddered in his arms. "Han didn't deserve it. Your mother didn't deserve it. And those people…"

"It's all right. I don't want you to think about it anymore." He skimmed her cheek. "Come, I'll take you home."

So, he took her. Rather, the stormtroopers took her.

Less than a day and she had gotten used to her silent companions in white. They faded into a wallpaper, white and invisible to her eye. She felt ashamed, treating others like undetectable props, when she herself had been treated just like that on Jakku. But nevermind that, Rey sighed.

She was thinking about the events of the past twenty four hours, leaning on the wall of the hovercraft slashing the sky. Kylo didn't fly with her. He accompanied her from afar, like always, confined to his personal shuttle. She wouldn't have believed that this nice planet could be this deadly. Evil of the First Order reached this scenic core world, just as it did the last gas giants of the outer rim.

Once they got back, Kylo lay her down to sleep and stayed up, watching. He reached for her – but then arrested his hand. A weary boy was keeping vigil by the bed of a broken girl. Those coarse robes of his felt alien against his skin.

He feasted his eyes on her neck, so smooth and lean, but now bruised again. Purple patches spread across her torso; her lower lip doubled in size and her forearm was fixed in autocast. He forced himself to look and memorize each contusion on her body; so that he would prevent it in the future.

He had to harden his resolve. No, he wouldn't let her go, no matter how many tears she'd shed in front of him. On her knees, yelling in his face – he would always picture this very image of her, broken and bruised, and stop her. Rey's pleading moved him in the past, but that would change.

"Tie me up, why won't you." She said without turning.

He blinked, unaware she could hear. "How long have you been listening to my thoughts?"

She spun harshly. "I wasn't listening. They woke me." Rey contemplated his face, long and closed off to her and the world. "Why are you like this?"

"Like what?"

"Distant. Like you don't care what happened to me, you only care I broke your stupid ban."

Silence, sighs and more silence answered her. He leaned and rested his elbow on the back of the chair. Rey patted the bed with her good hand. She felt so sore and raw, as if she scraped for portions three days straight. Kylo considered the state of her, but he was too much of a glutton for her presence to deny. He climbed to bed and drew the covers over their bodies.

"I should change first." He murmured; she must have hated those robes by now.

"Don't on my account. I don't care what you wear, only how you act."

Kylo smirked. He found it comical, that they were still fighting, trying to jab each other with words in bed, while needing each other's company more than oxygen. He was picturing all the places they never went together. Planets, star systems, lilac, distant moons… they never went there and they never would. But they had this bed, and in it, the entire galaxy for themselves.

He shifted on his side to face her. Rey felt his deep sigh on her cheeks, once the reality of it confronted him. The bruises, the bandage…

"I asked about the thoughts so I can assess you properly. I'd like to start training you." He said.

"The Force?" her eyes lit up. She scratched his prominent nose and he huffed. "I have a few conditions."

"Of course you do. I'm listening." He kissed her before allowing her to dictate the terms; perhaps to remind her that what _he_ decided would follow. He tasted dried blood on her lip. _Fuck._

"I want to learn proper lightsaber fight technique. And I want to learn all that mind stuff. But - nothing dark. I don't want to torture people or summon the lightning, or…" She found her voice in a minute, after he didn't respond, just stared her in the eyes. "So. Is it possible like that?"

He shook his head. "That's not how the Force works."

Father's lips spoke those exact words before the son silenced them forever. Han used to tease his son when he levitated pebbles in their garden on Endor. And Ben in Kylo remembered, even after all that time.

"The Force doesn't decide anything. You do. It's the conduit who directs the energy to create," he opened his palm like a lotus flower, and suddenly, a light blue mist twirled around it. "Or destroy," he closed it and the mist disappeared.

Rey grabbed his palm and twisted it around, studying it with open mouth. Where did the mist go? Kylo felt such a strange sense of pride at this menial feat he had accomplished. It felt so good, nothing like the destruction of Hossnian, nothing like victory over resistance. He wiggled his large fingers a bit, to show her that the mist wasn't hiding in between.

"How'd you do that?" she panted like a child seeing rainbow for the first time.

"Wouldn't _you_ want to know." He smirked.

Rey pressed her lips into a thin line and opened her own palm. _Come on, come on. Glow, or the sucker will never let me forget it._ Kylo strained his face not to burst out laughing. Her tendons were bulging and she shut her lips even more.

"Here, let me see if I can help." He leaned and blew into her palm, a gentle breeze from his lungs, a gift to her.

The palm glowed.

Turquoise mist was swirling around, and Rey felt the energy incarnate seeping into her pores. Her breath hitched and she started feeling something… it felt like a living organism, warm but not, pulsating around her. He gave her something precious; not in words, but in deed. She heard wind chimes in the distance, echoing bells which morphed into children's voices, celebrating the beauty of their world.

Kylo watched her tremble, and her eyes brimmed with gloss over his gift. He joined his hand with hers, fearful he would snuff it out. But he didn't. He felt the same energy as her, _in_ her. Together, they felt the mist wafting, binding more than their limbs.

She looked him in the eye. If she lived only to this moment, she would be content. It was the perfect point of her life. That glow simmered and consoled the innermost parts of her being; and he was there, by her side, sharing the mystery.

Rey closed her eyes. "Why destroy and kill, when you can create something this magnificent?"

He shrugged, affected more than he cared to admit. "It's life." He whispered. "You're born, you die. There's both, good and bad. And we have to live through it all. You can keep it." He nodded towards the plumes of gleaming light.

Rey swayed her arm in the air and the mist swam away, gliding like a leaf on the lake surface. It cast a cold, but soothing hue on their faces, and they felt it inside them, around them. Kylo didn't know what it was or where it came from. He never conjured anything like it, nor did any master teach him that. But he wouldn't say a word to Rey. She thought he was a big shot in puffing out cool mist, and he would keep it that way.

He looked her in the eye. If he wouldn't wake up tomorrow, he would go without regret. He felt the most there was to feel. Someone loved him. _Him_.; the failed offspring of the greatest bloodline in the galaxy; a son who killed his father; a son who repudiated his mother. He didn't love him. So why did she?

He brushed her stray wisp away. This was the perfect moment of his life. Tomorrow, he'd don the mask and black robes and kill. Tonight, someone loved him.

* * *

 **A/N Thank you for your reviews, they're so positive and I appreciate every single one of them. Mwua. Sidenote: I'm starting a new project at work so updates might scale down a bit, but just a bit...nothing tragic, thought I'd let ya know.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Intermezzo**

* * *

They were training in a simulator, on the roof of their building. Two weeks had passed since the attack at the funeral. She had to plead with him to start.

"You're still not healed." He stepped back, as she walked into him.

"I am." Rey wiggled her hand, free of autocast. "See?"And she would be nagging and jumping on him every chance she got, so he relented in the end.

Their lightsabers clashed and parted to the same rhythm they were used to when making love. Red and emerald sparkles flew left and right and the fighters danced around each other in perfect harmony.

Kylo twirled around her. Hit into the shoulder blade brought Rey to her knees. "You're not focused. You leave your plank open."

She squeezed her eyes. The pain shot from her back to her lungs. "I get it."

"Do you?" he motioned and she got up.

"Yes." The sound of her gritting teeth was audible in the air. "I'm exposed. Cover my back. I said I got it."

The fighting resumed. Yes, it could be called that because neither of them held back. She gave it her all, and Kylo deflected and spun around just like in the woods; when they fought to the death. Sweat was trickling down her back. His parry reached so far, that to avoid him cost her energy. _Guess he was right._ She still felt drained and not her former self; and her arm tingled. But admit it – never.

"Aaargh!" she yelled out of frustration when he sent her to her knees third time in a row.

"You're leaving your-"

"… plank open. I KNOW!" She jumped to her feet and before he knew, green fire surged at him and singed the hem of his robes.

Rey froze. She never wanted to go his far and legit attack him. Kylo was heaving, looking down at the scorched piece of fabric she'd cut off.

"I didn't… I don't…"

"Don't apologize. You felt it, didn't you?" he twirled his crossguard in the air; showing off.

"I felt something."

"Well," he nodded appreciatively," now you only have to learn to use that something in the fight and you'll master the technique in no time."

Rey walked towards him. The red and the green now came closer together, and the heat intensified. "I thought we're practicing lightsaber fighting today, not the Force."

Kylo smirked and wiped the sheet of sweat off her brow. "One does not exclude the other. You can't separate Force from the rest of your being. It's always with you, no matter where you are; no matter what you do. You tapped into it and that's where that hit came from."

 _Oh no._ She tapped into that chaotic, dark side of the Force. Not the one she wanted to use and master. Rey vowed to herself not to give in anymore. Anger and desire to hurt – that was when she felt it the most. She would simply have to fight honorably and let him win, if need be.

"What is it?" He frowned.

"That feeling I had… "

"What about it?" he couldn't comprehend.

"It terrifies me. That power I feel in me when I'm angry terrifies me. I don't know how to control it. I don't think one even can. Don't teach me the dark side, teach me the other way, Kylo."

She beseeched, so earnestly that he turned his lightsaber off and sighed. _Fuck me._

"Force is dependent on your emotions. You don't need me to teach you anything – you just have to learn how to control them. It's not so wrong to feel the anger, if you channel it right. You can use it and overcome it – but not allow the anger to overcome you."

She gazed him in the eyes. The animal he once became was gone. Sage, patient, young man dressed in black tunic and pants was her teacher. He looked so determined, so ready to let her know all the secrets of the Force, that she couldn't help but touch his cheek.

Kylo looked her up and down surprised. "What's this for?"

She shrugged. "You're not breaking the equipment and the walls still stand. Thank you for having patience with me. I know I'm a slow learner and…"

He assaulted her lips.

Lightsabers clunk on the floor and he brought her closer to him, trying to get her to the equal height. "Impossible task," he thought. She was smaller and light as a feather and he scooped her up and held her close.

Kylo tugged her lower lip between his. "I told you - you need a teacher." That word burnt inside his mind. He cleared his throat and lowered her down. He couldn't allow himself to succumb to emotions while they were at it. He might have accidentally divulge something from his own training with Snoke, from the missions he went on, or from his childhood. The last part terrified him the most.

But Rey sensed it, as their bond grew; she sensed his fear and doubt. "Is your training similar to this?" she shuffled her feet.

 _No Rey, my training ends in a stack of corpses and three, four of my broken bones._ Kylo pushed back his shoulders and that hint of a brat was back."I won't discuss that. But no, this is what little kids do when they first get to the academy."

Rey crossed her arms. "Little kid level…I'll show you who's a little kid."She muttered.

"What's that?" he scoffed.

"Nothing, but just so you know, children can be very self-sufficient and all sorts of better than adults."

He detected a hint of sadness in her voice; a gleam in her almond eyes as she gazed on the horizon. Simulator read their frequency and body stats and changed the scenery from a battlefield to urban sunset.

"Rey," he spun her around. "I don't doubt you were an exceptionally gifted child. I can imagine what you went through on Jakku. Well, I can't. That's the point, isn't it. But you're doing great, really." He sounded eager, too eager for him and Rey chuckled. It was sweet that he tried to make her feel better.

"Thanks, my Master."

"You're welcome, my padawan."

He combed through his hair to stomp on the raging blood flow in the nether parts of his body. The way she called him master did things to him.

Rey licked her lips seductively. She stood on her tiptoes and purred into his ear. "My master. I need you to show me the ways of the Force, Master."

Not a shiver, but an explosion shot up Kylo's spine as he heard it. "We should, ehm, I think we should…wrap it up and…" he stuttered. _Who's a little kid now?_ She had him in her grasp, that one.

Rey arched her brow. "Seriously? Wrap it up? So that does nothing to you – and I thought that you would be up to-"

Before she finished, Kylo managed to tear her tunic hungrily and roam his large, warm palms on her navel. Rey closed her eyes, unable to jab at him anymore. It was always like this, when the rage or insults turned into passion, out of the blue, in a heartbeat.

"You know it does things to me. You know very well what you're doing to me, scavenger." He travelled up her torso, kneading her breasts, skimming her hardened nipples.

"Jedi," she moaned."It'll be a Jedi soon and then you can't insult me anymore." She kissed him, pressing her chest into his hand.

"Insult?" he blinked. "I don't call you that to offend you."

"And I'm not ashamed of who I am. A scavenger… a scraper from Jakku."

"But you're mine scraper." He whispered, stroking her back. "And you'll be my Jedi, too."

"Yes."

They abandoned reason and gave into the wanton lust coursing through their bodies. Simulator changed the milieu again, sensing their body temperature skyrocket. Kylo set her down on a foam mat and blankets; intended for when the warriors got weary from the fight.

She lied down and smiled.

He could be looking at her all day, all night. Her pert breasts spread on her chest which was rising up and down calmly. She was calm and inviting, even if he knew what she felt building in her navel. He took off his tunic, exposing his muscles, hardened by physical training. They never talked about his scars, because – why?

She knew where they came from.

He knew.

And in the end, it weren't the scars that mattered to him or her. It was the closeness and warmth and… love. They were both naked, somewhat unsure why they didn't jump at each other yet.

"You're so…" Kylo kissed her.

He meant to say she was beautiful, but she already knew, didn't she? Besides, he wouldn't sound like a sappy idiot; not him. That's why he always whispered it back, only for Rey to hear, only for her to feel. Not even the air in the atmosphere deserved to know what he felt towards her.

"You, too." She shifted, giving his hungry mouth better access to her neck. "You're handsome and tall and…"

"What?" He leaned back, amused smile dancing on his lips. "That's random. Also, it's the horny you talking. I'm neither of those things."

Rey put her hands against his chest, hovering above her. "You are. You have to trust me. This," her index finger skimmed his nose, "and this, and this," she went on to his ears and lips. "That's beautiful."

 _Fuck._ He was losing it. He fell for her harder than he'd ever wanted. And now, she was saying those things and he almost believed her. And he loved her more than he loved anything in his entire life.

"If you only saw what I see." Rey smiled. She had an inkling he still didn't believe her.

"I do." His dark eyes skimmed her radiant face.

Kylo started kissing her entire body, from neck to her chest, strewing random kisses all over her torso. He parted her legs. The moment he tasted her, all previous times they had been together came back to him. Rey didn't feel this comfortable with him ever before. She received something from him that only his body gave. It felt like that beautiful blue mist. It felt like fire.

He began kissing her inner thigh, and slowly, pedantically, he worked his way onto her swollen clit.

Jolts of bliss came and went in the same tempo as his tongue thrust in and out; and then he began sucking on her flesh.

"No rush," he whispered."I want you to feel it." His one hand rested on her breast, massaging it with his thumb. The other one was working alongside his tongue, penetrating her, but just barely to ignite the indescribable need for him, and yet never satiate it.

Rey wasn't hesitant to show him how much his touch affected her. "There, oh yes, harder. You're so good."

He reached behind the hard ridge of her pubic bone, where she curled upwards. Her inner muscles clenched and squeezed his fingers, coating them in her sweet juices.

She came not once, but twice before he decided it was enough. Veins on his throbbing cock were bulging, and he marveled at his restraint. Somehow, he didn't mind the painful sensation of a hard-on while licking her. They did this many times before, and he always hurried, always eager to be inside her and get his own release.

But now, Kylo felt as if he could wait a moment. Perhaps he could wait half an hour, if it brought her pleasure…if _he_ could bring her pleasure.

Rey spread her legs for him even further. "Come, "she beckoned. _Come home where you belong; inside me._

His muscles trembled, as he saw and smelled her glistening pussy; slick from the coating his tongue had caused. To have someone in this position, ready to accept him inside her body, unconditionally, trusting him and wanting it to be _him_ , and no one else – an unknown feeling washed over him. He was saying things, deep and beautiful things which made sense, but at the same time, no sense at all.

He propelled himself on his elbows and entered her, slowly, aware of each moment. She felt slick and warm; and it was a wonderful surprise for him, to be outside her one moment, and inside her the next.

Rey sighed and writhed under him. "Gods… I don't know what you did down there, but I never felt this ready." She closed her eyes and started moving her hips to meet his rhythm.

He supported the bulk of his weight on his arms, unaware that it was that weight Rey coveted, that intimate closeness where one didn't stop being them, but instead, combined with the other.

"Fuck… you're amazing. You're mine, mine." He kept saying, thrusting into her; moving in sync with her.

That symmetry brought them closer and closer.

"I love you." Rey said without warning, without the usual ceremony accompanying that confession. She wound her arms around his neck, and guided him further, deeper.

Their breaths mingled and moans of pleasure filled the room. They were cruising on a river together, approaching a waterfall. But the closer they got, harder it became not to go over the edge. Her toes curled inside as his pubic hair brushed her clit, just when she thought it couldn't be more arousing. He dictated the pace and pressure just right for her to feel it all, more intense, deeper and harder.

Kylo wanted to be buried inside her for hours, days. And Rey felt all the bad in her past erased, when he moved inside her, on top of her and when their tongues clashed; and there wasn't a part of them which was separate.

But the heat and pressure and all that wetness couldn't be contained. He felt himself go over, massaging her clit with his thumb, thrusting in an angle which titillated her walls in that one spot he knew she was dying to be fucked.

"I'm coming, babe. Is it…"he gritted his teeth and tried, so desperately, not to give in.

Rey almost died. He called her a pet name and that had never happened before. And suddenly, his cock went there, _right there_ and struck a match against her walls, and she cried out.

He spilled himself into her; while she spasmed and undulated, dragging his body down on her, to feel him whole. He kissed her, and they moaned and cried into the kiss, where blinding climax consumed them both.

"Am…I too heavy?" he rasped, as he fell limp on top of her.

"No. You're just right." She panted, riding out the last post-coital contractions; while gliding her hands on his broad back.

This felt nothing like any sex before, but still exactly the same. How come they could fuck and fight, shout and hurt each other, but every time felt like a new dawn?

Kylo pulled out, unable to process coherent thoughts. Nothing would ever take Rey from him. Not the resistance, not the Order, not good or bad, safe or dangerous. He would possess this forever, this amaranthine happiness he had found with her.

Once she fell asleep, a strange nightmare plagued him.

He knew they had opened their Force bond more, much more than ever before. Not only the physical intimacy, but their fights and fear for each other magnified the bond. Peculiar emotions and images were flowing from her, into him; pure and unsuppressed in her unconscious state.

"Why does everyone want to get back to Jakku?" young boy threw his hands in the air. "Boyfriend? You got a cute boyfriend?"

"None of your business, that's why."

Kylo kept dreaming it, and a fit of rage plucked him out of sleep. He sat up and saw more. He saw Han Solo giving her a gun – the same blaster she had used on him on Takodana. Then, an image of his mother attacked him, slumped over the chair. She looked so frail and weary. Rey; the daughter Leia never had, hugged her.

Kylo wiped his face aggressively. Rey had never met his mother. What was that vision? A past, present, or a future which never came?

Still, nothing irked him more than that presumptuous young fool in brown jacket. _The traitor_. He looked so cocky and confident around Rey… and they shared an embrace when they reunited on Starkiller base. _How fucking dare he?_ He pawed over her in a familiar manner, as if there had been something between them, more than camaraderie - an understanding. Kylo regretted not killing him when he had the chance. He wouldn't mind her dreaming about any scruffy scavenger from Jakku, or anyone else in the world.

But the traitor was too much.

Rey whimpered in her sleep as she kept dreaming about Finn. Guilt-induced dreams brought her back to the insane journey she had undertaken to get all the way to the forest over the precipice; all the way to fight Kylo Ren and not win, but not lose either.

"You came back." She whispered.

Kylo had enough. He shook her roughly, just out of spite and jealousy.

Rey opened her eyes, darting up. "What? What is it? You gotta leave or?" She was used to gentle treatment, him touching her as if her feared to hurt her. Not now. Now, he was harsh and that meant something had happened.

But once she looked at him, she wrinkled her forehead. "What is it?"

"What is that traitor to you?" he asked coldly.

"What?" her dazed mind barely computed.

"I saw him." He spluttered, throwing blankets away from his naked torso. "You're dreaming about him. You miss him, huh? That fucking traitor who hurt me and almost killed me."

Rey rolled her eyes. She had no idea where to begin. "First of all – I can't help what I dream about. Really, Kylo?" She scoffed. "Secondly, he didn't 'nearly kill you'. If I recall, you slashed his back wide open. He stabbed you once."

"That's not the point." He threw the words she so loved to mouth back at her. "Point is – you're dreaming about him. And what's next? You're gonna join the resistance, if they call?"

Even in the darkness, she sensed his burning stare."Don't think I don't know you'd run away with them, if they found you."

 _That's it._ "They've already found me, for your information." She screamed and bolted out of bed.

Kylo fought two battles at once. He had to ignore her voluptuous, naked body and trump her petty rage.

"What did you say?" he followed her, equally nude. "What do you mean they found you?"

 _Fuck._ She didn't mean to tell him, ever. "Well… I didn't say it right. They didn't find me. I got one message, that's all. They were just looking for me and- "

Kylo nearly lost his footing. The resistance filth contacted her? When? How come he had missed it? He, the one who exercised so much power to keep things as they were, had nearly lost her to the scum. And he had no idea.

Kylo shook his head - plenty of time for punishing himself later. He grabbed her arm. "You're gonna tell me everything, now."

She wiggled, but couldn't free herself from his grasp. "Let me go!"

"Tell me, first."He eased his hold, but didn't let go. "You know I can take it from you anyway."

"Really? Is this what you took from it all? Think!" She tapped her temples with her free hand. "It's not that I could go – it's that I _stayed_. Are you not able to comprehend, you…you."

He squeezed her arm hard.

"Let me go!" The anger was brimming on the edges, now. "I can't help that I have friends who care about me. It's logical they would be looking. I disappeared on Starkiller. We fought and Finn nearly died and the next thing resistance knows, I'm missing, presumed dead. You think they wouldn't look?" Her face was shining, so desperate, so sorry for the people she had to leave behind.

Kylo dropped his hand.

Nobody was looking for him.

Not his pompous mother, the great General Organa who fought against her own son, rather than try and find him. Han Solo – he tried, but once he started spewing all the filth about Kylo being used, it was over. And Luke… he didn't try to find his own nephew, the padawan he once had. Ben was hurt and confused and thrown into the matters bigger than ten years old boy, and still; Luke disappeared into hiding.

He wasn't looking.

Nobody was looking for Ben Solo.

Only Rey found glimpses of him, under the mask, under the angry surface. What an irony. Rey was the only one who didn't have to be looking. Kylo let her see.

Two naked lovers were spearing each other with their eyes. This was them; loving and fighting; one after the other, and something akin to obsession in between.

"Please, don't go." Kylo slouched.

This hurt her. She expected another session of breaking and trashing until the simulator crumbled like a broken ship. But instead, he _begged_. And suddenly, tears sprung from her eyes.

"I won't. " She said hurriedly. "I never meant to. I can't say it's not bothering me. I'm thinking about it, every single day. But I won't."

He propped her up again, and closed his arms around her. He felt her naked chest pressing into him. He felt her heartbeat and smelled her hair and suddenly, he needed to hear it again. "Don't go. Promise me – _swear_ to me." He whispered into her hair.

"I won't." She felt his skin on hers; and the weight of his muscled arms enveloping her in a tremor disguised as a hug.

"Stay."

"I will stay. I will, I swear."

"I won't leave you behind. Even if they deployed me away, even if Supreme Leader gave me a task in the furthest outer rim system. I won't leave you behind." He said.

"Kylo –" she leaned away a bit. The sight of him broke her heart. Was this what truly lied under all those tantrums? A scared, pale boy who was so afraid to be alone, that he clung to her for dear life? Rey brushed his black hair away gently.

Not a soul had ever seen him like this. Stormtroopers saw a demon in black, Force choking anyone who disobeyed. Hux saw a rival for Supreme Leader's praise. He was alone in a mask; but now she saw.

"I'll leave you only if I die." He stared at her. "You have to know this. And even then, I'll rip the Force apart and come back."

 _Or you'll bring me down with you._ Insane, scary thought crossed Rey's mind. He would certainly be able to.

"I said I won't. But you have to trust me. I can't go on like this. You can't be mad and angry at me all the time. Promise me I won't find myself locked tomorrow. Promise me you won't hold this against me."

He shook his head fast. Then, he kissed her.

…

Come the next morning, she found herself locked. And alone. And she cried. Mad, burning longing for that trust he wouldn't give consumed her. It tore her apart. She was wailing like a creature from another land, another life.

"Why are you doing this to me? Why are you so broken? What broke you?" She was screaming at him; only he wasn't there to hear it.

But he heard.

Kylo heard her despair inside his head, as he waited for Hux to dock in the spaceport. He clawed at his mask, nearly breaking the rim. He couldn't risk it. He loved her and he couldn't let her go. She said she wouldn't run, but she would – inside, she knew she would, and he knew it, too. They were just lying to each other last night, when they still could.

"If the resistance gets to her, they will tell her things, terrible things. She would see me for what I am. She wouldn't come back." Chaos in him had overthrown reason.

This wasn't just his whim; another tantrum; another assertion of his dominance over her.

No.

Her decision to connect with the resistance was a death sentence for them, and she was now walking to the gallows.

Rey kept crying, thinking how to get away. She really wouldn't have left him, she even swore on all that was sacred in her head as he held her close. But now, he locked her. Now, she would run just to punish him and make him feel helpless, used, invisible, and small.

It was no longer "If you could see what I see."

It became "Feel the pain that I feel."

While before, she could only play with spiders and count fingerprints on the _Finalizer_ , now she had the Force.

She could do much more.

She could use it.

She could escape.

And escape she did.

…

Rey was running and heaving; fighting her way through the vendor stalls and mobs of aliens and humans. She passed a large group of hibernating astrodroids. Then, a scent of exotic spices overpowered her senses.

Treasure ship row; the largest bazaar on the planet; had not opened its arms to her. It swallowed her whole, and forced her to drudge and skulk and jump over the obstacles, like small animals on the leash she had never lay eyes upon before; sentient species who either towered over the shops, or shrunk and barely reached her knees; or hovercrafts that didn't heed any traffic regulations and merely honked at the pedestrians.

Rey ducked, as a sudden rumbling noise shook the earth. It was the famous maglev train flying above their heads on the repulsorlift railings suspended in the air; transporting cargo and passengers in an insane speed.

The bazaar was loud.

The bazaar smelled and buzzed and Rey was running through it, trying to block two voices in her head; that of the market, and Kylo's.

"You want me to get really angry? I knew you would do this. I knew it."

"Only because you made me." She pulled her hood down and ran.

Before, she could have closed it off. After their training; something began sustaining their connection; either him or her. She wasn't sure. Clangor of the bazaar didn't mute it. In fact, the louder she siphoned the sounds inside her, the louder his nasal voice screeched.

"You think twice over where you're going, Rey. You better think twice because I will kill them. I'll kill them all and then the fun is over. Then, you'll feel the extent of my wrath and they will feel it too."

Rey avoided a suspicious looking chicken thrust into her face by an enthusiastic vendor, and started scanning the area under giant neon ads. Loud, modern music beats were silencing Kylo's rambling. Well – she supposed it was modern. It must have been when it played on the loop under giant holoads. _Not that I ever heard music like that in my life_. There it was again; that feeling of being ancient; coming from the first star dust in the galaxy. She was nineteen years old – or was it nineteen hundred?

 _"_ _CorSec – the security provider for the greatest ship manufacturer in the western core reaches of the galaxy. Invest now and double your credits. CorSec – no more wayfaring spacefaring."_

The blue ad closed and holonet exploded in vibrant red colors; as red as the anger flowing from the words inside Rey's head.

"I can feel you. You're here and I will find you. Don't say I didn't warn you. Have some dignity and don't beg and cry, then."

She pressed her palms on her ears. "Go away. Leave me alone. Stop acting like a homicidal maniac. I know you won't do shi- oh, excuse me," she muttered an apology when she nearly tripped over a crate of something too strange to name. "As I was saying, maybe you'll think twice before locking me up again. I'll be back, don't you worry." _Or not, you fool. Depends on how you behave._

"You better be."

"I said I will be." She had to turn down the volume, since people started looking at that thin girl talking to herself.

And then, she spotted a familiar brown jacket and a kind face in the distance, huddled under a parasol in the outside tavern. And she sprinted towards it; undeserving of a warm embrace she got.

* * *

 **A/N I'm quasi proud of how this one turned out. I even did the CorSec ad myself xD OK now you gotta comment my beautiful reylo friends, because a government project is put on hold because I spent the night writing this instead of extrapolating highway coordinates in a translation, lol. Abandonment issues, insane obsessive love and them being on the opposite side of the great ideological conflict in the galaxy… need I say more? It has just begun.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Et tu?**

* * *

She really didn't think it trough. The moment she spotted Finn, Rey's heart jumped up her throat and her legs stopped working. Bazaar went quiet. People began crossing her path in slow motion while that inviting hand of her friend couldn't call her more intently.

What was she going to tell him?

How would she act?

She had no story rehearsed. She failed to think of consequences in the fit of rage in which she broke out of the apartment. That was why half of Kylo's plans failed. He went into them with a hot head and an attitude of a petulant child. And now, she became that child.

 _Look, I'm free and I went, even if you forbade it._ But at what cost?

Finn saw her from afar, prodding her legs to move. "Gods…" he almost didn't recognize her. His friend Rey was a tomboy with three cute buns, dressed in a sooty tunic and knee length pants.

This Rey was a tomboy with three cute buns, dressed in a sooty tunic and knee length pants. Only – she wasn't the same.

"Finn." She approached him timidly, barely looking him in the eye.

He gave her a bold once over, the kind close friends could get away with. Was she hurt? Was she afraid, sad, or happy? What – what had happened to her? Where the hell had she been? Finn curbed the endless stream of questions rolling on his tongue and simply smiled.

 _He smiled_.

Rey would bawl and dance at once, if she could.

All the feelings she had for her best friend flooded her anew. She knew why she missed him so much – he was nothing like Kylo. Kylo would roar and stomp and make a fuss about her the second their eyes met.

Not Finn.

At that moment, Rey's swelled heart started pumping blood again. She hugged him tight. He gave her a bear hug, and they both closed their eyes, undisturbed by all redundant senses that were depraving them of feeling each other.

And it was not a burning lake of brimstone as with Kylo. It wasn't a lukewarm pond either – it felt just about right. His arms enveloped her whole.

"It is you." He whispered into her hair, but the very first thing he said threw Rey off. She remembered those exact words spoken on Starkiller, when Kylo gazed upon her as if seeing a nascent star.

"It's me." Rey let go. "You're walking." She reached for his legs and patted them gently.

"Yeah. Took a while, though. Weeks spent in medivac and then some. But I'm all right now. New spine took on nicely, and I can almost feel like my old self again." His eyes darkened. "But what about you? Where have you been? What happened? I just… I can't even remember all the questions I had for you. You must tell me everything."

Rey bit her lip. By the stroke of luck, loud droid vendor crossed their path and Finn shielded her under the parasol, till the carnival of rattling creatures passed. She took a deep breath. "I was taken prisoner on Starkiller when it was crumbling and then I escaped. And now I'm here."

"That's all? Come on Rey, it's me. You can tell me everything. You have to. We've been looking for you for weeks, months. No news, nobody saw you. I even went and looked for a body." Those words got out of him like molasses.

"Finn." Rey put a hand on the lapel of his jacket."We can talk about me later. What about the resistance?" She looked left and right, as if the very air would overhear them.

"The resistance." Finn scoffed. "It's been going well for a while. But then, the Order started attacking our bases rabidly. And me and Poe – there's a bounty on our heads, would you believe it? Phasma is hunting us through seven star systems, and more. There's been a strange development, though." He lowered his voice.

"Well?" Rey arched her brow.

"Not here. Not now."

"But…"

"Yes Rey, _but_. I wanna know more about you, but you said no so I respect that. I just can't believe it's you and that you survived all on your own for so long. I mean, I know you did on Jakku, but… where were you?"

Stalls started putting neon signs on display as the dusk crept on Coronet. Rey was standing there, under a parasol, surrounded by drunken merchants and one confused boy. Tangerine glow of sunset bathed her in rich, soft light. She didn't want to tell him. But in a way, she did. She wished to share her burden and be free of all the lies and deception. She felt impure, tainted somehow, when keeping her relationship with Kylo secret.

Could it be any other way, though? She wiped her brows. If there was a way to test it, it would be to confide in her best and only friend.

"Finn," she whispered, leaning closer. "I have something to tell you."

His eyes turned to saucers. "That's what I've been waiting for. So?"

"Promise me you won't tell a soul. Promise you won't get mad and make a scene and yell and…" once again, an image of angry Kylo flashed in her mind. She was so used to his behavior; she forgot that other people, _normal_ people might not implode.

He took her hand in his. "Rey. Who am I to judge you? I'm not stupid, you know. I figured if you're evading the topic, you have a good reason for it. But if you're doing it only out of the fear of my reaction – don't. I'm here for you."

 _I'm here for you_ sounded like poetry. He recited a beautiful, soulfull rhyme to her in those few words. So, she started talking. The more she said, the harder his expression got. By the end, the edges of his face resembled an adobe sculpture. Rey had never seen the mirth in his eyes dissipate before, only now.

"Kylo Ren captured you."

"Yes."

"And he kept you on the star destroyer and you escaped."

"Yes."

He started pacing around their table. "And then… "

She had spared no detail, waiting for him to absorb it all.

"You let him do that with you? I mean – I don't understand. He's an animal; a vicious murderer. I just…"

Rey was wrong. Finn got angry, but his anger flew in low, precise doses, unlike Kylo's combustions.

"I know it's a lot to take in. But he's not what you said. He's actually a lot more human."

Finn wiped his face. Then he crossed his arms behind his head. "Rey – I served under him on the ship. I know what he is. I know what he did to me. For fuck's sake! Last thing I remember is him, throwing you against the tree till you passed out. Yes, that's the image that haunted me for months, while I was looking for you all over the damn outer rim. And you're telling me you've been with _him_ this whole time?"

"I'm not excusing him. I'm just asking for understanding. I know it's hard and-"

"Wait – so, you could have left him sooner, but you didn't? And you didn't even contact me?" His voice broke. "You let me worry and wonder all those months, while you knew you could just drop a transmission?"

She was disappearing in front of his eyes. Rey he knew was gone, no matter the buns and sooty robes. Then, he started thinking harder.

"He brainwashed you." Finn's face softened, as if he had found an answer to a difficult riddle."He did that mind thing on you he does when he's torturing people. I know it. I've seen his victims babble and cry out their darkest secrets. "

Rey felt a direct hit to her chest. "He did no such thing, Finn." But her friend wouldn't listen. His dreamy expression didn't change, on the contrary – his resolve hardened.

"It's all right, Rey. You're safe now. I'll take you to the resistance and then, Skywalker will reverse it, I'm sure he knows his Jedi tricks well. "

"Skywalker is with you?" She had to prop her elbows on the table and take a deep breath. The music and loud noises didn't disturb her in the slightest. The clarity with which she perceived the situation spread in front of her and made it all so much simpler. "I can't believe this. Didn't he mention me?" she asked in a small voice.

All that time she had spent with him on Ahch-To, and he wouldn't mention her to the resistance? How? Why? Rey sensed a sinister plan in motion, something bigger than herself. She instinctively traced the lightsaber hooked on her belt – Skywalker's weapon she had been using for weeks. She felt a strange sensation wash over her, perhaps a sense of guilt for stealing his possession; perhaps a desire to be united with him; her teacher.

Rey's mouth hung open. _My what?_ Where did that come from? Kylo was her teacher. He taught her and he would continue doing so. And yet, that pull she felt towards an old, toothless Jedi shook her to the core.

"He's with us, all right." Finn sighed. Now that Ren controlled her mind, he couldn't tell her much. Who knew what foul tricks he had played on her? "He didn't mention you. Why would he? He never met you. He knew the resistance was looking for you, as a missing fellow fighter, but… oh shit. Shouldn't have said that, with you being brainwashed and all."

"Finn!" She grabbed his arm. "I am NOT brainwashed. How many times do I have to tell you?" Her eyes followed Finn's. He seemed more concerned about the jacket she had rumpled than her words.

Suddenly, the entire setup became comical, and she let go."I went with him willingly. Yes, it was hard at first and I was a prisoner. But then, I could be free. He let me go. I could have left and join you and I didn't. My feelings – they're real."

Rey stared at her feet, her face beetroot red.

"What feelings. What are you on about? Kylo Ren is unhinged, obsessed, just butt crazy." Finn gulped down a shot of amber liquid. He shuddered as the drink scorched his windpipe and drank Rey's as well. "I lived on the same base as him for years. I know him, Rey – the real man, not that version you _think_ you love. He spends nights creeping around the main deck of the ship, looking out into the deep space, talking to himself. That freaking mask." Finn grimaced.

"It rattles and rasps till no one wants to be around him. And then," he leaned closer to Rey's blank face."The janitor crew said that he has a weird stuff going on in his chambers. There are relics, remains of the dead people, heads and arms and all. And we saw him murder his own father. Don't forget that, Rey. Why would you want to be with _that_?"

Rey hugged her torso.

Disappointment in Finn's voice was killing her. She felt like a failure. She felt like a fool; a stupid little girl who sacrificed all good and right to be with the monster. But she loved that monster. What was wrong with her? If she only gave back, maybe the feeling would go away. If she did her part and paid her dues, loving a monster wouldn't condemn her.

"I want to help. I want to be a part of the resistance again." She said.

"Great!" Finn beamed. "Then, let's go. I and few others have been stationed here on Corellia, as a silent cell to clean up the mess after the funeral. But the resistance is-"

"No." Rey raised her palm. "Not like that. I'm not leaving Kylo. I can't. But I want to be useful. I might be of some help to you, supplying information."

"Absolutely not."

"Why not?"

"Have you lost your mind? You wanna spy for the resistance while sharing a roof with that deranged, maniacal, psychopatic…"

"Finn! I'd appreciate if we left emotions out of this, all right? Besides – if I say yes, we're doing it. You won't forbid me. Stars know I've had my fair share of bans and rules to follow, but screw that. I do what I want anyway. So you can either take my help as I offer it, or leave it." She pouted with a finality of a bargaining child. Her buns stuck out and her profile got sharp.

Finn chuckled.

She was a firecracker; that much he knew. But this new Rey felt different, more determined and vocal. He didn't like it more than the old Rey, he just accepted it. He looked her up and down, just to test if he still felt it.

Oh yes – he did.

He wouldn't tell her, or behave like a love struck fool, but his feelings for Rey didn't change. "All right then. I have to clear it with the leadership first. But it shouldn't be a problem, what another young one throwing herself at the feet of danger for the resistance. Gods know that place is full of us."

They talked further, under bright panels flashing ads and songs, while people around them minded their own business, unbeknownst what had transpired under one small parasol. The fate of the galaxy might have very well been decided right there, in the same spot two Selonian pirates had vomited their guts out the night before. They exchanged com discs and emergency codes and signals to communicate even parsecs apart.

Suddenly, Rey felt an invisible glass inside her shatter into thousand pieces. Her head darted up.

"What is it?" Finn followed her stare into the dark alleys of the bazaar.

"Nothing." She murmured. "I thought I saw something… felt, more like it. I have to go, Finn. Are we set on what's to follow?"

"Dead set. I'd still rather you wouldn't risk so much."

Rey looked at him the same way as when he had held her hand in the desert, running from the TIE blasters. _Are you kidding me?_

He smiled. "I said I'd rather, not that I believe you'll actually do it. I know you won't, so the best thing I can do is to keep an eye out for you, peanut."

"Peanut?" She scrunched her face. She never heard of that, what with her portions and dry sand for horse d'oeuvre.

"Oh, that's a food, a nut; nevermind. I'll bring you some next time we meet. D'Qar is full of them; they grow like weed in the ground."

Parting hug felt nothing like the first one they had shared. Finn wouldn't let go – he didn't want to, but they overstayed their welcome for the period which definitely wasn't safe anymore. Eyes and ears of the Order were everywhere. They slithered into every nuke and cranny of the blinking, bright lights of Coronet.

"Until next time, Rey."

"See you soon, Finn."

…

Dark corners of Treasure ship row hosted many unsavory types. Wholesome ship merchants, traders, and droid manufacturers learnt to evade certain people. They saw right away who could be trusted, based on that glint in one's eye, a tremor of the hands, too calloused to earn credits honorably.

But what crept into the glum alleys of the bazaar that night repelled life itself. Dark shadow in a mask rose behind the slimy wall. His robes were sweeping the cobble stone; his steps heavy and the mask impenetrable.

People wouldn't look at him; they looked straight past him – but they knew. Even if the Jedi were long gone and the republic crumbled, the Force spread its tendrils to the innocent ones who knew not how to wield it.

But they felt it.

And the Force radiated from that tall shadow, and one glance from under his mask, and merchants' souls cried out in agony. Impure shadow, a wound in the Force they would call him. He had renounced all good and light and fell into the darkness.

Kylo's lightsaber remained unlit. He marveled at his restraint when he saw them, behaving like two foolish children, under a damn parasol. Unit of stormtroopers stood motionless in his wake. One sway of his hand, and they would get their order. They would charge and storm the place, tearing it down. They would bring Rey home and traitor's head on a silver platter.

And then, Kylo would display it among other trophies he had amassed in the time serving under Supreme Leader. She had forgotten her place. He had made her forget, with his soft touch and sweet words. But no more of that.

No, he wouldn't give the order.

No, he wouldn't have it fast and easy.

He would make them bleed and suffer for the insolence.

He would make Rey love him even bathed in her own blood. His teeth clattered under the mask. The shadow disappeared as quickly as it rose.

…

Rey came back to the empty apartment - or so she thought. She flicked the switch and the light blinded her for a moment.

Kylo was sitting behind the chrome table, still as a statue. That wretched mask lay next to him. The gloves stayed on. That itself told her he was mad. He knew she hated his touch whenever he wore them. So, he wouldn't touch her that night and Rey found relief in that knowledge.

Something hovered in the air, an oppressive foreboding. Only when the last chandelier lit, she spotted a stormtrooper in the corner.

"What is this?" Her hand slid down to the hilt of the lightsaber. Lover old, lovers young – but these lovers fought more than made love. She was ready, no matter what.

Kylo rose. The glass, chairs, and the table oscillated under the bulk of his frame.

"That is LM-2276, stormtrooper charged with your safety. His protocol is simple, really. He is to guard you and under no circumstances let you go out." Kylo sounded bored; his hands were joined behind his back. "LM- 2267; meet the scavenger your duty failed to contain in this apartment, even if I specifically ordered you to."

Rey abandoned all pretense. She quickly unclasped the lightsaber and set herself in a combative stance. Her arms started shaking, and her eyes dewed up, even though she knew it wouldn't affect him. But her nerves were strung like chords. She had to vent, she had to find a way to channel her maddening fear and turn it into resolve. _Be brave, Rey. These are your first steps._ She shook her head. Who the hell said that?

It was the lightsaber speaking. No, that couldn't be.

The fear she felt was unimaginable. The shadow was walking towards her; each step accompanied by another loud thud.

"Stop. Don't come near me. And don't even think about doing what you planned. I know what you're doing. Just don't." She said.

Corners of his lips upturned."Me? What am I doing? I'm not doing anything." He shrugged. "It's you. Always you."

"Kylo, please."

His stare mocked her, dared her to surrender. "I told you not to beg, didn't I? Once a scavenger, always a scavenger. If you only saw yourself. Look at yourself."

Thud, thud, step and another, his vicious grin scaring her… Rey ignited her blade.

He scoffed. "You look pathetic. Trembling like a sycamore in the wind." He stretched his palm and closed it. That leather glove crinkled and it drove her crazy. He repeated the motion a few times, just to torture her.

Heat of the green fiery column was shining on her skin. Kylo didn't even bother to reach for his. Did he think her unworthy of a combat? Was he mocking her or getting ready to kill her, right there?

She let out a small whimper. Her face wrinkled under the immense strain. Those cute little freckles disappeared in the rumples of her skin.

Kylo gulped. _Fuck_. It was so easy in his head, when he punished an imaginary specter. Real Rey was dying from fear; here, in front of him, swallowing hot tears and backtracking away from the monster.

His arm shot up. The balcony door opened. Entire glass panel disappeared and mighty breeze assaulted them both.

Rey stifled a sob. "Stop."

"Stop what."

"Please don't do this. You don't mean it. I defended you. I said you weren't a monster. Don't do this. That was you, that feeling I sensed in the bazaar. You were there. I know." She panted.

Kylo's breath hitched. He was equally thrown off balance as she. It felt so unnatural; to go against the woman he loved. But she had to learn her lesson. "Then you know I saw you with the traitor."

"Please." She hefted the lightsaber in her arm. It was the broken one. It weighed her down, almost sliding to the ground. She nearly lost her balance.

Kylo jumped to her immediately, stopping a few paces from her.

"Don't!" she leapt back, thinking he meant harm.

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck_. What the hell was he doing? He felt less sure and sicker with each passing cramp of her petite arms, fighting to hold that blade, just in case he attacked her.

Kylo threw his arm back in the air and the stormtooper flew into it; tips of his boots scratched the polished floor all the way to the vise of leather glove.

Rey let out a cry. "Let him go! If you touch him, I'll… I'll..."

Kylo raised his eyebrow. "You what?"

"Fight!" She beseeched the trooper, hanging limp in the air. "Take out your blaster and defend yourself, you fool!"

It was futile.

She couldn't comprehend why no one, but her, in the entire fucking galaxy fought Kylo Ren. If the stormtrooper could talk, he would have told her. Didn't she see that the chill daggered into the very being of anyone who opposed Ren?

How could one man go against such horror; how could one ready a blaster and shoot, when the certainty of death came whether they tried, or not?

Rey swayed her blade high in the air and attacked. Kylo simply stepped back, then left, then right; not really giving it much thought. She cried out with each strike, tiring herself to the bone.

"Enough." Kylo spat through his teeth. He was angry she was hurting herself, not that this puny ant attacked him. She was harmless, perhaps even more so than the trooper in his grip.

Rey's lightsaber flew from her hands and landed in Kylo's free one. He tossed it on the opposite side of the room, behind him. She'd have to cross him to get to it – an impossible task.

"No! Stop! I'm telling you to stop!" Her shorter legs were scurrying behind him, as Kylo surged to the balcony, dragging the soldier with him. "If you won't, I will fight you and I will never forgive you! Can you hear me? Don't do this!"

When she finally got outside, she froze.

The stormtrooper's contorted body was levitating in the air, above the thousands and thousands of feet of empty space. Kylo was twirling his wrist dispassionately. Man's life was hanging by a thread the shadow spun and weaved as he pleased.

Currents of wind were tossing his black hair around that long, ghostly face. His robes billowed, and only now did Rey see who she loved - a creature from the other word, a brute wielding power far greater than she ever would. Skywalker's teachings beckoned her. " _The Force is strong in my family. My father has it. I have it. My sister has it. You have that power too."_

Soothing voice came out of nowhere and enveloped Rey in a gentle hug. In that moment, she regretted not staying on Ahch-To and let Luke Skywalker teach her. In that moment, she became a singularity of grief and regret, and the Force wouldn't forget it. She did wrong by the galaxy. She chose a monster who could never be her teacher. She chose to love him despite it being unnatural and wrong.

And now, she had to pay.

"Be glad I'm not killing your traitor. I saw him looking at you. I know what he feels. But this one," Kylo lowered his hand and the trooper ebbed few feet down. "This one failed his duty. He disobeyed my direct order and you got away."

"Punish me, then." She whispered. "Don't take it out on the innocent. This is a threshold you cross only once, Kylo. I love you. I do, but I can't love you through all that blood. Don't do this to yourself."

He blinked. _Myself?_

"I know you." She took a tentative step forward. "You kill this man and you kill what we have. And then I leave – or you kill me, too. I don't know. Maybe you will. But then… it's you who will get to live with that for the rest of your days. Alone, sad, hurting."

He beheld her truly for the first time since she stepped onto the patio. She was so beautiful, even when he was torturing her to the death.

Kylo's lower lip quivered.

Rey wiped her tears and walked closer still. "You said your family abandoned you. You said you're alone and no one was ever looking. I'm here. You're not alone. But please, don't do this. We won't talk about this, ever." Morsel of hope flickered in her voice. "If you let him go, it's as if it never happened. You forget Finn and I forget this. We'll go to sleep and we'll wake up tomorrow, and I will kiss you because I love you. But you have to come back."

The winds intensified; and two lovers on the roof were bleeding the same sadness born of hate and fear.

Kylo hung his head. _Then, you will kill me. I don't know. Maybe you will._ She thought he would kill her. She thought and still, she begged him to come back. 'Think about your life before her, you fucker; before anyone loved you, and believed you would let go'. There wasn't another person born or dead, who would have gone to the same length as her.

His hand dropped.

Black spots covered Rey's vision before she realized that the stormtrooper landed on the floor, next to Kylo.

"Go," she whispered. "Leave, hurry, please go." Shocked soldier barely scrambled to this feet and ran away, falling many times till he finally got to the door

Kylo felt cold tears falling down his cheek. He didn't remember the last time he cried. "Go. You're free of me. You can go, now. I won't stop you. I won't come near you, not tonight, not ever."

Rey was crying, harder and louder now that a life wasn't at stake. She hugged her torso and hunched, weeping for all the lovers who weren't them, because only they could love through such profound pain.

"I'm not g-going to le-leave you." She sobbed. "I said I won't. I meant it."

He felt the chains break. He felt the mountains crumble. The catharsis consumed him raw in a blinding feeling of a hurt animal.

She fell into his arms – or did he? They supported each other. He pitied her, sentenced to love a monster. She pitied him, sentenced to be one.

"I'm sorry, Rey. I'm so sorry, I'm sorry." He was holding her tight.

She heaved into his chest. She wasn't angry and that startled her. She didn't give up on him, even after he almost killed someone; just to prove a point.

Perhaps if more people hadn't given up on him, he would have been sorry for more things he did. And then, compassion might have opened the door to the light. But nobody felt sorry for Kylo Ren. Only she did.

He slouched down and wiped her face. "I promise I won't go after your traitor. I am sorry and I'm not asking you to forgive me." He said tenderly.

Rey couldn't believe this. He went from a killer to the gentlest soul in the span of minutes. She loved them both.

"You don't have to." She raised her head and drowned in his dark orbs. "We'll never talk about this. Like I said… I meant it. I meant every word. Come, let's go to sleep."

She enveloped half his large palm in hers, and led him inside; to the safety, to the warmth, to the place where this night would forever stay behind.

* * *

 **A/N I know what you think... FINALLY progress...finally a recognition of what she means to him, even to the length he would spare a life. And Rey - she kept her promise and didn't run once the monster calmed down. About time, 70k words in, right? xD Slow burn, my dears. Also you know Rey spying for the resistance will be good. And Luke - he's dangerously close inside Rey's head...but why? OMG. Who's the teacher? Thank you for the comments :)**


	17. Chapter 17

**Acte Noir**

* * *

Kylo woke up to the sound of an animal scratching its paws at the door. The sound carried itself in an obnoxious, languid manner.

He blinked.

Rey's spot was empty. He felt it without ever turning to look. The bed felt colder, less inviting when her soft body didn't occupy it.

"Did she adopt another stray cat?" was the first though which crossed his mind. The abrasion on metal buzzed in his ears; and he threw the covers off. He spotted his reflection in shiny surface of the glass wall. He sported proper morning hair, an anthracite bird's nest; and his nose felt smushed and somehow not in the right place where it should be.

"Rey?" he called, but no one answered.

He crept barefoot into the main living area, where he beheld a peculiar sight. Nightgown clad Rey was sitting on her heels, bent over a large metal panel. Her nimble hands were scratching a set of lines; not wild and ugly ones. She made extra careful streaks; one followed another in a weird symmetry.

Kylo gaped like a fish. "What are you doing?"

She spun around. "Hey! Uhm… how long have you been here? I haven't heard you." She bit her lip, trying to hide a miniature chisel behind her back. Since her back faced him, she "hid" the instrument right in front of his face.

He nearly laughed out loud, but lucky for him, he learnt to control much of his emotions if he anticipated she would _not_ find them funny.

"Is that a?" He squinted and came closer. _What the actual fuck?_ It was a panel of her old AT &T walker; the same one she had lived in on Jakku. It even bore Kylo's footprint, where he had kicked it in a fit of rage.

"I can explain." She fiddled with the chisel.

"Oh, I think I get it." He chuckled. "Scavenger thing right? This is too much even for you. Wait –" he opened his mouth, revealing those large crooked teeth. In that moment, Rey would have bashed them with the tool. "Is that why your luggage was so damn heavy when we left Jakku? Did you… did you actually drag that thing with you? On my ship?"

"Maybe." She crossed her arms. "What of it? It's my calendar. I've been doing this since I was," she brushed her tongue over the teeth and Kylo suddenly forgot the subject. "I don't know actually. I might have been six or seven when I first started. I had to start marking a solar cycle on Jakku. That way, no one could cheat me of my rations and deals which Tuskan raiders came to make twice a month."

She tossed the chisel in the air. It spun around and Rey caught it with dexterity of a repair droid. She winked at him. "I am smart, you know."

 _…_ _and beautiful, and passionate, and mine._ "Of course you're smart." He stuck out his bare chest.

Rey tilted her head and smiled. She loved when she made someone proud. Nobody was ever proud of her. Not for surviving alone, not for fighting for her life, not for escaping the sandstorm in her eight cycle when she used a torso of the _Vengeance_ class frigate and made herself a makeshift tent. These feats remained unrecognized, unappreciated.

He appreciated her.

He appreciated her during the day with his words and training and fleeting looks when he thought she wasn't looking; and at night with his kisses and sweet nothings whispering till she fell asleep.

"I've been meaning to ask you," he started squirming on the spot. Six feet three tall Kylo squirming made her bite the insides of her cheeks. "About last night."

"We don't have to talk about it."

"Really?" _She didn't need to talk about feelings?_ Fuck, how he adored her.

"Yes, really." She threw the forgotten chisel on the floor and waltzed towards him. "In fact, I think we should be doing something else, something far more entertaining before you leave."

Her somber countenance made him hate that he had to go. "You mean training?" He played along."After all, you do leave that plank wide open."

Rey slid her hands under his arms, stroking his back, craning her head if she wanted to speak to him. "If you say the word plank one more time..."

"Then what?" He laughed and before she knew, he threw her across his shoulder and carried kicking and panting Rey to the bedroom.

Bed or simulator, it all came down to them, fighting, in the sheets or on the ground. She gazed upon him lovingly as he laid her to bed. "I want to do that thing we discussed."

"I don't think that it's such a good idea after last night."

"I do. I want to… I mean…those first few weeks when I hated you; there was something about it."

Kylo brushed his knuckles against her skin. "You really hated me, then."

She nodded.

"But you don't anymore."

"You know I don't."

"When did it change?"

Rey joined their palms together. "You mean when did I fall in love with you? I remember exactly. It was that one night after you returned from Ahch-To. There was blood on your mask, and I was…"

"You were provoking me. Yes, I remember. Is that it?" His voice trembled.

"Yes. I don't know why. I wish there was some profound gesture you did, or a thing you said. Maybe we could make it more memorable. Maybe we could have our song, or our special day. But it was just you, sitting there drenched like a wet cub and looking into empty space. I knew I loved you since then."

Kylo played with her fingers, not paying attention, just touching her whenever he reached. "Hmm."

Rey propped herself on her elbows. That closeness felt just like the very first time he touched her, but still new. "What about you?"

Ah, yes.

He almost forgot she needed to hear everything, not whispered but said out loud. Her little rituals and freaky ceremonies didn't end with a set of scratches. They magnified.

He hung his head."When you were strapped to that torture rig."

Rey recoiled. "What? That makes no sense. We've just met and-"

"And I knew. I was sitting there, in front of you and studied you for hours." _Good one, Kylo, not creepy at all._ Pride be damned, he decided to spill the beans. They lied down on their sides and gazed at each other.

"You were asleep, and I saw images, excerpts from your youth. Not the map – never that damn map. You shielded it well inside your head. But I saw things… sand, you crying, you fighting. A little girl with the exact same buns climbing a big ass ship; falling off the rope and crying again."

Rey wanted to believe. But it sounded preposterous. "So you saw a weepy little kid. And I didn't cry that much. Maybe once a month. Yes," she nodded. "Once a month when it marked the anniversary of my drop off."

Who could fall in love with that pathetic, sad, little creature? Rey wondered. Whoever dropped her off on Jakku didn't love her. They wanted to be rid of her and left her all alone. How could a creature in mask love something like that?

"I was thinking about how to break you, at first. But you slept for so damn long, as if you never allowed yourself to rest before. I waited. I don't know why. You once accused me of not having compassion for anything. I had it for you, back then. You were so afraid and so lonely, and you always slept with one eye open on that sand planet. So, I let you."

Rey scooted closer, resting in the crook of his neck. There it was again, soft waves of his heartbeat seeping into her skin.

And he spoke. He didn't know why he was revealing so much to her. Perhaps she deserved to know for the patience she had had with him, a temperamental storm raging at her every day.

"I was getting ready to scare you once you woke up. I never meant to unmask."

"But I made you." She smirked.

"Yes, you made me." He said and his Adam's apple rippled, as he swallowed words, many more that he would divulge. "If you only saw yourself. You were cheeky and nasty and every look you gave me was that of an utter despise. So, I took the mask off to show you I wasn't a monster. I wanted to befriend you, to make you see that I can be trusted and once you gave me the map, I would have let you go."

"Would you?"

After a long pause, he said "No."

Silence fell on the bedroom.

"You're meaning to tell me that if I didn't escape, you would have kept me prisoner anyway? Even before we fought on Starkiller, before I defeated you?"

Something rattled inside her – the echo of her own heartbeat. The outcome was but one; always one - them ending up together, in a cell, in the infirmary, in a bed.

"I…" he let out a deep sigh. "I don't know."

He spoke the truth.

Rey felt as if they went too far; said too much. Her palm started tracing circles on his chest. "Well, I for one thought you were too pretty for the evil monster you were playing at."

He snorted. "What?"

"Uhm. You slammed your mask into that thing - what the hell was that, anyway? Nevermind; and I saw your pale face and normal eyes and… I don't know. I just thought you were not meant to be there, with me, doing those terrible things. I didn't expect you to look like you did."

"And how's that?" He poked her ribs.

"As If I'm gonna tell you. Your ego is bigger than your ears, you don't need to hear more praises from me. We wouldn't fit in bed."

"You little…"Kylo assaulted her lips, feeling the feathery lace of her nightgown under him. He pried open her mouth, demanding entrance which she gladly gave.

He kissed her slow, gently massaging the corners of her mouth with his tongue; while she inclined her head and lay her hand into his hair. She loved his texture; that warm feeling of his mouth; that kindling desire which was the beginning of something, but still innocent enough for them to lose boundaries.

Kylo's hand caressed her neck. He slid down to her breasts, feeling them over the lace, over the fabric made of nothing. He would make sweet, passionate love to her all day; if it wasn't for her urge to give into a fantasy they had discussed.

He broke the kiss, burning her earlobe with his breath. "We can go on like this, if you want."

Rey's bent knee connected with his crotch; and she pirouetted it around, to feel the bulge harden. "No. I want to try that thing. If you're up to it."

 _Fuck yeah._ "You command, I oblige." He smirked, growing harder with each spin of her leg. "But once you say that word, I'll stop."

"I get it. Gods, Kylo," she rolled her eyes. "If you only put as much thought into your tantrums as into this."

He jumped out of bed to get ready. Her cheekiness prepared him in no time. She was always like this; pushing his buttons till they blinked red.

The thing they did was furthest thing from making love. A monster took the scavenger.

Rey was lying on her back, nervously wiping her forehead; clutching the sheets before it even began. Empty bedroom became a chamber, and she an initiate into something dark. She fashioned her hair into three signature buns. While tying the loop on third, her fingers started shaking.

She was wearing her nightgown with nothing underneath, and her mind was racing and spinning, questioning every second he had made her wait.

The door burst open; and he walked in; and in that instance, Rey's fear didn't feel pretend. He was naked, completely naked save from the mask and leather gloves.

Rey's breath hitched.

She hated, _fucking hated_ those gloves and he knew it. _So, this is how it will play out_. If she expected some half-assed badmouthing, she was wrong. Kylo Ren entered the room; and she had to but marvel at his exceptional physique. He looked like a statue; the ridges of his hard muscles protruded on his ivory skin.

He was broad and tall, taller yet, when the mask added inches to his height. The V-shape of his abdomen muscles ended in a dark trail of hair. His cock hung limp on his thighs, lean and yet, sturdy.

"Scavenger."

There it was - the voice of a monster and the blood which had been pumping like crazy in her veins froze.

"I know you have been in contact with the resistance. You will give me all the information you had given them, and you will obey my command."

 _No, no, no_. She suddenly had trouble breathing. Nothing about this was a play. As if he had guessed her intent to spy for the rebels; as if he already knew. _But he couldn't, could he?_

What if her thoughts betrayed her?

What if he saw inside her head?

Rey had but one choice left – play along and leave the crippling doubt and fear at the door.

"I'm not giving you anything, you fiend. You're sick. You disgust me." Hurling insults at him felt surprisingly easy.

Which Rey and Kylo were acting out, and which were telling the truth? It was too dark to ponder, but still inevitable. As if their shadow selves needed this game; to confess unimaginable, to hurt each other with permission.

"How dare you, you desert scum." The leather glove shot in the air. The Force pressed her deep into the mattress.

Her eyes were following the movement of his body. He loomed over her, and the bed dented under his weight.

"I told you to confess, scavenger. Don't make me do anything you'd regret. You know I can take whatever I want."

His pectoral muscles were heaving. He knelt; and his knees spread apart, showing her his impressive erection in all its glory. His gloved hands rested at the sides, balled in fists. He towered over her like a titan, like a vengeful deity ready to ravage her.

She no longer recognized him.

"I said I'm not giving you anything. Why would I even bother talking to a nobody, a servant of the Order? You're just a slave and you can't even break one lowly scavenger. I hate you. I hate everything about you." She managed to elevate her torso a bit, but still felt as if glued to the bed.

The Force contorted her body again. She heard his laborious breathing under the mask. _He got angry._

"You sanctimonious bitch." He rasped and straddled her.

She felt the glove enclosed around her neck, and even if she couldn't see his eyes, she knew what he felt. She might have been prostrated under him, but it was Kylo whose pride got stomped on.

"Ah," she moaned, as one finger entered her; without mercy, without any foreplay. The leather felt strange, cold but at the same time, heightening the sensation.

"You will be begging for it, till this is over. Do you hear me?" he was plunging that one finger in and out of her folds. She felt more pressure than pleasure, but she gritted her teeth.

"Death before submission." She spat. "That's a scavenger code and I intend to keep it. Unlike you, begging like a child over that ravine. 'You need a teacher,' "she panted, mimicking his voice. "That was pathetic, even for a servant."

"Aarghh," he roared.

The gloves went off. He seized her arms and pinned them above her head. She arched like a bow under his weight. Kylo would destroy the supple and delicate body he felt under him.

"You're nothing. I don't have to take care of nothing. I use it and toss it away." He squeezed her breasts, sliding under silk, and only now did she throw her head back.

Touch of his skin on hers couldn't compare to the cold leather. He continued lower, till he reached her sex and began massaging her hard clit.

"You're already dripping for me, aren't you." He spread open her wet folds, and drew his fingers alongside her entire opening; warm and slick like a ripe, succulent fruit.

"Fuck you." She closed her eyes, writhing to the rhythm of his petting.

"Yes, you will." He suddenly stopped and thrust his hard cock into her face. Rey felt free, the Force no longer restrained her.

 _You bastard._ He yanked her hair and forced himself inside her mouth. Tears formed in her eyes, and she would gag because his thick, swollen cock wouldn't fit like that – but she suppressed it and started sucking him off. She would die before showing weakness.

"Hhmmm, yes, work those pouty lips, scavenger." He grabbed her nape like a cat, and bobbed her head up and down. "You're enjoying this, aren't you? You want it, admit it."

Her lips latched onto him perfectly, and she pursed them just right to induce a tight sensation, but not painful for him to withdraw. He felt like fucking the most delicate creature in the mouth; but once he recalled how dirty her mouth talked to him, he thrust deeper.

"Fuck, yes," he rasped through the mask.

Rey lifted her eyes, looking at him, kneeling in front of her, wanton and hard. His taut abdomen was rippling like a marble; and his pelvis contracted in and out to the rhythm of her sucking. She fondled his balls, twisted his shaft and her lips worked the tip as much as she could.

Once she felt his hand tremble in the tangle of her hair, she knew it was the perfect moment. She bit him hard, grazing her teeth on the softest and most sensitive of spots.

"You fucking bitch!" he shoved her away.

"I told you – I'm not giving you anything, servant." She wiped her chin seductively.

"We shall see."

Kylo threw her thighs in the air. He wedged himself between them; and before she knew, his cock rammed into her.

Rey screwed her face.

This felt nothing like the sweet, delicate sensation of him, inching inside her slowly. He just jammed into her, still kneeling over her spread legs.

He stated thrusting; working his pelvis to fill her one moment, and pull out the next. The sensation changed from discomfort to pleasure, once she got wetter and met his tempo.

"Oh, oh," she cried. Her breasts started bouncing because he gripped her sides and dragged her body up and down, while angling his cock to fuck her tight cunt. The bed was shaking; and the rattling of his grunts under that mask aroused her.

"You're still clothed, you dirty little scrounger." He panted between each word and ripped her nightgown.

"Fuck me, yes, give it to me." She showed him how good his thick, hard cock felt inside her.

Kylo dug his nails into her navel, leaving red crescents on her perfect skin. "Does it feel good, huh? Does my cock feel good?"

Their flesh was slapping, and he contracted his ass with each thrust; revealing his muscles to her. Suddenly, he raised her lower back in the air and slid deeper, throwing her leg over his shoulder.

The friction was blinding. Rey forgot her role; that of a low scavenger. Her skin glistened of sweat, her flesh felt wetter, everywhere. The juices inside her pussy dripped on him like crazy, and her calf muscles quivered, as if she ran a marathon. A knot started untwisting deep inside her, and she was inching to the orgasm.

And Kylo felt it.

He pulled out fully, letting her see his slick cock, coated in her juices. "I didn't give you the permission to come."

Rey was gyrating her hips, squeezing her inner walls on her own, biting her lips. Just by looking at his erection, she still felt him inside her.

"I don't need your cock to come, you pathetic little…"

He flipped her over.

She didn't anticipate the movement. The budding fire inside her dwindled. He buried her head in the sheets and positioned her so that her ass stuck out and met his pelvis.

Rey's arched back, the valley of her spine and olive skin gleaming of sweat heated the inside of his mask like nothing ever did.

"Do you need my cock now, scavenger?" _Fuck this, Rey… just say yes._ He needed her, badly.

"Yes, yes I need you." She gripped the sheets till her knuckles whitened.

He plunged into her. That position left them both moaning in pleasure. She felt him inside her pussy, passing each barrier, stretching her out like a natural part of her, like a hard velvety rod. He was sliding on the wave of bliss, in and out, past her silky walls, past the creased ridge where she found the greatest spot to be fucked.

Scorching mist enshrouded the entire bedroom. The temperature of their bodies radiated and there was nothing untainted left; the veins bulged, juices were dripping over sheets and their skin darkened over burgeoning climax.

Her ass grinded against his hair, bouncing off his balls; and he marred her back and hips with the grip which was deadly; painful, but at the same time, needed to control himself. He wanted to devour her whole, to rip her apart with his movements – and he was doing just that.

Rey covered her head, sticking her ass up, giving him better access. He became a Prime Mover; the mass which controlled her body and dosed her pleasure. He couldn't grip her hard enough; reach deep enough to hurt.

Nothing hurt. At the same time, everything did.

When she came, those strong hands supported her entire body. She would have collapsed, if it wasn't for him. She undulated on all four, like a cat, twisting her hips; her back rising and falling in sporadic waves, because she needed to distribute that impossible bliss, that fire exploding in her pussy.

"Oh, oh, fuck, you're so good, make me come, hmm."

Kylo could listen to her moans all day, but he barely translated the meaning; not a thrust later, his hot cum shot inside her, strewn across her walls, dripping out of her. He hunched over her back; ripping the mask off, shooting his load, grunting as his cock twitched.

His face bore the signs of a battle; an immense struggle he experienced through this whole arcane ordeal. His hair and face were completely drenched. The sweat started trickling down his neck.

They crashed on the bed.

Kylo couldn't catch a breath. He felt as if he spent himself like never before. He ogled the damage he had caused. Rey's moist flesh shone red. Her hips and back were coloring in the shades of scarlet after he had imprinted his very being onto her.

"Did I, "he wheezed, still wiping his face. "Did I hurt you?"

She was lying on her chest and craned her head, seeing his eyes for the first time since the mask fell off. "No. I didn't use the safeword, did I?"

 _Calm the fuck down, Kylo._ She didn't use it. Would she remember it, though? He dispersed a set of soothing kisses on her bare back. He enjoyed it more than he'd ever admit. Having her on her knees, choking on his dick brought him a dark, twisted sense of release.

And the mask…it armed him to the battle, and that was precisely what had transpired here.

"Did you like it?" he asked, rubbing her back.

"Yes."

"That doesn't sound very convincing. You know I didn't mean what I called you."

"Neither did I."

Or did they?

Rey purred when his palm glided over her lower back. "Did _you_ like it?"

"Oh yes." He widened his eyes and she laughed, burying her head into the pillow. "Especially the part where you bit me. If we could refrain from that in the future… I'd like to procreate in the years to come so," he said. Suddenly, all the fun went flying out of the window.

Rey froze. Kylo's hand froze on her back.

The time itself froze.

They brought the ch-world into their vocabulary for the first time in the history of them being together. _Children._ All that wholeness after sex ebbed. He felt as if screwing up an unwritten, unspoken contract they had. Don't talk about the future. Don't mention tomorrow, when the certainty of today is barely guaranteed. And children – what madness would possess them to ever bring it up?

Rey closed the distance between them. Tips of their noses touched, and she inhaled his musky fragrance. "What is the lunar cycle of Corellia?" she asked the most random of questions.

Was it a tactics to divert attention from the ch-word? Kylo whispered into her delectable lips, still not kissing her. "Thirty seven days. Why?"

"Because I'm seven days late."

He recoiled immediately, as if touching a hot stove; as if he forgot to turn off his lightsaber while sitting down.

"What? What late? Who's late? What do you mean?"

Rey rested her chin on her hand, amused to the bone. "I am late. You know… as in the thing female species in the galaxy suffer from collectively every lunar cycle?" _Let him marinate in this._ She smacked her lips together.

His ivory visage could get paler only if he dropped dead. But now, his translucent skin shimmered like a sheet of paper. "Youtellingmeyoucouldbe…"

If he fucked her like this and threw his child around and called it dirty scrounger, he would have had the garbage chute open and swallow him whole. And another thing – he didn't want kids. Not now, and maybe not ever. Well, once in the future, when his position in the Order was secured and he needed to continue his legacy. He sported a look of swallowing a lemon, when he pictured a heap of ginger Hux juniors ruling the First Order.

Never.

It would be three, maybe four little Ren's, cerebral warriors, dark Force users who would wield the power supreme. Suddenly, one little Ren's hair turned brown and his face was full of freckles. Little Ren became little Rey, and Kylo didn't mind.

Rey was watching a whole palette of emotions play out on Kylo's face. He got lost in whatever crazy fantasy was spinning in his head. No doubt, he was scared shitless. Oh, yes. She counted to twenty. Then she would tell him that her cycle got pretty irregular, and that her being late was nothing unusual. But this moment of vulnerability – she would savor it.

"Anybody home?" She waved her hand in his face.

He grabbed it and planted a lingering kiss inside. "I don't care. I mean, if you are, I don't mind."

This time, it was Rey whose face straightened. She counted moles on his cheeks, and sighed. "I'm pretty sure I'm not."

"How sure?" his brow shot up.

"Pretty sure. I'm late and it happens, sometimes when stressed. I just wanted to see how you'd react if it were true."

"You were afraid I'd throw a tantrum?"

"Something like that."

Kylo threw a blanket over them. It had been a while, and their frenzied bodies cooled down. "You don't have to be afraid of what I'd think, if you were with child."

Rey spluttered. " _With child_? Nobody says that anymore." His entire approach to this hot topic had her in stitches.

"Well, I mean." Heat crept up his ears.

Rey decided to end his torment. "I know what you mean. And I'm glad I know. Even though I'm not planning on this for a long time, it's nice to know you wouldn't throw me out on the street with the baggage."

He shook his head. She still didn't get it. There was no her and him. It was them; forever together, never alone. He kissed her before they both snuggled under the blanket and fell asleep.

* * *

 **A/N Jung is crying. Freud is crying. Everybody's crying. Roleplay had to happen. You know you want it. So – is she, or isn't she pregnant? OMG if you knew what I have planned… plus, you see I can be nice, it's not always angst. 3**


	18. Chapter 18

**Apostasis**

* * *

 **A/N Not much to add. The chapter speaks for itself. Enjoy!**

* * *

Day eleven; she was still late.

She was fucking late and counting days in minutes; nervous glances at the holo disc on the wall, _tic toc, tic toc_ , the hands would move but her heart hitched somewhere between her ribs and windpipe.

Thank the gods Kylo had left, otherwise her hysteria would manifest itself in screaming at him, the grand Prime Mover, the culprit behind this mess. "What are you, twelve?" She sagged on the ground under those holoclocks, hugging her torso. She was just as much at fault as he. It took two to tango; and they didn't dance, they fucked and lacerated their way through many climaxes they had shared.

"Miss, might I suggest an herbal mix the staff has procured from the bazaar just this very morning?" Rey threw daggers at a humanoid silver creature; a droid Kylo had given her to keep her company. LI – 34; more than a protocol droid, less than a friend.

"No, thank Eli. I'm good."

 _Tic toc, tic, toc._

"Well, it contains a dash of lavender and Sullust rose, the greatest calmative in the…"

"I said I'm good." She raised her voice at the droid; pile of metal with circuits instead of emotions; covered in cables instead of veins, pumping electricity from a thorium centrifugal compressor.

Great, now she was arguing with a droid and she felt miserable. "I am sorry, Eli. I didn't mean to snap," and before she knew, a big, fat tear trailed down her cheek.

Why would she cry? She felt like a like a geyser of hot steam about to go off. _Damn emotions._ Wasn't she the calm and rational one in their partnership? This smelled like Kylo's bullshit; yell at a droid, Force choke some stormtroopers and sip a cup of tea in the evening, gazing at the storm clouds as if nothing happened.

Not twenty minutes later, she _was_ sipping that pungent blend; sitting with her legs crossed on the balcony. It was about to rain again. When wasn't it, on this weird planet? She pushed the cup away. She didn't want one – but then, she suddenly did. A drop of it was sliding down her throat and she wiped it; but at the same time, overthrew the saucer and the entire setup clank on the stony ground; shattering to pieces.

"Gods fucking damn it!"

There they were – oh yes, insidious, stupid, wet beads falling out of her screwed eyes like waterfalls. Pathetic; sad, stupid scavenger; she wiped them hurriedly.

Rey bumped her forehead into her open palms and squeezed her knees together. If she was…p-word; she could maybe keep it inside longer. She could squeeze her knees and it would fall out, now; right now in a state which didn't resemble a human being.

She darted up.

"This isn't me. How can I even think about something so terrible?"

The droid sauntered behind her on its two metal struts and started cleaning the mess. "Are you all right, miss? Do you require medi droid's assistance? I admit, I am a domestic unit, but I am pretty skilled with a needle and a suturing kit if you need me."

"No, thank you Eli. I'm fine."

 _Not._

…

On day thirteen, she requested something living to be brought to their apartment, large enough to echo like a hall, when she and Eli were the only occupants. Stormtroopers got her pots and scrapers and plants; two barrels and heaps of dirt.

She was hunched over one particularly alluring titian orchid, wiping her forehead and relocating it into a larger pot.

"Would you care for some…"

"Yes, Eli. That yesterday's blend will do, and honey, please. Thanks." Rey didn't bother to lift eyes from her miniature vanity project. Ok, so if she was … p-word; it wouldn't be so bad. She had figured it out. She would go back to Jakku and live in that simple adobe house, raising the baby on her own.

Kylo could come and visit whenever his duty allowed him to. Rey beamed, jabbing the scraper into damp soil. "Am I smart or what?"

She was sure he wouldn't mind; after all, Kylo and a crying newborn – comical image indeed. Rey would change a diaper and he would throw a tantrum, another baby in the house; a baby wielding a lightsaber, nevertheless.

Nope.

She was sitting on the patio again, sipping the blend and relishing in the spicy mixture of cloves and orange peels. "All will be well," she patted her non-existent bump and smiled.

…

On day fifteen, she didn't get out of bed. "My life is over. I am dying. My dreams are gone and my future shattered. I have nothing left." She was sobbing into drenched pillows.

"I was supposed to fight for the resistance; train with Skywalker, become a warrior and bring the First Order down. Not become a mother at the age twenty, carrying a child of a man who…" She sniffed hard and swallowed some of the spit. _Eww._

No matter how much she wanted to trash Kylo, she couldn't find anything wrong with him, being the baby's father. He always took care of her. Well, she did take care of herself – but he did it, too. And they had managed so far, more or less unbroken. Add a child to the mix, and what was left? Two young people who loved each other, and a third, tiny person who would sort of fit in. They could sustain life; nurture a baby with pale skin and eight little freckles, and a head of black hair.

…

On day sixteen, she called for a hovercraft and Eli and three stormtroopers, those eternal white shadows, accompanied her to the medibay. She had to know. She had to make sure whether be damned or delighted.

"A hand scan here…and here." Medi droid was swallowing inflections, speaking in a monotone, wry voice. "Please, change into an ordained gown and lay down on the table. The healer will be present with you shortly."

It scampered away; and Rey did as ordered by another pile of metal. Strange, she who used to make a living form salvaging these broken, fragmented parts now took orders from the lot. She lied down on the table. It was cold; her wan hands clenched around the edges and she started breathing.

In and out, _tic, toc_ , don't cry, don't think about anything. But she did. She thought about Kylo and missed his presence. Not a week ago, she was lying in their bed, ready to get fucked by a creature in mask. Now, she might have very well been carrying that creature's baby.

 _What if it's already born in a mask? How is it gonna come out?_ Bizarre image flickered in Rey's nervous mind. She chortled. "Gods, I'm losing it."

The door opened and Rey closed her eyes, expecting the worst.

Instead, she got the best.

…

Home smelled different, like flowers and oranges. When Kylo descended from his shuttle in the spacedock adjacent to the apartment, she was standing behind that glass panel, waiting for him.

Fuck, she looked gorgeous; different somehow, but still the same. She was wearing a light blue silk nightgown, her loose hair reached past her shoulders. He walked inside, his robes billowing, heavy footsteps stomped the very concrete under him. She knew not to go near him till the mask was on.

He went straight past her, to the bathroom.

Rey had no idea what he was doing there. She didn't mind not knowing. That was perhaps the only thing he could keep to himself. It was always like this – he came from a mission and the longer he stayed locked inside, the worse it had been. Rey would wait, slumped in front of the locked automatic door, waiting patiently if he needed her.

He never did.

Kylo tossed the mask aside and immediately sensed her presence in the Force. She would curl up outside, waiting for who knew what. _Him_ ; she was waiting for him and his eyes brimmed with something strange; a glistening substance which he disposed of quickly. He masked it when he splashed cold water on his face.

Off went the gloves, the robes, his pants and tunic and underwear. He bent his arm wrongly and hissed in pain. That would hurt for some time. He stripped himself of all impure once he set foot where she was. He stared at his own reflection. Bared teeth revealed one chipped molar; a split lip, and a sinew on the temple. His knuckles were blue and black; grazed as half his body. Large purple patch spread on his chest; yet another feeble attempt of the rebels to stop him; a moving mass on the way to devour. He climbed into the shower and let himself be washed away by hot torrents.

He was standing there for fifteen minutes, his head hung; his hands laying limp next to him; not washing, not moving. The water felt nice. He felt clean only when the stream colored translucent again and the drain didn't shine bright red.

Blood of others… an armor he got used to.

Kylo dressed in simple black pants and T-shirt; only when he was sure they were alone. No stormtrooper would ever see him like that; only Rey. He opened the bathroom door and found her down, coiled up like a puppy, sleeping.

"Hey," he crouched down and nuzzled her cheek with his knuckles. "It's me. You didn't have to wait here."

""S all right." She yawned, stretching her limbs. Silky strap of her azure bathrobe slid down. Kylo kissed her shoulder, only shoulder in a desperate need for connection. Rey stroked his cheek and contoured his entire face with her hand. His skin felt damp and hot from the shower; she enjoyed that texture alone. She needed to feel that he was whole and he came back to her, unspoiled. They were on the floor, just sitting and doing nothing. He inhaled her fragrance, so fresh and very much Rey.

"What have you been up to while I was… gone?" he asked, devouring a rosemary pot roast. _Gone. Away. On a mission._ Euphemisms which meant: "I killed; I tortured, and I will do it again. "

Rey didn't let the fact get to her. She used to, first few weeks they went on like this. Not anymore; not in her current state, and not if she wanted to retain her sanity.

"I…" she edged the porcelain cup with her fingers. "I started a new garden." She said sheepishly.

 _What. the. Hell?_ I started a new garden? Smooth, Rey, real innocuous. She wanted to spit it out, but – how? Saying 'I love you' was still such a big deal for her; and now, she was to casually mutter life changing news to the man who had just returned from a killing spree?

She harbored a smidgen of fear of his reaction. After all, she knew not where he'd come from, what he had had to do.

"What about you?" She asked.

He cleared his throat and took a long swig of water, too long just to quench a thirst. Nothing much Rey, I tortured a Gungan family to death when Hux's troops found a stolen, disassembled X wings in their home; I had overseen a raid on a silent cell of resistance on Dathomir, I had pursued three defected stormtroopers who had stolen the plans to one of our star destroyers and mauled them to death, you know, the usual stuff.

"I was busy. That's all." He shrugged.

 _Tell him, tell him, now, Rey._

"How's the new droid?" Kylo asked, genuinely interested in their newest household addition.

"Good, good. Eli is sweet and very helpful, and she makes a mean herbal blend." Rey beamed.

Kylo screwed his face. "Sweet? She? It's a droid, not a child." _You motherfucker… you just can't help yourself._ Ch-word? Again? He crossed the utensils down awkwardly.

Rey's mouth parched like dunes on Jakku. Was he doing this on purpose, speaking of children in front of her? Suddenly, her hand shot down and she instinctively caressed her flat stomach. Did he notice? Did he know?

"It might be a droid, but it's still sentient. It has feelings, you know." She puffed.

"Yeah. If you say so. How do you know it's a girl?"

"Because she said so, duh. She knows what she is, doesn't she?"

Kylo sprawled on the chair, resting his elbow on the railings. "But how does a droid know? They don't have…"

"Impregnant and Iwanted totellyou." She bolted up from the chair and spluttered the first set of syllables that her brain sent to her mouth.

Kylo didn't have to be told twice to surge after her. "You're what?"

"I'm knocked up. I'm with child. I'm pregnant." She crossed her arms and the damn floodgates opened, again, in the least opportune moment.

They were facing each other, in front of a glass wall, playing out an ancient drama on a stage for the whole Coronet to see. Not a fiber of Kylo's being moved. He was gaping at her; staring at her belly – flat and lean just as the last time he had seen her naked.

Rey wiped her tears and tightened her arms in front of her stomach protectively. He was scowling at it so mean that she feared the baby would feel it.

Kylo pinched the bridge of his nose hard. He pinched and didn't let go for a good while; so when he finally dragged his palms across his face, his nose shone bright red. Rey couldn't look away from that weird spot.

"Are you absolutely, unequivocally positive?" The red spot moved and Rey pressed her lips into a thin line.

"Yes. I wouldn't drop this on you if I wasn't."

Oh, how nice it would be if her held her, now more than ever and let her feel his breath on her cheek. No, this Kylo from her fantasy didn't exist in real life; the one sulking in their living room started pacing and shuffling across the plush crème carpet. Rey sat on the arm of the sofa. He didn't start yelling or breaking stuff, which was a progress in itself.

"Well," she said sharply. "I see that the pillow talk from a week ago was just that – a talk. You can say it. Don't hold back. Say you're disappointed and that we messed up. Say that you don't want it and that you don't want me. I can handle it."

"I know you can handle it." He barked. "Don't start this now, Rey. Don't be melodramatic, it doesn't suit you."

 _Shit, fuck, damn it._ He chanted a string of curses in his head on a loop. Screw her pouting; this complicated everything. He was hunted. She wasn't, only because he smuggled her like cargo, because he erased travel logs and masked her and had her guarded day and night.

He was cautious when it came to what was his. But now – forget it. She became a target; a weakness that could be exploited; _his weakness_. He would rip the outer rim apart to protect what belonged to him, and now, there were _two_ weaknesses.

"Well – talk to me. Tell me what's in that head of yours. Or would you rather have me use the Force?" She jabbed.

He remained silent.

Rey twisted the hem of her nightgown into tight knot. "I'm going to bed. When you start behaving like an adult, join me. Or rather don't, not tonight." She sniffed and pranced to the bedroom.

Kylo didn't notice. He honestly didn't see the interior of an urban condo; but a heap of enemies flocking to him and torturing his family. _A fucking family_ – his; it was his responsibility to keep the kid safe. It was his responsibility not to drop it on its head when he would hold it.

Scratch that – he would never hold it. He Force opened the balcony and walked barefoot outside. Cold stone cooled him nicely, and gentle, night breeze signaled yet another storm on its way.

 _Han Solo_. He was so hard on his incompetent smuggler of a father, that he had never considered how difficult it must be to become one. He killed his father. _Shit_. Suddenly, he saw a little girl wielding his crossguard, playing with it and slashing left and right; and she would approach him and snicker and thrust it into his chest.

He might go down by the hand of his own child. He might have just created his biggest enemy.

Kylo's hands were making large circles in the air, spinning like two wings of a ZC5 class speeder; a little rusty thing Han used to fly him on Tatooine.

"Sir," muffled voice woke him up from his rupture. "Might I suggest to fetch miss this blend with a dab of-"

"Who the fuck are you talking to?" Kylo's sneer silenced the droid. "You're an equipment; a droid. "He surged at it. "You are not to address your masters, ever."

Eli began backpedaling on those silver struts and the tray jingled like bells. "Sir, I apologize for the intrusion, but miss does not mind my company, at all. In fact, she seeks it. She..she…" droid hit the wall with its back and it took all the restraint Kylo had to stop.

"Really? I am not your miss. What would she seek a pile of bolts for? What good are you for when you bring the tray to me, as if I was to serve her instead of you?"

Minutes – seconds separated his fist from hitting that useless, shiny pile of rubbish.

"Oh, sir. I assist her with a lot of things. " Eli moved its torso up and down, and the robotic hands rested bent in a sharp right angle. "She reads me holopads. And we plant together. She does not treat me like a droid, Sir. I have clearly forgotten my place." Eli hung its head in shame.

Kylo tapped his fingers on his thigh. "Fine. I'll take it."

Eli extended the tray at the sound of mechanic movement of its hands. "Thank you Sir, my intrusion will not repeat, Sir."

"It better not. Beat it now."

Kylo gently knocked on the bedroom door.

"Go away," tiny voice squeaked. "I told you I don't want to see you."

 _Oh, baby. You know you do._ "I'm coming in." He said out of respect and pressed the button to open the door.

Another inner monologue of expletives later, Kylo lay the tray down on the nightstand and sat next to her on bed. Rey was lying on her side, curled in fetal position. He saw her back, rising and falling, trembling; but no sob came out. She was choking on them.

"I'm an asshole."

Silence.

"I'm stupid."

Nothing.

Kylo disheveled his hair; then toyed with the creases of his pants on his raised knee.

Nasal voice answered. "Go on. I'm not gonna stop you. There's plenty more on the list you haven't said yet."

If she looked as bad as she sounded, he would congratulate himself on being an utter and complete failure of a human being. He gently spun her around. Her face looked as if a giant hornet stung her ten times in a row. Still, her skin was glowing when coated in a shimmering layer of her own tears; the ones he had caused. She sniveled into a little hankie.

"Aren't you supposed to be calm now? For the sake of the…" he patted her hair awkwardly, in a fatherly gesture. He better start practicing this.

"You're unbelievable. Of course I'm not supposed to cry myself to sleep because I have an ass for a… "

The words never came. What were they? A scavenger and a Jedi killer? A Knight of Ren and a Jedi wannabe? _A husband and wife?_ As if.

"I'm so sorry for the way I acted. " He leaned and pressed a long kiss on her forehead, "I really," he kissed her on her temple, "really am." He kissed her on the lips.

His skin was wiping the salty wetness from her beautiful face. She couldn't stay mad, not a chance when once again, the gentle soul in him begged for forgiveness. She opened her lips and he seized them; kissing her softly, without any of their usual passion. She even tasted different. He couldn't tell how – but something had changed.

"Everything's going to change, now Rey."

"I know."

"You have to be more careful."

"I will."

His thumb stroked the curve of her hip. "I mean it. When I say you can't go somewhere, I don't want you to go off on your own just because you're angry with me. You have the Force, smash a vase or argue, but you can't do these things like you used to."

"Is this it then? Final token that makes me jailed like on the _Finalizer_? Pity you didn't know it then, all you had to do was knock me up and I wouldn't have run away."

He didn't respond to her quips. "We have to think of a strategy if something happened to me." _When something happens to me._ Inevitable fall was inevitable.

All the happiness she felt dissipated. She understood him, but that didn't relieve her insane longing for normal way of life; something they would never have.

Kylo started thinking. "We must arrange so you have a safe place to go, where no one would be looking for you."

"Who knows about us, Kylo? Nobody." _Except Finn._ He wouldn't tell though, Rey would vouch for him with her life.

Kylo didn't listen; he _wouldn't_ listen when that curse ran in his bloodline. "There was a Jedi once, who fell in love despite the ban of the council. He lost everything. He thought nobody knew, but someone had. Besides, " he untangled the lace ribbon on her robe absentmindedly. "You're Force sensitive. That itself makes you an asset, a possession if the Order should get to you."

He struggled taking a breath, each new heavier than before. He never told her about Snoke's order to bring the scavenger to him for extraction. Kylo banned himself thinking about what would have happened, had she not escaped that torture rig. Fleeting moment of rare happiness was all a Skywalker could get from life. He wasn't even a full fledged Skywalker when his father's weak blood tainted his line.

That made him work twice as hard and arrest all emotions when he got his orders. He needed to prove that he could carry the legacy, even with the besmirched cesspool of a smuggler's blood.

"What made you see reason?" Rey blew her nose, putting a successful halt to the romantic atmosphere.

"That pile of screws and bolts you call 'she'."

"What – Eli?" Rey snorted. "She's my friend."

"Yeah. She certainly seems to think so." Kylo handed her forgotten cup. "You're supposed to drink this. Here."

How the mighty have fallen, he thought as he watched her sip on the tea. Grandson of Darth Vader, a legacy of the Force was discussing the rights of droids and comforting his pregnant…

What was she to him? A scavenger? A woman he cared for? A mother of his child? _His – wife?_ Yeah, sure. As if that ever happened.

"You're reading to the droid?" He spooned behind her, enveloping Rey in his arms. They were bigger than she remembered, and covered in bruises of various stages of healing. She traced her fingers on those green, blue, and yellow blotches; trying to wipe them away.

"Why not read to her? It's better than to sit here and stare at the blank wall all day." She started fiddling with his fingers.

"You talk to him?"

" _Her_ ; and yes, I do. She has an extensive collection of holos inside and an access to the holonet. I learn things; useful stuff I've never heard of."

He angled her and kissed her jaw, whispering into her mouth. "What are you learning?"

Butterflies were fluttering in her stomach when he kissed her like that; gingerly, and spoke in his smooth voice. He was there, holding her, giving her all she wanted since that diode on the computer beeped bright green and the healer said "Positive."

"I like history, learning about the old republic and the Sith Empire - how they came to be; about the fall of the Galactic Senate. Did you know there are holos about your family?"

Rey now turned and faced him; detecting a flicker of pain in his visage. "Interesting."

She rolled her eyes. "We both know what you really think, or rather I do, before you admit it. You'd rather I didn't stick my nose in it, wouldn't you?"

"Why? I happen to like your nose." He kissed her on it, huffing into her scrunched face. "It looks like a button on the com."

"Do you think it will have my nose?" Rey dared to ask. "The baby."

"Gods, I hope so. Can you imagine inheriting mine? It would be a fate worse than being a Skywalker."

She buried her head in his chest, laughing. _Thank the stars_. He blew the clouds away, and now she laughed again.

Kylo locked his palm on her, atop her stomach. "When will I see it?" She was a tiny thing and he couldn't picture Rey with a belly.

She whispered. "Healer said I'm six weeks along. Soon."

His mind failed to imagine all the times they had fucked, even though he desperately wanted to know when they conceived. Did he feel it? Was it during those romps where they argued and nearly fought before? Did it happen in one of those eternal nights, when he was inside her for hours, kissing her and moving as if he never wanted to come? Once he would have, he would have had to withdraw from her; and that was something he never wanted.

Kylo didn't ask.

If he knew, it might be a bad omen. Best imagine that they didn't mess up, but things actually went as the Force intended.

Kylo didn't believe in accidents. He was a maker of his own fortune. The fact that he fell for this feisty, inconsequential scavenger wasn't a coincidence either. He took her virginity in the healing ward on the star destroyer; not by force, but the line was pretty damn thin.

I meant to break you, he had told her. "Now, we'll both have reason to hate the mirror. Me, because I'm a monster. You, because you'll forever know I was the first."

He didn't mean it.

He just wanted to feel the sensation from the kiss on the Starkiller. He took her because his face hurt and she scarred him, and he would weep like a lost child into Leia's robes. But he was alone, devastated and broken. So, she would soothe him; the maker of his misfortune, the one who gave him the scar. He longed for her ever since he strapped her to that chair. He took her that first time, only because he still played the part of a monster; and a monster could take anything.

How could he fall for her? Why? Who was she?

Kylo bit his lip, massaging Rey's stomach with his palm. He would have to find out. Her line – she didn't know who dropped her off. It was up to him to look into it, now that she was bound to him through a new life.

It wasn't her past – it became _theirs_.

She wanted to know and he would find out for her. Only after weeks he had had her imprisoned, he saw that she wasn't so inconsequential. He never felt greater pleasure than inside her, with her. Her mind raced faster than many of the educated bureaucrats in the First Order he had to work with. She was powerful in the Force and the child – Rey's blood wouldn't pollute the lineage, quite the opposite.

It would dilute smuggler's Solo blood and flow with the Force, pure and magical; an offspring of Vader and a would be Jedi heroine.

Yes, they would be all right, he pondered as Rey's eyelids fluttered.

Kylo would protect her at all cost; and Rey – she would raise the child right for both of them. She read to the droid – _a fucking menial droid_. She treated it as a human being, she cared for it; and Kylo didn't doubt that come few more weeks, she would grow to love it as her own.

He would love the child just as much as he did Rey; but raising it right terrified him. Rey wouldn't fail, even if he would. They fell asleep, dreaming about droids who could read; big, crumbling empire, and a bunch of Skywalkers in it.


	19. Chapter 19

**Folie a deux**

* * *

Ten day passed in an uneventful rut. Kylo came and went and she asked no questions. And he liked it that way. But Rey noticed small, almost imperceptible changes in his demeanor.

"What is going on?" she addressed a rigid form towering in front of their spacedeck one night.

He was observing _Rixus albus_ ; a nascent constellation above the CorSec headquarters; three major stars twinkling on the horizon. She knew he didn't care for stars. Something was up.

"Kylo, is everything all right?" she dragged her palm up and down his arm. She felt him shivering through the thick robes.

"Hmm."

"What?"

"Nothing. Don't concern yourself with anything now." He mellowed his voice on purpose, to still the shiver and plaster an image of security over her eyes. Nights, he spent pacing and studying endless holos; always locked up in the furthest quarters of the apartment from the bedroom.

Days, she didn't see him; and when he finally arrived home, he vaulted himself again. Rey felt sick of being useless. She, who didn't know rest or had lived one labor free day on Jakku now felt like a waste of space. Her bump would be growing, but her mind stagnated.

She tried to snoop on her own when he wasn't there. Browse the chambers; watch the holonews and look inside his clothes was all she could do to quench her curiosity. Still, nothing appeared to be out of order.

"After the annihilation of the treacherous, oppressive Hosnian government, newly forming galactic senate granted three hundred seats to the Centrists, a new faction of political opponents to the Populists. The Populists branded themselves 'free of affiliation' and demand autonomy in the outer reaches of the galaxy, where the First Order currently seized yet another star system. Centrists regard the Populist branch as an insurgent cell that-"

Rey turned the holonews off.

She got up and walked the apartment in circles, digging her bare feet into the plush carpet. "Nothing, my ass." She muttered.

Kylo was mixed up in this, she knew it. The political situation in the outer rim resembled a compressed centrifuge, ready to burst any minute. Factions and oppositions had sprung from the remnants of the Empire long time ago, but only with the support of the First Order did they acquire the voice in the new senate.

Rey tapped her fingers on the glass wall. The very view sickened her to the core. She went mad, looking at the same vertical lines of spacecraft; the ships coming and going, but never ceasing to fly. She had a bitter taste in her mouth whenever she heard another cannonade of those annoying holoads from the bazaar. The booming voice of advertisers never ebbed; it shilled the products, the ships, the expensive spices of Corellia, and their trademark brandy.

Rey loved silence.

On Jakku, only her scratches kept her mornings company. On Jakku, the wind blew and sand dunes never changed. On Jakku, she was free, even if she hadn't realized it. Unkar Plutt never locked her up. He never ordered her where to salvage, or what ships were off limit.

She missed the days when she had mounted her airspeeder, curled the shawl around her head like a nomad; and explored. Rey started crying. She would never feel the sensation of leaping from the hull of a crashed star destroyer. She would never earn her portion, a food so measly and insubstantial that her stomach grumbled again before she finished licking the plate.

She would stand in front of that transparent cage, high in the sky and cry for what had been lost forever. She lost her freedom; the little bird who used to fly under the sizzling sun. She patted her stomach to remind herself who she was doing this for.

She used to be so strong, so resilient. Nothing could break her; not hunger, not the heat and not the solitude. Now, she was broken in plenty. Now, she woke up and enjoyed her bounties from behind the glass wall.

The droid chimed in, trying to soothe her with tales and food. "I was bought and sold many times, miss, but I have to say, you are by far my most favorite mistress."

Rey managed a weak smile, that one lopsided grin showing appreciation behind the sentiment. She thanked Eli and retreated to bed; the only place where she would not think, not worry and not be; at least for a little while.

The covers fell heavy on her shivering body; and she breathed in Kylo's lingering scent. The pillows buried her in safe arms, when his weren't there.

 _Tic toc_. _Tic toc_.

She came to hate the holoclock, tossing and turning till her eyelids turned to lead and she fell asleep. Dreams plagued her, insane, fantastic dreams; too real to doubt. Her unborn child led her by hand in a night garden full of fireflies.

The garden path coiled down to the pond with lotus flowers and the summer air smelled like a stale ball of hay, sweet, with a promise of rain. The child never turned, but Rey knew it was hers, _theirs_. She saw only the back of its head full of curly black hair; its pudgy legs were wobbling down to the path, further down to the pond, dragging its mother along.

 _It_.

The child.

It was neither boy nor a girl, dressed in a onesie of unidentified color; and Rey gladly followed.

The dreams came and never went away.

The pond looked nice and cold at first, as Rey spread her palm on the surface; caressing the water. It was a lie of lies. Deceptive child wanted the lotus flower. It leaned down, and Rey saw its reflection in the water; once clear, suddenly turning murky.

Tendrils arose from the bottom and snatched the child down into the pit. Rey couldn't scream or see, the only thing she remembered was the head of black hair slowly disappearing under the shimmering surface. When the water closed, she woke up.

Every night she fought another variant of the same dream. "Premonition," she tossed the blankets away, running to the balcony, her long, empire, muslin gown billowing in the wind. "I can't breathe. I can't breathe." She enveloped her pale neck with both palms; twisting it till she felt her pulse.

 _"_ _CorSec incorporated – invest today and double your credits. No more wayfaring spacefaring."_

"NO! Enough!" she pressed her ears hard. "I can't stand this, not another neon sign, not another ship, not another night of this...alone, afraid."

The air smelled different. Gusts of wind were flowing around the spacedeck. Rey had to dig her heel in the ground to stand still and keep balance.

"What is happening?" she brushed her forehead, now damp; covered in cold sweat on a burning skin. "Eli!" she waddled barefoot inside, behind the glass wall, away from the wind. "Eli, where are you?"

"Miss," the droid strutted towards her. "The holonews announced an attack on the rebel base on planet D'Qar. There are no details yet, but half the planet has detonated, and the resistance base with it. If you care to watch, I can play the transmission."

Rey grappled air behind her. She wanted to feel a wall, a sofa, anything that would support her. She saw black spots, then white flickering dots. Her blood hit her ears like water on the reef. She felt a white hot wire being dragged up her neck, setting itself in her temples. She almost fainted, but lucky for her, Eli led her to the chasse.

"Attack… on the resistance… half the planet decimated…"

 _Kylo._

Did she loose him? Was he there? Did he die? Did he kill his mother and then died? She couldn't catch a breath. Her head shot down between her knees, and she was rattling like a maniac, inhale - exhale, loud and panicked.

This state of hypervigilance fatigued her. She wanted to contact Kylo – but how? She needed to hear his voice, see his face. She would wait for him till the dawn, day and night, and then the next one, until he would return. But she couldn't keep her eyes up, she was tired and beaten.

So, she slept, scolded by the little imp leading her to the pond with lotus flowers.

"Wake up. Rey, get up." A familiar mass pressed into her.

"Gods... thank the stars!" she darted up and wound her arms around Kylo's neck. "I thought you were dead," she whispered into his hair."I though you left me all alone."

He pushed her away. "Get up. You need to go, now. Hurry up. Throw something warm on and follow me. Take the lightsaber, come on."

When she gazed into his face, she saw war. His ghostly visage was marred in blood. The scar she had given him opened anew. It was split, and she saw tendons moving. Where blood hadn't dried yet, it flew, gushing in two very precise rivulets down his throat. Red tributaries intersected at his neck, where they ended in a sticky, rusty looking pool.

He was hurt.

It was bad.

But he was there and she leapt out of bed and started packing.

He jerked her arm. "We don't have time for this. You gotta come with me, now. Hurry up."

She blinked. Her dazzled mind saw the blood smear he left on her muslin dress. "What happened? Where are you taking me?"

He looked into her eyes as if his life depended on it, because it did. "Rey, it's bad. They'll be taking you to safety. It's safer there and… come on. I won't tell you twice." He seized her hand and dragged her across the apartment, to the spacedeck. The droid was shuffling behind them, lagging and throwing its arms in the air.

Rey flew behind Kylo like a rag doll, crying silent tears, afraid of what was coming. How come she mourned Jakku that very morning; and now, she mourned this apartment? She mourned the safety of it. The routine she had grown to hate now seemed like paradise.

"Who's taking me? Who are they? You're coming with me, right? Kylo!" she stopped on the patio, hundred yards from the ramp where a shuttle awaited her. "You're not leaving me behind, right? Tell me."

He watched her as a botanist regarded a dying orchid, a rare flower blooming only once in a decade. He needed to sear every detail of her into his memory. The shape of her almond eyes, the curve of her lips, the tone of her voice. No particle of her, no matter how infinitesimal, must be forgotten.

"I can't. Not now, but I'll follow later."

"When?"

"As soon as I can."

"You mean when you're dead or captured or…"

"Rey-"

"No! What good are you to me dead? Tell me where am I going? Why can't you leave with me? What happened? " her little fists curled, she was heaving up and down and he let her. He would remember all of her – even her pout and love disguised as rage.

Loud buzzing cut the sky. They both glanced up. Dense sky traffic was a constant in Coronet, but only one type of spacecraft emitted this peculiar buzzing sound, that of a pestilent gnat.

"X wings…" Rey's mouth hung open. "These are resistance ships. What is happening?"

Kylo spat out residual blood; that iron coating which had settled on his tongue hours ago and wouldn't leave. "They're retaliating. Fuck, damn it… come on."

He resumed dragging her behind him, hauling her feet to move towards the black shuttle.

"Retaliating for what? Retaliating for what, Kylo?" she was screaming, trying to free her arm from his grasp. "What did you do? Answer me, you bastard!"

"What needed to be done." He barked. "Don't you dare raise your voice at me. I'm saving your neck and the child's. The least you can do is to obey." He peeked at her screwed face from behind his shoulder.

The closer they got to the shuttle, the more her anger dissipated. She wasn't angry – she lashed out because she was mad, dying with worry. He was here, and suddenly, he wanted her to leave and he would vanish stars knew where. They failed to be the parents even before the baby was born. The father was on the verge of collapse and the mother would most likely be dead in hours to come.

He was injured. She might be dead come the morning, because the resistance might shoot her shuttle down while trying to cross the atmosphere.

Kylo stopped in front of the lowered hydraulic trap door. Rey's eyes widened. He would have her fly in his personal shuttle?

He spun her around; both hands clutched her hips. He locked her in a cage of his body, and lowered his head, pressing their foreheads together. He didn't give a fuck about three stormtropers overhearing everything. He would kill them later, if need be.

"This is for your own safety." He cut words in half and spoke in a hurry. "These three are to be trusted, they're personally chosen by me. You will go to a safehouse in a far star system. No one can find the coordinates, they're already pre-programmed in the ship's main computer. Once the shuttle lands, it will self destruct the routes. I will come as soon as I can. I swear." He raised her chin. "Rey – look at me."

She did. This felt worse than her nightmares, worse than toiling on Jakku. She was losing him, perhaps forever. His compassionate eyes bore into hers, and his bloody face didn't scare her. She loved it even more.

"I swear, all right? I fucking swear I'll find you. I'll come back for you as soon as I can. It can be days, weeks, but I'll make it."

Rey let out a hitched moan. She threw herself at him and he caught her, patting the back of her head. Kylo closed his eyes, savoring the feeling of her body on his.

"I know. I believe you. And if you die, you'll rip the Force apart and come back anyway, right?" she sobbed.

He smiled, the kind of a sad smile people give when they say "it's for the greater good;" then do something that tears their hearts out. "You know I will rip the Force apart. Stay safe. Don't risk, and whatever you do, don't panic. If you're captured, don't resist. Don't play a fucking hero, all right?" He cupped her cheek and kissed her forehead, afraid he would bloody her. He had sullied her enough for one lifetime.

Rey seized his hands and kissed him, taking his full lips between hers, tasting his blood, his tears, and dried up soot on the skin of a knight of Ren.

"I won't play a hero. I know – the baby."

He gulped, barely keeping it together. He hadn't forgotten who he was sending off; not one soul, but two.

She boarded the shuttle and his eyes never left her back. Rey rushed to the window and watched him getting smaller and smaller. She whimpered again. Who would have thought that Kylo Ren could look small from any angle or distance? That tall mass loomed over her whether they lied in bed, or argued on their feet.

Now, he was but a speck in the distance, looking at her. She pressed her palm against the window. It left a bloody imprint. He had indeed marked her.

Rey grabbed the armrests as the shuttle flew above the city skyline. She was left alone, once again, abandoned by her family – because Kylo had become her family.

"I have you. It's all going to be good." She patted her stomach.

Only now she truly felt moved… she felt something towards that little thing growing inside her for the first time, ever. It stopped being a nuisance. It became her only sure thing in life. Kylo was still separate from her. He could be killed, gone in a heartbeat. But this baby was hers, for another eight months and she would never be alone, until it was born.

"All right. It's going to be all right." She repeated in a shaky voice.

It wasn't all right.

X wings were multiplying in the air; green laser threads were cutting the sky. Soon, an entire squadron of modified TIE fighters pushed back, and the battle in heavens ensued.

"We can't jump to hyperdrive." Stormtrooper shouted from the cockpit.

Rey rushed in. "Why? What's the problem?"

"No offence, miss. Stay back and let us handle this." He grabbed her and began ushering her away.

Rey jerked back. "Don't touch me. I happen to be a darn good pilot, so let me take a look."

The shuttle trembled, and Rey and troopers had to grab the wall to stay afoot. What the hell? She felt like inside of a hollow, metal barrel into which kids shot pellets. It was buzzing and contorting like a large metal plate.

"Hit…"Rey said panicked. "We've been hit! Gods…oh gods…" She leaned on the pilot's chair. Her eyes started scanning the damage maniacally.

"Termonavigator, hyperspace vindicator, motivator…" she recited all things possible that could have been damaged.

"Buckle your seatbelt, we're going down." The piloting trooper began turning switches and levers all around the console. It was beeping, smoke rising from the crannies in between the dashboard panels.

"Ouch!" Rey bent over, feeling a strange stab in her abdomen. "No, no, no, no." she sat down, ignoring the jabbing pain. Her adrenaline level skyrocketed and her fear took over. She still didn't take no for an answer, and shoved the trooper away.

She screamed over the buzzing and beeping. "If there's someone among the four of us who will land this shuttle, it's me. The motivator…it's gone. We're going down and we can't raise the wings. We're crashing full speed. Hold onto something and don't let go."

They weren't falling.

The shuttle was spearing its way through the skies like a dagger thrown from a great distance. They fell low enough to fly into the city and passed the buildings, stalls, neon ads; all amidst another battle of X wings and TIE fighters in the background.

They crashed into a solid wall. Rey was nearly thrown from the pilot's seat; but lucky for her, one of the stormtroopers jumped to her help. He embraced the seat and entombed Rey in, so she didn't fall down.

"Is anyone hurt?" She asked when she could catch a breath.

"No. We're good. But we have to get out of here, fast. We have orders to get you out of Corellia, but the hyperdrive routes are gone now." One trooper said.

The other one queried right after him. "What the hell are we supposed to do now? We have orders. You know what he'll do to us if we don't follow through. Where are we going to fly her now?"

Rey shot up from the pilot's seat. "Take down your helmets. I have no idea who you are or who I'm talking to. We're going back to the apartment. It can't be worse than it is here. And…" she turned to the one soldier who shielded her. "Thanks for the help. I underestimated the impact zone. If you didn't…well. Thanks."

They put down their masks, one by one. Their faces were ordinary, nothing unusual. The one who helped her was a man in his prime with olive skin, short, dark brown hair and blue eyes. He had a long, narrow nose and square jaw. His face looked kind, but stern as on duty. He gave her the tiniest of smiles, just a ghostly hint of it, and they all exited the shuttle.

Coronet resembled a war zone. Rey had never seen such a big city under siege, and the sight was devastating. The resistance and the Order were still fighting, but not only in the sky. Sound of blasters hit Rey's ears not too far away from where they crashed.

The brown haired man grabbed her hand and they began plowing through the streets. Only now Rey saw that Kylo had her live in the lucrative part of Coronet. The city was a dump. They were running through the dirty pavements, dark alleys with a foul smoke rising from the canals.

People around them were either shouting in panic, or running to hide as well. Rey stopped and hit the back of her soldier, when they all shouted halt. An explosion went off, directly in the middle of the avenue they were on.

Blonde stormtrooper screamed. "This isn't going anywhere. We'll be dead before we cross the Blue Sector."

 _Blue Sector_ – she remembered Kylo describing it to her; the worst part of the city where only scum congregated and Selonian pirates would slash their throat for credits. Her heart began racing at the speed of light. She trusted that brown haired man, even if she didn't know why.

The quartet all squatted behind a dumpster to wait for the opportune moment to go ahead. She squeezed his hand. "I have to get to safety. I just have to. I'm… I'm with child. If I'm hit or something happens, it's not something I can recover from. I'm… Rey, by the way."

"LM-2267." He said, his blue eyes shining in the dark.

"You're the…" Rey gasped.

"I am. I'm the man whose life you saved when that…when _he_ almost tossed me over the balcony. You begged for me and he spared me. I owe you a life debt and I intend to pay it." He eyed her stomach automatically. "We'll get out of here, you have my word."

Rey squeezed his hand again, so firmly that her nails scraped his skin.

"On three we run." The third, bald trooper signaled. "One, two….three!"

…

They didn't get far. Once the bald one got hit in the shoulder, they decided to barricade themselves inside the lobby of one of the skyscrapers and wither the storm.

Rey was sitting on the floor behind the receptionist's desk, listening to the dull echoes; detonations and screams. This wasn't just a skirmish with the resistance.

"They're retaliating." Kylo had said. _For what?_ To unleash such an apocalypse, the Order must have done something heinous beyond repair.

Suddenly, the glass wall broke. Rey peeked from under her hiding spot. Five men in colorful armor ran inside spotting the three stormtroopers quickly.

"Who are you? Identify yourselves!" One of the resistance fighters aimed his blaster at them.

"We're citizens of Coronet. We're hiding until the attack is over."

"Really," the man scoffed and the blaster's safety clicked. "I think you're not a citizen. I've seen men standing like that, military men. Men ready to salute."

Rey bit the side of her palm. She didn't hear everything, but she heard the words: "White…armor…stormtroopers."

And then, shots.

She bit her palm so hard, she drew blood. The resistance shot them one by one, as if they didn't matter, as if these three men did something wrong just because they were wearing white armor.

LM-2267…was gone.

"Well, well, we have another here." Man in dark green full body armor yanked Rey by her hair.

"Let me go! Don't you dare; what did you do? You killed those men, you swine!"

"You were with them? You with the Order, bitch?"

Rey tapped into the Force. At that moment, she would have embraced the dark side and love it as a ray of light. Men went flying in all directions, dispersed as ink blotches hitting the wall.

She thrust her arm in the air, called her lightsaber and ignited it. Forest green glow shone on shell shocked fighters, scrambling to their feet. Rey twirled the blade provocatively, as she had seen Kylo do many times.

She spun it and savored each cracking sound the lightsaber made. "Who shot them? Who killed them, huh? He'll go first."

They were wearing helmets, so she didn't see their faces. She felt them, though, in the Force. "You reek of fear. I can feel your darkest fears. I can see your panic. You were so brave just five minutes ago shooting unarmed men. Now, fight one armed woman."

One of them dared to attack her. Rey swayed the blade high in the air and cut into his shoulder.

She was fighting whoever came in her way, slashing rabidly, not trying to see reason. Her entire body was roaring from within. _Kill them all. Kill them, it's justice, not revenge. You can do it, let the dark side guide you._

It was Kylo's voice – or rather its modulated version, darker and hoarse. Rey looked around her, spinning around slowly. Two were lying on the floor. The remaining three were all aiming their blasters at her, but not shooting.

"You… killed two of our men."

"And you killed three of my friends." She spat, baring her teeth in rage.

"That weapon – we've seen one just like it. Come on, we're taking you with us. The old man will want to take a look at you."

Rey hung her head, hyperventilating. She _killed_ two men. She took a life, while one was growing inside her. Her eyes circled the lobby. She could easily kill these three as well; protect herself and her child. She tucked the lightsaber into her belt.

"No more bloodshed. I need a ship, preferably fast one and get out of this planet. If you get me to one, I'll let you live."

"If you behave and won't cut us to pieces, ay, we can get you a ship. Come with us."

…

The blindfold fell off. Rey blinked, adjusting her eyesight to the light again. This wasn't Coronet anymore. It looked more like a country retreat, though she still discerned a vague outline of the city in the far distance.

She seized her lightsaber and didn't let go. She was alone, in a hovercraft, a rectangular metal heap which flew only meters above the ground. It wasn't fancy or nice, it rumbled and creaked; but they got her outside of the city.

They landed in a derelict compound, but a concrete block with flat roof. Weeds ate half of it, growing wild and high. She was led to the second floor of that dilapidated building. It had holes instead of windows, concrete shards instead of proper floor.

One man took down his mask. Rey didn't care for his face. She couldn't describe it, not tonight, not when she saw so many faces die. Why would she remember it? What was the point? So, she drew a blank template over his face and addressed his chest.

"Take me to the ship, now."

"All in good time. We've called our squadron leader to take a look at you. You're one rare specimen, girl. We're pilots, you know. We crashed near your building and sought shelter inside."

"Why?" she sighed accusatorily. "Why did you have to kill them? They haven't done anything to you. They saved my life, protected me."

"They did everything to us."He snarled. "They wore those filthy uniforms. They are the reason we are waging this war in the first place. You miss look like you haven't been vacationing on D'Qar recently. Let me tell you; I've never seen greater horror. The Order used some sorcery on this, not another weapon. The planet blew up, but not a clean blow, oh no. Half of it stayed put, with the earth's core pouring magma all over the surface. Millions died instantly, and who didn't, wished they were dead. We almost lost our General…we still might."

 _"_ _Leia_ …general Organa," Rey cried out. "Gods!"

Just as shocked soldier was about to ask how come Rey knew her, door burst open. Rey couldn't believe her eyes. She wiped them, just to see if the Force was playing tricks on her.

"Poe!" she trembled in relief that he was there. Of course – he must have been their captain, the first pilot of the squadron.

"Holy shit, Rey!" He ordered the other man with blank face to leave. "I'm…how even…"

Rey had never met him. She recognized him…through the Force. A name popped into her mind out of the blue, and she knew he was a good guy; the one who had already proved his worth via helping Finn.

Poe Dameron had never met the girl he had been searching for. Finn and Chewie organized many raids and search parties to find this "Rey," who vanished on Starkiller base after fighting Kylo Ren. Now, she was standing in front of him. Her hair was a tangled mess; her skin dirty and glistening red and brown. She was wearing a nightgown fastened with a silky ribbon under her breasts, covered in blood. Behind her belt rested a lightsaber; and in her eyes shone terror.

He didn't care that he had never met her. He jumped towards her and took her in his arms. "I'm here. It's all right. Are you hurt? What happened? How come you're here? My men told me you've been captured in the city, during the siege."

Rey realized how little control she had over her shaking body only when she fell into Poe's embrace. She leaned into him, crying for the worst night of her life, for Kylo and his mother, for the three dead stormtroopers.

"It's all right, shhh. You're safe now. No one will harm you here, you are among friends." Poe seated her on a creaky chair.

"What did Finn tell you?" She wiped her face.

"About what? You?" Poe squatted next to her.

"Yeah."

"Nothing. I mean he wouldn't stop talking about you. I feel like I know you already, but he didn't say anything… why? What do you mean?"

"Nothing." Rey gave him a weak smile. So, Finn had kept his word and didn't betray her relationship with Kylo. Rey felt proud to call him friend. She knew she didn't have to doubt him."I have escaped the First Order," she lied. "I… they held me in Coronet and I managed to escape during the raid, and I stumbled upon your men. They killed my, " Rey swallowed a sob. "My captors, three stormtroopers and brought me here."

Poe seemed to believe her. His dark eyes twinkled. He took her palm in his. "My squadron is staying here tonight. Tomorrow, we move to another location. You can sleep here and I'll take you with me. I'll fly you myself." He showed her a bright smile, too cocky but in a good way. "I heard you're an ace in any ship. We can measure who's the best."

Rey chuckled as he winked at her, like a man hitting on a woman, or rather a good friend trying to diffuse the tension.

"Poe," Rey called as he was leaving to get her settled. "What about general Organa?"

"She's been seriously injured. We thought we lost her, but she's been evacuated to another base. We received latest transmission two hours ago, but apparently she's still alive, but unconscious and …" he massaged the back of his neck. "It's pretty bad. I'm not gonna lie. But you just get some rest, all right? Don't think about it tonight."

A small chamber had been provided for Rey, with a hard bed with moldy mattress. She lied down, unable to … _be_. Her being hurt, deeply. Her mind hurt because she kept thinking about all that had transpired. Her heart hurt because she had pictured Kylo's bloody face, over and over again. Her body hurt, because she had strained herself so much, that she didn't dare to look down between her legs.

She was bathed in blood, dried and dark red. Some of it might have been hers – and if that was the case, she had lost the baby. She decided to be a coward and not look. She shut her eyes hard, her eyelids rippled, releasing another set of tears.

This morning, she complained about the glass cage.

Tonight, she was sleeping in a frugal cell on a moldy mattress, beaten to a pulp, mentally exhausted, hungry and maybe all alone. She curled into fetal position. "Goodnight, baby. I know you made it. I'm going to sleep now, so don't forget to show up in my dream. Please, please," she murmured till she fell asleep, hoping for the unborn part of her to keep her company.

* * *

 **A/N This was obviously Rey's POV. Kylo's is coming next chapter. About this chapter – what can I say? It was so easy to forget they were on the opposite side of the war when they lied in bed, making love, living in their safe bubble. Every bubble must burst, though. Now, the war came hunting them again. What the hell is happening next? Uff.**

 **P.S this is directly on point with the latest spoilers for epi VIII, they're saying that Order will decimate resistance base and Leia will suffer terrible life threatening injuries, and Poe will have a scene with his pilots discussing that. So, I tried to keep it along the story. :)**


	20. Chapter 20

**Miserere**

* * *

Kylo and Rey were marooned in a freezing, tall, rock foundation. There was no heat or light, save dim flames of fire he had maintained. So, his rescue didn't go as planned. _I tried, damn it._ He peeked at her from under his dark eyelashes. He immediately dropped the gaze. _Fuck me_. The look in her eyes was that of hatred. He didn't care. She was watching his every move, challenging him to address her; to explain.

He did not.

She squeezed her stomach hard and shifted on purpose so he would look.

He would not.

Two white streams left her nostrils as she breathed out the mist; the ice shimmered and he couldn't take it anymore. Even the sound of her deep breaths was accusing him of all.

"I will not hear it, not tonight."

"There is nothing to hear." She shrugged.

"I mean it. I won't have it. I know you're expecting apologies and…"

"I'm not expecting anything from you. Not after what you did."

"What _I_ did?" His voice sounded nasal, harsh, and only the flames cast any warmth between the lovers. "You will not take it from me. It's not only yours, it's mine." Kylo threw another log on fire. It cracked. Little jots of ash and charred wood jumped in the air.

"Yours? Mine? What happened to _ours_?"

"Go to sleep."

"No. I will be awake and you will have to look me in the eye, sooner or later. I don't care if it's tonight or tomorrow. You will answer for what you did."

"What – rescued you from the resistance?"

"Some rescue." Rey pouted. "Resistance ship was a palace compared to this stupid, rock fortress."

Kylo crossed his arms defiantly. "Hmm, well they are coming for us, so how about you shut up and stay warm."

He heard her teeth chatter; stretched his arm towards her, but she dodged him, as if he were a leper. She was shivering, but wouldn't let him near her for warmth. Rey snorted. "Sure. Every pal in the First Order is coming to get you. Oh wait – you'd have to have some for that, droid murderer."

"Droid murderer?" He grimaced, unhooking his lightsaber and tossing it away, just in case. He didn't trust himself, not while she was bitching and moaning and there was so much nice, sharp stone to be massacred around them. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? Wait – is this about that useless she-droid?"

"Eli!" Rey yelled into his face. "And you killed her!"

"I shouldn't have told you. Here I was thinking that confessing is what you wanted, huh?" He mimicked her high voice, shouting. "'Tell the truth, Kylo. Let's be honest with each other, Kylo.' What happened to that, huh?"

She stuck her chin up and faced the opposite way. Nothing pissed him off more than silent treatment. "You're a big, fat hypocrite, you know?" He said.

Rey's head snapped in a nanosecond. "You think I'm fat?"

"Wha- no, that's… figure of uhm, speech." _Play it cool, Kylo._ He would laugh at the most beautiful creature in the galaxy thinking she was fat. Must be the pregnancy hormones. How the heck did their conversation end up here?

She fiddled with her dress, the same nightgown she had been wearing for five days. It felt sticky and disgusting and Rey hated it. "I'm not talking to you, droid murderer."

He couldn't believe his eyes and ears. This must have been the stupidest fight in the entire history of stupid fights. "I can get you a hundred new droids."

"But they're not Eli. Besides, if they're as reliable as your Starkiller base - no thanks."

"Don't –" his leather gloves crinkled. Kylo blinked, and then, took them off and forced them onto her little fingers.

"Stop it! I don't want them!" She struggled and placed her hand against his cheek, slapping him off. "I don't want you bloody gloves!"

"Don't fret! Fuck, hold still." He wouldn't budge. "You won't freeze out of spite. You will wear them, period."

"Take them off," Rey aimed for the big guns – she kicked him below the waist. Lucky for him, her legs were too short to injure the Skywalker family jewels. She got him in the thigh, though.

"Arrgh!" He swung her legs on one side, locking them under his arms. "I should have left you fight, just like that, huh. I should have left you taste what it is to be a warrior, right. This," he pointed at his gash. "This is what you earn on the battlefield. You will shut the fuck up and sleep, or I'll make you." He grabbed her shoulder and lowered her down onto the ground, as gently as his temper permitted.

Rey was so shocked, she protested only when planked on the floor. "You touch me again and I swear you'll regret it." She sat up.

Kylo chortled. "Yes, I'm so afraid."

"You should be." Rey barked. "Don't provoke me if you want to ever use your _lightsaber_ again. I have plenty of kicks up my sleeve."

Kylo gulped, instinctively crossing his hands on his lap. Somehow, threatening his manhood didn't seem funny; at least while she kept tapping her feet on the frozen rock.

He eyed the small mound of her stomach under her dress. This was not about her. "You made me do this. Sweet dreams." He raised his hand.

"No! I don't wanna! If you…"

He put her to sleep before she finished her thought and gently caught her in the air. Now, that she didn't argue and hated him, he could look into her face. Now, that the crow's feet around her eyes smoothed and her pink lips settled in the sweetest pout, he could caress her cheek and bring her closer to his chest. He closed his eyes, inhaling her scent.

"Forgive me, babe." He rocked her in his arms, back and forth, smoothing her hair and kissing her temples.

Now, that she couldn't give it, he asked for forgiveness. "It is all for greater good," he murmured as his strong arms enveloped limp Rey to keep her warm.

…

 _Three days ago_

The siege of Coronet was in full swing. Kylo had felt her in the Force even before anyone informed him that the shuttle didn't make it out. He spun his lightsaber in the heat of battle and felt her rage. It washed over him like a thousand prickly seashells on the shore.

 _"_ _You killed three unarmed men. Now, fight one armed woman."_

She screamed. She fought. He saw flickering visions of a doll in nice white dress, soiled in blood. He barely ducked when a vibroblade attacked him from behind. Kylo groaned in his mask and speared the cheeky bastard who _dared_ to go at him. She was fighting…she was angry. He stood tall and proud on the battlefield. His crossguard was spewing fire, his robes flying in the air and he closed his eyes, sending her energy.

 _"_ Kill them, kill them all. They deserve it. You can do it."

She needed to feel the power of the dark side, the next best thing that would protect her when Kylo couldn't. He had decimated D'Qar. He would decimate the resistance on Corellia and then, he would find her.

"What do you mean you lost the contact with the shuttle?" A stormtrooper flew into his open palm. "Where is it?"

"Sir," he croaked as Kylo twisted his neck."We have no way of knowing. The latest log data indicate it has crashed in Coronet."

And he found it.

He was standing next to the wreck, a tossed out can of bent, smoking metal. She wasn't there. Her _body_ wasn't there; so Kylo sighed in relief. She would fight and the stormtroopers would protect her.

The droid clambered from the cockpit. "Oh, Sir. Goodness gracious, how good to see you. I have to report that the miss is not here. I was left behin-"

Kylo slashed the droid in half; roaring in an elegant spin where his lightsaber cut its torso. He fucking hated that droid; finally, it shut up.

The Force guided him. Their bond guided him. Stormtroopers in his personal phalanx thanked the regulations for their helmets. They couldn't bear to look at their master. His hands trembled and only blood stilled them. _Where are you? Let me see you._ He took a deep breath and caught Rey's frequency.

"The compound beyond the city. Here are the coordinates." Masked beast rasped and they flew there. She must be inside the resistance hive; he was shaking as the ship neared the place. Yes, she was safe. They had captured her; and she was smart enough to lie and wither the storm till he'd come for her.

If his soldiers feared the writhe in black on the way there, once they landed; it compared nothing to what followed.

Fear turned to panic.

Kylo stomped around the abandoned building. Nothing was sacred; nothing was spared from the wrath of his lightsaber. "No, no, no!" he started slashing and hacking matter as a living being. Shards of rock were jumping off the fire; the compound began trembling as if the earthquake hit it. No force of nature could move the ground because one, sad beast didn't find what he was looking for. It was him, making the earth bleed and tremor. The Force coursed through Kylo's veins; the attack on the inanimate was but a release of his woes.

 _Where the fuck are you, Rey?_

Her voices and sighs mingled inside his head; she never felt more real than when she wasn't with him. Kylo fell to his knees. He heard another voice in his head; a summon. _Snoke._ His master had been calling to him all day; but he could pin his ignorance on the battle. Who could answer in the middle of a bloodbath?

But the carnage was over and the Order piled the bodies, burning them in pyres, as was the custom. They subdued Coronet. Kylo Ren had won the city back, and with it, the entire rebellious planet. Now, instead of banners, bodies would be hanging in the air above the skyscrapers; the sign of power.

You dare to go against the First Order? You will burn.

You dare to oppose and cavort with the resistance? The resistance will burn. Your children will die and the Knight of Ren will wield the weapon which slays them.

"Sir, where to?"

Kylo got up and hooked his lightsaber. "Chiss. I have to report to my Master. We're flying home to the stronghold."

And so they did.

The bastion of the First Order; Chiss Ascendancy, was a cold star system in even colder reaches of the galaxy. Nothing lay beyond. No stars formed where night eternal reigned. The Order rose in darkness of that night, hidden under the noses of the Republic where his _mother_ presided over billions. Leia the politician, never the mother, had taught her son all there was to know about the politics. Her son then used it well. The knowledge given to Ben Solo was abused by Kylo Ren.

"This is where we need to strike," he said, "strike while no one is looking."

Supreme Leader listened to his advice, like a father should have. Han Solo and Leia Organa; the pair who formed Kylo Ren, were now slaughtered by his hand. He didn't know whether his mother survived the attack on D'Qar. He didn't care. The only thing he cared about was Rey and his child.

Kylo didn't go to report to Snoke. He went to be punished. He was kneeling on the hard floor. He didn't feel the texture of it. He didn't even see it. His kneecaps might have given up; he didn't feel those either.

His face was burning, the scar started to crack and dry up. He curled his fists inside, trying to move a little, get his blood pumping. The place was chilly, though he didn't feel it creeping under his fingernails anymore. Now, he felt nothing.

The floor splintered under the permafrost; the light was dim and coming only from the one round window hewn high up the rock wall.

 _Chiss_ they called it; a planet which wasn't a planet, but an ice whirlpool of gas; barren rock and ice keeping it together. He exhaled loudly. The tip of his nose shivered in an unexpected influx of warmth; but the sensation petered out as quickly as it came.

The booming voice spoke; finally. "What am I to make of all this, Master of the Knights of Ren?"

Kylo didn't explain, not yet. He would speak only when in pain. That was how Supreme Leader liked it.

"I took back Corellia for you, Master. Just as you ordered." He laid down a banner streaked with blood.

"I see great turmoil in your mind. Your weakness is revealed to me. You though you could shield it from me?" Snoke's voice coordinated Kylo's heartbeat. He didn't feel a thing, but at the same time, he felt every sensation known to man at once.

"The scavenger is your lover."

"No, Supreme Leader. I meant to extract information about the resistance. I would teach her and corrupt her."

"You took an apprentice without my permission, then."

A jolt of electricity erupted inside his skull. It felt like trepanation; as if a large wedge had been pushed deep inside his brain. Snoke raised his hand, twisting and turning and Kylo's vision left him together with his sanity. Only after a while he could hear himself scream. The voice didn't sound hollow, but a raw plea for mercy.

"She…" he rested the weight of his torso on his curled fists. "She means nothing to me. I mean to kill her, soon."

"And for that, you need my consent as well. You are acting alone, overreaching your boundaries. The fault lies with me; I have shown you leniency when the whip was in order."

"Supreme Leader, you are wise and gracious beyond what I deserve. I assure you, the scavenger is weak. She is not as strong in the Force as she seemed. I can break her, and then, kill her in front of the resistance."

Abhorrent stream of words, dark and twisted promises left his mouth in order to live. He would promise Snoke anything at that moment, because he was on his knees and Snoke on the throne. He was wounded and Snoke whole. He loved and Snoke did not.

He needed to find Rey and bring her to safety at all cost.

…

Rey woke up to the embers sizzling under the heap of soot and collapsed wood. Kylo was sleeping on the opposite side of the hearth. Four tall walls encumbered them as if lying in a cathedral.

Rey wiped a stray tear, the product of her frustration and anger at him. Then, she curled into fetal position and tried to sleep.

When Kylo woke up, he glanced over his shoulder at her back. The gloves were on – thank the fucking stars. She was staring into her open palm, marveling at the blue mist.

"You know how to do it on your own?" his voice beamed with pride. He shuffled to her side. Rey didn't move. She wouldn't talk to him.

Kylo touched her shoulder. "You're so cold. I'll make the fire."

"Don't. Not with that … _thing_."

"You wanna freeze?"

"I'd rather, yes."

His neck tendons bulged. He counted to three and raised one arm in front of her curled form protectively. The other one shot a deafening lightning bolt and the wood caught aflame.

Rey shivered.

"It's fine." Kylo brushed her hair gently. "It's not dangerous if you know how to control it."

"Yeah, because you're a master of controlling your emotions and deadly lightning bolts." She spun rapidly. "What's with your face?"

Kylo's hand shot to his cheeks. "What? Where?"

"The scar." Rey sat up, took off the gloves, and touched it.

Kylo almost died. He nearly melted under her soft touch. It sparked something deep inside his navel, a longing to go home, a longing for her touch and kiss she wouldn't give.

"What about it?" he leaned into her dainty hand.

"It looks different. It's barely even there. It's…disappearing."

Kylo took her palm and kissed it. "It's the power of the dark side. It can heal – create or destroy, remember?"

"You wouldn't use it on me, though – would you?" She dropped her hand, lacing her fingers together on her stomach. "If something happens, promise me you won't."

"No, I won't. " _Of course I will._ Naïve, sweet Rey, so pure and good and trusting. It was fine, though. She could trust him; the only one who would do it all for her, for the _greater good._

Rey huffed. "I wasn't born yesterday." Was all she said and the blue mist; the only source of good memories, vaporized. Then, she took a stick from the fire and began scratching the ground.

Ah, yes - her calendar thingy, Kylo smirked. Three scratches for three days and nights they had been stranded there; in the stronghold, in the dark and cold.

"Can I scratch one?" he pouted.

Rey glared at him. "No. You would spoil it."

"Like I spoil everything else, right?"

"Accurate."

"Rey…"

"I don't want to hear it." She kept her focus on the scratches, precise and straight lines of doom. If she gazed at him, she would have forgiven him just like that. No, let the bastard suffer.

"Fine, then cover your ears but I will say it. I'm not apologizing for saving your life."

"You bombarded our ship. You attacked the resistance supply convoy and killed dozens of good people, innocent people who did nothing to you!" She tossed the wood aside. Her eyes were shining, her arms wound around her torso.

"They were bringing you to Skywalker!" he yelled. "You know what the old swine would have done to you? He would have seen it all; one look at you and he wouldn't have needed to read your mind."

"You're just assuming, as always. I would have never betrayed us. You think I told anybody? You think I _would_? Under torture or not, even if Skywalker roamed in my head for hours, I would rather die than give you up!" She was shaking, her voice echoing in the stone building.

"And I would rather kill than let you go!" He was shaking, too. "Don't you see? They did this. " He leaned closer to her. "It's them. They came between us, but now we can be together again. Rey, please."

"Together through the heap of corpses, is that what you mean?" She clutched his arms. Suddenly, she couldn't support her own weight, it was all too much, her heart beat too fast and her voice broke.

"Yes. I don't care. I'll rip the Force apart, remember? Rey," he brought her closer and she nestled under his neck. "Don't deny this to yourself. Don't deny this to _me_ , my child and you. It's all I have left."

"Kylo – that is the problem. You say I'm all you have left. But you – you're all I ever had, in my miserable, lonely life. And now, I have you and we'll have a child. And it's wrong, it's all wrong." She started sobbing.

"Why?" his voice cracked. "Why is it so wrong?"

"Because love isn't supposed be born when one is the prisoner of the other. Because too many people died for us, they are dying when we argue, when you're mad and I'm in d-danger."

He was holding her close, quivering like a tree in the wind. Something in her broke. He broke it. Nevermind, he shut his eyes and cried his own tears into her hair, but silently so she wouldn't notice. He would mend her again.

"I love you, I love you." He whispered. It echoed in the cavernous walls, for all to hear, for the Force to see. He didn't know what else to say. He was just as scared as her. He needed someone just as much as Rey did. He looked tall and lanky ever since he was a child; so comfort rarely came to him. "Him? Ben Solo? He is so strong in the Force; so tall and physical. He doesn't need comfort. He doesn't need compassion. He needs to be shipped on Tatooine to his uncle, and train in the arts of the Jedi."

Fuck them all. He seized Rey in his arms. He needed it then and he needed it now.

She wouldn't hear his reasoning and apologies, so he bet on one true thing he felt and told her he loved her, many times before he felt her lift her head under him.

"I lo-ve you, too." She crashed into his lips. Neither of them moved, they just _were_ ; resting against each other, being the closest they could to each other in this rocky fortress; among the corpses, hunted by the resistance and the Order.

"If you knew how terrible it was." She cried into his soft, sweet kisses. "I-I had to kill."

"It's all right now, shhh. Oh babe, you did nothing wrong." He felt her whole, his hands roaming her lithe body.

She surrendered first, giving him entrance. Kylo kissed her passionately, supporting the back of her head, exploring her with his tongue. Their tongues intertwined, clashed and they both breathed the essence of the other one. She clutched his robes, bringing him down on her.

Restless whispers flickered in the flames; the fire was kindling and ebbing with the flow of wind.

"I need you." She craned her head, giving him access to kiss her neck, her lower jaw, smearing their tears across.

Rey buried her hands in his robes, feeling his pants, unzipping them quickly. He didn't think. He didn't feel anything besides her body, her pulse and the soft purring of her voice. She pulled him out and he raised her dress, parting her thighs. They didn't have time to undress. Kylo rubbed her clit through the silk of her panties; and she moaned kissing him in between the shocks of pleasure.

"Now, Kylo, now."

"Are you…can we? The baby." He asked, but grabbed his cock and positioned himself at her entrance; pushing the thin layer of her panties aside.

"Yes, don't worry. I'm fine. We're fine." She gazed him in the eyes. He returned it and slid inside her, while looking into her almond eyes, finding love he had thought he lost.

"Oh…oh," Rey bucked her hips. She felt him again, inside her, on top of her. She never felt more protected than now, when he was a part of her.

"Hmm, you're mine. It's been too fucking long, Rey." He thrust into her, getting lost in her yielding, warm body. The slit of her panties was brushing against her clit and Rey cried, loud and wanton, so eager to feel him stretching her walls.

She threw her arms on sides, as if nailed to a cross, because she couldn't keep up with his tempo; he was taking what belonged to him – and she did. Kylo was kissing her chest, planting a trail of hot kisses above her breasts.

"We belong together, forever." He grunted with each thrust.

"Yes, yes," she bit her lips, dying at the sensational tightening in her pussy. Her panties became soaking wet, the hem cut into her flesh and brushed past his cock, bringing them both fierce, unbridled pleasure.

"Who do you belong to?" He surged deeper, parting her knees wide.

"You. I'm yours."

He was driving into her, faster than ever before, his voice reverberated in one, endless grunt. The fact that she had forgiven him aroused him; but the fact that she had _killed_ made his cock twitch inside her, now, voracious to come in her damp, slick cunt. She was moving violently under him, meeting his thrusts and when she opened her eyes, she caught him staring.

 _You killed to protect our child_. Rey heard his thoughts through their bond, and dragged her tongue across her lips. He collapsed into the crook of her neck, feeling sweltering heat and pressure coming to the surface.

"AArrghh," he screamed, spurting inside her. Her walls tugged him further in, and he came in mighty impulses. Rey felt his hotness inside her and the pulse of his heartbeat magnified between her legs. They hadn't fucked in weeks and Kylo needed the release. Despite her passionate expression, he knew she didn't come. He pulled out and kissed his way down to her thighs, licking them, tasting her juices.

"You taste so good, so different, gods." He began licking her wet folds, loving her enticing flavor. Rey writhed under him, thinking of how only one being in the entire galaxy ever brought her this much pain and pleasure. Kylo inserted a finger in, rotating just an inch into her entrance; and she lost it in a primal scream. He bent her knee and slid one hand under it, while the other pushed into her pelvis. He began massaging her clit with his thumb, and the top of his palm was scraping her heated skin gently; heightening every lick, every sensation he caused.

"Yeah, oh yeah this is it," she convulsed, her back scrubbing the rocks underneath; but she didn't care.

He didn't give her time to recover. Once he felt her contractions, he sucked and his tongue slid in and out, pressing on her rock hard clit, till she had to dig her heels into concrete to pacify her shaking calves. He coaxed her into total submission, and didn't stop with his wet, long kisses, pinching her swollen outer lips, stroking her pleasure spot.

"Kylo!" He had her trembling under him, coming in waves of intense, blinding ecstasy.

"I love you." She tasted herself on his full lips, as he climbed up and kissed her again and again.

For a moment, they could forget. For a moment where she rested content against his chest, he could feel her breaths and count her heartbeat. She played with his hair; massaging his scalp absentmindedly. Kylo sighed into her touch. The fire nearly disappeared again. He felt her press deeper into him, no doubt chilled to the bone.

"Don't worry. They'll be here soon."He whispered, his voice husky as only after coming inside her made it. He took off his outer robes and wrapped it around Rey. She was drowning in it, but closed it around her body.

"Are you sure someone's coming?"

"Yes. My knights are loyal only to me. They are coming."

"Would those be the same knights who hunted me in the woods?"

"I sent them away then, remember? I told you they are loyal."

Kylo let her nap, although she was falling in and out of consciousness depending on her temperature. He pulled her on him, and wrapped her tighter. He was cold as fuck, but he would keep her warm first, not through the Force, but his muscles and the mass of his body.

"They are coming," he said to himself.

Nasty, barren citadel now seemed cozy and inviting. How did he even survive those three days without her? Thank gods she saw reason and stopped blaming him. He had decimated the resistance fleet, when his cohort caught a signal of their convoy west of Corellia. And Kylo – he had caught another signal, that of Rey in the Force. He sensed her aura as a beast sniffed a scent. His star destroyer attacked without mercy.

"Spare no one, but that one freighter in the left quadrant." He ordered, rattling through the mask. And so they didn't. Bombarded ships were floating in the open space; explosions and blaster shots were crossing the sky.

"Lock them in." He commanded and his destroyer swallowed the small freighter on which Rey had been.

He was walking endless corridors towards her; with an entire battalion of stormtroopers behind him. She had heard his heavy stomps before he even appeared. Kylo found her sitting on her calves, caressing a corpse in her lap; surely, some useless, faceless resistance son of a bitch. She was wearing the same tattered rags as when he had sent her off. That infuriated him. Could no one in the fucking resistance give her a clean set of clothes?

"You! I knew it! I knew it was you - look what you've done." She clutched a head of black hair.

Kylo tilted his head. "The pilot." She was nursing the bloodied head of that resistance pilot he had tortured on the _Finalizer_ , long months ago. Vicious flame ignited inside him. How dare she mourn him? Besides, he wasn't even dead – Kylo felt his life force.

"Come on." He yanked her arm, and the pilot thudded on the floor.

"NO!" she fought and screwed her arm. "No, let me go! I won't leave him…Poe!"

Kylo dragged her behind him.

"Poe, no! Let me go! Or at least…take him with us, please, please!"

"Be quiet." He eased his death grip on her arm, but didn't relent.

"I will never forgive you, ever." She cried. "He deserves a funeral, at least that you can give me."

Kylo spat, livid that he had to admit the truth. "He's not dead."

After that, Rey shut up and led herself be towed away like a cargo. They flew somewhere on a star destroyer. She didn't know. She didn't care. Kylo knew he screwed up – that was why he didn't go near her. He sent medi droids and food and servant staff to take care of her. Not him, he wouldn't set a foot into her quarters. Once they flew into the atmosphere of Chiss, it all went down.

"Fucking resistance," Kylo heaved when he thought back on that battle, choking on his anger since he didn't want to wake Rey. One X wing got inside the thermal exhaust vents and rendered the ship useless. It flew them on Chiss, but it wouldn't fly any further.

They ended in a former stronghold of Darth Vader; his grandfather's lair. It used to be called 'castle,' although there was nothing fairylike about it. Empty, cold stone served as a meeting ground with Snoke's hologram. Kylo and Rey had been stranded there, waiting for his knights to pick them up.

He gazed at her sleeping face, satiated after sex, finally safe, finally able to leave the responsibility of survival to Kylo. He would gladly take it upon himself. He would kill thousands, so she wouldn't have to kill one. He closed his eyes, having it all in his grasp. But the grasp could become loose at any moment.

He needed to act and fight for power; otherwise Snoke would find her and kill her. He had lied to the Supreme Leader – for her. _Shit._ There was no turning back. He needed to find out who she was; where she came from.

"Bloodline," he muttered, kissing her temple. "It's all in the blood. Yours is so strong with the Force…who are you?"

Kylo strained his senses and meditated in the Force. By its grace, he heard thunderous engines parsecs away. The Knights were coming.

* * *

 **A/N OK, I loved writing this chapter. I enjoyed it a lot, bantering Kylo (a.k.a droid murderer) and bossy, pissed off Rey. They are just made for each other, I hope the characters were there :). Oh and a lot of plot happened..yes, so just to recap. Snoke made an entrance, Kylo rescuing her - ehm well, "rescue" Kylo style, as in a big mess. And bam - it was him who helped Rey in her fight in previous chap. to tap into the dark side..FORCE BOND is growing. And them stranded in a rock castle... gah, those three days must have been something else xD**


	21. Chapter 21

**Interdictor**

* * *

Rey thought she would never set foot inside one of the First Order star destroyers again. In fact, she had sworn on her life before that she wouldn't. _Ah, promises_. She crossed one chrome alley after another, drinking it all in.

The décor of a morgue with metallic walls shining red and blue from the computers went nicely with hundreds of corridors, sterile air and dust free floors. The ship was as surgical as it was menacing.

"This is going to be different." Kylo held the door for her to the spacious quarters.

"How? Same ship, same evil men on it."

"Not the same – the class is, but it's not the…" _one you had been captured and tortured on, while we were fucking like rabbits and I tried to extract the map to Skywalker from you._

Kylo slicked his hair back. "It's not the one on which you've been before. This is _Interdictor_."

"I have a bad feeling about this." Rey said. Where did those words come from? As if she had heard them before, spoken to her, _for_ her.

"Don't listen to your feelings." He extended his hand. "Just come. This is the safest ship in the entire Order Starfleet. It's mine to command."

Rey swayed on her heels. "So, you're like a captain here?"

"Exactly 'like' a captain." His hand started to throb, but he wouldn't drop it till she took it.

"Aaaand," she bit her lip. "They have to obey? All of them? What you say is the law, right?"

"Fifty thousand people live and serve on this ship. Every one of them is mine to command."

Rey wiggled her fingers in between his large ones, and brushed his skin, only so. Her eyes got that mischievous spark in them Kylo recognized immediately. "If I disobey you, captain, will there be a punishment?" She asked in a husky voice.

Kylo seized her hand and pulled her into him. He gazed down on her face, spearing her with a look of utter concentration. Rey's heart started beating faster, as if on cue when he looked at her like that. His nostrils widened and she saw every pore of that pale, smooth skin. He scorched her earlobe; she breathed in a minty scent of his breath.

"If you disobey your captain, he will tie you to the bedpost."

She closed her eyes. His body pressed into hers, but he didn't have to move a muscle; didn't have to speak or look. He simply _was_ and that warped her insides; that made her head spin and mouth dry up.

"Really, captain?" she mustered the energy to squeak. "Then I'll escape. Just like I did when…"

Kylo watched her mouth open and her eyes gaze into his chest, but seeing nothing. _Shit_. No doubt those fucking woods and knights hunting her like an animal were running through her head. That killed the mood. He pressed closer to kiss her, but suddenly, stopped.

Rey woke up, craning her head to look at his face. "What's wrong?"

"I felt it."

"Felt what?"

His palm glided over Rey's mini bump. It was so mini, that she couldn't call it a bump. It was a bumplet, a look of a bloated belly on a skinny girl. But it was there. She placed her palm on his.

"You're imagining things. It's sweet you think you felt it, but at this stage, it's like a peanut." Rey quipped, remembering the word from her talk with Finn. _Ouch._ Pang of guilt jabbed her in the ribcage.

"I did feel it." Kylo stepped back from her entirely, and she missed the warmth of his body. "I felt it in the Force."

Rey gasped. "What? How? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I… I don't know." _I do, but I'm not gonna tell you._ "You – you don't feel it?"

Rey squeezed her bump gently. She felt the cotton fabric of her shirt and the protrusion where a set of chiseled abs once used to be. "Yes I feel," and then, a loud growl escaped her stomach and Rey chuckled. "I feel hungry, apparently."

Kylo laughed and kissed her, but internally, he groaned. This wasn't good. Or at least it was strange. A father shouldn't have established deeper connection to a child than a mother, especially since she was the one carrying it. The concentration of the Force inside her must have been astonishingly high.

"Kylo," Rey rested her head sideways on his chest. "That man – the one who tortured me, he's not here, is he?" She heard the leather crinkle, and without looking guessed that he had closed his palms tightly.

"No. You will never see him again."

And he was right. Her stay on the ship was different.

While before, Rey had had to be confined to his stupid chambers, now, she could roam the ship freely. No one stopped her, no one bothered her - no one even looked at her; and that was perhaps even worse. She felt lonelier than in her AT-AT torso; licking the plate for one and playing with sand.

She would sit on the observation deck and watch; just watch the officers in ironed uniforms zig zag through the ship. Voices mingled, commands and reports of the analysts created a singular melodious rhyme which Rey started to learn to distinguish.

A female analyst spoke into the headset. "Cruising in the Mirrin sector thirty degrees west of the moon; one O-L-P one requesting pulling of the hypermatter reactor core in the stand by position, repeat, requesting pulling of the hypermatter reactor core in the…."

"Release the propulsion system, we are ready to jump."

She bent her knees and rested her chin on top; tucked in her hidden spot by the glass panels. She felt like she knew the ship. She used to salvage from these destroyers on Jakku her entire life. This felt different, though. What she had known was but a hollow corpse of a dead spacecraft; and here, she was sitting in the beating heart of it.

"I don't like when you're out there so often." Kylo said one night, scraping the razor against his chin.

Rey was braiding her hair which had grown quite a bit. "You don't like me doing anything. You think this matters to me? It goes right from here," she pointed at her left ear, "to here." She poked her right one.

He eyed her mirror reflection, tapping the razor against the sink.

"What?" she asked, trying not to swallow a bobby pin between her teeth. "You said you're the captain. What can happen to me here?"

"Anything can happen. For all your skills and reflexes in fight, you're a klutz most of the time. You have the worst luck in the galaxy. You can trip and fall, you can open the ventilation shaft while trying to call a droid, you can…"

Rey rolled her eyes, finishing the last twist of her plait. "If one of us ever trips, it's you. Your legs are too long for this ship anyway."

Kylo pressed a warm towel against his face and wiped the rest of the foam. They were staring at each other in the mirror. _Surreal_ came to mind. She was wearing white pajama bottoms, too big for her frame, and a white T shirt. He wore only black pants, and stuck his massive bare chest out. Rey knew he was teasing her.

She punched him in it.

"You," he threw her over his shoulder and Rey screamed and kicked, till they collapsed on the bed. His kisses tasted like soap and aftershave; and Rey couldn't stop brushing his smooth, fragrant skin. He touched her stomach before falling asleep. They didn't address it, ever. In fact, they rarely talked about it at all. Rey knew he wasn't one for big declarations; but that slight pet of her mini bump was his way of saying goodnight to the kid.

Time flew by.

 _Interdictor_ made one rotation after another, and one night, Kylo found himself caressing a big lump under her shirt. "Six months along," he thought. That meant in three, he would get to meet his child, his little …He smirked.

"Oh come on you bastard!" Rey propped herself on her elbow in bed. "Tell me if it's a boy or a girl! It's not fair that you know and I don't."

"I'm glad I caught myself thinking before you poked in my head. I'm not gonna tell you. You have the Force, figure it out. Better yet – start trying in our lessons and you'll know right away."

 _Ah, the lessons._ Ever since they had crashed on the destroyer, Kylo had been insisting on doing the "mind exercise" with her.

"I'll be gentle." He seated her in some octagon chamber, too dark for her eyes to see anything but vague outlines on the wall.

"What will happen?" Rey took a deep breath.

"I'll try to access your repressed memories in the Force. I might see things you have seen, but don't remember it, like your family."

Her breath hitched. "You mean who left me on Jakku?"

Kylo nodded and sat on a chair opposite to her. Their knees were touching, and Rey felt so small against his big body. He was looming over her like a teacher, a king on the throne. Kylo put his hands on his knees and sat ramrod straight.

Nothing moved.

The air seemed dead.

She registered the humming of the engines put on standby. She felt her pulse in her ears, and adjusted her eyes to the dimness of the chamber. Rey couldn't bear the intensity of Kylo's gaze. His scrutiny unnerved and called to her at the same time. The room became hot and her forehead covered in droplets of sweat. She would wipe them, but she feared to move. Kylo didn't. While Rey squirmed and wiggled her behind on the hard chair, Kylo wouldn't move an inch – he didn't even blink.

"The hell…" She muttered imperceptibly. She didn't feel him as in the mind probe once before, when he had sought the map to Skywalker. This felt weird. He was just staring, and she could drown in those two-colored eyes, in the way his nostrils flared and his thick hair hung in waves around his inert face.

As if he wasn't physically there with her; as if his body was, but the mind had deserted it. Suddenly, an invisible force pressed Rey to the chair.

She winced. Her back hurt already from the pregnancy, and now, she would have another nice bruise. _Shit._ Did he mean it?

"Aaarghh," she growled. The pressure rose quickly; then ebbed a bit, then rose again. It pulsated in her as a tumescent turbine pumping water. "Kylo, stop it."

Nothing. He might not have even heard her.

"Please, enough!" Rey clutched the armrests, but couldn't unstick her back, fighting that force with all she got. "What are you doing? Let me go, stop it!"

The world went black.

She didn't lose consciousness, only a sense of time and space. She heard a voice, or rather, she became the voice, shrill of a woman who screamed something into the void. A heartbeat was drumming in that place, and Rey hit the wall.

"It's fine, it's all right." Kylo's face hovered above her, picking her up from the ground. _How did I end down here?_ He gently supported her head and raised her up.

Rey shoved him. "What the hell was that? You will never get to do that to me again, do you understand?"

Kylo took in her shaking form. "I'm not going to apologize. It's the only technique that works. You want to know, don't you?"

Rey gaped at him, unsure whether to kick or punch or yell at him. "No, if I am to be minced like this, I don't want to know. We're done." She spun on the heel and darted to the door – even though she had no idea in which part of the ship they were, or how to get to their quarters.

Kylo Force pushed the door. They wouldn't open.

"This is too much, Kylo. Let me out." She stomped.

He ambled towards her, not looking concerned at all. "You're making a mountain out of a molehill. You're not even trying." He hit a barrier in her mind – a thing of horrors he hadn't expected. Whoever had raised it knew what they were doing. That told him a lot. She was left on Jakku by a powerful Force user; and whoever left her, might want her back one day. Great, add another bastard who might want to take her from him, apart from Snoke. He needed to know, he just had to; and if a bit of pain and discomfort got in the way, she'd just have to endure it.

"I am trying!" Rey cried.

"Try harder!" he raised his voice. "You're not even opening the connection. Is it your damn fear again? Do you even want to know where you came from or not? Are you happy being a scavenger?"

"How dare you! Of course I want to know. Why are you so obsessed? Why is it so important to you to know?" Her voice trembled. "Is it because you're ashamed? You don't want to have a baby with _just_ a scavenger, is that it?"

Kylo sighed, digging the heel of his palms into his eyes. _If only I could tell you._ Snoke was expecting him to end her; a scavenger he was "using", as far as he had lied to his master. Kylo needed to see how to train her. He had to know where she came from; what power she possessed, how to protect her.

"Of course I'm not ashamed. How the fuck can you even say that?"

"Well, how the heck can you treat me like this? I don't care about me, but if this somehow hurts her," she pointed at the prominent bump, now snug against her beige shirt.

He blinked, eyeing her shaky finger, an accusatory point aiming at the baby. "Her? How do you know it's her? Can you finally feel the connection?" He asked hopeful.

Rey smiled. "So – it's a girl, then?"

 _Little minx tricked me._ "I…I didn't say that." _Smooth, Kylo._

"But is it?"

"Ask a medi droid."

"You know very well you sabotaged them not to tell me. How weird, that their protocol has been overwritten not to reveal the sex." She surged at him, balling her fists.

Kylo congratulated himself internally. He was a devious bastard when he wanted to be, and he found Rey's aggravation at this detail mighty amusing. "It's not my fault you can't talk to the baby." He examined his gloved hand casually.

"Yeah, like you can, fetus whisperer."

"Of course I can." He said in the typical tone of a male wounded ego. "We talk all the time when you're snoring."

"Am not!"

"You are. I can hardly get a decent sleep with you."

"The you're welcome to get out, sleep alone and go fu-"

"Ah-aha-ah…"he caressed her temple softly. "Language. A child is present."

Rey just gaped at him, in utter disbelief of his cheek. "You are such an asshole."

"Am not!" he mimicked her previous protest and burst out laughing, when she lost it. He lived for the moments like these, when she crossed her arms and the bump looked so funny, and he breasts bigger than the usual handful. He licked his lips at the sight of them, but wouldn't torture her any longer. Kylo knew when she had had enough, and the bulging veins on her neck and face colored scarlet indicated that she had. "Come on. Sorry…I'm sorry, all right?" He grabbed her, mid-way to the door.

Damn, she could hold grudges. They were lying in bed later that night, once a passionate nest of sin turned to a mute ship sailing to the "I'm not talking to you" harbor.

"You still angry?" he planted a kiss on her shoulder.

"Don't talk to me, droid murderer."

Kylo snorted. If that was the worst nickname she had for him, bless it. He had done things far, far worse than hacking one stupid droid in his life.

Rey was lying spooned in front of him, her head resting on her palm. He joked about it, but it really did bother her. What kind of a mother couldn't feel her own baby in the Force? She could read Kylo's mind when he was on the opposite side of the destroyer. She sensed thoughts and fears of the officers; the names of their pets and kids when they had lost a train of thought. She could see colors when it was about to rain, and hear whispers when the night shift ended their rotation, and thousands of people were falling asleep.

Why not the baby, though? Why not someone inside her that was _hers_ and _his_?

Kylo heard her inner monologue as his own. He screwed his face. _Fuck me_. He had no idea it was this important to her. In the end, everything was. Things no one gave a shit about mattered to Rey, sweet, precious Rey; too good for this fucked up galaxy.

He wrapped his arms around her from behind, whispering. "Anakin says you're not to worry. He can't sleep, then."

"Ouch!" she darted up, panting in pain.

"What?" Kylo turned her and checked her in a millisecond. "What is it? Are you in pain? You need a medi droid?"

Rey was breathing loudly, exhaling and inhaling through her mouth. "No, no, I'm… it kicked, but it was different. It was so strong and it hurt me." Was it the name? No, she shook her head; that was absurd.

"I'm calling the droid."He tried to untangle from the blankets and clamber to the com console.

She grabbed his arm. "No, it's not necessary. It's gone now. But I swear this hasn't happened before. It felt strange." Only after half a minute, Rey gasped. "Anakin – what? A boy? A little boy?"

Kylo was still recovering from the heart attack she gave him. "Huh?"

"Don't you dare lie to me again, you ass. You said the name for a boy, so…?"

He couldn't resist that sweet pout and gleam in her eyes. "It's a boy." Kylo would remember this moment forever. He didn't have to hold his child in his arms to feel him, to see the unconditional love in his mother's eyes. He became more tangible after this revelation. He gently combed her hair back and smiled.

"Where's the name from? Anakin," she asked. "I kinda like it."

"It's…just a name. Forget it. We're not naming him that. I was just teasing." He felt like an idiot. He wouldn't name his son after an icon he worshipped. Not because Vader turned dark, but because Kylo would be jealous of his own offspring. No doubt, a product of Kylo Ren and Rey – whoever she was – would be a power source; the most powerful conduit of the Force imaginable. Name him Anakin, and his rise to greatness might overshadow that of his father, and that was something Kylo couldn't get over, not now and not in the future.

"Ben, then?" She bit her lip.

"Never."

"We can't name him Reymond, so you better think. I want it to be after us, something important to us."

He kissed her, feeling the Force course through her; as if a dormant cell awakened. Rey lost herself in his embrace and the warmth of his soft lips. She brushed his hair, the part of him she adored to tease and tussle and tug, in the heat of passion. "Thanks for telling me." She nuzzled his nose.

"You're welcome." He nuzzled it back, finally able to do these sickly sweet things with her without feeling stupid. It took him weeks after he had first met her to kiss her and actually feel something. He never meant it, or so he thought. It took another month for him to wake up and watch her sleep content in his bed; without having the urge to fuck her sensless. When did the gratification of her body change into that indescribable feeling of… _something_? When did it all go wrong for him?

She fucked him up. A girl from the desert junkyard fucked up a dark, vicious Knight of Ren.

It was a fact.

He could still be all of those things. He still killed and seized one planet after another in the name of the First Order. His knights still hunted the Force users all across the galaxy. He would still spear Skywalker with his lightsaber, looking the bastard in the eye before he let out his final breath.

But at the end of the day, he'd come to her and kiss her like this; and it wouldn't matter to him, that he was a killer and a monster. He would hold onto her, even if she protested.

They were standing directly at the tip of the arrowhead, in the narrowest point of the star destroyer, overlooking main bridge. _Interdictor_ was anchored next to a blue planet, as if only the ocean everlasting covered it. "Can I go with you, just once?" She was sending him off, her hand resting on her belly.

"Not this time. It's too dangerous."

Few days later, a green, elliptical star halted their path and Kylo was readying his mask to go. She was leaning on the doorframe, arms crossed. "Can I go _now_?"

"You could, but there's a third class atmospheric pollution in the reports, and you don't wanna endanger the baby, do you?" He kissed her forehead, threw over his hood and left. He would never let her visit one of the worlds they descended on. Not for her own safety; that bit was just partially true. He wouldn't have her see things he had to do there; things she wouldn't believe because she loved him. But he did them; precisely because _he_ loved her. He killed whoever the Order wanted; tortured whatever faction Snoke commanded, just to keep his head down and not attract attention to him and Rey. He still hadn't figured out how to snake his way out of this, with Rey and the baby unharmed, and him – preferably alive.

"Sick of these corridors, I'm sick of the deep space." Rey kicked the bedpost in their quarters. She was lying on her back with her legs high in the air, stomping on the bedhead. Not only did her back ache like crazy, she felt disgusting and bloated and her ankles were swollen. On top of it, she gobbled up three times more food than normally, and then, she felt sick.

She needed to feel the sun rays on her skin. She longed to take a dip in the river, or a lake; eating fresh fruit plucked from a tree. Rey loved stars, but the space offered only so much she had enjoyed. Humans were earthly creatures; they belonged to the soil, not the stars. Only after death, she would rejoin the cosmic soup, not in life.

Idle thoughts were poisoning Rey. She rolled off the bed and pulled out the navi disc Finn had given her ages ago in the bazaar. _Press me, press me._ It called to her. What could happen, right?

So, she did; and soon, she had small Finn hologram gaping at her in her palm. "Rey! Gods… what the hell? Where are you? Ren took you, I know because Poe told me."

Rey hissed. _So, we're skipping the pleasantries._ "I'm safe, Finn. I'm with him. Don't worry about me. Is Poe OK?"

"Yeah. Had a pretty nasty bump for a while, but…that's not important. Do you wanna come home or not? Give us the coordinates and we'll get to you."

 _Home_.

"I'm fine here."

"Here where?" he put his hand on his hips, glaring. "There's a lot of things you don't know about. Leia is dead. Luke Skywalker is now waging the war against the Order. He's the leader. The Knights and that beast, Kylo Ren, are overtaking the territories in the neutral buffer zone; slowly pulling the scales on their side. He's a vicious killing machine, Rey. Just so you know who you're fucking at night."

Rey dropped the disc. Little holo Finn flickered in the air, but then the graininess stopped and the image smoothed. "I..I…"

"Yeah. They're hunting Sith artifacts, trying to kill every last Force user in the outer rim. It's bad, Rey. Real bad. But you just close your eyes and don't let me disturb your idyll."

"I won't have you talk to me like that, Finn. Stop it and let me help you. What…" she clutched her thigh with her free hand and positioned the navi disc so Finn wouldn't see her belly. "What can I do? I'm on a star destroyer. I can get you information."

"Logs. We need travel logs and maps to track the charter. We don't know where they've been, what territories are loyal to the resistance and what have been overtaken. I mean…if you can. Don't risk your life for us." He said coldly. As if this Finn and the one from the bazaar were two different people.

"You don't have to worry about me. I see you don't mean it. And I'm not risking my life for you. I'm doing it to protect _him_ as well." She spat, pressing the button without saying goodbye.

 _Damn it._ Tears brimmed in her eyes. She had to make Kylo see reason. Not at once, no. He wouldn't listen to anything if she forced it on him. She had to plan carefully and open them a way out to the resistance. The Order was evil, and she would steal those logs to help the good guys win. Maybe in the future, the resistance would remember. She and Kylo might have a small chance of making it out alive, and if they would, the world needed to know that a monster had helped, once.

Rey forbade herself picturing the fate that awaited Kylo, if he survived and the Order lost. No one would punish her – for what? Loving the beast? But he… he would be killed, or tortured for information and then, his corpse tossed aside. Mobs on Coruscant pulled down the statues of the Emperor before his dead body even cooled. Knight of Ren would go the same way. Maybe this little favor for the resistance might buy them some mercy. Maybe Finn and his friends would be willing to raise their son if Rey and Kylo were dead. _Maybe…_

"Tomorrow night," she whispered, tucking the navi disc away. "I'll try it tomorrow night."

* * *

 **A/N What now? The plot thickens. Also yes, she is six months along now, slight time jump for narrative purposes. Hope you enjoyed :)**


	22. Chapter 22

**Interregnum**

* * *

"This is going to be one of the good days," Lieutenant Mitaka adjusted his cap and began walking energetically towards the commander's bridge. He had been reassigned to the _Interdictor_ after the fiasco on Starkiller base. "Just as well," he murmured, greeting his fellow analysts on the way there.

It might be a relief not to see the smug face of General Hux every day, or being subjected to the tantrums of that man…Kylo Ren. The name didn't leave his lips lightly, so he just whispered the masked man's initials in his head. Sometimes, it seemed as if Ren could see inside his head. The officers outranked the stormtroopers in the Order, but they couldn't help overhearing the stories in the mess hall. Mitaka focused on the tips of his glossy boots, and walked into the commander's deck. He assumed his position at the desk and began processing crucial data from the travel logs.

"You can do this, Dopheld. Just like on the _Finalizer_." He thought, as he pulled the commemorative armband he wore on the sleeve of his uniform. He graduated top of his class at the Academy. He wouldn't fear one man, even though that man was a six feet tall giant with the voice of death and hands as vise. Nope. This time, he wouldn't give Ren a reason to punish him. He would go above and beyond in his duties to the First Order.

Second class communication analyst with bright smile and dimples in her cheeks approached him at the end of the shift. "You going, Lieutenant? We're off to the pool. Stars know we need a break after a shift like this."

Mitaka pressed his lips into a thin line. His hands slid and scratched the holoscreen. Instead of elegant numbers, flashes and grainy patterns jumped in his face. _Darn_. "Uhm…yes, no, I mean…"

She smiled. That made it even worse.

"I can't." Mitaka regained composure, if not his lost dignity. "I'm planning on pulling an all nighter. Gotta finish these stats before captain Ren requests them." He gave her a weak smile. "You know how he is. Better hand it before he thinks he wants them."

Analyst patted him on the arm and he froze. "Well, if you change your mind, you know where I'll be. Good luck with the stats," she leaned closer."I heard Ren is in a good mood this week, so if you won't screw them up, he might even say thank you." She winked and Mitaka watched her per behind sway on the way out of the deck.

He took a deep breath and puckered like a pigeon. "Above and beyond. I'll go in my duty above and beyond…and then, to the pooool." He sang the last part, his fingers flying over the keyboard. "TMZ-LL, thirty one degrees west of Tython," he yawned bleary eyed. The deck was deserted, save for dark red and blue hue of dimmed lights and blinking holos all around. The clock read three in the morning before Mitaka realized that instead of small numbers, he saw one smudged line of nothing.

He was ready to wrap it up, when he suddenly heard a noise. "Huh?" It was coming from the back row of the deck, where resided the main computer's outlet. He ambled towards it cautiously. "If this is another prank, Juvius, I swear…"

"Ouch!" someone peeped under the desk, obviously bumping their head hard.

Mitaka opened his mouth, but then, struggled to get his blaster out and aim it at the desk. "Show yourself, intruder. I am a Lieutenant of the _Interdictor_ destroyer and I command you to….to…" the blaster started jumping in his sweaty hands, and before Mitaka steadied them, it thudded on the floor. He grimaced at his own clumsiness.

Someone else did too.

A beautiful woman dressed in white dress and a bathrobe was looking at him on all four, trying to get out from under the desk. "Don't touch that weapon again if you don't wanna get us all killed."

She tried to get up, but Mitaka was quicker. He seized the blaster and regained the aim at her kneeling, hunched form. Rey didn't dare to move. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._ She knew the schedules. How come this one was still here? He might shoot her. He might beat her; hell – she might have to beat him. Stars knew she could, what with his scrawny shoulders and nervous tics. But then, she'd have to explain to Kylo and… _fuck_.

"Stay where you are, rebel. How did you get past the defenses? Where's your shuttle? Where's your squadron?"

"I'm not a rebel." She spat through gritted teeth. "I'm going to get up now, because my back is killing me." _Smart, Rey, using the word killing in a conversation with one nervous wreck._ She slowly gained her footing and straightened up.

Mitaka's blaster fell again. "That…I did not expect." He stared at her big belly. _Huh?_ Since when did the resistance send pregnant spies to the Order ships? Nothing made sense tonight. Not the analysts' invitation to the pool, since she had never smiled at him before, and certainly not this pregnant woman lurking in the shadows.

"Who are you? What were you doing out there?"

"I live here. I'm…uhm." Somehow, the words "I'm a knocked up consort of your captain" couldn't find a way out of Rey's mouth. So, she cleared her throat. "I'm a guest of Kylo Ren. As in, a very esteemed guest and he would not have me harmed. So, I suggest you put out that thing and let me pass. Goodnight."

"Ah-ah, not so fast," he caught her arms as she tried to brush past him. "I know Kylo Ren. He keeps guests as much as he keeps flowers in his quarters. Darn," he screwed his face. "Shouldn't have said that. Oh no."

"Let me go." Rey yanked her arm, but then, he stopped playing nice and grabbed her harder.

"You're coming with me."

Before she knew, he had called a squadron of stormtroopers and Rey was being escorted lords knew where. And she was too petrified to do anything about it. Her long bathrobe dragged behind her and she was frantically making up different scenarios in her mind. She had to escape without attracting attention or calling for Kylo's help. She couldn't justify her being out and downloading data for the resistance – how even?

And that stupid Lieutenant – he wasn't supposed to be there. No one was. She had known well when the day rotation ended and the night shift began, and this fool clearly aimed for golden stars and worked overtime. _Damn_. They strapped her to a torture rig and Rey was secretly enjoying the fact that the leather straps could still cross her ankles.

"Not so fat after all," she muttered to the flabbergasted Mitaka.

"Is this a game for you, rebel?" he asked.

"No. This is a misunderstanding. If you listened to me and let me go, this still doesn't have to go on your record."

That seemed to strike a chord. Mitaka prized his pristine record and academic achievements above all. But still – he had the rebel in his grasp, and he would go above and beyond. "Don't try to fool me, rebel. I know your tactics. Is this even real?" he touched her bump, but recoiled when he felt a kick.

"Very real," Rey sighed, "as is my swollen neck and ankles and my heartburn. Now we've had our fun, but you'll let me go, right?" _The Force, the Force…_

"I won't."

"You will remove these restraints and leave the cell with the-"

"La la la la la," Mitaka stuck fingers in his ears and started chanting. Rey nearly died of repressed laughter. The whole setup was preposterous, and now this?

"I know what you're doing. I know one such prisoner has escaped before and the stormtrooper in question god duped." He shouted over his covered ears. "But not me! I know my duty and you will not trick me."

Great, I found me a smart one, Rey snorted, flicking her wrists and removing the restraints on her own. But the second they unclasped, set of another ones sprung from the metal railings and enveloped her anew.

"New, modified system." He jabbed the blaster into her belly, and Rey froze. "You try that again and I will shoot."

The gravity of the situation started to dawn on Rey when she felt the hard barrel of the blaster poking in her bump. That was when the fun ended. This puny man looked unhinged, too eager and too scared at the same time. She let out a shallow sigh, then another, until she felt as if her lungs couldn't contain the oxygen,

"I advise you to rethink what you're about to do, officer." She was breathing between each word. "Kylo Ren won't thank you for this, trust me."

His eyes widened. "You think I'll give him another reason to punish me like before? Never. I'm smarter now. You," he nodded at the stormtrooper. "Guard her. I will go report to the captain."

Finally, Rey sighed internally. Yeah, go get the captain and he would free me and then yell at me for hours to no end that I got myself caught into this mix.

The stormtrooper addressed anxious Mitaka. "Sir, I think she's telling the truth. She has been around here for a while, never bothering anyone. Maybe the captain wants her here."

"Nonsense. Now do your duty and I will go and do mine." He left them alone. Stormtrooper started playing some recordings inside his helmet, so he wouldn't hear Rey's Force tricks. She cursed and wiggled in the cuffs like a fish out of water. "Stupid Force. Stupid star destroyers, damn it." She was secretly wondering how the hell had Kylo punished Mitaka before – and for what? This just had to happen to her, of all people.

Rey heard Kylo's stomps before ever seeing him, as per usual. He stormed inside the interrogation chamber and Rey raised two fingers as a greeting, most of her body she could move. The silence was deafening. Mitaka was walking on strings, and babbled something about the insidious rebel alliance. Masked Kylo kept boring his eyes into Rey's guilty face. Rey swore she felt the temperature in the room drop. The shiny rims of his mask glinted and he tilted it just so, and Rey knew the trouble was coming.

He moved his arm in the air languidly. The restraints dropped. She clambered out of the rig unceremoniously. No one gave her a hand. _Here goes_ , she though, expecting Kylo's rant or rebuttal.

Nothing.

He looked at her one last time, and without a single word, strode away. Everyone else left in his wake. Rey was standing alone, in the empty torture chamber, twisting the hem of her bathrobe nervously. She fucked up. Damn, she knew that trying to get those logs would be risky, but this? He wouldn't forgive. He wouldn't forget.

She had no idea how long she was standing there. Somehow, the torture chamber seemed far safer than her comfortable quarters. She was actually afraid to go back, like a child who had broken a window and feared spanking. "Maybe I can camp here forever and never have to see Kylo again." She sat down, crossing her ankles in lotus position. Yes, that sounded reasonable. Her belly protruded and she resembled a spider with fat belly and long, skinny limbs.

She would cry, if she wasn't so paralyzed and disappointed in herself. Her stomach growled audibly. "I'm never leaving this room, baby. Sorry but we can't eat now. Hmm, I wonder if the cleaning crew ships me out or maybe they'll need the chamber for the actual torture. But nevermind, I'll just shuffle to the corner and watch, maybe rooting for the victim. I can do this. Anything so I wouldn't have to go back and face Kylo."

For all her grand plans, she slumped down like a log in thirty minutes, falling asleep. She woke up in a full blown panic mode. "Where? How?"

 _Ah_.

She was still lying on the cold, hard floor and the torture rig was still towering over her. But a covered tray lay next to her. Rey wiped the drool off her chin and gulped at the smell of meat and potatoes.

"Kylo, bless you. Sweet, sweet man. Thank you," she was talking to herself while devouring the roast and spitting all over the floor. She was alone, but undoubtedly, Kylo had ordered the meal to be brought to her.

Just as she was scraping the mash off the plate, a click disturb her. "Uaaaa!" Rey dropped the tray. A soldier in silver armor, tall as a com tower and menacing as hell stepped out of the shadows.

"Calm down. I mean no harm. I thought you might be hungry, so I provided the meal for you."

 _Huh?_ Rey had no answer to that. All she knew was that this very soldier had captured her in the hangar on the _Finalizer_ and handed her over to that ginger prat who had her tortured.

"I am Captain Phasma. I serve under your… friend."

"My who?" Rey found the words, wiping the spilled mash off her bathrobe.

"Kylo Ren. I - I assume he is your… _friend_." No way would Phasma say lover in front of this girl; if for nothing else, out of respect to the rank of the captain. She put down her mask and Rey gasped.

"You're a girl!"

"I am." Kind, pretty face with short blonde hair was staring at her. "So are you, I see. And with child."

Rey scraped up from the floor and observed Phasma with curious eyes. She was so tall and masculine, but at the same time, her face shone and her neck looked slender and long; her eyes were the softest blue color, and her lips full and heart shaped. Rey liked her instantly, despite her previous treatment of her.

"I remember you."Phasma lowered her eyes. "You were the rebel spy who infiltrated the _Finalizer_. I captured you on your way to escape. I…I often wished I would have acted differently. I apologize."

Rey sighed. "I don't know what to say."

"No words needed. I said my peace. Now, I'll go. Just so you know that you have an ally here, if you need anything in the future. Regarding that," Phasma pointed at Rey's belly. "The ship needs to be equipped with a ward providing you with what you need for labor. I can arrange that."

"I thought that the medibay here on the destroyers is first class quality."

"It is. But you'll need more than bacta cast and medi droids to go through the labor." Phasma said wistfully, as if she knew…as if she had experienced that before. She put on the mask and left Rey on her own.

Late night turned to early morning on the star destroyer, and now full Rey could camp here, indeed. She lay down on her side and gazed into the wall. It had thirty eight horizontal lines, and fifty small cubes per foot. She had counted them again and again, dreading the morning. She didn't know what irked her more – the fact that this whole night happened, or that Kylo wasn't looking for her. It hurt, damn it. More so, he had closed off their Force bond. She couldn't feel him, couldn't talk to him.

"Just as well," she murmured, before falling into a light sleep. But she would wake up regularly. The floor was cold and uncomfortable; she felt every ridge of her spine. On top of that, the baby kept kicking and tossing and Rey felt stranger than usual, as if her body ached and protested just to get her to bed.

She darted up. "Ouch," she pulled up her robes and massaged her bare skin. "Ufff," she hissed, now in legit pain. This wasn't supposed to be happening. She gritted her teeth and failed to get up; only on her third attempt did she hunch over and grappled the metallic rig.

"No, no, baby what are you doing…" she couldn't breathe. The pain was raw, shooting from the depth of her uterus to her spine, and suddenly she felt the tips of her fingers and toes buzz. Her neck started burning, her hands got clammy and she barely saw anything.

She screwed her face in a mask of pain. "Kylo," she whispered, calling him in her head, just as many times before, but this time, only silence answered her. He hadn't heard her. He wouldn't…Rey realized and meandered to the door. She dug her nails into the doorframe and couldn't go any further.

"Oh gods…please, the stars, the Maker, anything sacred in the galaxy, please, please don't let this happen," she sobbed, falling to her knees. "Don't let this happen because I was stupid. No, no," she muttered, her tears glistening on the black, polished floor.

He had felt it.

Despite his tremendous rage at her and closing off the bond, he had felt a sharp pang in his chest while studying the newest reports. Kylo tapped his fingers on the desk. She was probably crying dramatically over the fuck up. No, he would not go to her, wherever she was hiding. Let her rot there. She had endangered the child, _his_ child - his property while doing stars knew what.

He swiped his gloved hand across another datapad, trying to focus on the maps. But the pain didn't go away. It intensified. The chair creaked under his weight, and he parried off and stomped to wherever part of the ship she was bawling. He wouldn't let her off the hook easy. She would hear it, goddamn it. He loved her quirks and little acts of defiance she had amused him with, but this was too much. She had crossed his express ban not to go outside and frolic around the ship as if she owned it. Now, she would hear it.

When he spotted her in the same chamber as before, lying on the floor, he secretly enjoyed waking her up. "Get the fuck up. You had your sulking time, now you're going with me." He raised her limp arm, but she didn't move.

Kylo immediately let her go, as if she burnt him. He slumped down, checking her face. Something was way off. "Rey?"

"You came, you came." She kept saying dazed.

He had to measure his breaths to calm down, to articulate a thought and not scare her. "It didn't have to go this far. What's wrong with you? Are you in pain?" he felt his previous anger dissipate, although he fought to feel it a bit longer.

She didn't answer, her eyes closed.

"Rey?" he took off the gloves and upturned her limp head. It fell down on her breasts. "Rey!"

He spotted it, dark red pool under her back; smearing further from the center with each weak breath she took. Kylo didn't press the medi com button on the wall; he out right slammed it and immediately grabbed her hands. He had no idea what the fuck was happening. All he knew was that before the droid got there, he had to help her; in the Force. He closed his eyes, and only when he wrapped her palms in his did he realize how much his were shaking.

"Come one, fuck, come back. Feel it, Rey…feel the Force. You're my brave little scavenger, fucking shit...damn it." He hurled curses amid loving confessions, blinded with rage and fear, kneeling in front of her bleeding body.

It hurt.

It fucking hurt him, to deplete his life essence. He was drawing from the reservoir of the Force within him, directing the energy to Rey. She paled, nearly faded to the obsidian floor like a snowflake into the charcoal. Her lips tinged blue; Kylo couldn't catch her pulse.

The next thing he knew was the droids carrying her to the evac wing and then, only silence.

* * *

 **A/N Y'all better be nice to me after this chap... also don't hate me. *gulps* :)**


	23. Chapter 23

**Princeps Inter Pares**

* * *

Kylo was sitting on a small stool behind the white linen partition, listening to noises. He didn't fit into the chair for a regular human. He didn't give a shit. He looked down on his hands covered in her dried blood. He opened his palm and closed it, then rubbing them together. As if that would help, as if he would be free of that what was happening right there, three feet away from him.

"The droids know what they're doing. Healers know what they're doing," he kept thinking, but simultaneously inching for his lightsaber the second someone brought him bad news. He would kill them all. He would spear and slash the entire infirmary if they dared to… no.

Never. She would be fine.

He heard noises of the consoles and gadgets, beeping one minute and then crinkling of something rubbery the next. He didn't hear Rey. She didn't utter a word, not a moan, not a sigh or whimper – and Kylo _was_ listening. But he didn't hear her heartbeat in the Force. He lost that of his son as well. He stood up, pacing the room. "Fuck the curtain," he wiped his forehead, cold and not sweaty at all. He just needed to feel his skull, to trust that he was still afoot and ready for whatever awaited.

No – bless the curtain. Behind the curtain she was alive. His son was alive. Outside the curtain, only the darkest scenarios were playing in Kylo's head. If she died, he would be finished. It was over for him, for the Order and for the resistance. Not a planet would be safe from the beast; not one star system unconquered. He wouldn't do it for him, but to spread the destruction that had befallen him.

The curtain shimmered and Kylo's eyes darted up. He saw vague outlines of droids and people, and when a movement pushed the linen aside, Rey's head peeked from under there. Kylo would die for her, then.

Fuck.

He would do it – if a droid rolled into the room and offered him to go instead of Rey; he would fucking take it. He let out a choked sigh, long and agonizing, one of perhaps three he took in the last five minutes. Fuck his breathing. He needed to save his breath, to dose it for Rey, for her kisses and smiles, for when he brilliant eyes opened and she'd scold him and gently tug his hair like she loved to do.

Blonde healer in his late thirties beckoned. "You can come in, captain."

Kylo plowed into the blindingly white room like a tauntaun into china store. His sooty robes were too dark and too crass to fit in. He towered over the tallest of the staff and his hollow face signified that whoever delivered a bad news would pay.

Doctor loosened his collar and didn't look at Kylo when he spoke. "She has had a placenta tear in two places, not uncommon in the third trimester of the pregnancy. She is stable now, but high at risk of miscarriage. The fetus is still underdeveloped at six months, so we're doing everything we can to keep her stable. The surgery went well, given the circumstances. " Healer recited the facts, useless, rubbish facts Kylo would have him choke on.

Kylo's voice sounded too detached; too calm. "What caused it?"

"Stress, mostly, then there are some substances that if ingested, might be the cause – as in abusing of the death sticks and-"

The healer found himself flying across the ward; pinned to the ceiling. Gasps and shocked echoes filled the room; even the medi droids rolled back and forth on their struts.

"Does this woman look like someone who would abuse these filthy drugs?" Kylo asked dispassionately, his arm stretched in the air and bloodied hand Force pushing the poor sod into the upper wall.

"N-no, sir." Healer rasped. "It was just a s-suggestion." His pristine collar got strewn with blood from his nose which had opened like flood gates. It started dripping on another healer's head, but no one moved.

"You _suggest_?" Kylo spat. "Then I suggest that you get her out of this. She lives, do you understand? The child lives. If anything happens to her," he spun his head around the ward, marking shocked faces with his look. "You'll regret it. No matter where you hide, I'll find you in the furthest fucking part of the outer rim and I will kill you. The First Order will burn your families. I will erase you existence from every datapad, every log in the galaxy. If she is no more, it's as if you never were."

He dropped his hand and with it, the healer. Ward emptied unimaginably fast. Save for one droid in the corner left on stand by, everybody ran for their lives in the most literal sense.

Kylo moaned quietly, almost like a child seeing death for the first time. Confronted with this reality behind the curtain, he felt sick. "Rey?" He leaned over her still body on the medical table. "Rey…"

Of course she didn't move or talk back. Of all times he'd love her to talk back to him, she was deadly silent. Her lips were cracked and her freckles many on the ivory canvas of her skin. Could he touch her? He wouldn't even try, out of fear.

"You need to live. You need to; I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm not gonna raise him right, hell, I don't know if I wanna." His chaffed lips lingered on her palm. It was the truth. The kid ceased to make sense without her. The galaxy ceased to make sense without her.

She didn't stir. Her white gown wasn't white at all, it was dotted in blood beads here and there, rumpled and raised up her pale thighs. Kylo lay her hand down gently and slammed his fist to the nearby glass display. "Why the fuck can't you dress her properly?"

Elderly female healer dashed in, her oval face carved into a stern statue. "Sir, we're doing eve-"

"Does this look like a proper dress, huh?" He was up in healer's face. "She's gonna be cold. Look," he jerked her by the nape of her neck and bent her down to Rey. "Look, she's lying here, dying and you can't even fucking take care of my…"

 _My what, Kylo?_

"I'm, sir, I'm…" the healer croaked, shaking like a leaf.

Kylo nearly bashed her moronic, useless head on the table. He lowered it down before raising the bitch up. "Get the fuck out. And call someone useful to change her. You – I don't want to ever see you here again. You're discharged from the _Interdictor_."

"But sir," she dared to speak.

Kylo's bloodshot eyes glinted maliciously. "One word… one more word. Give me a reason, come on."

She ran.

She fucking ran and he heard heavy footsteps and the glass shattering and the door slamming. He had driven her away, finally and now, he could be with Rey. "It's all right. You'll be warm and dressed like you deserve." He smoothed stray wisps around her face. His tone changed at once when speaking to her, it mollified like a melted caramel. His deeply set, hooded eyes relaxed when looking at her. He curled one tendril of her hair around his finger. He felt it – her texture, her warmth and life force. He let it go. He curled it again. He let it go. That brown curl was her life thread and Kylo the god spinning it in his hands.

"Rey…" he resorted to begging. _Fuck._

Three weeks passed with little progress.

Kylo learned to be grateful for that little he got. She wasn't dead – that was a victory. She wasn't doing worse – cause for celebration. His son was still kicking his little feet against her belly – he roared in his quarters, punching the shower tiles till his knuckles bled. The moment the beast stopped punishing others and began punishing himself, something in the Force changed.

He kept visiting her every minute he could spare while governing the _Interdictor_. He put a halt to all raids and missions, he barely slept and his mind raced in such vivid images, that he had to scorch himself in the shower to feel the physical.

"Kylo?" she would be calling to him in a hazed state, neither here nor there.

"I'm here," he took her hand and nearly shanked himself when he realized he still wore gloves. "Fucking stupid pieces of…" he yanked them off, tossing them away. "I know you hate them, I know it." He seized her hand, but until he managed to look at her, she would have drifted off again.

To his immense astonishment, even Phasma came to visit, although why, remained a mystery for him.

"Sir, I feel like we should perhaps orbit Sullust for the next couple of days. There are special facilities and healers who might-"

"Set the course." He said pensively, sitting in the captain's seat on the main deck.

"As you command, Sir."

As if she knew, Kylo sighed into his mask. From all the dastardly soldiers of the Order, he held this woman in the highest esteem; in silence, of course. He would never tell her that. Phasma knew what needed to be done and she actually did everything he had commanded, even before there was a need for it. Her training program was exceptional, save for that one fluke with the traitor FN-2187. He had never seen her face. She had never seen his.

Kylo and Phasma were like two pragmatists in the hive of theoretical minds, who served and obeyed the duty, first and foremost. A silent understanding arose between them once, and they upheld it ever since.

Kylo visited her in the second tier officer's quarters one evening. "Captain."

"Sir," she saluted.

"I have a mission for you. You are to go to Corellia and retrieve something valuable for me. It might not be easy, but it's crucial you succeed."

"Whatever you need, Sir. I will not disappoint."

"I know you won't."

Kylo authorized her, and _only_ her with this task. He knew Phasma would succeed. "It's all right, Rey." He traced circles on her collarbone one night. "I'll have something for you, soon. You wake up, then. I know you will. Who else is gonna call me a droid murderer?" He shifted left and right, making sure the ward was empty.

He kissed her on the forehead, lingering for a long time. He wore just his undertunic and pants, no gloves or mask. His hair was slicked back, not its usual fluffy self. While pressing his lips down, he eyed the life support machine. Green line was jumping ardently up and down in a pattern. Good, amazing, let her heart beat and him feel it. She didn't feel cold to him. She felt warm and very much alive. Kylo closed his eyes and let his lips rest on her skin, trying to taste her essence.

And he did.

How come even asleep, she tasted like _Rey_? She tasted like a hint of iris and rare titian orchid she so loved. He felt her blood pumping and her breath escaping her lungs. He felt one with her, as intensely as when they made love. Suddenly, he withdrew because something wet was tarnishing her face.

He wiped his tears; the ones that he did _not_ permit to fall. How dare they? How dare the fucking galaxy do this?

"I shouldn't have pushed you in the mind exercise." He straightened the bell sleeves of her hospital gown."I shouldn't have left you in that torture rig. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you. I'm sorry I left you alone that night." He kept straightening her robes, dusting off imaginary motes. He frowned. His bulging arm muscles were covered in black fabric of the tunic. He laid it next to hers. Rey's was white and his was black.

He crinkled his nose. He hated the contrast. He hated his fucking robes. "Don't worry, babe. That fuck has been dealt with. He won't ever hurt you again."

Kylo didn't kill Mitaka right away.

He had the crew gather in the back cargo hangar of the star destroyer. The Knights of Ren had encircled the premises and whoever wanted to leave had to past them. Naturally, that meant the spectacle was in full attendance. Kylo's masked form was pacing over distorted body of Mitaka, levitating mid air.

"This man disobeyed my direct order. He took a prisoner and harmed her, despite my ban. He thought he was doing the right thing." Kylo said; his voice deliciously sarcastic. "Too bad for him. He thought wrong."

Drool and blood were trickling down Mitaka's chin. He raised his hand, devoid of all fingers. Only bloodied stubs kept pointing at whoever came into his vision. "Above and beyond…I was j-just doing my d-duty." He cried like a child. "Please, please."

Kylo stood in front of him. His hands curled into fists were parted in a combat stance. He thrust him mercilessly out of the hangar. Oh, the Force…sweet instrument of his wrath. He drew from the darkest well, from that poisonous sap of the dark side and the crowd trembled to behold him. Mitaka's scream echoed only in the hull of the ship, because once he passed the magnetic shields, he drifted into open space. No sound carried in space. No life; no hope, no light.

Kylo Ren had sentenced him to the eternal darkness.

"Don't worry, babe. He won't ever hurt you again," he whispered to her and she heard him. Rey was awake before her body was. She couldn't move or speak, but she felt his warm, large hand pressing hers. She felt his scent, an expensive Corellian aftershave and that masculine something she loved about him. But most importantly; she felt her baby. She felt her beloved son kick, as if welcoming his mother among the living.

Kylo blinked twice. "What?" He watched one stray tear gliding slowly down the curve of her temple. He cupped her cheek and smeared it with his thumb. "Rey?" he barely whispered. "Can you hear me?"

Another diamond droplet fell, and then another. He started shaking, legit shaking and didn't know what to do first.

Rey trilled like a hummingbird, her voice sounded so low and weak. "Don't leave me."

"I won't." Kylo said too loud, and she winced.

Silence was her only company in the worlds between, and now, the noises were too loud and lights too bright. Only thing that felt just right was his touch.

Rey began recovering. It took three more days to discharge her form the evac bay. Kylo brought her to their quarters on the hovercraft.

"Wow," Rey smiled. "You actually lifted a finger while I was away?" _Half dead, away; who needs names._

"Huh. Of course I wouldn't have you live in a pigsty." Kylo gently scooped her from the vehicle and put her on bed, gray, satiny pool of luxurious sheets. It felt so large to Rey, used to narrow surgical table.

First order of business was to direct him to her luggage. "There – yes, no, beyond it - not that one, the other one – ugh," she groaned. "The one with two big wheels, Kylo."

"This?" he pulled out a big ass bag from under the bed.

"Yes," she nodded, picking on the skin of her elbows. Her hands itched for that small chisel and scraper. "Give me." I had been so long… "Give, here."

He observed her scratching ferociously a straight set of lines for all those days she had missed. Her brow was furrowed and her hands worked with the dexterity he couldn't but admire. She bit her lip and didn't see or hear anything but the placating sound of her tools.

"There," Rey sighed in relief as she wiped the dust from the last one. "Thank you." She handed the tools back.

"You're welcome." He said, but in secret kind of worried about her obsession. Now that she had her fix, her hands rested neatly folded in her lap.

She wrinkled her nose."Do I smell – flowers?"

"I mean…uhm."Kylo raked through his hair. "Whatever." He spun nervously and Rey laughed into his broad back. "Can't do anything fricking nice for once," he muttered.

"Kylo," she chortled, her chuckle dying out. "Kyyylooo, come here." She gave him her hand.

He took it and sat on the covers next to her. Rey looked down. He had held her hands hundred times before, but not like this. He put hers on top of his, and gingerly covered it with his second palm, locking her in like a fragile butterfly.

Rey's eyes couldn't look away. "I'm sorry." She sighed all of a sudden. "I'm sorry I caused this to you."

"What? It wasn't your fault. These things, "he stated massaging her hand between his. "That useless fuck of a healer said it can happen. There was no cause."

"I…I went out at night." She reddened.

"Why?"

"I wanted to, ehm, see the stars from the main deck."

"Silly," he kissed that hand he cherished so much.

Rey pulled it away. Her face bore a painful expression. "I think the Force is broken in me. I was calling you when I felt sick, I was. I couldn't reach you."

"It's not the Force. I closed the bond because I was so pissed at you. So, if anyone should feel sorry, it's me." _And believe me, I fucking do._ He was gazing at her face, more sunken than before, but no less gorgeous. A look of worry crossed it.

"Kylo, what happened to that man who captured me? You didn't kill him, did you?"

"Of course not. He's reassigned to the training program until I see fit. He'll never set foot on one of my destroyers."

Rey grinned like a tooka cat. "Really? I'm glad to hear that. He didn't meant it, he was so nervous and just a wreck. And I really did break the rules, so."

 _Oh, Rey_ , he thought, watching her beam and speak when she thought he wasn't a monster. Who would have believed in him more than his… _your what, Kylo?_

 _Your what?_

"I want you to marry me." He blurted out.

Rey gasped, actually gasped as if a ball punched her in a chest. "What?"

 _Smooth, buddy._ "I mean – will you? If you wanna, I mean. It would be for the best if…like a document and such. For the galactic archives." He twiddled his thumbs, looking at his feet. "Official purposes. Legal reasons, and so and…I mean so the child can have a name. Not that he doesn't have one. But the legal purposes. " he kept spitting random snippets of gibberish, beetroot red.

"What?" She parroted incredulously.

"Forget it. I shouldn't stress you out now, the fuck of a healer said-"

"Forget the healer Kylo!" Rey grabbed his arm, and he couldn't tell if she was angry, eager, or both. "Yes. I mean – if you ask it like you're supposed to."

"What, this wasn't good enough?"

Rey rolled her eyes and straightened her back. "No. This is not how you're supposed to do it."

"I used words, didn't I? I can mime it to you if you want and-" He kept jabbing her with puns, but Rey heard his thoughts through their Force bond. They made her heart clinch. His self-worth and doubt walked hand in hand. _What If she says no? Who would want to be tied to Ren, a killer of the First Order? I shouldn't have asked her, I shouldn't even think about it._

Rey threw herself at him playfully, and he caught her lithe body in his arms. "Careful, careful. You're not supposed to do that!" She felt so weightless, even seven months pregnant and Kylo didn't like it one bit. She would have to rest and eat now, nothing else.

Kylo climbed to bed properly. He sat her across his lap, her legs were swaying in the air and he supported her back. Her head was resting against his chest.

"It would have to be in secret, though, you know that. Just a droid and us."

"I know."

"And you're fine with that?"

"Yes. I have two most important people with me. Of course I don't need anything else." Rey patted her belly.

 _Family…_ she would have a family that would be her own! A real one, someone who loved her and she could talk to the stars in the galaxy and say "I have a family. My husband, my son. They are my family and I am theirs." Tears of happiness sprung in her eyes and she buried her face into the crook of Kylo's neck.

"You," he chuckled, holding her close. He felt a surge of something so deep and fulfilling from her, more than love he thought he knew. "Are those happy tears?"

She nodded.

"Then it's good." Kylo brushed his lips over hers, so softly he might have imagined it. No, he tasted her. She kissed him back, taking his full lips between hers, parting them and getting lost in him. This kiss felt like their first. He intertwined their tongues passionately, leading her in and out in a rhythmical tempo, purring into her just as she was into him.

Their hands met on top of her bump, and in that moment, Kylo and Rey and their son became one. _A family_ , he thought, skimming her tongue with his, feeling her warm texture as he tilted her head to access her deeper. He would have a family he had wanted, a family that _chose_ him, unlike Han and Leia.

They shipped Ben Solo away.

They left him to his only friend in the dark, Snoke.

They left him alone in long nights, desperate to sleep.

He imagined an ocean.

He imagined an island.

And then, twenty years later, he met a feisty scavenger who imagined it, too. Their dreams intersected; their lives were lived as one ever since he carried her on Takodana. The Force guided her to him and Kylo Ren kissed the only embodiment of happiness he had ever known.

He broke the kiss, just to brush his knuckles on her cheek. "I have something for you." Rey blinked dazedly, still unable to process everything.

"Gods…Eli!" she screamed and Kylo winced at the shrill of her voice. "What? How?"

Her droid friend strutted into the chambers and Rey covered her mouth. "Miss, it is so good to see you. My protocol has never been the same since we parted ways. It is my honor and privilege to serve you once again." Eli spoke in her robotic voice, her bent arms moving up and down unnaturally, but typical for a humanoid droid. Her armor shone brand new, as if someone put her together again.

Kylo was watching Rey's reaction and he couldn't be more proud of himself. He had sent Phasma to Corellia to scrape and salvage whatever parts of this droid were left, and bring it to him. "I don't care if they're scattered across the entire Coronet. This LI- 23 unit must be retrieved and brought to me at once."

"Yes, sir. I will not disappoint you." Phasma said.

And she didn't.

Kylo made a mental note to thank her later. Rey waddled from the bed and poked and touched the droid, as if it were a human. The two of them began chatting about nonsense that Kylo successfully tuned out. He leaned on the bedpost, crossed his arms and stared at Rey, just being, but being alive and happy and his.

Rey had so much catching up to do but she felt tired beyond imagining. She dismissed the droid and crawled back to bed, snuggling up to Kylo. "I knew you didn't clean the quarters. The flowers were too much, even for you."

He smirked. "I had help, yes."

"Is that supposed to be my wedding gift, then?" Rey traced circles on Kylo's chest.

"Yes and no. I thought more like a birthday present."

She pulled back, looking at him with wide eyes. "Birthday present? I… I don't have a birthday."

"No," he propped himself to face her. "That's the problem. You know what day it is today?" he bit his lip in expectation.

She shook her head.

"Today marks the one year since we met." He said proudly, as if meeting her was his biggest achievement.

 _A year?_ Rey couldn't believe it. "You meant on the _Finalizer_?"

"No, when I first saw you in the forest on Takodana. So, I figured that we could make this your birthday."

"I…"Rey felt a warm, nice liquid spread across her chest. "I never had one. I don't know when I was born, or where."

"Exactly. So, I hereby declare this day as your official birthday from now on. And kinda the engagement day."

"And the day you brought Eli back," She laughed.

"That too," he looked down on her, and brought her up for a kiss. "Happy birthday, Rey."

"Thank you." She kissed him back, afraid that she would burst of happiness; afraid that this wasn't real and if it was, it was too good to be true and destined to fail. She clutched his robes, holding onto him for dear life. _I won't let go,_ she thought. Neither would he.

* * *

 **A/N So, you ranted at me for the last chap xD I fully expect the same amount of ... what is the opposite of a rant? I guess you can still rant but about the positives of this. Rey's nearly death HAD TO happen so Kylo could finally realize quite a few important things, people. So, yeah. It will now progress in an unexpected way, kind of a new, different perspective in their relationship. BUT Snoke and the Order are still here and the baby isn't born yet, so... *opens a new word* and *starts typing***


	24. Chapter 24

**Serenissimo**

* * *

Kylo was standing obediently under the large hologram throne. Every exhale wafted into the cold mist, twirling around and disappearing into a cloud of gray nothing. He heard the voice before affronted by the presence of his master.

"What news, Master of the Knights of Ren?"

Kylo carefully weighed his words. He lost focus. Dripping water from the wall of icicles distracted him. His own pulse distracted him. "Kitel Phard has fallen. The Regis battalion has overtaken the colonies in the core."

"Hmm," Snoke finally entered the holo and sat down, no less regal than Kylo remembered. "Is that general Hux's battalion?"

"Yes, Supreme Leader."

"I have no interest in Hux. I want to know about your successes, Ren, " he steepled his fingers, "or your failures. Speak."

Kylo craned his head to look him in the eye, something he never had to do in any circumstances. He was always the tallest men among the others. " Interdictor is almost combat ready for the Gorman attack. I just need few more days for preparations of my troops. The attack will be two forked, led by-"

"Gorman colony, isn't that east of the system Hux took? Why venture into the expansion regions, when you haven't subdued the colonies yet? You are distracted, my apprentice. I sense great turmoil in you." He bore his cataract laden eye into Ren's face.

"I thought that Gorman could open the Kessel run for our starfleet. We wouldn't have to dock on backwater planets to refuel and restock." Kylo said arrogantly, as if forgetting whom he was speaking to.

"You thought? Do you want to know what I think? I know that you're reaching into vast regions to steer attention away from Jakku, that miserable barren junkyard. Why would you do that, I wonder?"

Kylo wouldn't avert his gaze. Snoke's booming voice was mocking him, he knew. "Supreme Leader, I have forgotten Jakku altogether. I wouldn't be reminded of my failures there."

"Have you? No, no I don't think so." Snoke stretched one of his sinewy, rotting fingers and pointed it at him. Kylo fought not to close his eyes in agony. He felt the Force gnawing at him, ripping him apart like vicious teeth. "You are being reminded of Jakku daily. I see the desert wasteland and a figure standing in the distance. I see it, her hair flowing in the arid wind, and she is holding a child. I think you are more interested in Jakku than you're telling me."

"Agh," Kylo hissed, when the throbbing in his skull multiplied. He showed a sign of weakness – and Supreme Leader didn't tolerate weaknesses. "No, I serve the Order. I serve you, my master." He fell to his knees, red droplets of his blood stained the ice.

"You serve yourself first." Snoke spat. "Have I not given you everything? Have I not taken you as my own, when your abhorrent mother abandoned you? Have I not been a merciful father to you, when Han Solo feared your abilities?"

"Y-yes, Supreme Leader."Kylo heaved. Suddenly, a vision came to him, the one which Snoke had planted and extracted only twice in his training; always to subdue his padawan. Six years old Ben Solo was crunching behind the commode in a nice, large house. He covered his ears.

"No, Han. I don't think this can wait. I have duties in the senate, you know. The new republic-"

"Oh yes, the republic. Tell me something I haven't heard before. I can't just drop everything and fail the order. This isn't Kessel princess, the Hydian way takes three times more time and I just can't be the one who-"

"Oh no, you never are. I can't take him to the senate, Han. Be reasonable.

"Me? I am supposed to be the reasonable one?"

"Yes!"

Ben heard boots stomping and his parents entered the room.

"You're always like this. You're always undermining me and think that my job isn't as important as yours, Leia."

"That's because it isn't. Your spices and loot can wait, but the bill I have to pass in the upper chamber is crucial to the reconnaissance of the non-sentient species in the outer rim and I-"

"By all the fucking droids in the galaxy, can you hear yourself? This is your son, not a puppet."

"He's your son too, you bastard! How convenient to forget it from time to time. If it were up to you, I should send him to Luke, right? You would have him off the moment he started showing his powers in the Force."

Ben heard something clink and the clangor made him shudder. He slicked his unruly black mane down on his ears. Maybe if he put hair in it, he wouldn't hear. He might have been a small boy, but he knew they were arguing about him. He must have been a bad boy, then. He sniveled.

"Put it down, you idiot. That's a commemorative bust of Kerell the Second, the founder of-"

BAM.

"Now it's a nice pile of rubbish, just like your republic will be without you, right? Because it will crumble when great Leia Organa misses one session in the senate, right?"

Ben closed his eyes. The boots thudded dangerously close to him and he could see the outlines from the narrow strait under the furniture.

"I hate you!"

"No sweetheart, I hate you first."

"Stop it, mommy, daddy." Ben sprang up from behind the commode. "Stop fighting!" His little fists were balled just like Kylo Ren's would be in the future. He stomped and his face got upturned in an expression between pain and guilt. Suddenly, mighty lightning cut the ceiling in half, scorching the walls, the furniture and ending up in the plush carpet. All three Solos were thrown from the blast site, luckily no one seriously harmed.

Ben didn't want to do that. He was wailing like a devil when crying Leia scooped him in her arms and Han ran to start the Falcon with a bleeding rift in his chin. "I didn't wanna, mommy."

"It's all right, Ben. It's not your fault. I know you didn't mean it." She pressed him against her chest, startled and still in shock."Uncle Luke will know what to do. He will know how to control the Force in you."

"What's a Force, mommy?"

Leia's blotched; terrified face was the last thing Kylo had seen before icy walls encumbered him again. He was lying on the side; his cheek abraded and burning from the contact with the permafrost. He scraped his gloved fingers against the ground, shaking.

Snoke was gone.

The sun was gone.

It was dark and even colder. Kylo scrambled to his feet. He couldn't catch a breath. He bent over and rested his hands on his knees, breathing in and out, loudly, in shallow gusts of barely deserved air. "Ugh, no, no," he recited, and his breathing sounded more like battle cries than a plea for oxygen.

He ignited his lightsaber and thrust it into the thick ice block on which he stood. It started melting, rippling like a disturbed surface of a lake, turning to water which curled around Kylo's ankles. He knelt at the base of the cross sword, as if it were a blade of destiny, a shrine he would worship.

The heat calmed him. Red glow felt nice. The sound of water stilled his fractured mind. He wiped damp strands of hair from his face, kneeling on his hinds and trying to absorb as much heat as he could from the crackling blade spewing fire. But the fire couldn't silence his thoughts. Snoke had seen her. He had seen her on Jakku with a child that had not been born yet.

"If you were sane, you would keep her and the kid as far away from you as possible. If you wanted her to live, you would ship her to the other side of the galaxy, unnamed, unconcerned, a mother of a boy with no father. If you weren't a selfish bastard, you wouldn't want to wake up next to her on a star destroyer, the bane of the galaxy, the bane of free peoples and the good she believes in. If, if, if…"

And on top of it all, she would scold him for the exact same things. And he would defend himself, but it was a false defense, the one he didn't believe in. If she said it, he would deny. If she wanted to go, he would tighten his leash. Only when his awakened consciousness clawed at him would he admit these bitter truths; and consider parting ways with a woman he loved more than Force itself.

…

Kylo pushed the door button on the gadget to access their quarters. He looked like shit. He felt even worse, but the first thing he did instead of a shower was to check on Rey. She was sleeping with that old clunker of a droid by her feet. Kylo snapped his fingers and motioned to the droid to leave the room. Once Eli marched away, he slid under covers and spooned behind her.

He took a deep breath. Her hair tickled his nose, but he didn't mind. She smelled like home; nurturing and sweet after soap and bed sheets. Soft skin of her neck was calling to him and Kylo being the selfish bastard he was, couldn't resist. He kissed one spot, then another, lower and lower till she stirred.

"Hey," Rey turned and met his gaze. Her eyes widened. "Are you all right? What happened to you?" She brushed the hair from his pale face.

"It's nothing. I'm fine, just a bit of bad weather. Don't worry." He snuggled to her, just wanting to be close.

 _Nothing my ass_. She felt it. Something was wrong, but Rey didn't live a year with the king of repressed emotions and anger to provoke him now. He would spill, but she had to direct him to it. "I've finally charted Maryx Minor," she whispered, stargazing into his eyes just as she would into the actual heavens. She took up astrology out of boredom, but then she grew to love the art.

"The one you couldn't find?" he wrapped his arms around her and the tips of their noses almost touched.

"Yes. It was that third constellation in the west, the one you claimed was just a nebula. Well, it wasn't." She said proudly.

"I never said I was a star expert."

"No? I would have thought that only a star expert could command a star destroyer."

Kylo planted a feathery kiss on her nose. "No, the exact opposite. The stars are hiding from me. They know I would destroy them if I found them."

 _Ah, so we're getting somewhere_ , Rey thought, still being showered by the softest of his kisses.

"No one is hiding from you. You know that right?"

"Uhmmm."

"The stars are all there, you just have to know how to read them. You don't give up. It took me weeks to spot that constellation, but not because I was bad at it. I just didn't have the right lens to see. You don't give up, though." Rey whispered into his parted lips. "You never give up. _We_ never give up."

Kylo kissed her, finally drinking in her sweet, precious taste. He felt her heartbeat in those lips, her goodness and will to accept whatever burden he had carried home and share it with her. He wouldn't, of course.

He couldn't.

But at that moment when their lips met and she let him just be and lie next to her; she did more than she had known. He rolled over her and directed most of his weight on his elbows. He had to be careful after what had happened, but maybe he could steal another kiss, feel another heartbeat.

Rey saw him staring intently above her, not feeling one muscle she was so used to. Her bump separated them in physical, but he was there, right in her aura, looking at her with those eyes reserved only for when they were alone.

He brushed her collarbone. "Are they still there? The bruises from the surgery?" he kissed it.

"Yes, but that ointment works. It just takes time."

"Tell the clunker to apply it though, don't forget." He said, concerned.

"Eli, not a clunker." Rey huffed. "I know, Kylo. I'm not five. I can take my medicine just fine." She plowed her fingers in his disheveled hair. "I'll draw you a bath. You need one."

Kylo smirked. "Are you telling me I'm dirty?"

"Yes – obviously you're dirty, otherwise I wouldn't say you need a ba-" Rey bit her lip when she finally read his smug expression and realized her was pulling her leg. "You're impossible."

"I know."

Rey waddled to the bathroom and sat on the edge of the massive tub fit for a regiment. She began drawing a bath. She felt silly, not catching that double entendre of his, but with a belly size of a globe and greasy hair and a nice zit forming under her jaw, she didn't feel like a sexy siren ready to be seduced. Being pregnant was _not_ fun. It was the opposite of fun. Pregnant women stood at the end of the line where fun went to wither and die.

She splashed the water, pouring scented oils of lavender and orange peels into it. Soon, enticing smells filled the entire bathroom. Kylo walked in and started discarding his sooty robes. Off went the outer one, the tunic and boots, and Rey was watching him with bathed breath.

She had forgotten how beautiful he was.

They hadn't slept together for weeks, maybe months – certainly not since her collapse. He wouldn't have it, even though the medi droid said it was not a problem, after they operated on her. But he never went further than a kiss, maybe something more, but hardly called making love. Rey understood, but she felt lonely and not used to this lack of physical contact with him.

She observed him unwrapping his arm bands, one by one, revealing his bulging muscles. He looked paler still, under the dim bathroom lights. He removed the last wrap and flexed his bicep, and Rey almost slipped and splashed into the water. "Now you're just plain mean."

"Huh?" his head spun at her.

 _Shit_. Did she say it out loud? "I mean," she coughed. "Now, you're just teasing me, aren't you?"

"Teasing?" Kylo asked, tugging on the waistband of his pants. "I don't know what you're talking about," he smirked and unzipped the fly.

That sound spread a warm pool between her legs. And then, he was completely naked and ambled towards the bathtub. Rey gaped unceremoniously at the V-shape of his abdomen, the dark trail of hair which descended down to even denser patch, and then, she took in his cock, the part of him she would die to feel right now.

The sheer size of his body surprised her every time she saw him like that. Kylo didn't seem affected by her ravenous stares and climbed into the tub, sighing at the divine feeling of nice, hot water.

 _I should go, fuck, I shouldn't ogle him like a ham._ Rey didn't move an inch from her spot at the edge of the tub. Hmmm, nice ham, her mouth watered and she slapped her forehead because these pregnancy cravings were just ridiculous. Kylo chuckled – he had read her thoughts through the Force ever since he entered the bathroom. Rey's muddled brain didn't even register. He craned his head and dipped down, submerging his hair in the water – and she lost it.

Rey darted up from the edge, but before she could blink, Kylo's mighty arm pulled her in.

"No, noooo, gods, stars, what the hell are you doing you oaf," she wiped the foam from her eyes and spluttered.

"Oaf? I thought I was a ham like a minute ago." He laughed when she splashed a good handful of water at him.

"You're rude, you know. I never listen to your private thoughts."

"Private? You were basically screaming inside my head, dripping wet over me taking off the clothes, darling."

Her drenched pajamas became translucent, and this time, it was Kylo who couldn't look away. Her nipples pebbled against the top, and plump, round breasts were just inviting him. He pulled her closer and caressed her neck, gliding down to her full breast, cupping it under the wet fabric.

Rey bit her lip and moaned. He watched her attentively, kneading them in his hands, so full and engorged from the pregnancy. _Fuck yes,_ he had never seen her so ample, and his cock twitched dangerously under water.

"Oh, oh," Rey sighed, totally lost in whatever he would be willing to do with her. Kylo quickly took down her top and threw it over the tub. It landed with a wet splash. The oils permeated the air and enticed their senses. Vapors were rising from the water, so hot and nice against Rey's spine which ached continuously as she got bigger.

"Fuck, you're gorgeous." He started sucking on her nipples, licking them in circles, kissing her tits as if he had never tasted anything like that before. Rey crossed her legs around his waist and locked her arms around his neck.

He felt her bump against him, and fuck him if it didn't arouse him even more. There was something dirty about her body carrying his seed, his son who belonged to him just as much as she did. Rey barely computed her movements and thoughts. She looked at him, trying to plead with her eyes to go on and try more. She wiggled out of her pajama bottoms.

"We can't." he cupped her cheek.

"You don't want to?" Rey kissed his shoulder. Once Kylo felt her teeth graze his muscle, his breath hitched.

"Feel how much I don't want to." He grabbed her hand and brushed it against his rock hard cock, painfully throbbing for release that would never come. "But we can't. You know we can't, it's just the hormones making you woozy."

Rey whimpered like a discontent child. She straddled him, his erection pressing against her pubic bone. Kylo's neck tendons bulged. _Fuck, shit, don't, no, no._ Rey began sliding against his length; taking him in between her outer folds. Her pussy sucked him in like a perfect fit, and the water made the movements slick and easy.

"Yes, oh yes," she gripped the sides of the tub and Kylo clutched her waist, helping her up and down. He was counting stars and breaths because he didn't want to come just from three slides of her delicious, wet pussy. He didn't even feel her inside, and he was almost done.

"Hmm, Rey – no, you…" he gritted his teeth. "Oh, shit." She enclosed her palm around his cock and started tugging up and down, twisting around the hilt, all while planting slobbering, wet kisses onto his mouth.

He pried her lips aggressively and forced his tongue in, licking and fighting her for more pleasure and more of her. She didn't have to work too hard, because in a few more tugs of her hand, his hips jerked forward and he came, spurting and moaning into the kiss, biting her lips. He wouldn't get any points for endurance, but he couldn't care less. This was more of her than he had gotten in weeks, and he wouldn't push it.

"Fuck, babe you're just vicious, you know that?" He kissed her neck, trying to come up with a plan to make her feel good, but at the same time not hurt the baby. Rey smoothed his slick, doused hair and rested against his chest while he floated them both in the water. "It's fine. I know we can't. I just… I miss you."

"Not as much as I miss you. It's the truth. Why do you think I spend so much time in the bathroom every morning, huh?" he bit her earlobe playfully, while his hands roamed her back.

"I don't know. To stare at your pretty face in the mirror?"

"You think I'm pretty?"

"Yes."

"Even my big ears?" Kylo switched to a 'man needs ego boost' mode and Rey chortled. "It's the ears that sealed the deal for me, didn't you know?"

Stars, how he adored her. They just bathed afterwards, him massaging her bruises with that special ointment medi droids gave her. He turned her back on him and smeared the oils into her smooth skin. He kissed each spot after the oils seeped in. Then, he washed her hair, letting her rest against him; her head leaned into his chest. He was massaging her scalp and Rey moaned, as if he ate her out. Kylo smirked at her need for his touch. He had it easy; what with the regularly scheduled morning jerk off while picturing her tight pussy around him. Rey, she had it rough. Their love was always physical, no matter their deep bond and strong feelings. And they missed it both.

Kylo pulled her out of the tub only when he kissed her pruny fingers and laughed that she'd be shriveled like a fig if they wouldn't get out.

He wrapped her in the large towel and swayed her to bed, waddling behind her just like she did. Rey was never fat. Fat was a construct she couldn't comprehend, what with her quarter portion a day. She would sooner count all the grains of sand in desert than times she had fainted on Jakku because of the malnutrition. This globe in front of her now made her clumsy as hell, and she hit the furniture and everyone in her path.

"I guess I know why they call it a bump," she cursed, massaging her side after she greeted the tip of the bed with it.

Kylo ordered the staff droid to bring them supper and just teased Rey, sprawled on the bed, the activity he loved the most. Well – second most, after fucking her sensless. He shook his head, trickles of water staining their silky sheets. He couldn't think about that with her now, but Rey's sucking on the sliced pineapple didn't help one bit.

"So," Kylo chewed on the steak. "I've been thinking."

"Oh gods, oh here comes." Rey wiped her chin. "Finally. It took only a therapy session in bed and a bath with a handjob for you to open up."

"What?" He gaped at her.

"Nothing, nothing. Continue. I'm all ears." She smirked.

"Anyway, I was thinking that maybe you'd like to have the baby somewhere else than on this nasty ship."

"Like where?"

"Oh, I don't know. Some fine, warm planet in the expanse region. It would be yours. I would give it to you, as in governed by the First Order. You'd have everything you need – protection, comfort…"

Rey skipped over the insane fact that he had just offered her an _entire freaking planet_ ; and went straight for the jugular. "You don't want me here."

"Of co-"

"Because something happened, right? That's why you came home like a wet puppy and all beaten and…" look of panic crossed her face and she put away the utensils. "Tell me."

Kylo rehearsed this on his way back to the _Interdictor_. He mimicked her every possible reaction in his head and answers to it. He remained cool as a cucumber, buying time and chewing the veal five minutes straight.

"Kylo, quit stalling." She put her hands on her hips and never looked funnier to him. But he bit his tongue and cleared his throat."You're not far from the truth. The political unrest in the galaxy is immense. Destroyer can be shipped away. We can be called on a mission who knows where. We could be stranded on a patrol in the Slaver's bay, in an asteroid belt without the way of contacting emergency." He started counting on his fingers. "We could be marooned on Chiss for weeks – you remember Chiss, right? Nice and cold, the ice cave where we fought and fucked?"

Rey pouted, gripping the sheets. "Oh, I remember, all right. Is that it?" she slanted her almond eyes and speared him.

"Yes. I just don't want you to lack provisions here, if we can avoid any problems just as easily."

Damn it. They reached an impasse.

Rey kept thinking hard how to stay on the ship. She still needed those charts and logs for the resistance. Her plan couldn't fail.

Kylo kept thinking how to get her out of here in peace. He still needed to protect her from Snoke's prying eyes and let her have the baby in utter anonymity. His plan couldn't fail.

"Well-"

"Well-"

They both spoke at once. Rey went first. "I wish you told me the truth. Then, I'll go."

He crossed his arms. "Yeah, well same goes for you. Tell me why you want to be here – and don't say because of me. I know you loathe the ship. You be honest with me, then we can try it your way."

Rey shuffled to the edge of bed and swayed her feet over. She felt offended, not because he had asked her to leave, but because he saw through her façade. And here she thought she was good at playing clueless. "I wanted to steal the travel logs of the _Interdictor_ and transmit to the resistance." She said in one hitched breath.

"What?" he yelled and surged out of bed. "I can't be hearing right. Are you insane? Are you…" he knelt in front of her and clasped her hands, maybe too harshly. "Do you have any idea what you might have done? So this –" Rey watched comprehension spread on his face.

"So this was all for the fucking resistance? You almost got killed because you wanted to play a spy?"

 _Ouch_. Skin on her hands colored red. It burnt. She didn't let out a sigh.

"Yes. You wanted the truth? Here's your truth. And before you lose it, I did it for you." Her eyes softened.

 _Fuck me_. She actually believed it, innocent Rey who just meddled where she wasn't supposed to. Kylo sighed. He wouldn't be mad at her because thank the fucking Mitaka for stopping her. "For me how?"

So, she told him everything. She told him about her fears of the resistance winning over the First Order, about the possibility of mercy if they had helped to spy, about the baby growing up parentless if they got killed. By the end, Kylo paled as a sheet of paper and forgot he was clasping her hands. Rey, on the other hand, felt it, but still let him be.

"The Order isn't gonna lose, Rey. So get all those grand schemes out of your head for good." He stood up, tossing her hands aside.

She followed him to the center of the chamber. "You're still defending them? After all they did? I understand you have to fight for them, but to actually believe that bullshit. I thought you were better than that." She sniffed.

"You can't have it both ways. You know what I am. You chose, so stop crawling back to the resistance. Do you even want to marry me?"

"How can you ask that?!You knew just as well who I was, Kylo, you knew all along so don't act surprised. I might jump in bed with you, but I'll never jump in bed with them. I hate the First Order. I hate that they took you and made you into…"

"Don't even go there. Don't you dare," he screamed. "I'm not a victim. I decided on my own."

"Then that's even worse. Are you blind? Can't you see that they'll kill you or you die in battle and leave me…leave _us_ ," she patted her big bump,' all alone? What am I gonna do then?"

"Oh, I'm sure the traitor will offer you a shoulder to cry on, and a nice, warm bed."

 _Shit_.

She looked as if he slapped her.

 _Shit._

All the color drained from her face. "You shouldn't have."

He tried to reach her, but she evaded him. "I know, Rey I'm so-"

"You shouldn't have." She wiped the tears with her fists. "I'm tired." She crawled back to bed and threw the covers over her.

Kylo sagged on the edge and grunted into his palms. "I didn't mean it. You know I didn't. This is hard for me. "

Rey cried silent tears and watched gray silk absorb them into a dark stain. She knew. Damn it, this was how their fight looked like after one year together, just prickly words and some shouting; while before, he was murdering healers and throwing stormtroopers out of the balcony. But it hurt her, so much that her insides twisted like a wet rag and her breath wouldn't leave her lungs. She loved him so much that she hated herself for it.

"I know." She said in a nasal voice, full of tears. "But I can't believe out of all stupid things you could throw at me, Finn is the one you actually did."

Kylo dared to crawl after her and hold her in his arms. "I fucking hate him. He did this, he defected and started the whole thing with the map to Skywalker and…he had you first."

"What?" she spluttered all over him."He didn't. We didn't, we never, how even…I…you know I never had anything with anyone before you."

Kylo closed his eyes, cursing the day he was born. He remembered very well who had been her first, and how he took her virginity, in the healing ward of the _Finalizer_ , making her feel used and loathed. He was a semantics wizard, real speaker. "I know. I didn't mean that. But he had you first, you two were thick as thieves and hadn't Starkiller split where it did, you might be carrying his child, not mine."

Well, fuck.

She was looking at his serene face and suddenly, she saw. He was so jealous and insecure about her. Insane, cancerous thoughts like these plagued him day and night. "Kylo, never. Do you hear me? You can't think about it like that. I cared about Finn as a friend, first person who cared about me. He came back for me, he saved my life. But there is only one man in the galaxy I would ever love. I know it, I…I feel it in the Force. You and I," she brought his palm closer and kissed it."We're meant to be. It's in the stars."

Kylo almost died from this gesture, so intimate and so kind. The woman he insulted minutes ago showed him kindness and tender love, and he didn't deserve any of it.

"So, we're back talking stars again, are we?"

"We're all made from them."

"I'm sorry for those words, it's inexcusable. I really am. I'm gonna say it." He said and Rey's dewy eyes twinkled.

"I'm listening."

"I love you, Rey Solo."

"I'm not yet."

"But you will be, soon."

"No Ren?"

"No Ren. That's not my name. It's a title and I bear it with pride, but my name is Solo."

"And so is mine, then." She kissed him and marveled at how far they got in those twelve tumultuous months; the time she wouldn't have exchanged for anything in the world.

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 **A/N *smirks* character development bitches xDD also, next update depends solely on how real life permits me, I'm in a bit of a bind here, so every comment motivates me going... I'm such a slut for your nice things you have to say about this that it motivates me through all the work shit I gotta complete. Gosh I'm so transparent, I'm not even hiding it XDD**


	25. Chapter 25

**Farewell**

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Rey was waiting in the main hangar for a shuttle. Formations of stormtroopers were crossing left and right, pilots were readying their TIE fighters and Rey just tried not to stand in anyone's way.

Her long, beige cloak clasped on her chest, and she kept her hands neatly folded on top of her bump. It called to her, wanted to be held, even if she would be much more useful loading her luggage. But Kylo wouldn't let her, so in the end, the stormtroopers wouldn't let her.

"Careful miss, here." One stormtrooper held her hand up the lowered ramp to the command shuttle. She waddled onto the main deck and sat down, eager to take off. Kylo wasn't travelling with her. Just as well, she thought and watched the massive star destroyer get smaller and smaller. The sheer size of that colossus never ceased to amaze her. She fashioned her hair into a chignon, held by a silver pin at the back. "I can afford to be… nice looking once in a while," she justified her frivolity. "Certainly for an occasion like this."

It still didn't feel right; when she had had to earn every damn bit of her portions her entire life. Nice things were a luxury. Shiny things didn't keep her fed; only the spare parts did. The shuttle jumped out of hyperdrive and a glorious, blue and green world had opened in front of Rey's eyes.

"What is this-"

Stormtrooper answered before she could finish. "Cerea, in the mid region; parsec away from the Corellian trade spire."

"Huh," Rey wrinkled her forehead. "We're not far from Takodana, then."

"No, miss. It's the nearest planet north-east of here."

 _What are you playing at, Kylo?_ He must have had a damn good reason to want her so close to the place where it all began. She tightened her cloak at the memory of Maz Kanata's castle being bombarded by the First Order. Kylo had already been waiting for her in a forest full of green, gnarly trees when they landed.

"Where are we?" Rey's head spiraled in circles as she took in the splendor of that place.

"You thought I would let you marry me on the star destroyer?"

"Why not? We've lived there for ages. It would be an appropriate ending."

"Well, consider this a new beginning, then." Kylo took her hand and led her to a tall, circular stone structure. It looked like an ancient citadel or a ritual place.

"Cereans were ruled by one dynasty ever since they invented hyperdrive. They don't mingle. Not even the Order ventures here, we just trade and let them be. It's a safe place, a planet with a lot of green and water, and best medi droids in the galaxy." He said.

"How do you know they're best?"

"Because I had them brought here for you." He supported her lower back as they climbed hundreds of spiraled stairs, up to the flat roof of the citadel. Rey still couldn't believe that she was going to be married to Kylo, here, on a planet where spring breeze played with her cloak and the air smelled like fruit cake. It seemed too good to be true. Once they got to the top of the tower, each got lost in their own minds. Kylo kept brushing his hair and pacing as they waited for the holy man to bind them. Rey couldn't bring herself to look at him. He was leaving. This was supposed to be an event, the happiest moment of her life, but his kiss tasted bitter on her lips, when she knew it was their last.

He wore not only his usual robes, but a strange armor on them. It looked hard and rough, black like an obsidian mirror and Rey saw her reflection in it. She let her tears fall when he paced off to the southern wall. Once he got back closer to her, she smiled and pretended she wasn't dying right now. Hundreds of white petals were raining from the sky. Rey saw it all; felt the scents and sunset of not one, but two luminous orbs in the distance. How could such a beautiful place hurt so much?

She experienced the best moments of her life on a star destroyer, a symbol of death for millions. And now, she would get the feel the most profound pain in a paradise. She clutched her chest, feeling funny all of a sudden. No, no, no – the reality set in. Kylo stood behind her and laid her hands on the stone block of the citadel. They were waiting, just gazing at the binary sunset on the horizon. Rey leaned into him.

"Are you going to get yourself killed, or is there a chance you'll come back?"

"A small one." He was honest with her, because why not? "We're taking back Kitel Phard and the resistance has acquired a new political ally, this military leader from another star system. They're powerful now."

"You're powerful." She felt him crane her neck and kiss her from behind. "You have the Force. That's power."

"Not everything can be fought through the Force." Kylo didn't tell her that the Force might be the thing that would cost him his life. If she started giving birth in the middle of a battle, he would feel it. He would know and be distracted. And she couldn't do anything about it, because the Force bond never ceased, not in pain or happiness of the other.

"I…" She spun and couldn't hide the tears overflowing her almond eyes anymore. "How can I help?"

Kylo kept staring at those two magnificent suns; balls of life an energy blazing forever in the emptiness of dark space. "You can help by being safe, here. As long as I know I don't have to worry about you, I'll be fine."

Wheezing old clergyman climbed the stairs and instructed them about the ceremony. They held hands and the Cerean holy man spoke the ceremonial vows. Kylo was looking into her eyes, nowhere else. Rey returned his gaze, so intense and uncomfortable at first, but she got used to it. It used to scare her those first months they had been together. Not now, not when she knew what lay simmering behind it. Not the intentions to sow fear, but a chance to get to see inside her very soul.

"And now, exchange the binding token of your choice, as is the holy tradition when a man binds a woman to him, and the woman agrees to be bound on her own will." The holy man's cap flapped into the purple folds of his cloak.

Kylo pulled out an object from his pocket. He opened Rey's palm and placed it inside.

She didn't expect anything, but what she saw took her breath away. "It's beautiful. Where did you get it?" The pendant looked hand carved, a square oblique shaped thing of beauty. Silver chain was brand new, but it surely had seen better days.

"It, ehm… it's a family heirloom." He disheveled his hair nervously, "Jappor snippet from an ivory wood growing on Tatooine. I thought you might like it. It's not fancy or anything."

Rey had never seen a jewel so worn out and yet refined. She eyed it carefully, and noticed initials carved in the back. "P&A – who are P and A?"

"No one. I'll get it rebranded later. It's yours now."

"I love it." She pressed it into her chest, enclosing her palms around it. "Thank you." Rey angled her neck towards him. Kylo gently swept her hair away and clasped the chain, peeking at the good luck charm falling on her ample breasts. He didn't mean to, but immediately pictured his grandmother wearing it once. She was said to have been beautiful beyond belief. He scoffed internally. No one could be more beautiful than Rey.

"And now, the Maker has seen fit to bless this union of Ben Organa Solo and Rey…" he crumpled his forehead and turned the scroll upside down. "Ehm, the family name of the bride seems to be missing."

"No, it's not. Continue." Kylo fumed when he noticed painful flash cross Rey's features. _Fucking prick, he'll pay._ Rey's missing parents was one sensitive topic Kylo would avoid that day.

"Very well. Bless the union of Ben Organa Solo and Rey in holy matrimony. What is bound can not be unbound. What is joined, only the Force can sever. You are hereby joined in the Force, on this earth, in the eyes of the Maker and the Cerean holy council. May the stars shine on your union and bless you. May the Force be with you both, and your offspring." He added when he stared down Rey's bump good naturedly.

Rey and Kylo's hands intertwined and Eli handed the datapad to the holy man who signed some forms and gave his handprint. "Well, kiss your lovely bride, young man." He teased.

Kylo slowly turned his head and one look made the man shut up. Rey chuckled. Kylo would have rather composed a sonata for Eli than kiss her in front of this clergyman; and she didn't mind. She went into this wedding as a formality, for the good of the baby. She loved him and she knew he would show it in his way, which certainly didn't include smooches in front of a prying old fool and the droid he couldn't stand.

"This is it, then?" Rey held onto his arms when the old man left them alone. "This is goodbye, huh?"

"It's just for a little while."

"I don't know if I can do this on my own." Her big eyes implored. "I know I can't. What if something happens? What if I die in labor?"

"You won't die."

"But what if I will? How is he gonna get to you? Will someone take care of him until you come?"

Kylo caressed the pendant on her neck. "It's not going to happen. You're just nervous. It's understandable, but don't talk about it. Don't even think about it, please."

"I know you're used to having everything bend to your will, Kylo – but this is beyond your control, beyond mine. I just want to be ready, if…"

"Rey," his eyes softened. Unmistakable sadness settled inside them, orbiting that yellow circle around his irises; the one which colored them honey and amber in the sea of dark. "You can't guilt me into staying. I have to go."

"That's not what I was doing." She pouted. "I'm not stupid. I survived on my own, pains and broken bones, I don't need you here, if you're needed elsewhere."

 _Oh, babe._ He pulled her closer, feeling her bump between them. "I'll feel it. I will know in the Force when the time comes and I will be with you."

"Yes, but you won't see him first. I wanted you to see him first and…" she buried her head into his chest, suddenly loving those coarse robes.

Kylo rested his chin on top of her head. "You will see him for the both of us and that is enough for me. I know you'll describe him to me to the last freckle on his nose." He whispered.

"How do you know he'll have freckles?"

"You have them, don't you? I bet he's a spitting image of you. It's genetics, the better half always prevails."

"No," she sniveled as she heard the ship engines revving in the distance. "I'll be thinking about you every night, all the time. I will tell him about you. I swear," she looked at him, her face shining from the tears both unshed and those strewn across her face. "Yours will be the first name he hears from me. You'll be the first voice he knows." Rey patted her pocket with a holo record of Kylo.

He thought it silly to have Rey record him as he talked to a non-existent idea of a baby. But he did it – for her, because she insisted. Secretly, his chest swelled when he pictured that his son might see only this holo of the father he wouldn't ever know. After all, Kylo was marching to nothing else than an inferno, a promise of certain death, while promising her the return back.

"I believe you." He kissed her forehead gently. "I have to go, they're waiting for me."

Rey's chest started rising and falling fast, as if she ran a marathon and couldn't catch a breath. If he died, she would feel it in the Force. She would lie the baby to sleep, and then, follow him right there, into the unknown. That was killing her most – her weakness and love for him. Not even their son might be enough to keep her from succumbing to grief. How does one split a coin in two? How does a whole survive when the fate rips it into two halves? Because that was what they were; two halves unable to exist apart, only together.

He leaned closer and whispered something in her ear. She closed her eyes. Beads of accumulated tears fell down, further down her neck, staining that necklace from him. Kylo spoke in words she hadn't heard from him ever before.

"… ever gave me a chance in my life. If it wasn't for you…"

Ever new one twisted the dagger deeper. She tried so desperately to feel his breath on her skin. She was rubbish in saving all there was about this moment, damn it.

She wanted it, so, so much… to sear every detail into her memory. How his thumb brushed circles on her knuckles. How he had to bow down to speak because he was tall – but how tall? She suddenly got mad she had never measured that height. She breathed in the scent of his hair among the sobs, because what if she'd never get to feel them again?

"… before anyone loved you, accepted you. You are…"

His words kept flowing… gods how she didn't want to listen. Didn't he believe in himself? Why was he saying goodbye like this? He had fought many battles and this one... it felt different, him telling her _that_ , and not being skittish about it.

"… and you gave me that, you gave me more. You don't know how much I…"

And this was him, all him, the man she had tied her life with; the monster forcing a kiss on her on Starkiller base; and she had felt sorry for him, even then, those moments in the snow when they both waited for certain death trying to fill the void of solitude by each other's company. Bless that fear of a scavenger and a monster. No one wanted to face death alone. Now, they would face the life together.

"… you'll be the best mother to him he could ever wish for. If I don't come back, there are accounts in…"

Rey stood on her tiptoes, till their cheeks touched and she not only heard, but felt. How grateful she was that the Starkiller had split up where it did. Her entire happiness depended on that precipice, rifting the earth and trapping them both on the same side. Had it not, she would have left him for death and ran to the _Falcon_ , ran and never looked back. The stars, the fate, the Force or the galaxy wanted them together and now, he was leaving and speaking those words to her, all while the shuttle opened and their hair started to fly in the strong wind.

"… never forget it, never forget what you are to me. No matter where you are, no matter how far. Take this, it's the travel logs of _Interdictor_ you so desperately wanted. If I'm gone, go to the resistance and give them these. Make up a lie how I forced you to stay. Tell them you were a victim and that you didn't agree with anything. You'll be spared then, I'm sure."

Rey lost it, there and then. She just cried, feeling the tears burning her skin, actually burning because they came from the heated core of her heart. _Never_ ; she would never sell him out. If he went down, they would go down together, as a family, as _one._ But she kept her mouth shut not to distract him further.

He finished the love confession turned to a eulogy, mourning the time they wouldn't spend together. She was hoping for weeks at most, but he knew better.

He knew things she didn't and never would. He knew that she had eight freckles at the ridge of her nose. He knew how her hair smelled in the morning and how her eyes slanted when she was thinking hard; often about him and if it was all worth it, not fighting for the resistance and letting the Order win.

He knew how she loved her coffee and how many times she scratched that freaking wall. It was three hundred sixty eight scratches since they had met; and he watched her mark almost all of them. He knew she was terrified beyond belief, not of the labor but for him; that he would never come back to her and the baby. Yet, he knew she wouldn't admit it so he would walk away focused and not worrying about her.

He knew it all, he knew his wife and he would fight and kill thousands not to make her a widow. But he knew better, damn it and that terrified him in return.

"I won't."

"Promise me."

"I won't. I promise." She couldn't take it anymore and crashed into his lips, those beautiful lips that had told her beautiful things she had already known.

He cradled her head in his hand, the other one wound around her neck and kissed her. He skimmed her hair, he felt the softness of her embrace and then, he broke the kiss and walked away. He turned abruptly, taking long, hard strides to the shuttle. He didn't turn back. He didn't look at her. She wouldn't want him to. He had a mission ahead, even though he was bleeding for what he left behind.

And he was fucking bleeding, all right.

The Force trembled and wailed, and he wouldn't lift a boulder now, if it depended on it. What padawans could do, he wouldn't, not when he left her behind. The shuttle door sealed and he put on his mask, and only then allowed himself to cry in silence; when no one could blame the monster for having human feelings. A human couldn't walk into the battle where he was headed. A human wouldn't slaughter other humans, only a creature in mask would. And he cried all the way to the atmosphere; and once the shuttle jumped to hyperdrive, he no longer felt Rey in the Force.

And that was a feeling worse than death.

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 **A/N Penultimate chapter is here. One more and we're done, friends. Thank you for reading and commenting, you rock.**


	26. Chapter 26

**Come to me, oh whispering sea**

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 **OK READ FIRST before you start reading. This isn't the last chapter. I know, I said it would be, but this just sort of happened as I started writing, so it's not the last one. And I even composed that poem inside *pouts* OK, carry on. Enjoy the chapter and thank you for comments for this emotional slaughter I'm providing, you're real troopers people**

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The earth on Starkiller base split.

Rey didn't have time to ponder the fact or marvel at the turn of events. She hefted her still glowing lightsaber, casting azure glow on her terrified face. She was safe. The beast wasn't there with her. He was staring at her from the opposite side of the gorge, massive enough to swallow cities whole.

She felt it. She felt _him_ , calling to her, whispering pleas of mercy followed by angry outbursts. "I will kill you, scavenger. I will find you and finish you one day, even if I have to rip the galaxy apart to do it."

Rey turned off the saber and ran to Finn, ran and never looked back.

Parsecs away from now non-existent Starkiller base, Rey woke up from a nightmare to an ordeal of her crying son. She grappled the sheets, not disoriented as much as tired. She had had the same dream over and over; the one where her life with Kylo never happened. The planet split and tore them apart. Rey turned on the night light and wiped her swollen eyes.

"I'm coming, Ben. I'm going, mommy's right there." She directed her cold feet to her slippers on the fourth try and got out of bed. Her actions were mechanic. She bowed down and picked up her son, brought him to her breast and started feeding. He latched onto her on the first try, and she sat, her eyes closing, knowing that she had a good five minutes of silence for herself.

But then – the problem was that she had a good five minutes of silence for herself. Her hand supporting the baby's head started shaking. "No, no," she took a deep breath. She knew what would come if she was left to her thoughts. After all, she had had three whole months to figure it out.

Kylo never came back.

And she didn't feel him in the Force ever since he left. Her childbirth wasn't easy, but she had help she needed. She had a nice house at the lake shore, in the emerald woods, with a home made fence. She owned droids and airspeeder; she made friends and women in Uzgul, the village she had ended up in, were all very friendly.

They didn't know.

Oh, if they only knew.

As far as they were concerned, this young, new mother was waiting for her soldier husband, but an employee of some military unit in the outer reaches. Rey heard the baby coo contentedly as he drank her milk. She stared into the dimly lit bedroom; at the wall, seeing nothing. Ben let go of her sore nipple and she got up and started pacing the room to burp him. Rey felt his head on her shoulder, but didn't look at him. She couldn't. Every time she saw his face, she saw what she had lost.

The baby started wailing and Eli strutted into the room. "Miss, do you want me to take young Master Solo? I can take care of him if you want to sleep."

"No, Eli, thank you. This looks like one of the big ones. We know only one thing will calm that storm," Rey smiled tiredly and sent Eli away. She couldn't hear herself think through the myriad of wails her beloved son produced. Set of lungs – those were Kylo's, no doubt about that. She sat on her bed and pulled out a holo record.

"Shhh, Ben, shhhh, don't cry. Please, please don't cry. Here, I know what you want. Here, well? What is it? Whaaat is this?" she seemed to have captured baby's attention with the bright, red holo and positioned it on the bed. She leaned the baby closer and Ben, without ever knowing what he was doing, swatted the pyramid with his pudgy hand. It started glowing blue and gray; and in that second, Rey felt a physical stab in her chest.

"I don't know, Rey… uhm. This is…this is stupid." Kylo sat down on the black chair on the star destroyer.

"No, it's not." She heard herself talk, but didn't see it because she was recording him."Now, say only nice things and don't scare him."

"What, like this?"

The baby smiled.

"Nooo, Kylo not like that. That was a nasty freaking face. Don't do that. Be nice, all right?"

He looked up at her, but in the projection, he was looking above real Rey's head. "You said freaking in front of a baby." He smirked. A rustling sound of something was heard in the background, and Kylo barely evaded a pillow.

"All right, I get it I get it. I'm talking now, so shut up and let me." He cleared his throat and gripped the armrests; as if a king addressed his subjects. "Dear Benedict Organa Solo the Second. I'm speaking to you right now because your mother has nothing better to do with her time than to pester me about-"

Series of muffled words could be heard in the holo; words which Rey cut out with a heavy heart because damn, those insults were ingenuous. She looked down on the baby, fascinated by what he saw.

"Are we clear, Kylo?" her panting came not from the belly, but her aggravation.

"Yes, ma'am. Perfectly clear. Uhm, Ben." Kylo looked into the holoprojector and Rey's lips started shaking. Her entire face went numb, and ants spread on her chest. She barely held the baby. She felt nauseous and short of air at the same time. "Ben, my son. First of all, let me apologize for the name Ben. She insisted," he pointed at Rey, but mysteriously, at the future Rey who would be watching it, the one who _was_. "I was not a big fan of it. You were almost Anakin the Second, but I have seen the reason in the end. Ok, your mother has made me see the reason. I… "his eyes acquired that focus he had only for her. "I'm your father. I... I'm doing this just in case we never get to meet. We will, of course we will, " his hands slid up and down the armrests. "This is just a precaution. I wanted you to see that I was here, that I was with your mom not only when we made you, but also in the end. Although the making bit was a lot more fun than this holo. I was looking forward to you."

He gripped that chair till his knuckles whitened. "I _am_ looking forward to you. Look at me, talking as if I'm…gone or something. I'm not. I won't be. We will do things together, you and I, plenty of things. I will teach you wield a lightsaber. But," he quirked his mouth. "I'm afraid your mom will teach you to pilot a ship, she has way better skills than me."

The recording shook a little and watching Rey remembered why. She remembered feeling of heaviness she had felt when recording this. Tears were sliding down her cheeks, down into baby's jet black hair. "Sorry sweetie," she kissed his hair and caressed them gently.

"I will show you the ways of the Force. The Force…it's…." his eyes widened. "It's magnificent, true testament to the wonders of the galaxy. Look," Kylo opened his palm and let the blue mist swirl around it.

The baby raised his arm and opened his little mouth, gurgling, utterly fascinated by the blue cloud on the screen. Rey barely stifled her frantic sobs.

"Look, isn't it amazing? Isn't it a miracle? Your mom can do it, but she's not as good as me, obviously." Kylo puffed. "The mist was floating in the background of the holo afterwards. "Well, uhm… what else is there? We will read together, watch old holocrons of the Sith empire. We'll watch those of the republic as well, uhm, just to see which was better. And I will tell you about your lineage." He leaned closer to the screen and Rey almost died. She could almost touch him, and yet she couldn't.

"Never forget, son. You come from the most powerful bloodline in the galaxy. There were politicians and senators, queens and powerful imperators… and… and… smugglers. Yes, them too, and they had to be damn smart to smuggle their loot. I'm not saying everything your ancestors did was right; or what your _father_ did, for that matter," he lowered his eyes. "But know that we were trying. _I_ was trying my best to do everything in my power for you and your mom. And you have her blood, too, thank the stars. It might fix those bits in mine that are faulty."

Recording Rey sobbed. Kylo's head darted up and he smiled. "Oh come on. Don't go sentimental on me now. OK baby Ben, it's time to wrap it up because your mom is not handling my awesome, sensitive side well."

"Oaf."

"I know."

"Ugh, you're impossible. You realize your son will be watching this one day, right?"

Stern expression crossed his face. "He won't. He won't have the need."

"But you-"

"He won't, Rey. I will be there. I _will_."

The holo cut into darkness abruptly, so quickly that Rey jerked back and the baby started wailing again. She followed right after him. She brought him on her chest and cried bitter, salty tears from the most profound well of pain.

"Don't cry, Ben, please. How about we…we…" she heaved. "Go to sleep, huh? Come on," she lay him carefully into the cot, but the cacophony didn't cease. Quite the opposite. He upped the volume. Rey was standing above the crib, looking at him dispassionately. She saw the inside of his mouth, the pink ridge without teeth, his tongue coiled because he was screeching so much. She saw his cheek puckered like a frog because he wouldn't even breathe, he was just screaming to the high heavens.

And she was tired.

Not her body, but her mind.

"I can't do it. I can't, oh gods, Kylo." She sagged down and leaned against the crib. She clutched her ears. "Why, why? Where are you? Why did you have to do this to me?" she kicked the wall. "You promised, you fucking promised you, you…"

Her head fell into her palms and she started breathing through the sobs; her gray nightgown stained by her tears. But the baby needed her. Little Ben's cries never left her cold for long. She just couldn't bear them. So, she shuffled up to her feet and took him in her arms.

"Shhhh, shhhhh," she was walking the room in circles. "Who's the most beautiful boy in the seven star systems? You are," she kissed his temple. "You are, my little boy." Ben's hand grappled at her pendant, the one she wore tucked near her heart.

Rey nearly tripped over the toys on the ground, so she laid him into her bed and spooned next to him, gently scratching his belly. "I know what you want. Look," she opened her palm, and a measly blue vapor rose from it. The mist couldn't hold a candle to Kylo's, but Ben seemed content and stopped crying.

Rey let out a heavy sigh. She could have left. She could have had help, if she but said yes. One month ago, she got an unexpected visitor, someone risen from the dead in the most literal sense. The hovercrafts and richly colored reconnaissance vessels began descending onto Cerea. Rey started packing in panic. She knew that these weren't the Order ships and that whoever they were; it didn't bode well for her.

"Eli, grab that one, no the one with the wheels. Yes, that one and pack Ben's stuff." She ran across the room frantically. But before she could pack half the things, the door to her house opened. Heavy footsteps assaulted her stairs and Rey readied the blaster in one hand and the lightsaber in the other. She stood in front of baby's crib and counted her heartbeats.

The door opened.

Rey's blaster almost fell down. "You… you're… how?"

Leia Organa stepped into the chamber. She was dressed in a regal, dark blue gown and leaned on a cane. Her hair was not grey, it was plain white, white as snow and her face looked older than that of a woman of her age. Poe Dameron and Finn walked in her tow.

"Good morning, Rey." She smiled.

Rey didn't greet them. She didn't even look at them, all she was thinking about was her son, alone and vulnerable in the cot; and her being unable to protect him with one blaster and one old droid. "Stay back!"

"It's all right, Rey." Finn spoke. "We haven't come to hurt you. The war is over. We've won."

"We? Who's we? And I said stay the hell back!" mother lioness yelled, protecting her cub.

"Finn, Poe, perhaps it's best if you leave me to it. You can go and wait outside."Leia said kindly. Both men gave Rey one last, pained look and closed the door behind them. "Forgive me but could I possibly sit down? It's my legs, you see. And my age," Leia smirked. In that second, Rey swore she saw Kylo's trademark smirk. It felt as if Leia slapped her.

"Uhm. Yeah. Sit down."

Both women sat in the large, cozy living room with black sofa and white, plush carpets. Opened patio blew nice, aromatic breeze inside, tossing the white curtains in the air.

Rey sat down, watching Leia's every move like a hawk. She pointed the blaster strategically over her knee, so that one click and she had a clear shot. "You're supposed to be dead." Rey furrowed her brows.

"I look good for a dead person, don't I?"

"Where's Kylo?"

"I don't know where your husband is."

"How do you know we're…"

"The necklace." Leia nodded. "It belonged to my mother. I know it. I know he wouldn't have given it to you, only on one occasion. I know my son." She sighed.

"You know nothing. Why are you here? And where is Kylo?"

"I already told you, we don't know. The battle of Kitel Phard took place a week ago. The resistance officially defeated the First Order. We decimated their Starfleet and seven of their ten leaders are dead. We're hunting the remaining three and-"

"I don't care." Rey screamed, panic seizing over her. "Where…where is Kylo?"

Leia's eyes softened. "He fought on Kitel Phard. He's not among the dead, yet. But he's not confirmed among the living either. "

"The…the, his command shuttle? There's a way to track the shuttle, isn't there?"

"He left the shuttle on Phard. If he got out, he used another transport."

Rey dropped the blaster. It sunk into the thick carpet. "Then his belt!" she screamed victoriously. "He has this thing there, a tracker. You can find him through it."

Leia shook her head. "We've tried. It's off. It doesn't transmit anything, in fact, it hasn't transmitted in months."

Rey's eyes watered. _Fuck_. He must have turned it off because of her, so that Snoke or the Order wouldn't be able to track her through him. She flew up to the curtains, squeezing her pale throat. "Where is my husband? Where? What have you done with him?"

Leia's heart was bleeding, as only a mother's would. But now, this young, broken girl was a mother, too. "My child, you should calm down, for the sake of your son. You will lose the milk if you're stressed."

Rey ran to the cot and took her son into her arms. _This is all I have left of you, my love?_ She shut her eyes and breathed in the sweet baby scent of a new human being. She brought him back to the living room. Leia's eyes shone wide. She sauntered towards them.

"I didn't fight," Rey said coldly. "I didn't help him."

"With you, he knew such happiness like never before. I think you helped more than you realize, my child. You gave his life meaning in that year you spent together. You gave him new _life_ ," Leia gently caressed the small head of her grandson. "He's a spitting image of my Ben, he has his-"

"I don't want to hear it, all right? I know how he looks like. You don't need to remind me! And call him Kylo – he didn't want to be Ben, so don't force the name on him. Don't even talk about him, and…and…"

Leia stepped back, blinking away the tears because the image of this thin, young girl was too painful to behold. So, her son did love. Usually, the world began crumbling around Ben Solo wherever he arrived; but now, Rey's crumbled when he wasn't there.

Rey shook her head."I gave him new life, what's that supposed to mean? That's such bullshit. It's nothing. It means nothing. I should have insisted Kylo trained me and fought with Skywalker and you. I shouldn't have gotten myself knocked up and be useless for six months. I should have been there, by his side, fighting and-"

"Rey," Leia touched her arm. "You can't be alone right now. It is over. You have to come with us, back to Coruscant. We'll take care of you and my grandson."

"No," she brushed off Leia's touch. "I'll be here. I have to wait for Kylo. He's coming. He promised and I know he's coming and someone has to stay here and wait for him."

"He's a war criminal. He will be tried and sentenced as one."

"How can you do that to your own son? Are you insane?"

Leia hung her head. "Not even my own blood is above the law of the new republic. The law is sacred."

"Then you're lost!" Rey shouted, walking away from her, clutching the baby who stirred and whimpered. "Then you're truly lost. Get out of my house. Get out and leave us be!"

"Rey," Leia's cane knocked on the floor, once the carpet ended. "He won't get the death penalty, that much I can promise. He spared my life. When the First Order attacked our resistance base on D'Qar; Ben spared me. He sent me a personal transmission, a distress signal on a frequency known only to the few. I had time to get ready and flee. Of course, no one anticipated the impact of the detonation, not even my son. My ship got bombarded in the asteroid belt and I suffered serious injuries. But if he hadn't warned me, I would have been dead."

Rey wiped her nose, cradling the baby in her arms. "Get. Out. Of. My. House." She spat.

"If he's alive and he comes here, you know what to do. For the sake of your son, you know what's right. Give him a chance," Leia eyed little Ben lovingly. "Let him start with a clean slate, with a father who is atoning for his sins. Take care, Rey. If you need anything, transmit to me. I am going to be on Coruscant for the time being, getting the republican senate in order."

Rey huffed, waiting till the whole resistance circus left as fast as they had come. She ran to the gardens, fast enough, but safely with sleeping Ben in her arms. The old sycamore tree towered over her, accompanied by gnarly willows and chestnuts. The alleyway enclosed her in a beautiful sea of green.

Rey craned her head. The birds were chirping, flying alongside the ships and freighters of the resistance. She sat on the marble bench, under the blooming willow. _The Force, the Force…_ she invoked that chaotic, invisible deity toying with their lives. She did it in vain. She did it in captivity on the _Finalizer_ , when she had only some spiders to play with. She did it in the woods, when Kylo and his knights hunted her. She did it many times before, and the Force spat in her face and fucked her.

"Where are you, Kylo? Why can't I feel you in the Force? You promised…. You promised you'd be here and you lied. You lied to me. You have a son," Rey beseeched the blue skies. "Don't you love him? Don't you wanna see him?"

And she hadn't stopped praying ever since. She prayed now, lying in bed, scraping the cute, little belly of her baby dressed in a blue onesie. _He's not coming._ Rey clasped her forehead, wiping the tears. "He's dead. Your daddy is dead and this fucking holo is the only memory you'll ever have, Ben. Better get used to it. Better accept it."

And once she did accept it, the mornings weren't so painful anymore. Eli and she readied the baby for an afternoon stroll. Rey would play him the holo every night. She would take him on long walks in the gardens, among the whispering trees. She read from a datapad to him, sitting on their bench.

"Come to me, oh whispering sea, How to cross the reed, will thee?

How to cross the heavens far, how to spot the twinkling star?

Look for it you need not be, the stars are shining within thee.

Come to me, oh whispering sea, lost among the stars you be.

Despair not, my baby dear, stars will always shine so near;

Near to you and in your heart, where morns with mommy always start."

Rey wiped another tear, this one she didn't even register. Her eyes were permanently red, as if edged into a scarlet marble. Her face didn't shine like the stars in the poem. It sunk, hollowed, it glowed of despair and pain no young mother should experience. She clutched the fabric of her pants, desperate to feel, taking a deep breath of the balmy, verdant scent.

"Time to go, Ben. I know you're hungry." She said, but before she took the stroller, Rey pulled out a small hook and scratched another line into the old willow bark. "There," she blew the dust away and smiled. "That's a ninety two for you, my boy. You're growing so fast."

Ninety two scratches for each day her son lived in this world; and she had made all of them. Well, nearly all. The first week was marked by Eli, since Rey couldn't get up after the childbirth. She kissed the jappor snippet and patted the scratches lovingly. "Come on, twinkling star. Let's get lunch." Rey kissed her baby and ambled to the house.

A gloved hand gently caressed the scratches and watched two people he loved the most walk away from him. And then, he took a deep breath and followed.


	27. Chapter 27

**You, me, us**

* * *

Kylo didn't go in right away. He watched her with that little something in her arms the whole day, asking himself, "Is this what you really want to do to her? To _them_?" He had left her a young, strong warrior; and came back as something utterly different.

He passed those scratches once, then again and again, until he counted ninety two. He sat down on the marble bench and struggled to catch a breath. This whole place smelled normal, of woods and the river flowing not far from the gardens. From where he came, the scent was that of sizzling meat; the screams and black flames engulfed them all and no human soul got out.

 _Soul_ , not a body. Bodies were annihilated by special weapons Hux unleashed on the Kitel Phard. It was the souls Kylo had felt in the Force, wailing, crying for help and absolution that would never come. And he couldn't do anything about it. And now, he was sitting under the tree which turned from green to dark gray because both suns had set down on Cerea; and the same darkness started to fall on this planet, just as it had fallen on the battlefield.

His head snapped. The lights in her house turned on. Kylo saw the vaguest of outlines behind the window; that of a droid and Rey, once again holding that… _him_. Kylo picked up a fallen leaf and crinkled it in his palm. He shuffled his feet in the wet soil, typical for when the summer air changed into that carrying the future storm on the horizon.  
"Fuck," he hissed in pain. What hurt him? Nothing. Everything. He couldn't tell, but something was wrong with him. That was how he got out, sacrificing something in the Force that no longer carried the name of the Knight of Ren with the same indignation as before. He dropped the leaf and brushed his knuckles on top of his leather pants.

"Might as well get it over with," he sighed, walking towards the house. "Don't you fucking dare get emotional. Don't you go in with that insane notion you could stay and live with them. No, no."

He passed orchards of wild trees turned to neatly trimmed shrubbery on the gravel path, lit with candles and ceramic pyres. The outline of that citadel where they got married assaulted him. He kept looking down on his decimated boots, still glistening from black blood.

He walked the gates unannounced, silent, putting all the effort into coordinating his movements. He had forgotten how to walk, how to carry his head high and hands not curled into fists ready to attack. His lightsaber hung limp on his side; the weapon having him done little good.

The second gate creaked. Rey sharpened her ears. "Eli, is that lady supposed to come over tonight?" she put down the bottle and wiped her hands into the dish rag.

"Not that I know of, miss. Perhaps she had sent a transmission that I didn't catch."

"Bloody unlikely," Rey tossed the rag aside and grabbed her lightsaber. "Eli, take the baby please and go upstairs. Don't come down, I'll come up if it's just me, being paranoid."

Droid's arms shot in the air. "Very well, miss."

Rey didn't even get a chance to put shoes over her big, woolen socks, covering her bare legs. She wore that gray, short nightgown, stained all over her shoulders from when the baby burped on her. The door opened. "Shit," she paled. They were locked. Whoever just got in; did so through the Force.

Kylo entered the kitchen, as if nothing happened, as if he had just casually returned from the milk run. One look at her, and his insides twisted upside down. She was gaping at him, clutching the saber in one hand and some bottle in the other. He winced. The mother of his son, reduced to this; sleeping with one eye open, fighting among trying to keep him alive, ready to slay anyone who had dared to open their gates.

"Rey," he said quietly. "I…I'm here."

A death moth flew in when he left the door opened, circling the lights which began to flicker. Rey looked up. "You should get the net on the door, for the…uhm, the insects. We've had some giant mosquitoes here and I fear they might bite Benny."

Kylo felt as if a rubber band around his soul finally snapped. He smiled. "What? What are you talking about? It's me… I'm home."

She put the lightaber and the bottle carefully on the counter, stepping from one foot to another. He took in her beautiful, lean, bare legs. The hem of that nightgown lifted, and Kylo swallowed empty air, suddenly so hot in his neck.

"I… Kylo?" she bit her lip. "Is it you here, or have you died and came back in the Force?"

"What? Rey, why… how even; why would you think that? What, no it's…I'm not dead." He ambled towards her, but for each step forward he took, she had taken two back. Something wasn't right with her; and here he thought that the real wounded heart walked in the house, not lived there. "Rey, look at me. It's me; the real me, coming home."

"No." her back hit the wall. "I know you're not. I know, I know." Her palms shot up and covered her face. "I dreamed, I had this same dream over and over and I can't do it now, not now when Ben needs a bath and to be fed. I can't." She began breathing in sharp, shallow pangs.

And Kylo wouldn't see himself in that moment. He had done this to her. He had broken her, left her alone and scared, alone to give birth in the labor she had dreaded, alone to fend for the littlest thing in the universe, half _his_ , alone to worry about fucking moths and mosquitoes. She was trembling like that sycamore outside and Kylo saw only one solution. He swiftly put his arms around her, forcing her into an embrace.

"No, no. Ben can't have a mother who went crazy. I can even feel you, now. No."

"Shhh, Rey. It's all right. I'm here. I'm with you, shhh." He felt her under him, so soft and small, smelling of soap and baby oils. She even wore her hair in those three bizarre buns, _his_ buns he had grown to love.

"Oh gods… oh stars, thank the Maker, it's you, you're here…Kylo!" She seemed to finally understand. He felt her dainty arms slide under his, pressing her entire body into him; so strongly he had to dig his heels into the floor just to keep balance.

He brought them both to the living room, although how remained a mystery, since she arrested her movements. Nevermind, he had carried her, shuffled her slowly inch by inch, as he would carry her ever since, every day, if need be. When they sat down, Rey opened her eyes.

"What happened? Where have you been? How did you come back? And… your shuttle and tracker and-"

"I will tell you everything babe but…" he took her palm and kissed it. "Can I see him?"

"Who?"

"My son," Kylo smiled, lacing his fingers with hers.

Rey let out a shaky exhale. She had forgotten there were no more of them, but a third person in their lives. She felt as if her brain sneezed and didn't reboot. "Uhm, of course. Eli!" The droid brought the baby to them. Kylo immediately disliked the very notion of the old clunker touching his son, but he bit his tongue, for Rey. Plenty of time to discard that mass of screws later.

His lower lip started to tremble on par with his hands. His eyes flew from the baby's smooth, little head to miniature feet and back to his button nose, identical to that of his mother. He could fit almost entire length of the baby into his hand, suddenly so large and clumsy.

"He…he," words wouldn't form. Kylo forgot to breathe, because what if he exhaled too loud and blew the baby away? He just couldn't imagine not dropping it or squishing it by accident. "He smells so nice." He said the first stupid thing that came to his mind.

Rey wiped a tear and laughed, all while watching every muscle on Kylo's face strain; every bit of him just looking and being in awe of their creation.

"And he has my ears," he skimmed that cute head, but just barely, feeling the softest pink skin he had ever touched. He saw so much of himself in that little thing, more so than Rey at the first glance. The eye shape was his, hooded and deep; the head of black hair would surely wavy as Kylo's morning nest usually did.

"He looks just like you, doesn't he?" Rey beamed, somehow prouder than if he had her features. She would wish this upon Kylo; that he had someone pure in his life and be reminded of his own light when looking at his son.

"Yes, but the pout is yours."

The boy kicked his wee feet in the blue onesie and opened his eyes.

And they were green, Rey's green, but more vivid, just like when the sun shone into her face and she had to scrunch her nose and squint not to be blinded by it.

And Kylo never feared less in his entire life. This child would never wield a lightsaber and use it against him, because Kylo wouldn't give him a reason for it. His son would be his first priority and the last thought before falling asleep, together with Rey. This baby might not have a father who deserved him, but fuck, he had one who wouldn't drop him off to go pass a bill in the Senate. He wouldn't cherish a ship more than his son, just like Han so senselessly worshipped _Falcon_.

He wouldn't turn the Force into a cult to be bowed to, or a scary thing to feel ashamed of. He would teach him everything and never raise a hand on him, he knew it right there.

If Rey called, he would cross star systems and hostile space storms and be with them through corpses and planets, through rock and metal and no power cold stop it. If those green eyes blinked, he wouldn't deny anything. If he pouted just like Rey did and wished for one star, Kylo would bring them a constellation. Such was the power of his love for this creature; a love that didn't have to be earned – it was given by Kylo freely, unequivocally, without conditions and reason.

Baby Ben wiggled his fingers, reaching blindly to that someone he had known by instinct, although they had never met. "The guy from the room upstairs," baby thought and cooed, "the one who made a funny face and a nice blue mist."Yes, he was the one whose eyes kind of resembled Ben's and the baby loved to look at him. Sometimes he felt sorry he had woken his mommy who smelled so nice and felt so warm. He did it only to watch this man in the red thing his mom always brought up.

The baby grimaced, scrunching his face. Something nasty dropped on him, brimy and wet. "Sorry, buddy," Kylo sighed and wiped his tear from his son's face. His thumb was three times larger than the baby's nose, and only then he had become aware what a fragile thing he held. He didn't realize he was crying. _Fuck, nope._ He had to compose himself, not to be for a sniveling idiot in front of Rey.

She closed her eyes.

The Force bond - it flew again.

She felt the flood gates open in the Force, and that felt better than a warm pie straight from the oven, better than making love to him for the first time… better than star gazing from the _Interdictor_ , trying to find the right stars. She felt awash by his feelings, his awe and grief and fear, mingled with uncertainty. She felt for two human beings who were just one, parted in the Force, but forever together. She felt what she had missed those months, just looking at his sharp profile, focused on the baby. "Give, here." She took him carefully. "He needs to be fed, so…"

"Where are you going?" Kylo took her wrist.

"I said, he needs to be fed. We'll be with you in five minutes, daddy." She smiled.

"You can do it here." He shook his head, as if it was the most obvious thing under the binary suns.

"You… don't mind?"

"Why would I mind? What?"

"Nothing, nothing, it's just that I am used to a routine and… uhm."

Kylo's spine shivered. He felt it again - as if he didn't belong with them, as if he was but a guest in this nice place and then, he should go back to the blazing fires and leave Rey and Ben on their own, safer where his darkness didn't tread. "I understand." He said quietly.

Rey realized what had happened. "I am sorry, Kylo." She sat down and began unbuttoning her nightgown.

"No, don't be. You can go upstairs, whatever you're used to, just do it. Don't mind me. It's me who should learn your rules."

But before he finished, Rey had the baby latched onto her, feeding him in a set of perfectly synchronized movements. She kept twisting her feet in those big socks nervously, feeling as if she was passing some kind of test. This act felt so intimate to her, more so than when he had seen her naked and done things to her that could be called… well, steamy, to be mild.

Kylo watched fascinated, as she lovingly put her hand under Ben's head; as she held him just right where he needed it, as she smiled and the baby gazed into her eyes because they knew each other so well, better than maybe he'd ever know him. He felt a corded string unknotting in his abdomen, feeling more for her, who had kept their son safe and alive, than before. "You're beautiful."

"What?" She chuckled. "Sure am. Spitting image of beauty," she tapped her dirty, stained blouse, her pale, fatigued face and a drool residue on her lower jaw. "Sorry to break it to you, but you came home to a mom now, not just the scrumptious scavenger."

He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his thighs. "What the fuck are you talking about? You are beautiful. And you were never just a scavenger to me, you know that."

 _If you could see what I see_.

Rey sniffed. "I do, Kylo, believe me. I see." Oh yes, she saw herself in him – equally broken, tired, on edge. Was it their separation that had beaten them like this? Was it the war?

Rey handed Ben to Eli, and led him to the master bedroom, now converted to her and baby's nursery.

They sat down on bed. Kylo unbuckled the belt, and Rey noticed it didn't fit so snugly as before. He had lost some weight. His robes went next, and soon, he sat there only in his pants and suspenders, which she had pulled and tugged, her face making fun of him for it.

"Kylo, I still can't believe you're here." She sat on her ankles and touched his naked shoulder. "What happened?"

"Everything, Rey. Everything has happened. I don't wanna talk about it."

"But, how did you survive? Where? Your mother was here and she said-"

"Not now, Rey." He unzipped his boots, and pale blue veins arose on his neck.

"I understand, but how-"

"Rey!" he screamed, grabbing her arm. "Shut the fuck up, all right? I won't talk about it. I fucking won't, so can you drop the subject and just leave me be?

She flinched. Kylo saw it, but didn't let go.

"Leave you _be_?" she yelled back. "You fucking asshole! You left me be, you left us and went to play god with people's lives in a stupid, sensless war; and now, you come here and _I'm_ supposed to leave you be?"

"For fuck's sake," he swatted her hand, springing to his feet, wiping his nose. "Shut up. You have no idea what I've been through, what I had to do to get back here. Least you can do is not being a bitch and just give me time."

"Oh yes, because you gave me time. Because I sure as hell had time when my childbirth started and I cried your name for seventeen hours straight, so broken that the droid had to sedate me and deliver him alone." Rey jumped out of bed, trembling. "Because I sure as hell had time when I couldn't even lift a finger, but he cried and needed me, so I fucking had to get up and take care of your son, the son you abandoned!"

Kylo roared like an animal, bringing down the entire shelf with baby stuff on it. Rey cried out and immediately jumped back.

"You don't get to do this to me! You think I didn't want to be there, with you? You stupid…" he was spitting, closing his fist, feeling something cathartic clawing out. If he didn't scream, he would burst or die, right there.

She crossed her arms, standing good five feet away from him. "Are you gonna hit me now? Is this what came home? You can pack your bag and get out."

Kylo dropped his fist. "You know very well I would never raise my hand against you, so don't you fucking play these cheap games with me."

"Do I know this? Yes, I know it." She yelled again. "I know it because being with you was such a great walk in the park. You only imprisoned me, had me tortured, hunted me in the woods, got me away from Skywalker and left me trapped in an empty apartment, then on the ship of death, then here, and got me pregnant and now, I'm nothing because of you!"

He blinked. "What? What are you talki-"

"I was supposed to be a Jedi," Rey tasted tears on her lips. "I was supposed to go to the resistance and fight, and become Skywalker's apprentice and help defeat the Order. But you broke it all." She sobbed. "You made me a nothing, even less than a scavenger who took care of herself her entire life."

Kylo turned his bare back on her, wiping his own angry tears. Fuck, how it hurt. "I didn't know you were this unhappy. I didn't know you hate our son so much."

"How can you say that? Of course I don't hate him. I love him, and I love you…but I was alone, abandoned for three months, waking up to a screaming baby without a father. I haven't slept, I barely ate," she clutched her chest, "I watched that holo so many times it broke and I couldn't get out of bed for two days, because I feared I lost the last memory of you," she shuddered at the memories too painful to reveal.

"I feared your son will never see you again, that _I_ will never see you again. I ran to the gates every time when the wind blew into them because I expected you to come back. And you didn't. And I couldn't even plan your funeral."

He spun, gazing at her shaking body, feeling her pain as she hugged her torso and cried. "You're not 'nothing'." Sharp intake of breath drowned some words, and his nasal voice stopped pretending he wasn't right there with her, at the end of his tether. "You never were, you're not 'nothing'. For me, you're everything Rey."

Rey jumped into him, and he held her. They were both crying, one trying to calm down the other. "I can't tell you what happened," he began kissing her neck. "I don't want to, I can't go back there, I just can't. I'm sorry, Rey, I'm so sorry."

She returned his kisses, everywhere; on his neck, lower jaw, on his chest muscles. "I'm sorry, Kylo. I'm so sorry. I know, I… I love you."

He carried her weight back to bed. "I love you, fuck how I love you."

They were saying it one over the other, engaged in a contest who would say it more, louder. Kylo laid her down. His hand went straight under her blouse, gliding over her skin, so soft and _his_. Rey moaned, throwing her head back as he cupped her breasts, kissing her mouth wantonly, letting his tongue do all that wonderful work. She reciprocated it all with perhaps even bigger zeal for him as he for her, but both would claim it impossible. He huffed into his battle with her panties which he couldn't pull over her legs for the life of him.

"Ugh," he just tore the fabric off like gossamer, rustling with her clothes. He wedged himself between her legs, letting her feel his hard erection, letting her know that she had been fucking _everything_ to him in deed, not only in words.

"Oh," she moaned, as the leather of his pants cooled the soft skin of her inner thighs. "Yes, Kylo fuck me, like that, don't take them off."

"Works for me, babe," he licked a circle around her earlobe, unzipping the fly. He lowered his entire weight onto her, and they both panted through their opened mouths, Rey's formed an O-shape, which he was dying to ravage with his tongue. But he held back, just focusing on that one first thrust, where he positioned his cock at her entrance, already moist and stretching for him.

"Hmmmm," he rasped, as he felt her tightness seize him, and Rey arched her back and took him deeper. The moment he fit in, they both stopped moving, just enjoying the initial outburst of pleasure; where every cell in their bodies screamed for more, burning.

He started fucking her like a madman, and Rey cried, letting him damn well know how it made her feel. "Hmm, you feel so good, Kylo, I missed you, yes, oh gods," Rey roamed her hands on his back. That leather chaffed her thighs, adding to the sensation which spread to the tips of her toes. She got to the leather pants and brushed them further down, griping his bare ass. It felt firm and hard, and she grazed that valley where his back began. She prodded him further down on her, inside, deeper. Kylo felt a new wave of arousal as she clawed on his ass, through pain to pleasure.

"You like it, huh? You like it rough?" he babbled senselessly. "I'm gonna make you come so hard."

"Like your wife, huh?"

"Damn straight, like my wife." Each thrust elicited a new grunt from him, the mass of a man who was everywhere around her at once. His back muscles were rising and falling rhythmically, just as Rey's taut abdomen rippled to meet him. He loved that contrast of her olive skin and his pale complexion, flushed from their vigorous activities. The finest hair on his forehead was already damp, but he wasn't anywhere near done. "Rey, Rey…"

She felt his tongue inside her mouth, so wet and slick, just like their bodies became; loving the sound of her name coming from his mouth, more than any grunt of lewd scream he shouted plenty. Rey sneaked her hand between them and scraped his lower abdominals, feeling pubic hair on his hilt going wet from their juices.

"Aargh, oh fuck, fuck Rey," he roared, throwing her bent leg over his shoulder. Slapping sounds filled the room, the bed creaked and Rey lost the sense of herself and there. He watched her full breasts bounce and that jappor snippet lost between them. His chest glistened red, large, angry patches spread up to his thick neck.

"Don't…forget… to pull out, Kylo, don't forget." She turned her head, letting him kiss her neck and cheeks, too lost in the budding orgasm to return his kisses. Her breaths got shallower and Kylo felt the first pre-climax spasms of her pussy; dying at the thought he'd have to come outside her. "Uhm, shit, Rey, can't we just," he sucked in more air and scorched her skin in a long pant.

"No, you prick. I'm not gonna have another ba-" the last word got lost in a shrilling scream she let out. His pelvis got stuck in one continuous movement, enjoying her orgasm milking him, but he didn't want it like that.

"Fuck, whatever," he quickly pulled out and kept sliding up and down his slick, red cock. She was undulating like a cat, and he fixated on her damp, moist pussy, that one place he would have killed to be. String of sibilants left his mouth and he kept stroking vigorously and then, in three tugs, he spilled his seed on her naked abdomen, all over that tanned bridge where her soft curls started. "Hmmm, yes," Rey bit her lip and smeared his cum all over her, on her thighs, stomach and circled her erect nipples with that opaque substance, still riding her own orgasm. _Well, shit._ Kylo just gaped, totally lost in that brazen act. He kept stroking his cock, feeling more than spent. She provided great inspiration, glistening from his cum and sweat.

Before she opened her eyes, he was down between her thighs. He kissed her writhing stomach, inserting one finger inside her, driving her wild till she panted again, prolonging her orgasm. "Come on, come on babe," his arm trembled in allure of another wave of pleasure he had caused, clawing that finger inside her while his tongue sucked on her nipples. He totally dominated every action of her body, enjoying the view of her heated skin. The scent drove him wild and he had insane urge to taste her.

He kept on it till she actually begged to just let go, making her come with his tongue, slithering his way around her dripping folds, sucking on her swollen clit while her calves trembled uncontrollably.

"No, you're mean. This," she clutched the sheets," is the last...laahhhst-"

"You were saying," he licked alongside her opening as if he tasted a particularly juicy oyster, enjoying the power over her. He knew exactly where to graze his teeth and where to push harder, since she responded to the smallest of stimuli. "I don't want to hear any complaints, missus Solo." His long arm reached her breasts and massaged them and Rey gladly gave him a hand, grinding into his face.

"Oh, say it again, again." She whimpered. Kylo spread her folds with two fingers and kept pushing that long, wet tongue in and out. He went deeper with each thrust, and she felt like a wet rag, so hungry and wishing it would never end. He sighed into it and gazed at her from under his hooded eyelids; while stroking his cock which grew hard again.

"Missis Solo," he threw her legs over his shoulders and took her through that agonizing process again, and again, working his jaw to encompass more of her at once; smirking at her ferocity with which she grabbed his hair.

She could come five times in a row, that wouldn't be the problem; but she missed more of him in her arms after such a long time.

"I can't, no, just ugh." She actually felt slight discomfort budding in her navel, and tugged his hair. Kylo kissed her pink, hard worked pussy one last time and finally, trailed the way up by planting kisses on her inner thigh.

"Damn Rey," he collapsed onto her, still feeling his own warm load on her stomach. "The hell was that? That was hot as fuck what you did." He couldn't help but fondle her heavenly tits, enjoying the milky smooth texture, burying his nose between them.

"What?" she panted, wiping her forehead. "I can't think. Gods, Kylo, I don't know if I can walk, ever. You were amazing, oh stars, we're doing this from now on. You can pitch a tent down there, you…oh." She mumbled, patting him on the flexed bicep.

Kylo grinned like an idiot. _Who's the man?_

"Thanks for… you know." She blushed. "Not coming inside."

Sleepiness hit him so fast, that he just snuggled her closer and kissed her lips. "You don't have to thank me. If you say something, we're doing it. I'm just glad I caught myself. Do you even know how hot you are when I'm about to come in you?" He enclosed her throat in his palm. It fit entirely, and Rey dragged her tongue across her lips, tasting herself.

"Same. You look like my slave, then. You actually did very, very well, Mister Solo."

"Slave?" He smirked. "You don't say." Kylo took off his leather pants, forgotten piece of their foreplay now, apparently. They slid under the covers and exchanged occasional kisses, until the other found a new way to talk about something new that had happened when they were apart.

Kylo put his arm under her neck and Rey snuggled closer, lying on her side, under his jaw; feeling safe and warm because of him. When he spoke, his chest trembled and she heard his voice through that cavernous echo.

"… and if you only saw him after bath time. " Rey gushed for ten minutes straight about Ben. "I swear, he's already using the Force. Las time, I left this little gungan toy on the floor and I walk in the next morning and he's sleeping next to it! Imagine that." She beamed.

Kylo loved her talking like that, but maybe ten minutes was enough? "I have a new scar," he said smugly. "It was this one stormtrooper from Hux's squadron who-"

Rey leaned and kissed it on his left pectoral, and then, went straight back to gushing. "And then, he can't sit yet obviously, but when I put him down, he's trying. I swear he's trying to climb out!"

Kylo crinkled his nose. She dismissed him like a big man child he really was. "Did you just kiss my ouchie better, Rey Solo?"

"What?"

Kylo threw his head back and burst out laughing, in a full, chortling sound. "You… you just can't see yourself. You're totally in love with him. More than with me."

"Phhhff, and you're not?"

"But I got hurt." He pouted. "And you didn't even care."

Damn, he mimicked her pout to the last wrinkle on her lips. "That's not true. I care, but forgive me if I'm not holding candle vigil for that pink nothing you call a 'scar' " she made quotation marks in the air. "It's cute, though. Here," she kissed it again, this time tracing her tongue around it."Better?"

"Hmmh," he murmured, closing his eyes. "Better. I love him, I just don't know him. You can say what you love about him. I have yet to find out."

Rey felt like an idiot. She was nagging him to tell her about the battle and what had happened, but here she was, speaking of what must have hurt him, _a lot_. She climbed on top of him and he closed his arms around her back. "You'll get to know him, don't worry my love. You're on the diaper duty from now on till he's two."

Kylo gulped. She saw his Adam's apple jump in his neck. "Yeah. I wish it were so."

"Why not?"

"You said my mother was here."

 _Ah_.

"She was."

"Then," Kylo started rubbing her back absentmindedly. "You know what she told you. I can imagine. I'm a war criminal and the entire new government is hunting me. Only now, I could come here because they might not suspect I would dare. But this isn't a permanent solution, Rey."

"Then what is?" She propped her chin on her palm, still using his broad chest as a mattress.

"I… I don't know. I wish I did."

"We can leave, hide somewhere safe. But whatever we decide, you chisel it into that head of yours that we're not separating again." She tapped his temple. "Do you get it? We're in this as one now."

"Never apart, always together?" he asked, repeating the exact same thoughts she had had on Jakku, in that small adobe house, when she had decided to leave with him, for the first time.

"Never apart, always together." She kissed him softly, taking his fuller lower lip between hers. "Promise me. Promise you won't just disappear next morning thinking it's for the greater good or some other bullshit. I won't survive it."

"I promise." He nuzzled her nose.

"No," she got deadly serious look. "I mean it. I'll die if you even think about pulling something like that. I don't care if we have to live in a hovel on Chiss, freezing to death, because stars know you're shit at making fire."

"Am not."

"Yes, you are. That's not the point," she grabbed his chin, imploring with her big eyes. "I mean it. Please, swear to me on our son that you won't leave me. Him. _Us_."

"You're content with what came home to you, then? I'm not a captain anymore. I don't command a star destroyer, wield power or have my knights to protect you. I'm… nothing." He repeated her own words. Painful flash crossed his face, and now, the truest fears buried in his core resurfaced.

Rey sighed. She fought hard to suppress tears burning her eyelashes. "I guess we're both nothing, then. One nothing and two nothings - doesn't that make something? But I love that nothing we have. I fucking love it, Kylo and you're mistaken if you think that you being no longer that masked tyrant makes you less worthy in my eyes."

"Doesn't it? And I wasn't a tyrant. I was doing my duty."

"No, it does not. If anything, we're finally free."

Kylo brought her closer and smeared one stray tear on her cheek. "Free of what, babe?"

"Of that mask."

"I swear." His eyes glinted. "I swear, if this is what you want. I won't leave you, ever. But tomorrow, when the idyll ends and you'll have to pack our bags and we'll have to find an unmarked, possibly stolen shuttle, and fly away to some outer rim backwater planet – will you want it, then? Think long and hard, Rey."

And she did.

She bit her lip, tasting his skin, everywhere she could reach. Kylo felt her heartbeat and her ample breasts pressing into him. He deliberately closed off the bond, not trying to influence her thoughts. The bedroom was cast into the darkness once the candles burnt out, and neither of them cared to turn on the light. He felt her fit into him, tracing every ridge and curve of her perfect body, the one that gave him so much more than just pleasure.

Just when Kylo thought she had fallen asleep, she spoke. "I want it. I know it's gonna be hard, mostly on Ben. But the alternative is being without you, and that's worse than death for me. So, yeah. We can pack the bags tomorrow and leave. We… we have the Force. We'll be all right."

"We are all right, babe." He whispered.

"Yes, Kylo. Yes we are."

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 **A/N OK, so - this might not be the last chapter either. I'm such a hoe and I can't part with this story easily.. I just love it too much and believe me, I have a lot of plot lines still in mind. BUT I don't want to drag it.. so my decision isn't made yet. IF this is the last chap, an epilogue will follow, so be sure to catch that as well for the story to be complete. If not, I'll keep updating as if nothing happened xDDD You can voice your opinions on that in comment, if you think this should be it, tell me. I won't mind. They had to reinvent themselves; she feels like nothing, he does too - they both fell and now, they are free of whatever duties they had. Just..catharsis, in my opinion. Thank you for reading and comments 3**


	28. Chapter 28

**Paradigm**

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 **A/N OK, so seems like this story is going to continue :) I know some people would maybe see the previous chap as the last one, so to those I say - feel free to regard it as such, no problem, make it your headcanon and thank you for reading cuties. And for those who are continuing with me - the journey hasn't ended yet, there is your regularly scheduled dose of angst, smut, fluff and plot. Thank you and enjoy reading :)**

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Leia Organa had sat through many political meetings in her life. She did it as a princess, young and naïve girl in white, still believing in the greater good of the galaxy. She did it as a Senator, a mother to the black haired boy with pouty lips and hands forever stained from oil because he would poke Threepio, or R2-D2 while she sat him in the cot. She did it as General Leia Organa, the First Consul elected by the people, for the people of the New republic.

Or was it the New _New_ Republic? Hard to tell. "I don't know," she thought as she bolstered her chin on her upturned palm. Even her head felt heavy; and her eyes saw many bleeping dots on the white wall of the Senatorial building.

But she sat through those meetings, and she would do it again, and again, until the freedom for all species in the galaxy was assured. _"_ Idealism, pure mindless optimism," Han would say when he cleaned Ben's little fingers, all black and stained.

"What the hell, Ben? Where'd you put them this time?"

The rag scrubbed them raw and red. "Nouere." Ben grinned, peeking from under those thick eyelashes. "These are not my fingues." He waved his hand in front of his dad's face, as if testing a theory. Wait – could a toddler be testing anything?

Han blinked. He was on all four, wiping that mess, but at that moment, he saw something. A face he had never seen, but knew it had existed under a mask. "Give here, you little Ewok." He kept going, but the uneasiness had settled and never left.

"Drop it, Han." Leia connected two datapads into one, creating a joint flat screen. "How can you talk like that? He's our baby… my son. You're imagining things."

"Am I?" Han jerked back, sheepish look spread across his face. "I don't know, your worshipfulness. I mean, boy's a menace. The other day, yeah, just the other day, I caught him sitting in the _Falcon_."

She didn't even raise her eyes from the datapad. "So? He likes it. At least one member of the family digs that nasty, rusty, dirty, useless pile of-"

"Well, he was all alone, Leia. He sneaked into a locked ship, a three year old boy."

"Uhmmm," she swiped the screen.

Han sighed. "And the ship, it was running. He started the _Falcon_ by himself."

"Really," her voice couldn't sound more disinterested if she tried.

Han rolled his eyes and dropped an arm he had had lovingly placed around her back. Typical Leia, always lost in her own head. "The ship was on lock down," Han said quietly."In order to ignite it, one needs a specific set of routers to switch, a…a pattern, an algorithm even I sometimes forget when me and Chewie get a bit tipsy on Corellian brandy. Now how could a three year old do it?" He gestured madly in the air. "How? If you have an explanation, princess, now would be a darn good time to share it."

She crossed her legs in the opposite way, still addressing the holo rather than him. "You forgot the keys in the ignition?"

Han gaped. Her saccharine tone was killing him. "Look," he yanked the screen from her hands and swatted them when she automatically grappled at it. "I don't need much attention. I'm not some, uhm… some politician or a senate whoopsie in a wig and stupid costume. But this – I feel it, it's something important. I have a hunch."

"You have a hunch?" Leia glared. "Wow. So why don't you – you know, talk to him instead of pestering me?"

Han fumed through widened nostrils and swept his hair on one side, a tic he succumbed to too often for his own good. He would always fiddle with his hair when nervous. "Yeah, I'm gonna ask a toddler how he started my ship. That should be a fun conversation, just like the one I might enjoy at the bottom of a sarlacc pit. Fine, just watch me. Me and Chewie are gonna watch him. Just," He grimaced at her. "Just watch me watch him, you…you…"

"Me what?" Leia smirked and sneaked the holo back in secret.

"You one hell of a Senator," Han scooped laughing Leia into his arms and planted a wet, long kiss on her pressed mouth. It smacked and she laughed so hard, he finally opened it and accessed that delicious, dirty cavern. She always got to him when she was raunchy and nasty and mean, and he loved her for it. He bent her over as if he planned to pirouette the dance hall with her; and in that instance, Ben or any other problem in the galaxy seemed to be forgotten.

Forgotten, but not gone.

Leia inhaled the stale air in the epic, tall, Senate room, floating in her cubicle, passing the Dathomirian delegation who delivered their speech on Corellian broadcloth embargo. She squinted. One Dathomirian's horns looked like unicorn's, and Leia suppressed a laugh. Her eyesight got only worse, year after year, but that might not have been such a tragedy. Not as if she wanted to keep looking at the same, smug faces of politicians forever. Thank you, but her age might guarantee her some exceptions.

"And therefore, the InterGalactic Banking Clan should not impose these exorbitant interest rates on our broadcloth industry, which we uphold and export only to the designated star systems…" Dathomirian delegate's voice was positively pacifying. Leia covered her yawn with the back of her palm and leaned on her other elbow, the good one; not the one she got broken from the fight in Jabba's palace.

"Outrage!" Tall, gray, sleazy looking Muun banker in a long dark cape yelled into the monotone atmosphere of the Senate. "I demand a rapprochement. First Consul Organa, I am appalled and on behalf of Intergalactic Banking clan, I hereby demand _suptum bulis civilis_ , and the assistance of one or more of independent party auditors to-"

Leia merely nodded, putting all her effort into looking interested in that pale blue cubicle of hers. _I demand_. Everyone had always demanded the galaxy from her, when she couldn't even give a world.

Suddenly, she heard a laugh. It filled her very soul, that innocent, child's gurgle. She looked left and right. No, no children in sight. Maybe in behavior, but not in form.

"Guu, guu, gag a, ghaaa," she heard it again, this time louder. Her heart constricted. "Ben?" She whispered.

It was Ben, but not her son; the other one; the younger one – the one who might redeem their entire bloodline, the one that sweet, sweet girl might still raise right. Leia barely got through the end of the meeting. She had no idea if she promised the Muun to lift the embargo, or the Dathomirians to uphold it. It was probably both, and Senator Kerev Doiv would most likely have to correct her blunder. But she didn't care. She sprinted to her office, the one of the First consul of the New _new_ republic and shut the door.

"Ben, my grandson," she rasped, clutching the chair railing. "No, Ben – my son." It hurt, so much to feel them in the Force and not be able to do anything about it. But why now? Why them? The baby gurgled again like wind chimes in the breeze, like a sacred sonata to his poor, old grandmother. Leia slumped on the chair, biting her fingernails. "So, the Force is with you, my grandson."

"I know it, Luke."

"How do you know it?" the hologram flickered and buzzed.

"I felt him in the Force. I might be able to track them. It's as if... we are connected or something."

"You said they were smart to disconnect the trackers you planted in their house on Cerea, Leia. There's not much you can do about it. Let them be."

"What? Are you insane you jerk? "

Luke chuckled. They might have been old; she a powerful Consul and he the revered legend, but together, they were Luke and Leia. Simply Luke and Leia, separated twins, lost and found through time and space. And she let him know who pulled the strings in that sibling relationship, even after all those decades.

"Calm down. I didn't say you shouldn't give it a try. But be careful. The girl… she's special."

"Duh." Leia crossed her arms and her lilac robes shimmered in the light. "I know she is. You think that tool, my son, would have fallen for an ordinary wet farm harvester? No, I know who she is. I…" Leia caressed her neck absentmindedly. "We have an understanding, her and I. And the baby, Luke, if you only saw him. He is so beautiful, a new Skywalker. "

"You can't bring him back, Leia. Not after what he did on Kitel Phard, after Han."

"I know. But we need him to track them down. He is the only one who can do it. He commanded them. I can't leave six former Force users roam free in the galaxy, especially those loyal to my son."

"Three," Luke's hologram said pensively.

"What?" Leia bent closer, tapping her knuckles on the desk. "Three?"

"Yes. Three is all there's left, and Ben. I mean, Kylo. I felt it in the Force. Once again, Leia – you can't bring him home."

"Home," she straightened her back again, lost in all those truthful words that hurt. _If you see our son, Han, bring him home._ She took two, three deep breaths to compose herself. "There is no home."

"Then why? Why not let them run and be free? It's the least you can do, turn a blind eye on Kylo Ren and the girl."

"That's not how the justice works, my brother. You should know better. You first, who follows the code."

"An ancient one, the one that cost me my Academy and your son." Luke said, his eyes glossed more so in the blue tint of the hologram. "As you wish, then. But be careful, and whatever you do – don't provoke him. If he suspects, if he only sees what you want to do, I fear it is not the last time we have seen Kylo Ren in action."

Hologram flickered, faded to blue, and then, Leia stared into nothing, and pondered about everything.

…

Drydock in the Eriadu City, the capital of the planet bearing the same name, was unusually quiet that morning. Kylo was forging ahead of the aliens and ship traders; evading the hovercrafts and low cell-powered speeders. He looked native, but a man in dark robes who gazed upon the sky. He wore a turban tied around his head three times, the ending not tucked inside, as was the custom on the planet. It hung loose, indicating he had been of wealth. Even if he wasn't, _damn it_ , these Dressellian traders must believe he was.

The veil was covering half his face, save for the eyes. They were now frantically jumping from one side of the drydock to another, inspecting. He spotted them; a party of three.

"Al-saw 'al nie sephorr sei men takor." He bowed down three times and took the left palm of the alien.

"Takor yous men visi."He answered, duplicating the gesture. The circus continued until all men in the trade party got their fix of politeness. Leader's head looked like a large potato, down to the texture and color of his skin. The eyes shone like saucers, two yellow globs; and a vertical rift cleaved the middle of his forehead.

"Vara si desu?"

"Speak common tongue. I know you can understand," Kylo speared the leader with his eyes; now so deep and expressive with the rest of him veiled. His brow ridge dominated his face; and he was praying they wouldn't notice the outline of his lightsaber under robes. "Well, do you have it?"

"Credits, first."

"No. I want to see the ship first. Isn't that the whole purpose of us, meeting in this greenhouse of a planet?" he passed his hand in the air, which was fumy and polluted. "I want to see my ship and then we bargain."

Dressellian widened his large eyes and leaned closer. "You no position to bargain, fugitive. We know, we know."

"Careful," Kylo's eyes glinted. "I am being patient, for now. Don't make me do something you'd regret."

Dressellian pirates weren't easily intimidated. But there was something in this man, they all felt it. As if the malice in the star system concentrated inside him; as if those deep eyes promised more pain and more harm any of them had ever experienced in their miserable lives. So, they took him to see the ship inside a large, metal hangar.

Kylo pulled down the tarp. "It looks like shit."

"No, it not pretty, but it fly."

"And hyperdrive? Is it functional?" He orbited the small, white frigate twice.

"Yes."

"How much?"

"Ten thousand."

"Five." Kylo said and immediately heard the clicking of safety blasters.

"Ten, my friend," the leader bared his teeth jagged in a set of purple gums. "Ten, a bargain. This ship good, you can fly. Fly, where no one looking for you."

Before they knew, blasters all flew across the hangar, hitting the wall and landing with a loud thud. " _Ashla, ashla_!" Traders all skittered away from Kylo. They shouted Force, Force in their native tongue because no matter where in the galaxy, everyone recognized it, even those who couldn't use it. No one in the galaxy could, now, that the Jedi and Sith were no more, or so the history records told. They knew what Kylo was when he curled his fists in rage he had had to betray his abilities.

The Force was an extension of him, _in him_. Using if felt more natural than breathing. The damage had been done, and now, Kylo simply walked towards the retreating party. "Five thousand credits will be transferred to your Coruscanti account. And I want an astromech with it." He stood tall in front of them, threatening with his eyes more than his fists.

"We no have astro droids for you." Dressililan spluttered.

"Then I suggest you get me one. I'm leaving tomorrow morning. We will meet here at the exact same time as today, and you better have a functional R2 unit for me." He said and walked outside.

Once the sparse sun rays shone on his face again, he grabbed his left hand with his right. It was shaking. Kylo's eyes examined it carefully. Oh no, the cocky, arrogant master of the Knights of Ren was no more. Now, he had a family to take care of. Now, he didn't have to bow down to Snoke, but the responsibility piled upon his shoulders multiplied a hundred fold. Now, one mistake of judgment and he could get them all killed.

He couldn't even take a proper breather on this polluted, gaseous planet. Fuck, how he detested that he had to bring the baby here. Nevermind, he thought as he walked back across the drydock; they would be out of here soon.

Suddenly, he braked, as if he'd hit an invisible wall. "Fuck, no, no, no." he spun on heel and started looking for what he had felt in the Force. He spotted her, dressed in her Jakku nomad garb, crouching under a large generator powering the entire converter station.

"Ou!" Rey squeaked as a large hand dragged her up.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Kylo quickly stared her up and down, just to make sure she was unharmed. "I told you to stay put, didn't I?" he was dragging her arm, hauling them both away from the dockyard.

"Let go you imbecile! If you must know, I was getting that new power converter we need. Let me go." She lurched back and freed her arm."Great, that'll bruise."

"Who's with Ben?"Kylo asked sharply.

"Who do you think? Eli. They went to the pavilion to have some fresh air. I'm not letting Benny suffocate here, like us."

He didn't utter a single word until they got back to their rented room, but a four bare, plaster walls and a bathroom which became a makeshift nursery. Rey began unwrapping her own turban, tossing the linen on the frugal bed.

Kylo slammed the door. "This is the last time you left him with that fucking droid! Are you insane? Do you want to get killed out there? I can't believe you act this fucking stupid, Rey." He threw the headgear aside, mussing his hair.

"Don't you worry about me, Kylo." She said bitterly, thrusting the power converter into his hands. "I know what I'm doing. I'm not some incapable housewife to greet her big, bad Sith Lord at home after his killing spree, so don't treat me like one."

The door to the bathroom shut. The walls vibrated, and right after that, a thumping from the neighboring room made Kylo wish he _could_ be that murdering Sith Lord again. He was left gaping at the gadget she had nicked off in the middle of a day, from under the nose of the owner who employed three security droids to catch thieves like Rey. Weird pang of pride hit him in the chest. Damn, she was good. And he was often forgetting that fact.

Rey wiped her red rimmed eyes. She looked in the mirror and winced. Her disheveled hair hung all around her dirty face. Gray smudges covered her left cheek, and she dipped the linen into water and began scrubbing it. "How dare he. Idiot. Stupid man… stupid man child… ego boost…thinks he's so great." She cursed and felt much, much better when she invented more colorful names for her husband. _Husband_ , damn it.

She was shackled to him forever, and they had been married for four months, and the arguing never ceased. How the hell were they gonna make it? Kylo let himself in without knocking. "Can't you knock?" She spat.

"Do I have to? You're my wife, not like I haven't seen it all."

"Ugh," Rey's hand was leaving increasingly redder burn on her cheek.

Kylo saw a flashback of Han Solo scrubbing him like that as a kid. He leaned on the doorframe casually. "Why are you so mad at that linen? What did it do to you?"

"It married me."

"Oh, really?"

"Get out. I'm not going to argue about stupid things with one stupid oaf."

"Me?" he pointed a finger at himself. "What did I do? Forgive me for being – you know – worried about my wife and son. You know Rey, this isn't Jakku and you're not some lonely wolf orphan who can fall on her ass and break a bone and no one gives a shit. I am mad. I will be mad every goddamn time you endanger your life like that. So, deal with it."

She slammed the linen into the sink. "Oh, I am dealing with it. Just this morning, I was dealing with the fact that we haven't had light in this room for four nights. I was dealing with it, until you came and stopped me and forced me to listen to your preaching."She yelled.

"You were stealing! If they had caught you…"

"But they didn't!" She surged into him. _Damn that cute pout_ , Kylo straightened his back to look taller. He somehow needed it in front of this firecracker.

"You risked too much." He said.

"You're not the only one allowed to risk everything, Kylo. I gave birth to him. I carried him. I protected him for nine months and I will protect him his whole life. I will risk everything if I want and you can't stop me." Her voice broke, her lips began trembling.

Kylo pushed her into his arms, immediately relaxing as he felt her body against his. This was where he wanted to have her, forever; safe under him, together with Ben. Rey muttered into his robes. "This isn't as easy as I thought, Kylo. I'm sorry."

"Shh, babe. I'm sorry. I knew what we were getting into, but I should have told you more, made you see better."

"I just wanted light, you know. Benny is afraid in the dark, and, uhm."

Kylo rested top of his chin on her head and fumed. Fuck him and fuck this planet. Fuck his hypocrite of a mother for doing this to them, for scaring Rey on Cerea. If the resistance hadn't mingled, Kylo would have let them stay in that nice arboreal paradise. Now, they were all choking on Eriadu fumes and trying to score one ship that couldn't be traced. "I know he's afraid. I know you wanted it for him. Why didn't you tell me?" He pushed her gently aside."I would have gotten the light."

Rey wiggled her mouth like a bunny, melting him to the core. "I… I wanted to be useful. I could do it and save us money."

"Money? When have I ever said we don't have money?" He gave her a quick peck on the lips, because well, he wanted to.

"I don't know." Rey slid her hands under his arms, letting them rest on his back. "I don't know if we have or don't have. I never had a single credit to my name, so… I don't know how it works, and stuff."

"It works like this," he kissed her again, but just as she was parting her lips to take him in, he withdrew. "I have accounts in the Corellian bank, untraceable just as this ship I got us." He kissed her again, tormenting her because now, he was shuffling them both towards that creaky bed. "And they are transferable to your handprint, and yours only. You don't need a name or any holo to prove it."

"So," Rey pushed him down on bed and sat across his lap."I could be a rich widow, if I wanted to?"

He smirked, brushing her hair away. "Oh yes. You could toss me out of a window or lure me into a trap, and the credits would be yours." He sighed contentedly when he felt her grind on his lap, resting her forehead against his. "You could just scoop the gold and leave for some nice planet, living with the baby. You could be free of slovenly rooms and cheap ships, dark nights and me. You could be free of me, Rey."

She froze. The way he said it… the tone made her sad. "You know I can't live without you, right?" She buried her hands into his hair. "You know that I love that dark room because you're in it, with us. I don't wanna fly a nice ship alone. If you fly us in the old one, I am happy."

Kylo gulped, having a need to swallow something scraping in his throat. He felt like crying. But he didn't. He simply spoke into her lips. "This is temporary. I promise, we're not gonna have to run and hide much longer. I will give you everything you deserve."

She felt his tongue inside her mouth and closed her eyes, pressing him even closer on her. "Uhm," she kissed him sloppily and didn't care about anything or anyone. Kylo undraped her tunic down in one swift motion. She grinded on his lap till his hard cock sprang into her stomach.

"You don't have to give me anything, Kylo. You don't have to have the need to reward me for being with you. I don't want anything but this, _us_ , together." She threw her head back as he kissed her breasts. He rested his hands on her sides, taking her nipples in hungrily, kissing her as if he had never tasted her body before.

His hot breath scorched her, made the dull ache between her legs more persistent. She felt herself getting wetter, soaking the flimsy fabric of her pants. "When's the clunker coming back?" He slid one hand inside her pants, stroking her through her panties.

"Oh," she moaned. "Uhm… now, I think. They're already late." How she didn't want him to stop.

"Too fucking bad for me. I'm gonna need a shower now, no matter what." He circled her nipples with his thumbs, enjoying the texture of her skin.

Rey's breaths got shallow, sharper. She jumped off him and dragged him to the bathroom. "What are you doing?" He asked when she locked the door.

"I want to have sex with my husband without one droid barging in on us. What do you think I'm doing?" Rey literally scraped the robes from him, viciously dismantling that black garb. And he gladly gave her a hand, and soon, he directed her to the tiled wall.

Standing behind her, Kylo raised her arms up and pressed her palms onto the cold tiles, covering them with his. He pried open her legs with his foot, just grinding against her ass. She moaned. His warm, hard erection wedged between her cheeks, so close, just rubbing her sensitive area.

"I fucking love you," he grabbed himself and rested weight on his thighs, as he positioned his cock at her entrance. Rey buckled her behind, just to give him better access. "You're so wet," he stretched her easily, kissing the back of her neck.

The position wasn't the greatest invention in the galaxy, but the alternative was not fucking when they couldn't have the bed, and that for Kylo equaled a _non_ alternative. He would have her in the sack of hay, if it came to it, sneezing days on afterwards.

Rey kept her arms above her head, her back bent and met his thrusts. "Yeah, "Kylo gripped her waist. Each slam into that perfect, tight ass while enjoying the snugness of her pussy felt as if life rewarded him for existing, as if _she_ rewarded him, just for being him.

"Uhm, no," she missed the connection as he slipped out momentarily.

Kylo sucked in for desperate gulps of air. "You're so wet, babe." He quickly stroked his cock, trying to wipe some of her juices off. She never felt this slick to him. He rammed back, grabbing her across the chest. He supported her body as the tiles cooled her breasts, but his breaths and grunts heated her back.

The door in the first room opened and shut. "FUCK!" Kylo cursed, ramming harder and quicker.

"No, no stop. Kylo, they're back, we can't." Rey felt her flesh knotting from the inside, her pussy became one torch which he kept heating with each savage, hard stroke. They faded into one big explosion, where he dug his nails into her, just surging balls deep in. Almost there, almost there, the friction grew insane He was shaking her entire body. "Fuck, fuck, I can't… you don't want to stop do you?"

"Eli, oh… no, I'm coming, oh yes, fuck me, come on, quickly." Rey massaged her clit vigorously, prolonging her release. This was not some romantic love making. Her ass was wet, her back was wet, just as his entire lower abdomen. They were both dripping, trying to just come quickly – out of spite, if nothing else. "Hmmmm," Kylo let out a long grunt. He pulled out and spurted all over her ass, giving her a good slap in the process.

"You good?" his large palms caressed her bum, going crazy from that handful. He kissed her shoulder blade.

"Yeah," Rey turned and scraped his stomach. "I hate this. I have to find me some thing so you don't have to pull out. I'm sorry, my love."

"Are you kidding," he leaned her on the wall, pressing their moist bodies together. "I'm just happy we can do this, in any way, or form," he smirked, kissing her. He loved how she called him _my love_. It sounded cheesy as hell, sickly sweet and just plain wrong for him; a tall mountain of a man. But he went giddy on the inside whenever she did it.

"Master Ren? Miss Rey? We are home and I do think young Master Solo needs to change his diaper."

Rey began throwing clothes on herself. "Kylo, wipe that look off your face before you go there."

"What look?" He grinned.

"That one," Rey's face crumpled in a rueful grimace. "I don't need Eli to know you just had some." She whispered.

"Oh, but what a _some_ it was."

"Kylo!"

"All right, all right." He let her buckle his belt. "Forgive me for feeling good after fucking my delicious, sweet wife. Not as if it isn't the highlight of my existence."

It totally was, he thought that night as he watched Rey and baby Ben sleep. She slept on her back, having the baby on top of her. Her hand rested on his back and Ben's pudgy cheeks drooled all over her. Kylo felt tired, but he stayed up late, just for this. He knew damn well that the moments like these would never repeat. Every day, Benny grew more and more. Every time Kylo made funny faces at his son, his green eyes shone wider and he laughed harder. The baby understood new things every passing day, and Kylo never wished to freeze time more than now.

He nuzzled his lips around a cup of warm tea the clunker had made him. Ok, so maybe she-droid wasn't so bad. He sipped that nice, herbal blend and sighed. "I wish I had a plan, Rey. I wish I knew the fuck what I am doing next. I don't know. I can't. "

She deserved the stars and every good thing in the galaxy. His son deserved it. But now, a beast couldn't give them that. The beast was dead, buried together with his mask that melted off of a sizzling face on Kitel Phard. Snoke hadn't contacted him ever since, and Kylo knew he was either dead or left the galaxy, sneaking away to the outer reaches from whence he came; to lick his wounds. That was why he had closed off the Force bond with Rey. That was why he hadn't come home for so long, hunted by the shadows of the past. Because what if the shadows hunted him back? He had no way of knowing, and no matter what the fools of the new republic thought, The First Order didn't die.

The remnants never died. They were waiting, festering for someone to resurrect them.

He killed three of his Knights, just to purge himself of all darkness – to be with her, _for her_. Three were still left. They were still somewhere in the crannies of the outer rim; perhaps plotting revenge, perhaps withering like young, misguided, abandoned children they were. Their master abandoned them. He abandoned his children of darkness to be with one he had made in light, his beloved son.

Kylo slurped the tea. Baby stirred and opened his eyes, coughing in that cute, undistinguishable sound all babies made. "Hey, buddy." Kylo whispered and took him, supporting his head. "Let's leave mommy sleep, shall we? Come here. "

New father inhaled deeply, not being able to get enough of that pleasant baby scent. This was how the new hope smelled like. This was how it felt like, tiny in his arms; now but a little thing he had to protect. Ben fell asleep again. Kylo sat down on a dilapidated rocking chair in the corner and laid the baby on his chest, bending his head back _. Can't my heartbeat wake him?_ Insane thought crossed his mind. Maybe not… maybe it actually soothed his son.

Shouts and some lewd words were heard from outside of the building. Bottles clank and Kylo alerted his ears. "Wankers. If they wake you, I will kill them."

He wasn't joking.

Maybe his presence soothed his son, just as he had been once soothing for Han Solo. Had his father seen the signs in him? Would Kylo recognize the darkness in his little Ben? Would it creep gradually, or would his toddler one day simply ignite his lightsaber and stab him with it? Kylo finally understood that caress Han had given him on the bridge. He would caress his son's face, no matter what, falling to the abyss to where he'd sent him. This baby was everything. Rey was everything.

"I wish I had a plan, buddy. I wish I did." He kissed Ben's head and fell asleep, unbeknownst to him, that another Skywalker, somewhere, in another part of the galaxy had that plan for him.


	29. Chapter 29

**Ascendance**

* * *

The transaction with Dressellian pirates went smoothly, and Kylo was leading Rey to the hangar where they docked their ship. He stole a glance at her from behind his shoulder. She hadn't complained – she never did – but he noticed she wasn't feeling well since they crashed on Eriadu.

"It's the fumes, the atmosphere," he cradled Benny in his arms, while Rey struggled to get out of bed. She threw the covers off, and shambled towards the sink.

"I'm fine."

"You're not. But we'll be out of here soon, I promise. You just take a look at the frigate and we're out of here in no time." And so they roved through the drydock and Kylo pressed the security code into the gadget. Rey paused, once he pulled down the covers. She pursed her lips, unable to speak – because what she saw made it all so much worse than just her painful headaches and constricted lungs.

"This… is the ship you got us?" She asked in disbelief.

"Yes," Kylo nodded, red spots flaring on his cheeks. "Nice, huh? I mean, it was cheap and all. It's not pretty, but it flies. And look," he hopped to the orange, rusty thingy. "I got us an astro droid to go with it." Kylo said, awaiting her appraisal. "Well?"

If he had a tail now, he would have wagged it like a dog. Rey just opened and closed her mouth a few times, unable to crush his giddiness like that. But she had no choice.

" _This_ …is the ship you got us?" She turned, look of utter horror painted on her face.

"Uhm – yes. What's wrong with it?"

"Well – for starters, it's utter garbage. Second, it has no hyperdrive vindicator, so we can orbit this nice, poisonous planet and its moon, but that's about it. "Rey bent down, examining the undercarriage.

"What? No, they said… it has hyperdrive. It has to be there."

"Where?" She snorted and crossed her arms.

"Somewhere," he said sheepishly. _Shit_.

"I," Rey gave herself a thumbs up," am an expert on spacecraft, Kylo. I disassembled this AZ- 37 corvette model, lithe A class frigate as a ten year old. I think I can tell when a ship has or hasn't got a functional hyperdrive vindicator and this one," she patted the hull. "Does not. It's a large metal tube thingy missing from right under here."

Rey crouched and pointed at a grey area with several weakly attached bolts. "I mean, aside from the fact we're stranded here, I would laugh. You actually paid for this? Oh stars."

That red flare now reached his big ears. He would have taken a nice, long torture session with Snoke over this humiliation. He kicked an invisible pebble on the ground, just transferring weight from one foot to another. "I think you're exaggerating a bit. It can't be that bad. Let me take a look. " He tried to sneak under the ship and convince her that that invisible hyperdrive was _not_ invisible; that it wasn't missing. But he couldn't even get under; he was so tall and clumsy.

"Ouch," she heard a dull thump because he bumped his head, and tried to sneak under another way.

Rey just threw her palms across her badly hidden laughter. Let him take a look? He said it as if he were the expert, but in fact, he was oblivious. Her face got so red, she felt like burning. "Uhm, Kylo – why the eff didn't you bring me to that meeting? One look and I would have told you all this before you paid. And before you rendered our escape route closed."

He somehow managed to get from under that ship, reorganizing his mussed hair. Oh yes, peacock, Rey bit her lip. He had screwed up, but gods forbid his hair didn't look good and him all tall and proud. She loved him… she loved this about him, these great bouts of insecurity where little Ben Solo Ren waited for scolding.

"Can someone fix it?" He attempted a business like tone. He would _not_ let her rub this in.

"Yes, lucky for you, you're kinda married to one of the best mechanics in here so, I can fix it. But it will take time and new vindicator, and," she tapped her chin. "Now that I think of it, why not get us a new ship, it will be cheaper."

"Can't." He shook his head. "This one's a ghost. It's been written off as dead and unused, currently residing on Jakku junkyard, paper-wise. I will get you what you need, you fix it and let us just," He averted his eyes, unable to face Rey's twinkling, wistful stare. "Let us just leave this fucking nightmare behind us."

"Wise words, my dear husband." Rey patted his arm.

"You won't make fun of me, right?" He asked on their way out.

"Me?" Rey batted her eyelashes innocently. "Nooo, me? Never. Fun of what? You are one savvy businessman, Kylo. True ship merchant. "

"Stop it."

Her laughter echoed in the hollow hangar. "No, no you are. Very skilled in so many fields, you just have to be bad in one."

"Am not. And drop it, scavenger."

"Consider it dropped. Just like this ship should have been dropped on that junkyard ages ago." She hollered with laughter.

"You little minx," Kylo started tickling her sides, and Rey's echoes were dying out in the darkness of a closed storage.

So, Rey began working on their ship, while Kylo grew more restless each passing day. They should have been out of here weeks ago. This place… they should not linger so long. He had a bad feeling every time he peeked out of the window and saw a squadron of stormtroopers, now again back in the service of the republic, patrolling the streets. His eyes never shut for more than three hours at night, because he had felt something ominous brewing on the horizon; in the Force. He felt a presence of someone he couldn't bring himself to kill, his Knights. They wouldn't know how to get to him, though – he had cloaked himself in the Force. Still, he sensed it, that pervasive darkness and fear he had taught them to spread. If he had to guess, he would have said they weren't far, perhaps even in the same star system, and that scared him more than he showed.

His hands shook every time he opened that hangar for her, and let Rey work in the heinous part of town, where none of them were safe.

"You don't really have to come with me every day, you know." She was standing on the highest rung of the ladder, twisting a big wrench around an opened hatch.

Kylo was sprawled on a chair, his long legs parted and his fingers tapping on his thighs. "I don't mind. I wouldn't let you be here on your own."

"But I do mind, you're making me nervous." She murmured.

"What's that?"

"Nothing, nothing." Rey shut the tertiary circuit to the exhaust port of the vindicator. "And now, I have to attach this to the selenium centrifuge. Hmm, hand me the soldering gun."

Kylo drew himself up and passed her the tool. He had to flex his bicep to pick it up, so he could only imagine how Rey must have felt. But if she did, she never let it show. He sat back and just stared, admiring her even more. The way she creased her brows in utter concentration, the way she forgot she was balancing on an eight feet tall ladder, the way her hands fussed and worked like that of a skilled machine.

He admired her raw determination not to complain or bitch, just get things done and let them leave. He even learnt to trust that droid to take care of their son, while they tried to get the ship running. Eli would take him to the Eriadu pavilion, a special dome where one paid and could spend an afternoon in the oxygen gardens, breathing nice, fresh air. OK, maybe he _semi_ -trusted the clunker, but still – he did it for Rey.

"How come I don't have to listen to your tirade today?" She had asked earlier, putting a little blue cap on Ben's head, tucking his hair under it gently.

"Tirade? What?"

Rey whispered. "About Eli, that she's taking him out again."

"I don't know," Kylo shrugged, leaning on the counter. "I guess I got used to it. It can be trusted, now." He watched the baby coo and chew on this special milky treat Rey got him. Kylo wouldn't tell her that he had reprogrammed droid's protocol to combat mode whenever attacked. He knew his son was in safe hands, not by some miraculous trust resolve, but because he had made damn sure that this domestic droid could kick anyone's ass.

"All right, that's it. I guess I'm done for the day," Rey sealed the hatch, making sure all the circuits were closed.

Kylo sprung up and held her hand, while she descended down the ladder. He looked at her. Her face was glistening of sweat and oil smudges, her lips were dry and hands blacker than a night in the asteroid belt. Damn, she looked hot. "You know," he wound his arms around her bum, grabbing her possessively. "I used to get all dirty like this as a kid. I would poke our droids and always disconnect their wiring, when no one was paying attention to me."

"Really?" Rey smiled. "How often did you get away with that?"

"A lot." He fixed his gaze above Rey's shoulder, into the wall. "People were rarely paying attention to me, and that went double for my parents."

 _Shit, shit, shit_. Alarms in Rey's brain started shouting. What to do, what to do… Kylo _never_ talked about his family or his childhood. In fact, he never talked about himself much. Rey knew the man she loved, and that was enough for her; but she would lie if she claimed she didn't want to know every little detail of his existence. So, when he opened up like this, she had no idea how to act or what to say.

"You don't have to say anything."

"Sorry," she looked on her shoes. "I forgot my thoughts are yours sometimes." _Stupid Force bond._

"Everything yours is mine, all the time. And vice versa," he skimmed her jaw. He was about to kiss her, when a strange frequency in the air thrust them back to harsh reality.

Kylo immediately jumped back and pulled out a small, black, rectangular metal plate from his pocket. "Huh, my old tracker. It hasn't transmitted in months, I turned it off."

"Oh, believe me – I know." Rey said bitterly, recalling her mad fear for his safety on Cerea. "What's it say?"

He didn't speak. His profile got sharp. All of a sudden, Rey was reminded of the drenched man who had returned aboard the _Finalizer_ that one night he had been killing villagers on Ahch-To. She saw it so vividly, she took a step back. His eyes daggered that com device, his free hand curled inwardly and a chill ran up Rey's spine.

"Run. Get out of here, Rey – you need to run!"

His voice got lost in the mist that had enclosed Rey. She had to close her eyes to regain composure. The Force… echoes and wails reverberated in the empty hangar. This felt like a mind probe. Someone, something was invading her head, and planting terror there as one plants a crop in the field. Those languid whispers stretched like molasses, saying things, terrible things to Rey… things about Kylo.

She gasped for air.

The earth shook, and she found herself in the middle of a battlefield, a sizzling fiery pit. The walls were trembling, TIE fighters and X wings roaring in the wind, blasting every rock, metal and body in their way. The bodies were being thrown high in the air, limbless, bleeding, broken and twisted in vulgar shapes of not a man, but an animal.

And in the middle of it all towered the masked beast. He was slashing corpses, left and right; his roar that of agony. Shadowtroopers flanked behind him, creating an impenetrable formation. And Kylo didn't spare a soul. Children, women, old and sick… just innocent civilians of Kitel Phard all fell down by the heat of his sword.

"Rey…" dark, deep whisper called her name. "Rey…" she covered her ears and fell down. Her knees hit glass shards, but then, she landed onto something soft; a torso without head or limbs.

Her scream cut the sky. No one heard it. No one could, when they all screamed for their lives, for their very souls. She saw him nearing her spot. He raised his lightsaber. "NO! Kylo, what are you doing! Stop, please, stop!"

He spun his head in her direction. Rey was barely breathing, choking on fear and cold tears. "Rey…" that unholy voice called to her once more. Kylo walked slowly towards her, and six shadows arose behind him; his Knights of Ren. And Rey saw nothing more, but felt her flesh being burnt by the plasma of his blade.

She opened her eyes, and a blade really hit her left arm.

And she screamed.

The hangar became her tomb; Rey fell on her knees, confused and hurting more than ever before in her life. She glanced on that shoulder – a vibroblade was jagged it in, and above her loomed a masked man dressed in black, one of those shadows from the vision. She couldn't defend herself even if she wasn't fossilized on the spot. She felt the fire burning, she felt her bone crack and tendons rip apart, she felt warm blood leaving her veins, and then…

Red blade swung and the head of Knight of Ren rolled down on the hangar floor. She fell alongside with it. Kylo did something with her, or shouted something… she didn't care. He suddenly became horizontal, since she slumped down on the ground, unable to just _be_.

She was dying.

She knew.

Rey didn't see three other corpses he had slain in that hangar. She didn't see Kylo's bloodied hand and limp. She didn't see or feel anything, because she was no more. She fought her last remnants of consciousness to picture her son's face. She couldn't even do that. The pain consumed her whole, and another voice, gentle one, whispered to her.

"Let go, Rey. Feel the Force; feel it in your heart. The Force will guide you, my beloved granddaughter. These are your last steps."

So she did, harnessing that luminous matter which permeated the galaxy; the one where the beauty of the stars paled and then, the Force did set her free.

…

If she should guess, Rey would have said she was dead. It certainly felt like it. But she wasn't. She heard and saw the most bizarre images in the Force. She fell deep into a dark chasm. There was no light, no air, no sun shining on her face.

She heard mechanical breathing, a contraption which pumped oxygen into the lungs of someone sheathed in the armor far darker and greater than that of Kylo Ren. Darth Vader, yes, she recognized him. Those breaths rattled like death. Then, she saw two young men fight on the lava planet. The heat was unbearable. One loved the other, but they brought death onto their own.

And then, she saw more blood spilled than she'd ever imagined possible. Rey walked beautiful night halls, and mourned. She became a mourner for the entire Galaxy; for those giant, red dwarves which exploded after billions of years of existence. She wept for the stars that hadn't been born yet. She wept for her baby and Kylo – but then, she felt as if they were just small dust specks on the canvas of universe.

And Kylo saw it all.

He was holding her good hand, while the rest of her lay submerged in the bacta tank. He wouldn't let go. Silver chain was stuck between their joint hands, the jappor snippet hanging from it. Kylo would glance at it, counting all the scratches and ridges of that token. P&A was no more; instead, their initials shone new in the olden wood, larger B and R coiled around it. Kylo watched her chest rise and fall, here and there tightening his grip on her, or shifting their palms when his hand started cramping.

One strand of hair on his temple grayed. His nose would bleed occasionally, his mouth parched and his vision blackened. But he didn't care. As long as he held that hand, he directed the life essence from him to her in the Force.

"I should have killed them all before. I should have killed them." He kept saying. "I took pity on them. Never again. Mercy," he wiped cold sweat from his forehead.

A healer passed their ward and bit her lip. Kylo glared at the woman and she scurried away. Once, only once they dared to tell him he was pale and looked like death and that perhaps he "needed rest." Only once. Never again, after he had dealt with them.

"Mercy… I've shown them mercy because I loved them as brothers, Rey. If you saw under masks… arhgh," he gripped her palm harder. Nausea surged through him, but he kept going. "I won't let go. We did this once before, remember? You came back. You will come back again. It's my fault, Rey."

"Sir, you really should have that cut looked at. It's not looking good." Senior healer dressed in robes so white they blinded Kylo spoke. "Your friend is in good care, Mister Walker. It looks like she's going to pull through, and may not even lose that arm. Huh," healer touched her plasma screen. "That is surprising, but I guess our medical facility provides the best-"

"She will not lose it because I am helping her, you fucking prick." Kylo yelled. He didn't give a shit if anyone knew or not. "Get out of here. Leave us be."

He spent three days and nights over Rey's limp form. He saw his son only through the glass panel dividing the ward from the guest area. "Do not worry, Master Ren. Young Master Solo is in good hands. I take care of him just as well as Missis would. I do feel sad for her. I have no feelings, but my protocol functions out of the ordinary ever since she got injured. All will be well, Sir. All will be well." Eli patted Kylo on his arm, the one not squeezing Rey's hand.

"Thanks," he muttered. "Thank you. I mean it." He raised his eyes and addressed the droid as equal, for the first time ever. _Hard to insult someone who is keeping your child alive._ After those seventy hours, he could give no more. He was so spent, that he collapsed on top of her bacta tank; the staff unable to move him anywhere.

She began recuperating, but the healers kept her in an induced coma to accelerate the healing. Kylo went home after four days. He forgot who and where they were. Just as he was unlocking their room, his weary eyes rested on a poster on the wall. It glossed, freshly glued.

ATTENTION CITIZENS.

"The New republican Senate has issued a creed to capture all war criminals and fugitives of the disassembled First Order. The bounties on their capture and safe return to the hands of the law are as follow. We urge the citizens not to inflict any harm on these men who must be held accountable for their crimes against you, the good people of the galaxy, and the New Republic."

Kylo tore it off and quickly closed the door. His name shone among the first ones on the list, right after several Grand Admirals of the Order Starfleet, and Supreme Leader Snoke.

He saw a face of his mother behind it. "Treacherous swine!" Kylo tore the poster into miniature pieces, fighting with it till it rained across the floor. "Bitch, stupid… how can you do that? To your own son!" he stomped on those shredded bits. "You call yourself a mother?" He kicked the bed. He surged at that dilapidated rocking chair and threw it into the wall, hitting it with such intensity, bits of plaster fell off.

This was too much.

He felt a wound open, in his heart, in the Force.

He began crying.

Kylo slumped on the floor and cried. He fucked it all up. If he hadn't come back… if he only brushed those scratches on the willow, saw the outline of Rey in the window and turned back, none of this would have happened. No, that wasn't it. If he had only committed to the First Order fully, he would have fought harder and won. No, there was more. If the Order hadn't lost, she would have been safe with him on the _Interdictor_ , and the baby would fall asleep watching the stars with his mother, rather than crying in the droid's arms, choked on the gaseous atmosphere.

He bent his long legs and cried into his knees, soaking the pants. Hard, man's sobs shamed him. His weak limbs and splitting pain inside shamed him. When he cried as a child, Chewie always found him hidden in the _Falcon._ That warm fur and kind face would console him, hot, boy's tears falling into it. There was no one to dry man's tears, though.

He found something and then, he lost it.

Ever since he met her, it was a constant cycle of fleeting happiness, and profound sorrow. She felt like a moth in his palm. Let loose, and she will fly away. Close it too tight and break her wings. And now, there were two moths, and Kylo had no idea what to do, where to go… who to turn to. He had taken orders from Snoke his entire life. What does one do, where he has no one to follow, but people he loves depend on following him? He was alone, in the dark, shaking as he tried to still his sobs. Tears had dried up hours ago. Only pain presided over him.

"I don't know what to do, father." He pulled out a miniature dice from his wallet. He had kept it all those long years, this dice from the _Falcon_ which they used to play dejarik. He called to Han, perhaps the only one who ever loved him, before Rey. "I don't know. I am sorry. I tried to be merciful and look what happened. I should have killed them all… but I didn't," he wiped his nose into his sleeve.

"I can't come back to the light, I can't. Mother won't let me. I will never be good enough, I can't come back. I can only fight, more, harder." He said through his stuffed sinuses.

"I'm sorry, dad. I'm sorry." He wept for that inconsequential smuggler, rolling the dice between his knuckles. He regretted killing him – there and then, in the filthy, abandoned chamber, all alone in the world. All the misery and guilt hit him at once. He would never see him again. Han Solo didn't have the Force, he wouldn't come back as a ghost, ever. And Ben Solo realized this, not Kylo Ren.

He closed his eyes on that dirty floor, brought the dice to his chest, and the Force did set him free.

Sharp, morning sun hit his eyes, peeking through the tattered blinds. Kylo blinked, trying to evade the direct hit. He rolled on the floor where he had fallen asleep. Rey wasn't there. Only the droid, watching over small bundle in white sprawled in the middle of that massive bed. Kylo immediately jumped to his feet. The taste of acetone dominated his mouth, and he couldn't stand looking at light. His head and muscles ached like crazy.

"Benny, come here." He picked him up and couldn't help but stare kindly at the droid. "I haven't heard you come in. Did he, uhm… did he sleep? Is he fed?"

Eli's translucent eyes shone yellow and she moved her arms mechanically. "Yes, Sir. Young Master has everything he needs. He did cry, but you slept so hard I feared you were actually deceased, Sir."

Pang of guilt washed over Kylo. He had crumbled last night, and that was all and well, but he forgot he didn't just mourn his wife. He had a son now, a responsibility that came in front of anything. He sat on bed and took the bottle from Eli. "Come on, Ben," Kylo tried to force it into his firmly pressed mouth.

The pout was killing him… Rey's pout. And Rey's eyes were looking at him, even if the shape was his. Kylo saw so much behind them, that he almost heard her patronizing voice. _"No, Kylo – you have angled it wrong. He won't drink like adults, you have to... ugh there, let me show you."_

"Yes, this is exactly what your mom would say, isn't it?" He repositioned the bottle, but the baby just smacked his lips, and refused to suck.

"Come on, Ben, please. You have to help me here. I don't know how to do this."Kylo sighed, so weary, feeling sorry for himself. It was a pitiful sight to behold, indeed. One young, beaten man gained more than he had bargained for in little over a year. He wanted to rule the galaxy, subdue people, conquer planets. What of it, now?

"Oh, good boy, you're such a good boy." Kylo kissed the top of his head, as Ben finally decided to drink. He sighed in relief over this small victory. Why did it feel better than conquering that planet; more important than subduing the galaxy?

Kylo wrestled with those impossibly tiny clothes Rey always got him in with such ease. "Hold still, ugh, now this goes…" he scratched his head."Here?" He tried to roll up a sleeve of something that was supposed to be a shirt, only shrunk and it didn't go over head, _at all_.

He got sweaty and flustered, fuming all over. He tried folding and unfolding those little pieces of nothing. "Why does this not go over head?" He asked so seriously, that Rey would have mocked him for ages, if she were there.

 _If she were there…._ Kylo wiped his eyes. They stung of yesterday's sorrow and today's frustration.

Baby Ben watched him with a pensive look on his face, as if he tried to commiserate with this fight of a century. He stuck his little legs up, kicking them in the air. "This bit, this dangly bit goes first," he was trying to direct his daddy, the name he learnt in his head when he thought about this guy. But the guy was clueless.

Kylo gently pushed the legs down. Ben stuck them up again, gurgling. He joined his mini heels together, and the diaper was now in Kylo's face. "Aaargh!" He tossed the onesie on the floor. He raked through his greasy, damp hair. "Mother of… droid! Come here!"

They managed to get out of the house in only an hour. "How sad," Kylo thought when Ben sprung to life once they entered the medi bay. "You sense your mom in the Force, don't you. You want her. Don't worry, we'll be there in a minute."

She was reclined on a regular medi bed. Her bad arm was wrapped in a triage, tucked under white gown. "Can we?" Kylo peeked inside. "Can we come in?"

Rey nodded.

He was about to hand her the baby automatically, but then caught himself. So, he slouched on a small chair and sat Benny on his lap, supporting him with one arm. Rey said nothing. She looked at them and attempted a smile that wouldn't come. This wasn't a cause for celebration. Her survival meant nothing. Something broke, something tangible breathed down their neck now, that she had seen what he had done; what he really was.

Kylo knew it. He said nothing as well. They were just sitting there, in dead, cold silence. Only the machines and ticking clock disturbed it; and the baby who didn't seem to be fazed by anything. He gurgled and whimpered, occasionally grabbing Kylo's sleeve and played with it. Rey took in Kylo's state. She had never seen him looking worse than that. He wore his leather pants and T-shirt with a jacket on it, all black, all contrasting with his pale visage.

Kylo took a deep, forced breath. "How are you feeling?"

"Better."

"Does it hurt?"

"Yes."

Ben drooled on Kylo and he took out a handkerchief and wiped his chin. "I tried to get him that suck thing you did, but I couldn't find it."

"It's in my bag with wheels. How is he?" Rey asked.

"Fine."

"Really? What's he wearing? Who put him in that?"

"I did. I mean, I tried." He squirmed in the chair. "The patent is impossible, let me tell you."

Rey lifted her torso more, to see. "It's a onesie, Kylo. It has buttons between his legs, where the diaper goes. You put it from the bottom, up."

"Oh," he said and put on the most interested grimace he could muster. "Good to know."

Baby Ben gyrated his head a bit, looking at his dad in I told you so fashion, thinking, "I was sticking bits to you, you didn't get it. "

That diffused the tension, both of them felt it. Rey beckoned with her good hand. Kylo shuffled the chair closer; scraping it loudly on the floor. He could touch her now, feel her. But it was Rey who brushed his hair softly. "Your hair is gray, my love."

His lips quivered. She called him that… she called him my love, even after he had almost gotten her killed; after she had seen him in the Force vision his knights had planted in her head. She didn't want him gone. She didn't curse him or sent him away. She didn't immediately snatch his son and screamed, just to get away from the murderer.

"Whe-?" His voice broke. He gulped hard.

"Here," Rey's eyes welled up. She cupped his cheek. "This entire strand; it's white. It looks fine, though. You're still dashing."Both of them chuckled through tears. Ben followed, mimicking the laughter of his parents.

"I'm sorry." His couldn't find words, couldn't let them out. He spoke through silent tears.

"I know. It's all right."

"It's not. But it will be. I promise, Rey," he took her palm and kissed it. "It will be fine, we'll be fine. The minute you're free to go, we're taking whatever ship we can and we're out of here. I don't care. I will get you to safety."

"Don't you need a ghost ship?"

"Fuck that. I don't give a rat's ass. We're out of here on whatever ship we can."

Rey pursed her lips. "Don't say f-word in front of Ben. He's too smart, he will remember it."

"He is smart, isn't he? I mean, he basically dressed himself this morning, I had no clue what I was doing, Rey."

"Did you kill them? Those men?" Rey swept the soft waves of her son absentmindedly.

"Yes. I don't know how they found me, maybe through the Force. Although how, is a mystery for me. They're weak Force users. I mean… they _were_ ; nothing special, just untrained, young men; my friends, once. They wanted revenge."

"They got one." She sighed.

"Not on me. They saw you, they went right after you first. I couldn't hold them off on my own, I wasn't fast enough. You went down; they tortured you in the Force. It's a technique, it's…" He stopped talking when her face got paler and paler. "Are you in pain?"

"Yes," she cried through gritted teeth, fighting with all she got. "I just feel it again," Rey shut her eyes tight. She was shaking, hitching her breath on purpose not to scream. "The blade…" she let out the smallest shout she could, gripping the sheets.

"Healer!" Kylo handed the baby to some mundane face. "Take him."

"What? Sir, the patient clearly needs my help, medical assistance, new bacta-"

"You will take my son and get out," he waved his hand in front of the flabbergasted healer. "I have a droid waiting outside, you will be with the baby until I come back." She obeyed, her stare got vacant and she took Ben and started baby-talking to him.

Kylo quickly jumped into bed with Rey and held her. "It's all right. It's phantom pain, Rey. They suffused the blade with dark artifacts, it's an ancient dark side ritual; it takes ashes of your enemies to do it."

She collapsed into him. She gripped his strong arms so hard, she drew blood. He felt nothing, only her shaking, petite body. "It feels real, it's real. It hurts, Kylo make it stop." Her entire chemise drenched with sweat; her muscles began twitching and he had to clasp her harder than he'd wished to prevent her from hurting herself. "Please, please," she was begging as if he could alleviate it.

He would sell his soul to be able to, but he couldn't. He had devised that technique under Snoke's tutelage, he knew of it. Only the bearer of the wound could harness the strength to oppose it.

He held her tight. "It's not real, Rey. Shhh, it will pass. You can fight it, in the Force. It's not real… keep telling yourself that it's not real."

She was crying, hard and long. Her maddening sobs killed him. She let out a wail, then a shuddery, deep breath. No pain could ever compare to this, not that of bombing on Corellia, not that of childbirth either. Every new one stabbed him deeper. Every tear twisted the knife in him. In that moment, he regretted killing the Knights in the hangar. He shouldn't have let them off so easy. He directed all energy he had left to soothing her, once again. She would wake up in these bouts of lucidity, where she'd press her forehead on his wrist.

"Kylo," she whimpered.

He enclosed his palm around her jaw, letting her feel his pulse. Somehow, this calmed her. "I'm here. You're fine, Rey. It's not real, babe."

"It's…not, it's not real," she repeated dazedly, and half-passed out again.

When the ache peaked, she writhed in the sheets in complete silence. That was when he knew what he had to do. Hearing Rey through their bond, praying to the Force it would kill her; that was the last drop.

"Babe, Rey, I'm here. I'm with you and we can get through this. It's not real," he kissed her temple and didn't let go. Oh, how prophetic that the person he loved the most in the world was now suffering from the torture he had devised. If he had only known…

"I want to die," she whispered.

"Shhh, I love you. Rey, it's not real. I'm here." His eyes opened automatically. He was so tired, so drained of energy, but when she stirred, he was right there, whispering and kissing her again.

She loved her son, and Kylo fancied himself to be loved somewhere along those lines, too. What pain must have possessed her, when she prayed to be taken away from them? The dark side... she was feeling it to the full extent. She couldn't control it, she wouldn't succumb to it. Kylo knew. He felt it, that nightmare he had been living for decade with Snoke. One never felt pure again. Only when he met Rey, he felt whole and maybe on the way to healing.

It took hours to get her to sleep; but Kylo knew she had passed out of pain; not sailed on the cloud to peaceful slumber.

Here lay two broken souls, tangled together. He kissed her feverish temple, holding her close. "This isn't worth it." He whispered into her matted hair. She smelled of iron. "We need help. I need help. I can't do this."

Kylo left her only to take care of the baby; and this cycle continued for two more excruciating, long weeks. When the young couple finally boarded that ship, a pair of two old souls had ascended up the trap door. But it was an ascendance. They made it out of this nightmare. They didn't lie to each other about what they had gotten themselves into. Rey's hand regained full mobility, only thanks to Kylo's Force healing. He saved her once again; but she would get these bouts of occasional pain. Long, ribbed scar trailed across her shoulder, but that was the least of her sorrows.

His hair though, that one gray strand didn't go away. Rey loved it, more so as a constant reminder what he'd sacrificed for her. They boarded the ship with two small bags, Benny tucked in his mommy's arms, and Eli, who never heard herself be called 'clunker' again from her tempestuous Master.

"Beep, bip bop, beep," orange R2-63 astro mech beeped, as he clicked into the outer cockpit of the shuttle.

"Hold on standby, R2. Setting the coordinates for the hyper propulsion drive." Rey spoke from the pilot's seat. She looked at Kylo. "Where to?"

He slumped on the co-pilot's seat and turned several levers up, clicking the gear with ease. "There's only one place we can go now."

"Are you sure?"

"We have no other choice. Either he'll kill me, or send us all away, but we have to try this. We've run out of options."

"Ready, then?" She put her hand on the big clutch, starting the hyperdrive.

Kylo enclosed it in his larger palm. "Ready." Together, they pushed it and the rattling ship carried them through millions of stars to their only hope.

* * *

 **A/N This was so hard... ugh. Not an easy writing at all, emotionally wise. They were at the lowest point. Running from everyone, hunted and struggling with one's own demons isn't easy. Thank you for reading and comments, lovely folks :) P.S I really felt for Kylo here, as in, the entire path he had been building for himself for years has led him only to hell. Thank the fucking stars for Rey and the baby, I tell ya.**


	30. Chapter 30

**Paradox**

* * *

Rey was walking across lush, green field. The grass reached above her ankles and her cape was sweeping the morning dew from the blades. No sound was heard, only that rustling of fabric and her laborious breathing.

"You have to go first." Kylo whispered, cradling sleeping Ben in his arms."You have to go down and find him. It can't be me."

Rey put her cloak on. She hissed audibly when her left hand slithered under, and buckled the clasp. "I know. "

"I'd go, but…"

"I know," Rey let out a fortified whisper, still loud enough for her son's eyelids to flutter."What do I tell him, Kylo? How do I even begin to approach him? Last time we were there, you trashed his hut and stole his lightsaber."

"And fucked you in his bed," He stuck out his chest and his gaze lingered on Benny, proud that this was a result of it.

Rey stuffed her meager belongings into a linen bag. "You're impossible. That's what you recall?"

Kylo smirked."Oh yeah, and you, bathing in that lagoon." His eyes softened. "I haven't forgotten. I remember every single day and night of you, Rey."

"Can I maybe…can I take him with me? Maybe it'll soften the blow."

"No," he shook his head resolutely. "I'm not letting my son anywhere near the bastard."

"Kylo," Rey put the palm on his forearm where the baby was nestled, as if sleeping on a cloud. "You have to stop thinking about him like that. He's the one who can help us. None other. You simply can't do this anymore, good, bad… it's family, your family and you have no one else."

"You're my family. He's my family." He adjusted Ben's tiny legs hanging out of his arms. "I don't care about the grand master Jedi, too good, too important to have spread himself to all his padawans. You don't know anything about him. I do."

Rey let her features mellow. She deftly tightened her last bun, the one in which she hoped Luke would recognize her. She had been there, almost a year ago and he took pity on her. He had her fed, clothed, he gave her shelter. She was no one, back then, but a tired, freezing, skinny girl; a feral cat who cursed at him as a greeting. Now, she was a Skywalker by marriage and she gave them one by blood. Perhaps not all Kylo's crimes would be forgotten, and hers might not be as well; but this baby might mean a fresh starts for one cursed family.

"Well," she threw her bag across her good shoulder. "Behave, my love." She stood on her toes to kiss Kylo. He bowed down and they shared a kiss, small one that felt warm and reassuring.

'We have each other.

If nothing else, we have you, me and him in the entire galaxy.

If he turns his back on us, we're still good because I love you and you love me, and we got Benny – and he loves us both, clueless little people who have made him.'

Rey's hand shook when she adjusted the hem of Benny's blue cap. She had never been away from her son, only when in bacta tank. Oh, how she yearned to take him with her. She felt sure of herself when he rested on her breasts. She felt strong and ready to fight armies, if it was to protect him.

"I'll be back, or I'll call for you."

"Be safe," Kylo whispered, taking a few steps to the descend port. "And don't forget – don't trust him, Rey. Whatever you do, just be cautious. I'll keep the ship on standby. If you need to run, run here and we'll fly in under a minute."

So, she toiled through the miry meadows and acres of green. Her ankles squelched in wet soil; her cape dragged behind, the ending dipped in water. She breathed in a strong scent of sea and immediately thought of the lullaby she used to sing to Ben. She smiled to herself. "You'll love it here, baby. Come to me, oh whispering sea," she began humming the melody, feeling closer to him now.

Rey walked for hours, till she finally spotted the outline of the old Jedi Temple. She had no clue whether Luke was there or not. She didn't feel him any special in the Force, nor did she see any sign that his old hut was inhabited. She forgot the way to it, through these island glens. The temple, though – that she remembered.

"Ugh, uff," she began ascending the rows of rocky steps; each steeper than the other. There were hundreds of them, coiled upwards on a path to the top. What awaited, she could only guess. She wished she had her staff, nice and easy support. She didn't, though. It might have been forever lost on Corellia.

The sun baked her face, a rare oddity peeking from under the cotton of clouds strewn across the horizon. Rey reddened, huffed, but still enjoyed the color of the sea which changed from dark gray to rich blue. She propped herself on her thighs and crossed the last step.

A figure was waiting for her at the edge of the cliff. Rey's heart began pumping blood frantically. She knew. She dared to creep slowly behind him. Luke Skywalker turned. Gone was the face of an old, cantankerous hermit who had sheltered her a year ago.

He looked the same, only not. His face looked younger, the beard trimmed and his posture was not hunched as he had faked before, perhaps for her amusement, perhaps for his. Rey walked cautiously forward. She stopped few feet from him.

None of them spoke.

The skin around his eyes drew tight. Rey gulped, rummaging in that linen bag. She pulled out a lightsaber handle and stretched her arm.

She was holding it to him, as a peace offering, as a sacrifice to the ancient gods of the galaxy. The silence was, but also wasn't. The island murmured, whispered in the way only nature could, and they both heard it, in the way only the Jedi could.

Rey's arm began trembling, but she kept it extended and gazed into his silver eyes. She never averted hers, beckoning with all she got. She would kneel, beg or crawl in the mud, if that was what took it to get him see. Luke Skywalker pulled down his hood and stepped closer.

"Do you know that this was written in the stars?" He asked quietly.

Rey's voice trembled. "What was?"

"This very encounter. It would have always happened, like this, sooner or later. The Force prophesized it. And now, you finally embraced your destiny, Rey."

"I…uhm, take it. It's yours." She waggled the lightsaber in the air."I didn't mean to have it so long. It was an accident. I'm sorry."

Luke's palm finally enclosed the hilt, brushing Rey's fingers. She felt a jolt of electricity surge through her.

"Yes, I noticed it was missing," his eyes twinkled. "Did it serve you well? Have you put it to good use?"

Rey embraced her torso against mighty wind currents typical for the low tides. "I protected myself with that lightsaber more than I can count. I killed with it, too. I trained with it. It's a good weapon."

"You trained," Luke twirled it skillfully. "You killed….looks like you can take care of yourself, girl. Why come to me? Why now?"

She tucked stray wisps of her hair behind her ear. "Because I need your help. _We_ need your help. It's not just me I came to beg for. It's my husband and my son, my family."

Luke's arm fell limp. He took a step closer, till she saw the very stars in his eyes sparkle. He gazed at that spot on her chest where she kept the jappor snippet, neatly tucked under her chemise. His stare was burning, divining all her past, present, and future. Rey felt slight tingling sensation where that pendant rested.

"So, it is true. All of it." Jedi Master whispered. "Interesting."

"Will you help us, Luke Skywalker?" Rey lowered her eyes. "At this point, you're our only hope."

Luke's face closed in thought. He looked taken aback by that plea and Rey didn't understand why. "What's wrong? What did I say? I didn't mean to offend."

"Say it again, exactly like you did."

"What?" Rey gaped. Did he want to be begged, like a prince of the Force he was? She gritted her teeth, but indulged him. She would beg and kneel, if he ordered. Kylo and she were past pride. "Please, help us, Luke Skywalker. You're our only hope. It's true. You are, and…"

Luke raised his hand. "It is you," he murmured.

She stopped talking.

So, the prophecy of Master Yoda was true. Nothing was coincidence in their cursed bloodline. Nothing happened, what the Force hadn't planned a long time ago. It started raining, only a few droplets at first, but the sea brought gale upon them. Luke beckoned and she followed to that old hut of his.

It looked and smelled exactly like she remembered. He sat her down on a massive oak bench and began preparing a meal. Rey felt the awkwardness in the air, one could cut it with that dull knife with which he was chopping meat. "Can I ask you a question?" Rey bit her lip.

He nodded.

"Why didn't you tell me who you were? Back then, we when first met, when you saved me."

Luke tossed the meat on the simmering pan. He plucked several dried herbs hanging from the ceiling. He sprinkled them on top and the mouth-watering aroma rose in the air. The vapors wafted in small twirls. "It wasn't my place to do so, then. I didn't want to influence you. You would have stayed with me and demanded to be trained. And that wasn't in the stars, either."

Rey spun the mug of tea on the table. "Really? That's your answer? For someone who defeated all those bad people on your own, you sure are certain of the prophecies and stars." She jutted her chin.

"You already had a teacher, when you came to me." He stirred the sizzling meat.

"Who – Kylo?"

"No. Someone else."

He didn't discuss it further. Once the pot was cooked, Luke lay the entire pan in front of her. Rey felt silly. "Why?"

"Last time I reckon, you were a hungry one." He smiled and scraped some onto his own plate. "Well, come on. Dig in, girl, what are you waiting for? It's not getting any warmer."

Rey began eating. It was so bizarre, to be called 'a girl', when she was a woman, a mother. Kylo made her both; and only when she chewed her third serving, she realized how she missed him, and the baby.

Rey almost choked on meat when she noticed that creaky bed Kylo had ravaged her in. She willed her eyes to look into her plate, even though they strained to turn away. _Stupid fricking bed_.

Luke stuffed his wooden pipe with a blend. They sat on that oak bench and he began smoking.

"So, this is not just a façade?" She smiled. "You really did live here, like this?"

"Huhm. I came back for you, this time. I sensed you were coming before you even left your last hiding place. I admit, Kylo Ren has shielded you well. Not even I could find you in the Force. I felt you," he bit into the pipe handle to work the wood, make it more pliant. "But I didn't guess beyond several star systems."

Rey rested her craned head on the wall. "Yes. Kylo took care of me for so long. And I of him; we're a team, now." She said proudly. "He always protected us. I… I have a son, you know. His son."

Luke said nothing. Fragrant pipe fumes made her sleepy, snapping of wood in the fireplace drowsed her trepidation away.

"And…"Rey looked at his pensive profile. "It's him I've come to beg for. We tried this on our own, us three, but it led nowhere."

"How much do you know of the First Order, girl? How it came to be, how it fell?" Luke turned and faced her as well. "How much did _he_ tell you?"

"Not much," Rey admitted quietly. "I know what happened. I even saw a battle on Kitel Phard. It was… " she had no words to describe the horror of horrors which had nearly cost her life. "He's not one of them anymore, Luke. You have my word, he's not. He's changed. He's not evil anymore."

Luke chewed the pipe hard, suppressing his laughter of this beautiful, naïve soul. She used words like evil when describing his nephew. "I know evil, dear Rey. I've fought it. Evil gave birth to me, and my sister. Kylo Ren, however misguided he might have been, has never been evil. He tried to be," he tilted his head. "But he failed in that regard."

"Thank the bloody stars for that." Rey huffed.

"Why did you come here? What do you need from me? And also – they didn't have to be hulled in that ship. You'll sleep here tonight, and they will be uncomfortable there."

"Kylo needs protection. He's being hunted by the New republic. It's this thing that informed us." Rey fished out a crinkled poster from her bag.

Flames were dancing on Luke's visage; shadows cast from the cracking wood edged every line in his face deeper. He regarded the poster with a stern look. "My sister…"he sighed. "She has a very specific sense of justice. I told her not to do it. She misses you as well, she fell in love with that child of yours the moment she saw him."

Luke handed her the poster back. "She doesn't mean harm."

Rey scoffed. "No, she just hunts her own son who has enough on his plate as it is. I'd never do that to Benny, ever."

Suddenly, the poster fell on the floor. Rey's eyes began watering. _Oh no, please, not now, not ever, no, no._ She sighed, a hitched half moan, half cry. She grabbed her shoulder, but the pain only magnified.

"What is it?" Luke put down the pipe. He crouched in front of her. "Girl, what's wrong? Are you in pain?"

Luke touched her hand and gasped. He felt it, the darkness spreading in her like a poisonous river. He felt her being submerged in the deepest cesspool of it; and her pain, her will to fight it.

"No, no," she started shaking, swatting his hand. "Let go."

"Let me see, Rey!" He struggled to keep her still. "Let me see," Luke gently slid her crème shirt down. The shoulder… he'd rarely seen a wound that suffused with the dark side of the Force. The scar shone angry scarlet, trailing from her shoulder to the collarbone. It pulsated, whispered to him in a repulsive, foul language of the darkness he had faced too many times in his life.

"Rey, keep calm," He tried to put his palm on it. She kept tossing and crying.

"It hurts, it's real, it's real." Rey and the pain became one. Her bone cracked anew in her mind. Her muscle was being sliced, tendon after tendon; fiber after fiber. The vibroblade… she sensed it, buzzing and cutting her arm off, stopping only because Kylo's red lightsaber had cut the Knight's head off.

Luke covered his eyes. She was lost in the nightmare of her own making, suffering like an animal. She screamed, a shrill that faded into utter silence, and slumped on the floor, clawing the floorboards till her nails bled.

 _If you only knew the power of the dark side_ , Darth Vader once told him. And now, Luke knew. Now, he saw, the most innocent and purest suffer from it.

The door to the hut burst open.

Luke darted up, but the colossus that barged in wouldn't be stopped. Kylo quickly assessed the situation. "Move," he snarled at his uncle and knelt next to Rey. "Shhh," he immediately drew her up, to his arms. "Shhhh, Rey. I'm here. I'm with you."

Rey curled into him. Every vein on her body bulged, scorched by her terror. "You… here."

"It's not real. Come on, we can do this. It's not real." He pulled her into his lap, clutching her for dear life. He pressed her cheek into his face, whispering things, not as if it made it any better.

Kylo had felt her pain in the Force the second it overcame her. "Droid, please, take him." He handed Benny carefully to Eli, supporting his little head. "Stay put here. I'll be back."

"Certainly, Master Ren."

He ran through the rain, through the undercurrents of mud that were washing over the reef, the grass and the soil. He dashed across the fields, not once thinking that Skywalker might kill him on sight; that he might get lost or trip and break his foot.

None of that even mattered when it came to her. Kylo felt her pain, but a weak, diluted imprint of it through their bond, and he sensed that gray strand getting grayer. What terrible agony must it have been for her; the one he loved the most?

He barged in that hut, drenched, angry, bloody murder screaming on his face; but he didn't care. The second he saw her on that floor, writhing in misery, he was down there, with her. He clutched her tight now. She held him through so many of his lows, that he would never be able to repay her. All he could do was feel it with her, be there when her senses left her and her body betrayed her mind.

"No, no," she whimpered like a little girl from her fitful unconsciousness."Come back, come back."

"I'm here, I'm here, my girl." Kylo's heart constricted. He didn't give a fuck that his uncle was there, sitting gobsmacked in the farthest corner of the chalet, in utter awe of this entire scene.

"I'm here. It's not real. Harness the Force." Kylo whispered to her fevered ear."You can do it. You survived far worse. You gave birth to our son. Uff," Kylo smiled sadly. "That must have not been fun at all. But you did it, Rey." He kissed her temple, his strong arms clutching her on his chest. "You did it alone, all alone while I was away. Now I'm here. I'm with you. We can do this, too. It's not real, babe."

Rey's head bobbed down under his neck. She sensed very little of the outside world, but something nice, wet was cooling her. Kylo's hair was dripping wet, and he was damn grateful for it. It masked tears, one or two that fought their way out of his eyes.

She fell out of consciousness. "Thank the fucking stars," Kylo finally relaxed his strained bicep. He was shivering, dressed only in black cotton T shirt and pants. He ran as he were, the minute he sensed her woe.

Skywalker came to his field of vision, for the first time in two hours this painful display went on. He threw a log on fire. _Typical_ , Kylo thought. Fucker saw it all, he felt it, and he chose to watch from the shadows instead of helping her. Nothing had changed here, nothing at all. Skywalkers… fuck them all. Fuck them and let them just leave this fucking island.

"You regret coming here, then?" Luke sat behind the table. He intertwined his fingers together, as if he was about to pray.

Kylo hated being on the floor, with Rey. He would tower over his uncle; look tall and intimidating, not like an ant Skywalker could stomp on. If it wasn't for Rey, he wouldn't have done it. She was the only one for whom he put his pride aside.

"I don't care." He said. "I did it for them, my family. I don't need you." He lied, kissing Rey's temple to remind himself to stay calm.

"Put her over there, on the bed."

"Don't tell me what to do." Kylo barked.

He kept going like that for ten more minutes, but he felt cold chill running up his spine, and Rey might also be more comfortable on a nice bed, rather than coiled in his embrace. _Fuck, damn it, shit._ Kylo chanted inwardly. If he took his uncle's offer now, he'd look weak and childish.

 _'_ _But you really look weak and childish, pouting like that, you oaf.'_ He practically heard Rey's voice chastising him. _'Put me on the bed or I'll smack you.'_

Kylo gulped and shifted her in his arms. He knelt first, balancing her weight and then, took her as a bride to bed. He gently lowered her down, getting her out of that soaked, heavy cloak. Luke watched the entire scene with bathed breath. He had never seen Ben Solo act like this, ever.

He treated her like the gentlest being in the creation, a doll to be cherished. She wasn't even conscious to see it. He straightened her chemise, and untied those three buns, so she wouldn't have sore head in the morning. He fussed over his wife in silence. He spread her hair on the pillow, and made sure she was covered up to her chin.

"You have any other blankets?" Kylo barked all the same.

"Don't you think three is enough?" Luke asked, bemused.

"I say when it's enough, not you. She's my wife, not yours."

A vivid image of stomping six years old boy Ben Solo came to Luke's mind. "All right. I didn't mean to be rude. They're over there, in that big treasure chest in the corner. You know which one, don't you? You've been there before." Luke said casually, throwing Kylo's petty theft in his face.

"Old wanker," Kylo muttered as he drew another blanked from the chest. "Big Jedi Master." He absorbed Rey's ways of muttering and cursing under his breath. Gods knew he heard himself being addressed like that from her mouth many times before. Deservedly so, might he add – but still. Skywalker was a wanker, and Kylo though nothing else of him, as he tucked Rey in a nice, warm cocoon of blankets.

He stalled on purpose, trying to prolong the inevitable. Kylo sat on that bench, furthest from Skywalker. _Now what?_

"You might want to change. You're wet. You'll get the sea chills, it's not uncommon here." Luke said.

"Change into what?" Kylo crossed his arms. He sulked like little Benny when he wouldn't wear that lopsided onesie Kylo had tried to fit him in.

"Maybe this?" Luke handed him a set of his robes.

"Forget it. I'm not wearing one of yours holier than thou hand me downs." _Shit,_ he really did talk like Rey. Year and a half spent in her company did that to the big, bad Sith Lord.

 _Holier? Hand me downs?_ His cheeks caught aflame. The more Kylo didn't want to embarrass himself in front of the old wanker, the stupider he sounded. He twiddled with his wet shirt, twisting the hem and trickling water down Luke's floor. Every drop felt so damn good. _Let it rot here._

"Suit yourself. Sea chill it is, then." Luke crossed his arms as well. "Don't complain when you're sneezing and coughing all over your baby. They're prone to getting it. The Force knows I remember you getting sick in academy, twice a month."

Well, shit.

This had brought the tension to the new level. It skyrocketed. It flew right out of the window and belly jumped into the ocean. Kylo would have jumped into that ocean and swam out of Ahch-To, if it were possible. He would even greet the fish in the process. Where were Rey's niceness and diplomacy and smile, when he needed her? Two sullen men, both stubborn as bulls were trying to outstare each other in one small hut, on a godforsaken island.

Sight to behold, indeed.

Two most powerful Force users in the galaxy bickered like an old family. But perhaps that made Luke's heart ache, when he took in his nephew's state, because they were a family. Ben was wrecked. He looked beaten, tired, dark crescents blazed under his eyes. That gray strand didn't escape Luke. The energy his nephew spent on soothing Rey through the Force didn't escape Luke. He had spent himself again, his leaden eyelids falling and opening.

"Go," Luke nodded towards the bed. "Go lie down. You're tired. I'll be up. If you want, I'll go fetch the baby."

Kylo's senses sharpened immediately. He raked his hair. "Never. You're not touching my son. Don't even think about it. And I'm not tired." He repressed a yawn.

"You're still fighting me? Nothing's changed, you need my help and I'm willing to give it. But you're still fighting me, just for the sake of proving how much you hate our family."

Luke's words struck a chord.

"I can't say I blame you. We have failed you, Ben, me and others. I should have known… I should have fought for you harder."

Kylo felt blood swishing in his ears. "Well, you didn't. No point in bringing it up now. What's done is done."

Luke palmed dry wood of the table. "We loved you, all of us. Your mother, Han…"

"Interesting." Kylo stood up. Now, he could tower. Now that he was about to cry, he needed his strength. "I love my son. I would have fought for him, more so than what you did on Tatooine. Remember, uncle?" Kylo goaded. "Remember when the _Falcon_ came that one day? Remember what happened? What you let happen to me?"

Luke rose. "Remember the Starkiller? Do you remember the father you murdered?"

The air crackled with charged electricity. They were both heaving, staring at each other, curbing the Force which threatened to consume them. Kylo loomed over his small, old uncle like a com tower. He really was a titan, Han's son, tall and dashing. Luke's anger ebbed in an instant. He saw the anger, he felt the pain of his nephew, the son he never had; the one who felt like that, not one smidgen less his than Leia's.

He remembered the moment he had held him in his arms for the first time. Ben's miniature hand clutched his robotic arm, and Luke felt it. He actually felt that baby's touch and since then, he loved his nephew through star systems and his training, through pain and all the bad that had befallen him.

"Kylo," Luke spoke that abominable name he detested. "I want to help you. I want to help your family, there is still hope. I can see you've changed, that she changed you."

"I didn't change." Kylo slumped back on the bench.

"Oh, believe me – you did. You would have trashed this entire place not so long ago. Now, you have responsibility. You put her well being before your own. You're here, you've come to me and I know it's killing you, to swallow your pride like that."

Kylo squirmed uncomfortably on the spot. He hated being read like an activated holocron.

"I'll have to speak to her, first." Luke said. "My sister."

Kylo snorted. "No mercy for me, then. And I don't want it. I don't need it." He spat. "You know what I've come for here."

Luke nodded.

"So? Will you help me?" Kylo asked.

"It's not a good idea. She needs you like one needs air. I felt it. You're bonded in the Force, am I right?"

Kylo nodded. "I can't drag her with me, unless I know they're all dealt with. She got that wound from a Tython vibroblade. She got injured because they hunted me. Instead, they got her."

Luke let out a deep sigh. These dark rituals - he had no idea Kylo had gone that far. "You stay here with her, and bring your son, for heaven's sake. I'll travel to Coruscant first thing at dawn. I have to set things in motion. I won't betray you're here, yet. I'll say you spoke to me in the Force. Depending on Leia's stance, we'll act."

Kylo felt a pang of something…deep in his chest. Here he was, disgraced and fallen, and his uncle actually did care. He wanted to help him, from the bottom of his heart. Kylo wiped his weary eyes with the back of his palms. "The Order isn't done, yet. You should know that. Nobody won this fucking war. Don't let Leia rejoice in vain, as I know she does. Pompous, arrogant woman, I know her. Don't let her bear any illusions. The First Order is dormant, but it will be back, with a vengeance on you, and your precious republic." His eyes glinted. Hard to shake one's beliefs, so deeply ingrained in one's core. He would have betrayed them all, still, if it came to power. Or so he'd like to tell himself, to feel more a beast in control, less weak of a human.

"Rest, then. I'll go and get ready. May the For-"

"Don't." Kylo drew himself up. He leaned over the table, resting his torso on his palms. "Don't say that useless, fucking old saying. The Force hasn't been with me. The Force is killing my wife because she can't fight it. The Force is what's made me into this. The Force you didn't know how to teach me to control. So," Kylo's voice cracked. "I don't want your fucking Force to be with me. I want my family to be with me, safe and preferably far from both of you, the wonder twins."

Luke gave one last glance to his nephew, not sad, not angry. He looked determined, focused on a task at hand. "Keep this." He unbuckled his lightsaber, the one Rey brought him back. "It's hers now. You'll need it." He left the chalet and Kylo finally cracked in full. He hurried to Rey, and spooned beside her. "You heard?"

"Yes," she hugged him, kissing his hair. Kylo slouched into her embrace like a boy. He knew she wasn't asleep, that their bickering woke her, but he didn't betray her to Luke.

"I'm sorry, sweetie." She whispered , comforting him - she, who had been dying of pain hours ago. This was them, Rey and Kylo, this was their love. No matter how low one sank, how much pain they felt, when it came to the other, she woke up from death and him from the darkness under Snoke, just to be together.

Kylo closed her in his embrace. "I called the droid. She'll bring the baby here in a bit."

"Don't change the subject, Kylo. I said I'm sorry and I mean it. If you want to talk about it…"

He pressed his lips on her forehead. She still felt warm, but less than before. "Don't be sorry. How are you feeling?"

"Better. I'm all right when you're here."

He fished her petite hands from under the blankets, and winced at the sight of her torn nails. He kissed them, one by one, staining his own lips. "I'll heal you, tomorrow, when I have more strength."

Rey buried her head in the crook of his neck."Don't. I don't want you to drain yourself like that every time I have a bruise. It's all right, it'll heal."

"A bruise?" Kylo heaved a sigh. "It's not a bruise, Rey. It looks fucking awful and I know it hurts you. Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying. It's nothing. Thanks for the hair." She chuckled into his lips. They both needed to be close, to feel each other's skin, heartbeat, the Force as one; never apart, always together.

"My pleasure. I know it stings when you sleep in it."

Rey's heart could burst through her chest. Kylo was her everything. He loved her more than parents she never had. He took care of her, he cherished her. He made love to her in the most wondrous of ways; he protected their son, and he fucking remembered to untie her buns, because she had mentioned once, months ago how her scalp stung if she slept in it.

She kissed him, breathing in his essence, that scent associated with being home, being loved. "I'm gonna say it." She sobbed, overwhelmed by this entire day from hell.

"You said it here, for the first time, remember?" Kylo kissed the corner of her mouth, her jaw, her cheek.

"Yes, I remember. I love you. I love you more than anything, Kylo. I don't know what I'd do without you. I lov-"

He kissed away her tremor, her tears. He kissed her, and in that, he confessed how much he loved her, too.


	31. Chapter 31

**Sous le soleil**

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 **A/N Enjoy this chapter, domestic bliss my friends :)) Also, I appreciate and see all the reviews, they make me feel happy and think nice thoughts xD I apologize that I have less time to reply, so don't think I don't see your nice words, but at least the update is here, so dig in :)**

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Kylo wasn't sure if he woke up, or never went to sleep. He rolled in bed, too small for him. His legs dangled from the edge, his hair was all tousled and he immediately alerted his senses. Except for his impossibly tall body, the bed was empty. He grabbed his belt and fastened it as quietly as he could. "Huh," Kylo wrinkled his forehead. The tracker… it transmitted. One look at the frequency code and a sneer touched the corner of his lips. "I'll be damned. You survived."

"Ga, goo," his head snapped at the sounds of Ben's cheerful cooing.

Rey was sitting on a chair by the window. She had Benny latched on and he drank contentedly; letting out smacking noises here and there. Kylo didn't move; he just stared at Rey, looking out of the window. She had her arm propped on windowsill, biting her thumb. Kylo plodded out of bed, dressed only in his pants. Goosebumps arose on his bare chest."Fucking draft," he stood behind Rey.

"Morning," he kissed the top of her head, "and to you, buddy." He stroked the littlest feet in the galaxy and Benny kicked in the air. As he did that, he slipped from Rey's breast and that put her out of the reverie.

"Ugh, Kylo, don't do that. It took me twenty minutes just to get him drink." Rey slapped his hand away. "Great. Now, he's not gonna be full and he'll cry in the afternoon, just great."

Kylo furrowed his brows, taken aback. "What is your problem? I'm so-" no, he wasn't sorry for touching the feet of his son. "So he cries, big deal." He walked to the sink and started running the water. Pipes in the wall rumbled and the entire hut echoed with these underbelly noises. "You feed him again and I'll stay up. You can rest."

He began splashing cold water on his face, torso and some of it got into his hair. He scooped a handful and slicked them back, trying to retain at least the semblance of his normal appearance. Fuck, he was thirty and he felt ancient, more so than the old wanker Skywalker.

"That's not the point." Rey fastened her shoulder strap. "It's like you're not being considerate at all. I was feeding him and you just walked in like that." She snapped her fingers."Do you know how hard it is to get him used to some proper schedule?" She put Benny on the bed, adjusting his onesie and then, proceeded to fill the kettle.

"What?" Kylo dried his face with a towel. "Are you listening to yourself? I'm being considerate. I knew you were up but I waited till I saw he'd had enough. Besides, he's not just your son, Rey." He said quietly. "You don't have a claim on when I can or can't touch him."

Rey slammed the kettle on the stove. "That's rich. We're dragging him through seven star systems, through all that dirt and pollution and time zones, and I finally get him used to one feeding regime and you just don't think about that at all." Her eyes started to sting. She knew the flood was coming.

"All you think about is just… just yourself." She started looking for spatula to fix them some breakfast, opening and closing each drawer so the entire hut rattled, once again.

Kylo chewed the inside of his cheek. There had to be something more behind this outburst, he knew that much. He weighed every word, as he leaned his back against the sink, dangerously close to where she was currently trashing Skywalker's kitchenette.

"Yeah, I'm the bastard. I'm the asshole here, nothing new, right? So take it out on me, if you must, but have the courtesy to at least tell me what started this shitstorm. I'm not in the mood to guess what offended her majesty today, Rey."

He walked back to bed and took Ben in his arms. "Won't tell me when I can or can't touch you," he muttered like an old droid. He started looking for one of those tiny, woolen caps. The draft was palpable for the grownups, so the baby must have felt it, too.

Rey found some eggs and began cracking them on the rim of a smelted pan. "What started what? You mean my legitimate concern about feeding our son? It's not that simple. You're always making everything so simple, but it's not. You don't care. You don't know, he needs regime and routine and normal place to grow up, not this toiling through the galaxy. But-" She spun and waved the spatula at him, just as he was about to jab back.

"But, I know that's what I agreed to, so I'm not blaming anybody here. I'm just asking, Kylo, just asking to consider that. So learn these things now, because it's not gonna get any easier. Take some responsibility, please." She wiped her forehead and tore chunks of dried herbs, tossing them into the pan.

Kylo's jaw began twitching. He was this close to just yelling at her, giving her all she deserved, because frankly – she was wrong.

"Let it be," He put a T shirt on and marched to the stove. "Go lie down, Rey. You're obviously tired and cranky and I imagine you must be in pain from last night. So, go to sleep and I'll finish this. I know you've bottled the milk earlier, I know you always do that, so I'll feed him later. We'll be quiet, we won't dist-"

She was heaving. Her face didn't tint red, but straight our purple."I can take care of my son!" she screamed so unexpectedly, he lurched back. "I don't need your advice or patronizing! I did it for months while you were away, and I can do it again."

Before Kylo registered, she leapt to the bed and took Ben in her arms, leaning his head on her shoulder, supporting his head.

"I'm not tired! I don't need sleep I need your respect, I need you to see how hard it is to get him to latch on, more and more we're travelling because he's all confused and lagged. I need you to admit when you're wrong, and 'I'm an asshole' does not cover it, Kylo. You send me to bed once more, and you can pack and get out."

She was shaking.

Benny looked curiously at his mommy, then daddy. He pressed his lips together, let out two long sobs, and started crying.

Kylo's features hardened.

His dark eyes travelled from her trembling hand, the one cupping Ben's head, then landed on her bare feet, her disheveled hair and tears trailing down her eyes. He knew those – they were bitter tears, angry tears. And then…it happened. He suddenly saw, when her blouse slid and revealed that angry, red scar. It all became clear.

Kylo slouched a bit, walking slowly to her. "Rey – calm down. Just, calm down and hand me the baby."

She stepped back, screwing her face. "Don't tell me to calm down! Don't you fucking tell me to give you my son. Stay back," she angled the child, so her back faced him.

"Rey," his tone got deeper, warning. "This isn't you. I'm willing to forget this, we can do this together. " He opened his empty arms to her, wiggling his fingers. "Come on, just hand me Benny and we'll talk."

His nostrils flared. _Fuck_. The door was behind her, and she could easily just run away and… he blinked. No, he couldn't think about what she might do with the baby.

The air filled with smell of burning eggs. The pan was simmering, and Rey's and Ben's sobs meshed together. Kylo took another tentative step forward. It was killing him, seeing her like that, huddled, angry… and it was him, who had caused it. That fucking blade, that pain and the darkness seeping through her, that was on him.

"Leave me be." She sobbed into her baby's equally pained face. "Just…go away. You hate me, you think I'm stupid. You did this, it's your fault." She sagged on the floor. In that second, Kylo jumped and pried the baby out of her hands.

"No!" She let out a feral scream. "Give him back! You," she started pounding on his back, her short stature reaching just about his ribs. He barely felt anything, but he feared for the baby. "Give him back!"

"Fuck, stop it, Rey!" He grabbed her arm with his free hand, the one not balancing a four months old, currently red from the fit of wailing. "Shut the fuck up and don't you dare raise your hand on me while I'm holding him. Is that clear? Do you understand?" His eyes glinted and he yanked her hand again.

She winced in pain, trying weasel out of his clutch.

"Say it – say you understand." Kylo eased his grip, but didn't let go.

Rey nodded. She shuffled to bed, sat down and began crying into her palms. Kylo blinked away his own tears. "Shh, hey buddy, it's all right. Hey," he was rocking Ben, feeling his tiny body shaking against his chest.

It took just a few minutes to calm him. Apparently, babies were far more resilient than obtuse adults. Not ten minutes later, Ben was chewing on his suck thing, working his bare gums and giggling occasionally.

It was Rey who was breaking Kylo's heart. She had been scraping burnt eggs in the sink in silence. Her face gleamed red, streaked with tears. Kylo stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her body, sweeping her hair aside. It hung way past her shoulder blades, having grown so long over a year. The sun cast rich, tangerine glow into the room and colored them auburn, not their usual brown.

"Leave that be, Rey. It's all right. I'm sorry I grabbed you." He kissed her neck.

She spun and immediately buried her face in his chest. "I'm sorry I'm a shitty mother."

"You're… you're not." He whispered. "It's not your fault, it's the wound. It's affecting you."

"It's not it, Kylo. I didn't feel any magic anger in me, I just got mad because you wouldn't agree with me. I'm so sorry." She shook on his chest, just as Benny had, minutes ago. "I could have dropped him, I c-could have hurt him. I'm s-sorry I h-hit you."

Kylo wound his arms around her tighter. "I wouldn't worry about that, if I were you."He softly kissed the top of her head. "You couldn't hurt me if you tried."

"I t-totally could." She all but stomped.

He chuckled. _Thank the fucking stars._ Stubborn Rey was happy Rey. "Really?"

"Huhm."

Kylo pulled her away and cupped her cheeks in his palms. Her eyes looked so deep, so beautiful when glistened with tears. She wore her sorrow right in the almond corner of those magnificent, doe like eyes. She felt sorry, and Kylo didn't need the Force to guess that either. He felt guilt, hard, oppressive guilt and sorrow flowing through her.

"It's not your fault." He brushed his thumbs under her eyes, where the tears flew hard." You may not have felt it, but I know the dark side. It's not on you. We'll control it. I'll start training you again and we'll get through this, okay?"

"Okay." She nodded, holding onto him for dear life.

Three days passed since Skywalker left them.

The atmosphere eased considerably once the baby slept through the night, because they finally crashed in one normal place for more than a few hours. Rey even conceded to let Eli stay on the ship, recalibrating her circuits and charging, keeping the spacecraft on standby.

"Everyone deserves a break, why not? You go Eli, Benny's sleeping much better. I don't need your help."

"Very well, Missis."

"It's Rey, Eli. You can call me that."

"Oh, Maker, can you hear this?" Eli slowly strutted away, still disapproving of crossing those stubborn boundaries.

Ahch-To was a paradise compared to other places they had been to. Little Ren family was living the dream, all things considered.

Sun was shining one day, more than all the days of her last stay there combined. They took Benny to that lagoon, bathing together with him. He never saw water before, not in this translucent, pure form, just swirling on warm, white rocks. The sun heated the earth as well as water. Rey laughed as Kylo laid Benny's belly on his arm, and flew him in the air like a smallest human ship.

They had to interrupt this joyful bath only when his diaper soaked and he became heavy and grouchy because he was wet. Rey changed him on the blanket they had brought, and while she nursed him, she watched Kylo in the water.

"I'm gonna take a dip, is that fine?" He kissed her back.

"Sure, I don't need you for this." Rey smirked, as he forgot not to stare at her full breasts which were nursing the baby.

"Right, right." He rushed to cool into that lagoon for more reasons than just sport.

She was watching him, and this time, she forgot not to stare. He swam a few lengths fast, then, he just lounged in the water. When he rose, the water cascaded down his broad deltoids. Sun beams colored his pale skin more beige, not straight pink as Rey would have thought. Some moles covering his arms and torso darkened.

His biceps bulged, now more so when she saw his arms bare, without robes, or those tight shirts. His thighs… she bit her lip, adjusting Benny. They were thick but lean, plodding through water. He disappeared under it, then arose, scooping a handful and pouring it onto his hair. He sported that hard stare, determined and sensual at the same time, the one where he forgot his milieu and just was, for a few moments, where he didn't worry or fret over the Order, his family, or Skywalker.

Hot damn.

Rey's hard nipples became more sensitive when she feasted her eyes on his sculpted body. "Ouch," Ben bit her and she shook her head. "Mustn't stare, mustn't stare. Thanks for reminding your mommy where here priorities should lie, munchkin."

Benny cooed mischievously. What if he knew her nasty thoughts? The Force, the Force… she _did not_ need him see what his mommy would do to his daddy in her mind. "You wouldn't take that suck thing in your mouth again, Benny." She blushed. Rey quickly fixed him into his mini pants and shirt and raised her blouse up.

Kylo splashed all around as he lay on the blanket next to Rey. He threw one arm across her stomach and turned on the side. "This is fucking bliss."

She laughed. "It is. That's why it won't last."

"Hmm." He closed his eyes. "I know."

"Any news of him yet? Have you felt him in the Force?"

"No. You?"

Rey smoothed his wet strands. "Me? Why me? He's your uncle, not mine."

Kylo huffed. "Please. He's all in love with you, more than he ever was with me. Everyone is."He didn't say it bitterly. He just admitted the effect her sweet nature had on people.

Rey kept brushing his hair lovingly. "You need a haircut. They've grown so long. You could tie them into a ponytail if you wanted."

"Wouldn't you like that, misses Solo. "He grinned and opened his eyes at last.

Rey's breath hitched. "You have such beautiful eyes." Her index finger trailed the length of his nose. "They're yellow, sometimes."

"When are they yellow?"

"When you're happy or excited. And then," He pulled her closer on his damp body. "When you're angry, they're dark brown, darker than mine. When you're sad or thinking hard, they're hazel."

Kylo was caressing her inner thigh with his palm. "You see it all, don't you. My mother never told me my eyes change colors. I asked her once as a kid, when she took me to the Senate. She said they were brown. I remember, because she had the same color, and I wanted mine to be silver, like Lu-… like old wanker's." he almost slipped and humanized the grand Jedi.

Nope.

Not gonna happen.

Rey fought not to moan as his hand circled closer to her pubic bone.

"So, I tried to change the color through the Force. I mean," he chuckled mirthlessly. "I didn't know it was the Force, but I knew I had something impure in me, that I was different."

"It's not impure, daddy. Your son has it too. I have it. The Force… is strong in our family. It's not impure." Rey sat up and nestled napping Benny between them. "Look," she whispered. "Isn't this the purest thing ever?"

They lounged there till the sunset, just enjoying the breeze, the butterflies which Benny wanted to catch, and the dandelions Rey picked up. She weaved a crown around his head.

"You look so beautiful, my sweet." Rey gushed, twirling around in the grass, holding him.

"Take that off," Kylo looked left and right suspiciously, as if when a butterfly saw his son wearing flower crown, mayhem would ensue.

Rey laughed. "Why? He's looks so cute, like a doll."

"Ugh. He's a boy."

"Heavens, Kylo. You're a boy, don't tell me you've never done girl things, or played with dolls instead of ships."

"Never." He sulked, but in secret, he pictured his little tea set and pretend tea parties Chewie always attended in the _Falcon_. "You want a doll?" he smirked, enclosing his arms around them. "We can make a doll, later if you want."

Rey's lips parted. "What?"

"A baby girl. I'd like that, some time in the future." He had that dreamy expression, kind of like after every time they fucked.

"Very distant future," Rey kissed Ben's cheek, adjusting the flowers. "One traumatic childbirth was enough for me, thanks."

Kylo felt the tracker buzz in his pocket again, but he didn't let anything be known to Rey. They came back to the hut and Rey cooked dinner, while Kylo chopped a new batch of wood. That fucking night draft… he burnt almost all of Skywalker's stash, and he'd gladly let the old geezer freeze, but he was a man. Men didn't burn other man's wood and let his shed empty.

"Yeah," he huffed as the axe swung high. "That's what you'd like wouldn't you; to blame another thing on me."

Crack.

Splinters flew in all directions as he cut through those logs like a knife through butter. "I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna stack that fucking shed so full, you can smoke the entire island."

Naturally, he rendered himself useless for half the night afterwards, spending his energy on pointless wood chopping.

"Kylo," Rey moaned, as Benny whimpered. "Go to him. I'm so tired."

"Mhhhhm." He rolled on his other side and began snoring.

Tic seized Rey's left eye. That's right, she got a bloody tic in her eye because of her lazy ass husband and cranky son. So, she got up, like a zombie, dragging behind the covers, just to wake him up. "Get the chills, you stupid oaf."

He apologized in the morning, when a suspiciously loud thud of a pan woke him. "So, we're square, right? I mean, you woke me now, with that intentional clinking, so."

"I woke you after thirteen hours of sleep, Kylo." She waved the pan in the air "Do you know the last time I got thirteen hours of sleep?"

Oh, boy.

He scratched the nape of his neck. Damn that long hair.

"Do you, Kylo?" She glared.

Oh, so this was a question and she wanted answer. "Hmm, like a year ago?" He quipped.

"No. Never, that's when. I never had more than five, six hours on Jakku because I couldn't sleep the day away, when the best bits got salvaged. So," she stuck her chin in the air. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't let my nipples bleed next time at night, when I have a headache and my shoulder hurts and I have to feed Benny on top of it."

"Your shoulder hurts?" He touched it.

She winced. "Yes. It began last night, it's probably nothing."

 _Fuck_. He looked at it closer. He couldn't tell the dark side from PMS-ing, and that was on him. The fun ended, when a thin, purple line spread like a cobweb in one place.

"Rey, come here." He led her to the bench. "Sit." Kylo started examining it carefully. "This isn't good."

"What is it?"

"I… "He squatted next to her, gently pressing and poking the scar. "I'm not sure. We haven't had another episode in three days, but this purple patch is new."

He said _we_ , not _you_ , and Rey suddenly stopped feeling angry for the last night. "Kylo," she raised his chin. He looked at her from that crouch, and she enjoyed being taller than him, for a change. "If I die-"

"You won't die."

"If I do, you can't blame yourself. I know you're doing it all the time." She tapped his temple. "The Force bond, remember? I can feel how mad you are at yourself for that attack. Don't be. It's not on you. I felt like that after thing with Benny, and you said it…you told me, it wasn't my fault."

"It wasn't, but did you believe me?" He caressed her thighs from where he crouched.

"Of course I believed you. I trust you with my all, with my life, my heart. So please, believe me, now."

"That's apples and oranges, Rey." His knees popped when he got up. "That's not the same. You didn't harm anyone. I let them harm you, and look what happened. We're still getting through it."

He watched her later, as they ate dinner. She nibbled with food, barely having eaten any. He hated it – Rey being so all over the place, having hundred small things on her mind, things he'd never even consider. She ate very little since the attack, and that infuriated him more than worried. He just didn't want her to get weak, not if one good grub was all it took to make her stronger.

"Are you gonna have some?" Kylo lifted the ladle from the stew.

"Hmm, after I finish this." Rey was cutting boiled carrot into miniature pieces. She'd squish it with an apple and get the baby try solids. Her tongue was stuck out, and she was focusing on every symmetrical chop.

Her plate remained untouched, even after Benny ate all the squash, and she celebrated it properly, with loud smiles and nice noises that meant nothing, but Benny felt somehow proud when his mommy fooled around like that.

Kylo watched them, even prouder that his skillful wife made due in a shitty hut, taking care of the most treasured baby in the galaxy.

But…

"So, now you can eat," he waggled his brow.

"I can't, stop bugging me. The water is heating; I have to give him a bath." She pirouetted around him, carrying smaller of two pots into the makeshift tub, a plugged sink, really.

Kylo didn't tell her he'd have to leave soon. His hesitation stemmed from her injury. Also, now that he saw how much work it took to keep a tiny human alive, he'd feel guilty as hell leaving all that drudgery to her. He had made the kid as well; he should be there to help her equally.

Absent fathers; that was a road to hell – Kylo knew from his own experience. And now, her anger and pain… he wouldn't dare leave Ben with her, on their own. But that tracker – it called to him. One person needed help, one to whom he'd actually give it.

Kylo held Benny's back while Rey gently sponged his hands and torso. She tucked her hair in one big bun, dressed only in a long, white, old shirt, barefoot again. Not only did her legs distract him, but Benny splashed and the shirt got wetter and wetter with each passing minute. He couldn't look away.

"Huh?" Kylo blinked sheepishly. "What'd you say?"

"I said," Rey raised her voice, "that he seems to be less afraid of water after day out. The lagoon did him good."

Finally, after three agonizing hours of "baby this," and "baby that," they put him to sleep. Kylo sagged down on the oak bench.

Rey sat next to him. She rested those long, tanned legs on the table. Kylo took her hand in his. She squeezed it, and both just…were.

"You look fucking amazing, babe, and I'd fuck you. But I can't. I'm dead. I'm tired as a muunyak after day's work on a farm." He sighed.

Corners of her mouth started twitching; she had to control her laughter not to wake the baby. "Gee, thanks, my cavalier husband. You really know how to make me feel special."

He patted her thigh. "You're welcome, my sexy wife. You are, you know, just…"he mockingly pointed at his lap. "He's asleep. I can't wake him up. I'd love to, but I know the minute your shirt goes off, Ben will start crying. It's not worth it."

"Yeah," she sighed."It's not worth the effort." Her hand wandered to his crotch. She smirked and kneaded the mound which tightened and doubled in size.

"Fuck," he gulped, as she stroked him.

"Hmm," Rey moaned sarcastically. "You shouldn't have bathed in that lagoon and make mommy think inappropriate thoughts. This is probably just a coincidence. You got to sleep, Kylo. That bulge, that just happened. I'm sorry to keep you awake and-"

He grabbed her hips, parted her thighs and slid her closer on that bench. His lips skimmed Rey's opened mouth, panting into him.

"You're such a nasty, evil woman."

"And you've been a bad, bad padawan." She licked his lips. Their tongues met halfway through, enjoying long, wet kisses, stroking each other till she had to break the kiss to catch a breath.

"You better punish me, Mistress Solo." Kylo swallowed hard.

Rey straddled him, still clothed. She joined her hands around his neck and mewed. "You're not getting a single portion. You're gonna get smacked, and you'll like it." She pressed her lap onto him, hard.

Kylo fumbled with his belt, the tracker be damned. He quickly tossed that shirt over her head, exposing her in all her beauty. Fire was casting her olive skin into bronze, perfectly polished lacquer. Not even that scar meant anything to him. He kissed it, languidly, showing her that he loved it as a part of her. "How I love your new tits, babe," he buried his face in them, because goddamn, that was what he wanted to do.

"Yeah? Are they new?"

"Hmm," He breathed in. "They're bigger, tight and gorgeous as fuck, and I envy the little sucker every second with them." He started kissing them, paying equal attention to both unyielding mounds.

"Kylo, you're…such an oaf sometimes," Rey got back to that belt, still only half way undone. While he lost himself in whatever unhealthy fantasy boys had about nursing breasts, Rey freed his cock from under those pants. She was stroking him and she felt the exact moment his arousal peeked, because his kisses got sloppier, and he forgot her breasts altogether.

"Hmm, yeah, wake him up," he stared into her eyes, as she pulled his foreskin back, exposing the head. She bowed down and kissed it.

Kylo drew a long suck of air in, tangling his hand in her hair.

"Is this gonna wake him?" Rey's hot breath titillated his tip. She smeared a bit of saliva on it, and took him into his mouth. Kylo saw stars. Scratch that, he saw nothing, but heard her smacking, wet licks, the crackling of wood which he had chopped, smelled her skin which mingled with nice baby oils and herbs.

All of his senses got attacked at once.

"Shit, yeah, suck him, babe, just like that." He kept bobbing her head up and down. His cock got engulfed in wet heat.

Rey whimpered and moaned into every lick, driving him even more insane. "Bad, bad, padawan. No," she drew herself up, leaving his cock angry red. His tip widened and pre-cum glistened all around. "I think we're done for the night, daddy. Mommy is tired, she needs sleep."

To say Kylo looked shocked would be an understatement. "Really?" His Adam's apple jumped. "We're done? Now? I mean…"

Rey chuckled. "If you only saw yourself, Kylo. You look as if someone stole your lightsaber."

He palmed her naked stomach gently. She writhed into his touch. "Someone did ignite it, but they're not gonna finish it, are they?" He pouted.

Rey adapted his trademark smirk, that vicious quirk of his lips. "If you ask nicely, I think I can do something about it, padawan." She said, and her small palm was back on him, stroking.

"What is thy bidding, my Mistress?" His breaths quickened. "I've been a bad apprentice, and now, I need you to- Ugh," he huffed through his parted mouth. "I'm close."

Rey pressed her palms against his chest and mercilessly shoved him down. "This is my bidding, naughty apprentice." She grabbed him and in a single, slick movement, took his erection in. She sat down on him, and Kylo watched his cock disappear inside her. He never felt hornier in his life. The more of him she took inside, more her abdomen rippled. She shuffled back and forth a few times.

"Hmm," Rey grinded her hips and enclosed him to the hilt. She arched her back, threw her arms back and clutched the bench. Her warmth ignited him fully. Juicy flesh of her pussy made his abdominals constrict and his balls beg for release.

She lifted her pelvis a bit, and then, sank down again, working her thigh muscles.

Kylo watched her pink slit open and close with every movement of his cock. "You're amazing, you're so beautiful, you're mine." He gripped her sides and helped her slide up and down. She got on it, quickening the tempo, licking her lips.

Kylo sat up.

He sucked her bottom lip into his mouth, letting her ride him. Rey flicked her tongue around his with every bounce of her lap. They didn't separate until Kylo squirmed nervously."Get off, I'm coming." He dug his nails into her hips.

"Don't… have…to," Rey husked, her breasts bouncing to the rhythm she had set. "Eli got me a thing on Eriadu. We're…good."

Heavens parted and Kylo saw light; only the choir was missing. "Really? Oh fuck, oh shit." His lap started meeting her thrusts frantically and in a few, he thrust it up, hitting her cervix. "Oh, Rey, Rey, oh shit." He jerked off inside her, massaging her stomach. "How I've missed this."

Rey brought them down on the bench, prostrating on his chest, still grinding for her own release. "Good, I planned it like that, so you'd be surprised." She kissed him. Kylo enshrouded her in his embrace, trailing circles on her back. She lay on him, wiggling her hips, and he pressed her down, keeping up with her thrusts. "Does it hurt? You can pull out," Rey kept sliding on his cock which was becoming softer.

"No, it's just sensitive." He felt her freeze mid movement. She let out a string of quick, sharp pants and went limp. He held her like that, till his cock slid out and they cuddled on that blessed oak bench that started it all. He felt twice a man – he chopped Skywalker's wood, he fucked his wife in his hut, _twice_ … life could be good.

"Kylo?" Rey called his name later, in bed.

"Yeah?"

"What's with the tracker?"

"What?"

"I'm not stupid. I've seen you fiddle with it when you think I'm not looking. Is everything all right? Is it him, Skywalker?"

Kylo didn't want to spoil such a perfect day. But he didn't want to lie either. They had learnt the hard way the value of truth, if nothing else, at least between them two, no matter how dark or ugly it was.

"I'll tell you in the morning, baby."He tugged her closer.

"You promise?"

"I promise." He said, and this time, he really meant it.


	32. Chapter 32

I apologize for the lack of updates recently, and this author's note is long overdue, so instead of wondering, here goes. I'm having some difficulties in real life as of now, and that makes it impossible for me to write. I wouldn't produce a subpar stuff for you guys, so I'll just have to wither the storm and come back to writing when I can.

I apologize for this, alas, life is life. Now, **Carnal Alchemy** will by no means stay unfinished, nor am I planning to abandon it with some lame ass epilogue. I'll be back in full swing, hopefully in a couple of weeks, maybe longer, and the fic will go on as normally planned. I can only hope you'll still be interested in reading it.

Thank you for your patience and understanding my sweet reylo fam.


	33. Chapter 33

**Terminus**

* * *

Rey felt the pads of Kylo's fingers on her skin. He nimbly traced the curvature of her spine, made a small circle where her three freckles were, and travelled back up. He paid extra attention to the shoulder scar. It still looked raw and ribbed, but the more she hated it, the more determined Kylo was to make her feel it was nothing. Because fuck, it _was_ nothing, to him – she was perfect. He'd rather have her scarred than scared, because scars meant she had fought. _They_ had fought and they made it out alive, and that was nothing to hide or feel ashamed of.

He'd tell her that every time he caught her pinching it or staring at it in disdain.

Rey purred into her pillow, relishing in the pleasant feeling. His skin felt cooling against hers, forever heated, just like Jakku sand dunes which used to cradle her to sleep.

Despite the bulk of his body, he never felt hot. Rey was a stark opposite to him. She felt like earth to his waves. When she was angry, she erupted like a volcano on Mustafar; spewing fire at him, till the ash covered all. But when rage seized Kylo, he kept crashing into her in waves, just like untamable ocean; a mass of water in which she drowned.

Kylo took in one, two, three inches of the skin behind her tailbone and brushed it softly. It felt smooth and delicate, and he tapped at each single freckle. He slid her nightgown up in one fluid motion. Oh yes, Rey definitely felt like drowning then. He dove behind the hem of her panties. The finest hair on her arms rose. And then, his breath died somewhere between his lungs and nostrils.

She opened her eyes, laying on the side, facing him.

Kylo chuckled.

"What?" Rey rasped, trying to inconspicuously spit some of the hair invading her mouth. Ah, the morning romance. She was certain she had a nice, unappealing pillow imprint on her cheek. Her entire right side felt like sandpaper, and she reddened at the dried spit on the pillow.

Kylo shuffled closer, till she glimpsed that yellow circle around his chocolate iris. "Nothing," his voice sounded smooth, as if he were up for some time. "It just takes me off guard, everytime you look at me like that."

Rey snorted – another unladylike gesture that was not making the mood any sultrier. "I literally just opened my sticky, bleary eyes, Kylo. I wasn't 'looking' at anyone, and certainly not in a way that would- Ewww no!" Rey's hand shot to her mouth. She managed to cover it before Kylo assaulted her with a kiss.

"What the fuck?" He grimaced, when instead of her plump lips, he landed on her palm.

"Muhning bth" Rey mumbled into it.

"What?" Kylo smirked. He tried to get her little hand off, but she kept swatting him away. "Rey," Kylo laughed, almost giving up on her. "You wanna play eel in bed? What the…"

Rey dropped the hand, but at the same time, scrambled to the edge of the bed. "Morning breath, ugh." She said, as if it were the most obvious thing under the stars. "I'm not gonna let you kiss me. I need to brush my teeth. So," she was now climbing over snickering Kylo," that means you need the watch the baby."

"Really," Kylo grabbed her ankle, and rolled her back to bed. She landed on him, and Kylo's mischievous hands cupped her bum.

"Noooo," Rey pressed her palms against his naked torso. They were both still sore from the last night, and no less horny than before. His broad, naked chest was just inviting itself to be kissed, but Rey knew they couldn't waste time like that. An eerie memory washed over her. The very first time she touched him on Starkiller passed exactly like this; she was trying to shove him off of her, bleeding, dying.

Her smile faded.

Kylo acted as if he hadn't just caught a glimpse of two bloodied people in the snow in Rey's mind. He did, and he recognized what she was thinking about, but he wouldn't spoil the mood. Instead, he kissed her collarbone, while holding her in his arms. She felt so warm and soft, and he missed her. She even smelled like _Rey_ ; whatever that meant – but it was there. He wouldn't call it a smell of home, because he never had one. No, it was her fragrance mingled with her head of hair currently tossing around in his arms.

She was fighting, all right. He had to flex his bicep to keep her still. Her laughter made her go limp once he traced the length of her clavicle with his tongue.

"What?" He asked innocently. "You didn't say I can't kiss you there. I'm not gonna go near your morning breath, don't worry, scavenger."

Rey mussed his hair, especially that gray strand. "You're impossible, Kylo. Hmm," she let out a moan when he put one hand under her back, and rolled over her. She'd never get tired of feeling his body on hers. He looked at her for a brief moment, before his kisses resumed. She saw her reflection in the darkness of his irises. She saw traces of herself everywhere on his body at once. That gray strand – that was hers. He had gained it when he tried to save her life, and he did. The new scar on his left hip; that was hers, too. One of the Knights had slashed him there, when he defended her in the hangar on Eriadu.

Kylo had already moved from her neck to her chest, planting fevered, wet kisses in the valley of her breasts, but all Rey could do and think of was to hold him. A feeling entered her troubled mind; a restless promise he had forgotten to fulfill.

"Kylo," she slowly patted his back. "That tracker… You promised to tell me."

The second she said the word 'tracker,' his movements stopped. He collapsed on top of her, burying his head in the crook of her neck. "I know. I'm telling. "

"When?" Rey rolled her eyes. She began brushing his hair, just to make him spill.

"Now." Kylo pouted, nestled under her chin.

"You know, you look like Benny before he's supposed to take a bath he doesn't want to." Rey said wistfully, raking her fingers in his mane. "I mean, he's pouting and trying googly eyes at me, and latching on to stay out of water for one more minute."

"Hmmm," Kylo sighed contentedly, as she massaged his scalp. "Does it work?"

"Nope. And I'm sure you realize that when I can resist the cutest baby in the galaxy, I can see right through your bullshit. So," she tugged on his hair a little harder, "spill."

Kylo raised his head with Rey's hand still buried in his hair. Their eyes met. His deep, hooded ones were washing her with emotions; arousal being one of them, judging by his hard dick poking her in the abdomen. He was water again, stealing her breath away. Rey's wide, green pyres were burning with determination. She never felt more ablaze, trying to get something so important out of him.

"Ugh," Kylo hissed as she tugged his hair once more. "You think you're gonna get it out of me like this?" he smirked impishly.

"I can try." Rey husked.

Suddenly, Kylo yanked her own hair, cascading down her back. They both hissed. Somehow, this brazen gesture changed the game into a dangerous one. Kylo encircled his palm around her neck. "Someone has been calling for help. Someone I know and trust, and they need it."

Rey straddled him. She didn't care for being gentle. Her kneecap landed in his groin twice, before she wrestled him into submission. "Are you going to give it? The help?" she smeared her palms on his pectorals.

"I'm considering it." He grabbed her wrists and twisted them. Her skin turned red.

Rey clenched her thighs harder. He must have definitely felt his ribs. "Who is it? Who needs the help of someone who can't help himself? Do they know you're currently huddled in Skywalker's hut, your family at the mercy of the republic?" She cut every word into a little shard on her tongue, prickling Kylo with it. "Better yet, do they know you have a family?" She shrugged. "Since they're asking you to risk your life and all..."

Kylo jerked his hips up, catching her off guard. In a single motion, he swept her from him and Rey landed on her back with a loud yelp. This time, it was Kylo who pinned her wrists up. His bare back rippled and he loomed over her like a panther. Strange, how he managed to look lethal and so elegant at the same time, holding her like that.

"It's Phasma. She made it out of the battle, or so it seems. It's her personal frequency, and she's exercising a safety protocol we've all had ingrained in us since the first training. She's calling me."

Playful atmosphere ebbed instantly. Kylo saw Rey's mouth quiver and eased his grip right away.

"Oh." Was all she said.

She felt irrationally disappointed in this revelation, perhaps because Phasma was a woman, perhaps because Kylo was willing to rush to someone else's aid than her own. She got used to having him to herself, fully. She possessed his heart, his body, his spirit – damn, they shared a son. They shared feelings and emotions; they read each other's thoughts through their Force bond.

Kylo rolled off her completely. He sat on the bed and hunched his knees together, resting his elbows on them. "What? I'm waiting. Tell me what you really think."

Rey drew herself up as well. She couldn't even look at him. Something in her chest squeezed her windpipe. "What do you want to hear? That it's a bad fucking idea to put yourself in danger for someone else? Yeah, it is." She huffed and walked towards the sink, her nightgown flowing behind.

 _Fuck_.

Rey began washing Ben's bottles with a kitchen brush. She felt even shittier to be reacting like this, because Phasma was actually nice to her in the past. Sure, she had given her up to Hux on the _Finalizer_ , but that chapter was long closed. Rey locked it away in a hefty chest labeled "past I'm not touching with a ten foot pole," and she was content for it.

Besides, Phasma had fed her in the torture chamber when Kylo got pissed at her for getting herself caught. She was kind. She brought Eli back to the star destroyer from Coronet. Rey scrunched her face, as her hands submerged in the bubble filled water. She pictured Kylo and Phasma laughing together, both masked and cozy and…

"Damn," Rey dropped one bottle. It clinked in the sink, and Kylo was on his feet in less than three seconds.

He sensed the conflict she was battling within – the will to feel okay with this decision, but at the same time, hating the person in need of his help. "Wait, are you-" he traced the length of her spine with his knuckles. "Are you actually jealous? Of Phasma?" He couldn't suppress amusement in his voice.

"No."

"Really? Because I could swear you-"

"I'm not jealous," she snorted, shoving the brush into the bottle. "Me, jealous? That's preposterous, Kylo; and frankly, there's not much to be jealous of, is it? Not like I'm stupid."

 _Oh, man_. Kylo lived for pissed off Rey. She looked darn cute and her freckles completely disappeared under the red maps spreading on her cheeks.

"What do you mean, princess?" He asked cheekily, watching Rey bend the brush handle in her death grip.

"I mean, she's a woman and you were her superior. I've seen her face, actually. She is very pretty." Rey said in an unusually high voice. "All tall," she spat through gritted teeth, "and blonde. You didn't have to slouch all the time, like with me for example."

Kylo didn't believe his ears. He simply stuck his tongue against the inside of his cheek, listening on and on to Rey's made-up reasoning, albeit devoid of reason.

"Uhm, I don't think I'm slouching that much actu-" He tried to counterpoint. Damn, he tried, but she went on.

"She's a perfect match. Of course my mind went there, Kylo, you see why I thought of that. But it's fine, not like I don't know you, you're like a horny dog most of the time, so who can blame you for not keeping it in your pants before you knew me…I mean it's only…"

All Kylo needed was a bucket of roasted pickleberries and a chair. She was speaking so fast, he didn't register half of her cute accusations. _Horny dog? Keep it in your pants?_ Wait, was this about his dick, or…

He felt a weird pang of pride that she was so jealous of a woman he had never seen unmasked, let alone touched in a way Rey was currently graphically depicting. He sported a shit eating grin, but only to himself. Once Rey threw a stray glance in his direction, he furrowed his brows and nodded solemnly.

'Yes babe, you're right, babe.' His tried to empathize with his eyes.

Only when he noticed her forehead covered in sweat; he stood behind her, wrapping his arms around her torso. He tried not to slouch much, just to prove his point. "Rey, stop. I've never done anything with her. Of course I'm like a horny dog, when I'm with you – don't you know why, by now? My silly little scavenger," he leaned and kissed her on the mouth from behind, twisting her neck gently.

Rey let out an involuntary moan. He ran his tongue across where her lips met, just tracing their outline, savoring her inability to push him away. He smirked into the kiss. _Who's horny now, babe?_ She wanted him as much as he did her, only Rey was too prude to admit it. They paused when their lips were barely touching, breathing each other's air. The faucet kept trickling, and Rey's hands now felt positively burnt.

"Kylo, I'm just afraid. " Rey leaned into his chest. She closed her eyes because she was sick of bawling for no good reason. Nope, she'd not give into her fear and anxiety over their safety. "I need you here, I need you safe. I'm sorry she has problems, but you can't risk it all for someone else."

Kylo swayed her in his arms. "I owe her."

"What do you owe her, huh? What is so important that needs to be repaid?"Rey pouted, turning back to her dishes.

Kylo hunched behind her and rested his chin on her shoulder. "I don't know where to begin. We've served together for a very long time, years actually. She brought back the old clunker for you, didn't you know?" he tried to coo Rey into agreeing.

She huffed. "I knew, you told me, remember? It was very nice of her, but this isn't a game anymore. You have to let them go, all of the Order people."

"Rey, you're too naïve to trust Skywalker. Even if he comes back with some passable offer, I doubt I'll be granted an absolution. If I help Phasma and she remembers, I'll have one more ally on my side, on _our_ side."

Rey sighed. The heat of water seeped through every pore of her skin, travelling up her arm. No – it wasn't the water she felt. Her scar started acting out again, and suddenly, a gray cloud covered her entire world. Didn't he see he was walking to slaughter? Why would he abandon her and his son to help this woman?

He doesn't love you.

He's staying with you only out of pity.

He feels obligated because he made you a child.

Rey's hands started shaking under water. She tried so hard to close her mind off to these vicious voices in her head. So far, nothing worked.

"They're right," Rey bemoaned.

"What?" Kylo parried off her shoulder and looked her in the face from behind, twisting like a giant tree.

"The voices," Rey said quietly. "They're right, you want to leave and go to her. Fine."

"Hey," he brushed Rey's shoulder, the one with the scar. "I don't have to go. It was just a suggestion."

The cloud was now suffocating her entire being.

"That's up to you. I'm not holding you here against your will." She wiped her chin at the shoulder he'd rested on, as if trying not to feel him there. "And don't touch my scar. It hurts. Just don't touch me at all, OK?"

"What the fuck is your problem?" Kylo took a step back, crossing his arms so tight his veins bulged. "Rey, I know the wound is affecting you, but I'm not going to be treated like this. I'm sick of your arguments and pointless drama at my expense just because you can't control it. "

She pressed her lips, still not looking at him. Her hands were still submerged in scalding water, now too hot not to cause pain. She didn't care. She didn't feel it. Somehow, the pain inside felt much worse.

"All I'm saying is, that you can go to whomever you want, Kylo. Go to her," Rey thrust her chin to the door. "Go to Phasma, I'm sure she needs you. I'm not holding you here like a prisoner – oh, remember when you did that to me? Haha," she laughed coldly. "That was hilarious. Or when you almost raped me in the woods. Good times. Great memories." She threw one bottle to the side, and grabbed another.

Kylo noticed the raw, angry red covering her hands. She was hurting herself, but he didn't have the need to tell her not to, he felt so fucking livid.

"I gave you a choice, remember?" He raised his voice." Back on Eriadu, I told you you'd be better off without me, and you could live a normal, happy life. Don't you fucking dare act as if I forced you to do something against your will." He slammed one of the half opened drawers so loud, Rey lurched.

"I'm taking the baby for a walk. When you calm down, let me know." Kylo spun on the heel. He threw on a clean shirt and gently took sleeping Benny up. He nestled him in a makeshift cradle made from his arms. They were so wide, three babies could fit there, but Kylo still felt as if he was mangling his son. He adjusted one tiny foot that was sticking out, and walked towards the door.

"Kylo!" Rey screamed at him.

"Don't start with me. Calm down and don't fucking hurt yourself while I'm out." He grabbed the handle roughly.

"No, Kylo." She called his name, but this time quieter.

His hand wavered. _Fuck me_. Her voice was breaking. The baby sneezed in his sleep, successfully waking himself up. "Rey, I'm-"

"No," she leapt towards them. "Can't you feel it? They're here…they're back."

Kylo froze.

He felt it, all right. The second he stopped focusing on Rey's rage and tapped into the Force, he sensed their presence. The fight ended. Once again, he and Rey became one, always unified; two messed up Force users who shared a human being, fighting against the rest of the galaxy.

"Could you-"

"Sure, here." Rey took Ben before Kylo even asked.

As he was handing the baby to her, their arms brushed. They looked at each other. Rey's eyes shone wide, and she was sorry. He saw it; thousand apologies reflected in those dark, green pools. She didn't have to say a word, and he had already forgiven her, even for the deeds she hadn't committed yet. He would always forgive her, because she had done the same – stars knew he'd fucked up more times than he cared to admit.

"What do we do?" She chewed the insides of her cheek, hopping Ben in her arms.

Kylo straddled the chair. "We wait. Let them come to us."

"Kylo, whatever they offer – whatever Skywalker negotiated with the republic, we'll take it, right?" Rey asked in a small voice."I mean this is our chance to start clean, to turn a new leaf."

"Even if it means me going to prison?" He raised his eyes, begging her to say _no_. _Come on Rey, say it. I need to hear it_.

Ben tugged his mommy's hair and laughed; but Rey saw nothing through the veil of tears filling her eyes. "Of course not. Why would you have to go to… no. I don't want that for you."

Kylo stood up and without a single word, planted a lingering kiss on her forehead. He hugged them both, Rey and Ben whom she was holding close to her chest. His small family fit right into his arms, and that was all he needed. Here they were, three shunned, hunted people who loved each other; awaiting the inevitable. He could scream of happiness that she had his back. He could have taken on the entire republican Starfleet if needed be; he didn't care. She trusted him. She was there, besides him, still willing to defend his deeds; even though he didn't deserve anything less than prison – at least in the eyes of the republic and his treacherous mother.

The door to the hut opened and Luke Skywalker walked in. He wasn't alone.

* * *

 **A/N Whoo-hoo, so I'm back. The Alchemy is back, to be precise. Thank you very much for your patience and I hope you're still interested in reading this story. As always, your comments are very welcomed and appreciated, ugh especially now, after this hiatus. Not gonna lie, it feels kinda like riding a space bike after a long time :P Let's see if I fall on my ass or can continue pedaling, lol.**


	34. Chapter 34

**Nadir**

* * *

The second three figures entered the hut, Kylo's senses went haywire. He became hyperaware of every breath these people took. As far as he was concerned, they were intruding in their peaceful life; and he didn't have to think hard to step in front of Rey and Ben, although what good it might have done, he didn't know.

He peeked behind his shoulder to see what she would do. She didn't go to the Traitor right away, and that was a small consolation to him. Rey adjusted Ben's arm against her chest, because he had fallen asleep again. She kept pressing him so close, that her heartbeat was bound to wake him up.

She didn't care. Her hands went clammy despite all of them evading her gaze.

Finn walked in. Poe Dameron followed right away, both men sporting impassive expressions. Luke was the only one displaying a hint of emotion on his face. His forever bright eyes were shining in the demure hut; his hands rested across one another, disappearing in the folds of his Jedi robes.

The hut suddenly felt too tight and the air too humid. Rey tried, really tried to send some non-verbal signals to her former best friend. Finn's dark eyes never reached hers, and that hurt more than she cared to admit. It was over – her being a part of his life, just as Finn buried the girl from Jakku he once knew deep in his heart. They lost each other, never to be found again.

Kylo didn't move an inch. No one greeted anyone. The door closed with a creaking sound, which made Benny's little mouth pucker; he let out a loud sigh. When Rey felt the huff of air on the skin of her chest, she relaxed. Kylo, on the other hand, didn't.

"So who talks first – you talk first, or I talk first?" Poe smirked. He had the unique ability to project suave in the most unfortunate circumstances. The leather of his new, brown jacket crinkled as he crossed his arms.

Kylo thrust his hands into his pockets. His thumbs were sticking out. He clutched the fabric of his pants so hard, that Rey would have laughed, if she could. He did it because he could do very little else, besides sulk and throw daggers at all three men.

"You can talk, why not? In the end, you're talking right now only because I let you live." Kylo was addressing the door rather than Poe. He jutted his chin, twiddling his thumbs inside those pockets. "I recall out last meeting, pity that you don't; laying in the pool of your own blood on the resistance freighter, having kidnapped my wife."

He emphasized _wife_. That's right, let all know that one wrong look at her could cost them.

He was oozing self-confidence; though only Rey knew his cockiness was masking his fear for their safety. On the inside, Kylo felt like an idiot. He missed his robes, the garb giving him panache and making him look all menacing and important. Pockets occupied his hands to prevent himself reaching for his lightsaber. He purposefully deepened his voice, because he was so used to its unnatural pitch when talking from behind the mask.

All in all, Kylo Ren issuing threats worked much better when he did it veiled in the death shroud of his own making, and not dressed in leather pants and black shirt. Who said the image wasn't helping one young, hot headed dark sider? It totally was. And now, he felt exposed.

"Really?" Poe brushed invisible lint from his jacket. "That's how you choose to speak to us? This isn't Jakku, Ren, and I'm not on my knees, watching you murder old men. This is our galaxy now, _our_ republic. Be glad we're merciful, that we're willing to negotiate. If it wasn't for a good word from your mother, none of us would be here."

"No one asked you for your help." Kylo said.

"You think anyone else was willing to go near you?" Poe quipped.

Nasty blue vein popped in the middle of Kylo's forehead. "You fucking son of a bitch. Why don't you go fu-"

Luke cleared his throat. He quietly sat at the head of the table, beckoning Kylo. "Now that we're all here, we need to talk openly. Why don't you join us?"

A particularly juicy insult was just rolling off his tongue, when Kylo caught Rey's stare; that of a feral cat.

"Sit, now." Her eyes ordered in a way only those almond pools could.

 _Where the hell did she get if from?_ He used to stare like that at the incompetent officers on the _Finalizer_ before he hacked them to death. Kylo strutted towards the table, as if he were doing everyone a big favor, just being there.

He pulled the chair with a loud, screeching noise and slumped down, closing the distance between him and Rey to a virtual minimum.

"What are you doing?" She thought as loud as she could, knowing he could hear her.

"Don't know what you mean," Kylo grabbed her hand under the table. He pressed their shoulder together, gluing them like conjoined twins.

Rey rolled her eyes. If she could, she'd roll them out of her skull.

Luke cleared his throat again, a totally unnecessary gesture, in Kylo's opinion. _Why don't you have a mint, you old prick?_ This was going to be a long and painful day.

Luke steepled his hands on top of the table. "The authorities and the Galactic Senate are willing to grant you a certain exception as the defected servant of the Order. The cooperation is required, though."

"I figured as much." Kylo said, leaning at the back of the chair.

"Anything," Rey blurted out, which earned her a mighty strong squeeze under the table. "I mean, almost anything," she shifted her eyes. "We're willing to do whatever it takes to be pardoned."

Kylo wouldn't see himself at that moment. She used _we_ , not him, even though she had nothing to be pardoned for; maybe just the fact that she had shackled herself to a homicidal maniac. He eased his grip on her, stroking her petite palm in his. She felt so warm, just like she usually did; his very own desert flower. She warmed his cold hand, he soothed her balmy one. Together, they created a strange, lukewarm balance which felt nice for both of them. Rey curled the corner of her lips. She laced their fingers.

"Not anything," Kylo said loudly. "Obviously, I want to hear the conditions first."

Luke nodded. "The enforcing branches of the new republic are now trying to hunt down the separatists, imperial loyalists and former First Order agents. Everyone is getting processed, be it a pilot of your TIE fighters, or the last analyst on your destroyers. "

"So?" Kylo shrugged. "Cut to the chase. I don't need your political exposition, although I can imagine _she_ drilled it into your head. Oh, I bet she did." He scoffed, resembling a grounded teenager. "Be sure to tell Ben how important the galaxy is," he mocked. "Be sure to tell him it's for greater good and the senate. Yeah, right. Come on, Skywalker, tell me what you need from us, so we can get this over with."

Rey stifled a gasp. This was the first time since she met him that she heard Kylo refer to himself as _Ben_. He had no qualms calling their baby that; but never himself.

"We need you to hunt down your Knights of Ren. None of the armed forces of the republic can do it. I can't do it alone. Only you know them, you can find them and neutralize them before they can wreak havoc on the galaxy again."

Rey and Kylo's heads snapped at the same time. Her eyes shone wide. Well, this was it, then. Kylo had killed his Knights, four before, and remaining three when they attacked them on Eriadu. The republic didn't know, and once they'd be made aware, no more need for Kylo's help… no more pardon.

"Luke," Rey spoke in a small voice. "The Knights are-"

"Dangerous, vicious animals." Kylo interrupted her. "I can't believe that your republic is wise enough to realize you can't hunt them on your own. That's right," Kylo stuck his chest out. "Only I can do it. And I'm willing to, if we agree on the exact terms of this exchange. And I mean legal, I want it all in writing, archived in the legal recordings on Coruscant, signed by the First Chancellor. I take nothing less." He said with a cold finality.

"Agreed," Luke said. "Bipartisan Senate meeting is being held tonight on Coruscant where this case, and similar ones, will be discussed. I'll inform you about the outcome right away. If all goes as planned, you can leave tonight. Poe Dameron will fly you. You'll be accompanied by him all the time, and you'll report directly to the security channel appointed by the-"

"No," Kylo shook his head "I need to go alone, and I report to no one. Once it's done, you'll know. Then, it's your turn to uphold your part of the deal."

"You think we'd let you roam the galaxy on your own? So you could escape and get back together with your Order scum friends? Don't think so." Finn said loudly.

He spoke for the first time. Tears were fighting their way out of Rey's tired eyes. Her first real friend she ever had didn't look at her. He didn't acknowledge her, or her son; and when he finally spoke, it was only to insult Kylo.

She understood. It hurt no less though.

"I'm afraid those sentiments will be shared in the Senate tonight, yes." Luke sighed. "It's a matter of trust. Someone loyal needs to guard you at all costs."

"You mean watch me. Spy on me," Kylo said.

Silence fell on this disharmonious company.

The fire died out. Why did he notice such a triviality? Kylo wouldn't mind one iota, if it wasn't for the baby. He stood up. Traitor's inconspicuous reach for his blaster didn't escape Kylo. He simply snickered, more insulted, than threatened. Ten blasters and all the Traitors in the world couldn't stop Kylo from ripping their hearts out, if they obviated the way to his freedom.

He knelt at the hearth and started twisting old paper stripes, putting them on the glowing embers. Paper caught aflame immediately. Once it did, Kylo gently stacked thinner branches of the wood he'd so painstakingly chopped only a couple of days earlier.

No one spoke while he was making fire. Everyone was immersed in their own thoughts. He could hear Rey's – she was thinking about his lie, and how the hell he meant to get out of it alive. The traitor and that conceited pilot were muttering some super secret things, so secret, all Kylo had to do was simply turn in their direction, and he would have heard it all through the Force. Only Skywalker was sitting ramrod straight, like a statue of a legend he so desperately aspired to be.

Suddenly, a voice cut the air. "I'll go with him." Rey spoke. "I'll be that someone to accompany him. You can trust me. I'm Force sensitive, I'm a good pilot, I can fly ships, I can fix them." Her cute, delicate mouth kept moving, but save Kylo, everyone had dismissed the idea before she finished the sentence.

"Absolutely not." Finn and Poe said at once.

Luke rejected her but a second later. "I'm sure you mean well, Rey," he gave her a tepid smile. "But surely, you see why that is not an option. You and your son can't accompany him. It's a security risk."

"I never said anything about my son."

The room went quiet. Everyone expected Rey to elaborate, yet she couldn't. Those words… she meant well, but they sounded unholy the second she uttered them. Her breath quickened. She started to feel nauseated just at the thought of separating from Benny. No, her mind screamed, _stop_. She really was offering the greatest sacrifice a mother could. There would be no turning back.

Kylo hurried to the table. He stood behind Rey and put one hand on her back. He felt her shivering, and for now, just listened.

"We'd leave him with you, as a collateral, as…"she drew a shaky breath," a guarantee that we'd come back. You know I'd never abandon him, and neither would Kylo, never." Rey reached for Kylo's hand. Her breath hitched when she found it behind her back. "Luke, please. You have my word. You can put a tracker on us, I don't care. I swear that we'll obey whatever terms you set. He'll bring the Knights to justice and then, we can all part our ways, right?"

Rey spun and craned her head, seeking reassurance in Kylo's eyes. _Oh, sweet, innocent Rey._ Thin smile ghosted Kylo's lips. He leaned her back into his torso. "I need to talk to my wife alone." He didn't ask, but ordered. "Leave us."

Two former resistance members and the old Jedi master left without a single word.

"Rey-"

"What the hell, Kylo?"

"Rey, listen," he cupped her cheeks, drawing her up from the chair.

"No, you listen." She put her palms on top of his. "What did you do? Why did you promise Luke to hunt the Knights? They're dead, you know they're dead and now, you've lied and it's all over before it even began." She licked her lips, shaking like a tree.

"Listen." Kylo said in a firm voice, brushing his thumbs on her cheeks. "I know what I'm doing. I can't tell Skywalker the truth. They want me to hunt the Knights down, so that's what I have to do. I can't bargain with them, not now. I'm sure it's my mother's doing, she's always been paranoid about the Force." Kylo said bitterly.

"But," Rey speared him with her dewy eyes. "I thought she had it – she has the Force, doesn't she?"

"Oh yeah, she is Force sensitive. I inherited that from her side of the family, but she's never given in, never been trained, never even trusted in it. She shunned it years ago. It's the fucking heritage thing and…"

He caught himself. This wasn't the place or the time to delve into the history of his fucked up family. Kylo shook his head. "Doesn't matter. Rey, what you said – you can't do it. You have to stay with Ben, at all costs."

Rey slid his hands down, taking a tentative step back. "No. I've decided. I'm coming with you. How are you gonna lie to Poe?"

"I'll think of something. The Force, remember? I'll put the bastard to sleep and say I've already got one knight down, period. Then, we move on to another star system and-"

"Please, just listen to yourself!" Rey shouted. "So you'll just pretend to be hunting your imaginary Knights across the galaxy? Is that it?" She wiped a few angry tears. _Pull yourself together_. Easier said than done. Her family was falling apart because he wouldn't come clean.

"You have to be honest. You have to tell them the truth, tell them the Knights are gone and…"

"Fuck, Rey!" Kylo threw his arms in the air. "Let me handle this. I know what I'm doing." He paced the room. "You think I wanted to go to Skywalker? That was a last resort, something I did only for you! That was before I learnt that the remnants of the Order still stand. I thought they were dead, I thought we had no choice, but we-"

"Oh," Rey shuffled behind him, but couldn't catch up. He was already by the fire when she just trotted around the table. "I know what you're doing. Oh stars," she clutched her chest, slumping over the table.

Kylo's senses sharpened. Was she sick? What was happening? She seized her throat, gasping for air. He approached her, but she swatted him away.

"This is about her! You…" Rey steadied herself. "You're going to go to her, you plan to contact your Order friends and try to somehow…fuck this up! I won't let you! You can't do this to me, to your son, how come you don't see this? No," she repeated angrily. "We're telling Luke the truth and the republic will give you another task to complete, and we'll cooperate without a word. And we'll be grateful for it."

Kylo's blood was rushing through his system so fast he almost fell like swimming underwater. He could see his wife. He saw the inside of the hut, he heard the fire crackle, but all he actually heard was a voice of betrayal.

"You know nothing." He stalked her like a prey. Rey backtracked, till she hit the table edge. "I'm to be grateful for _nothing_."

He closed her in, towering over. "You can preach," he huffed, trembling of rage," and moan, and bitch about this, but you know nothing. I'm doing what's best for you and Ben. I'm not going to sit idly by, while the republic fucks me in the ass!" He screamed the last words, inches from her face.

Rey shuddered, but stood her ground. "So what," she goaded, trying to look taller than she was. "You're just gonna join Phasma for tea and plot revenge on the entire galaxy? Are you mad, Kylo? This is about power, isn't it? You don't want to make peace with the republic; you just want power. "

Two silhouettes seemed ablaze, cast into the amber glow of long, shadowy tendrils coming out of the fireplace. He was heaving and clutching his fists not to do something he'd regret. She was fuming, craning her head and looking him right in the eye.

Kylo leaned closer and whispered to her ear. "It's never been about anything else," he trilled in a low, lethal tone. "Of course it's about power; something you never had, something you can't comprehend."

Rey's mouth dried up. He grabbed her arm, speaking ever so softly, but dangerously to her earlobe. "You think some legal, dust covered draft on Coruscant is going to protect you, or my son in the future?"

Nasty, aggressive smirk covered his face. "You think we'll just ask nicely, and Leia or the Senate will let me off the hook? Think," he yanked her arm. "Think, you naïve girl, and stop moralizing. I'm not going to be used by those fools and tossed away like garbage. Not me, not you, not our son. If I have nobody behind me, we're alone, vulnerable. I know this might be too much for you to understand, but it's for the greater good, Rey. Trust me."

He withdrew and looked her in the eyes. What he saw startled him. Rey wasn't crying. She didn't seem intimidated by his monologue, which Kylo had to fight hard to get out of his system. _Forgive me, babe_. He had to scare her; he had to make her see what was at stake.

Instead, Rey's face was a mask of serenity. Her usually searing eyes followed the canvas of his face; his eyes, his nose, his chin. She took it all in, and then, she spoke.

"I know power. I may not hide behind a mask, or wield a lightsaber like you, but I know power. After all, I brought one of the most powerful Force users to his knees. For me, he slew his brethren, the Knights he once professed to love. For me, he let the First Order fall. For me, he didn't fight. I did this. I gave you a son, and I can take him from you, and you won't be able to stop me." Rey shoved him hard. Dull echo arose from where she hit his chest. Damn, it felt like marble.

Kylo didn't budge.

So, she did it again, hitting his chest with her palms. "Don't talk to me about power, you prick; you asshole! You…"

Kylo grabbed her hands, but she wouldn't stop wrestling. They successfully overthrew the chair and a porcelain bowl from the table. Ben started crying.

"You think I'm so powerless," Rey screamed.

"Stop it, Rey, fuck, get the fuck off me, you'll hurt yourself." Kylo pleaded, trying to maintain his grip on her wrists.

That was the last straw. _You'll hurt yourself._ No, he wasn't the least bit afraid of her, Rey shook. He had her for a joke; a lover, a mother to his offspring; someone who'd always be there, sitting on her ass while he'd fight them all and thrust the galaxy into turmoil.

"I hate you." She dug her nails into his arms, whenever she could reach. "I see you for what you are, now. You won't accept help from Luke, you just want to destroy it all. I wish I'd never met you." She tore one chunk of his heart after another." I wish I was dead, so you'd feel how I feel right now. I wish your son didn't have to live with the shame of bearing your name."

Her poison echoed in the hut. The last words reverberated in Kylo's ears. She stunned him like never before. They both went limp. Rey stopped fighting. She yanked her hands off him as if he burnt. Kylo felt as if his last mortal breath just left his body.

What she said would never be undone, be it the wound, the dark side, or maybe just her plain exasperation with him.

And now, he hated her, too. He would see her on her knees, begging for forgiveness. He would see her bleed for understanding.

His hand flew in the air. Hers did as well; but they never had a chance to meet. That didn't mean the Force hadn't seized the lovers turned to enemies. It did; it fought through them, and they both paid the price.

In a mere second, the entire hut was engulfed in flames. Was there an explosion? Kylo didn't know. He felt his body being mauled and tossed at the opposite side of the room. He felt pain. His ribs seemed cracked; his back hit something solid. Then, he bounced back; but where the floor should have been, a deep, circular crater formed. He felt saggy soil under his hands and in mouth, he tasted metal.

He didn't see anything, except a bright, orange glow and rubble. Paper, upholstery, dishes, all was flying around. He imagined Rey calling his name, but that could be an illusion. Deafening sound filled his ears.

They were ringing; and he mouthed the first name which popped into his mind. "Ben." The cot stood at the opposite side; and he struggled to scramble on all four. He had to get to Rey – fuck, Rey… what if she…

The hate was gone. The inane ire he'd felt just seconds before never was. As if he woke up, not from a dream, but to a nightmare. He was dragging his battered body through the devastated room. Each inch seemed a mile. He pierced his palms on something sharp, he didn't see what; but he kept going.

And then, he spotted her.

Rey was sitting on her hinds, clutching Ben in her arms. One look at her face, and Kylo mustered all the remaining energy to stand up.

His spine stretched, flexed; burning. He fought it.

"Rey," he found his voice through the ringing. She wrestled her body to obey and managed to shift to her knees, handing him the baby.

Kylo glimpsed a blood stain on the blanket, not daring to peek inside. He flexed his arm, offering it to her like a provisionary railing.

Rey cried out in pain, staggering up. What a feat; what a great effort. They managed to stand on two feet, a task any toddler could, and together, ambled towards the door. It fell out of singed hinges when Kylo touched it.

Both hobbled outside, and fell into the grass. Plumes of black, thick smoke followed. Rey was hanging onto him. "Let me see," she shrieked. "Let me see," she undone the blankie, fishing out one tiny arm.

Kylo couldn't breathe. His lungs burnt, and he felt an unimaginable urge to cough out the charred smoke he'd inhaled. Fuck that and fuck his needs. "Ben," he cried out, helping Rey to unwrap him.

And then, third Skywalker cried to high heavens.

"Oh my god," Rey collapsed into Kylo. They were both holding unharmed, but rattled Ben in their arms. Their tears mingled together. Their hearts stopped beating – they pumped blood through one; that of their son.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," one tried to silence the other, while Kylo spread the blanket on the grass. Rey immediately stripped Ben off his clothes.

"The blood," Kylo's quivering hands were tearing one button after another. "Where the fuck did it come from?"

"It's mine," Rey heaved, choking on her sobs. "Kylo, the blood's mine. I covered him and slashed my hand, it's nothing."

They checked every spot on his tiny, red body. He was wailing, straining his little arms and legs, but he was all right.

"Here, buddy, you're fine. You'll be fine." Kylo inserted one finger into his mouth, wiping a bit of soot. He had no idea why he was doing it. He just knew it was the right thing to do. Then, he blew into Benny's nostrils, tasting his tears and snot; but that was just an afterthought.

"Seems clear." He said to Rey, who was shaking and crying frantically.

She collapsed on the grass, unable to process a single thought, swallow a single tear. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a blue bird cruising the bright sky. It spread its wings, gently sailing up and down on an invisible curve. She couldn't look away. That small creature possessed more freedom in a single flight than Rey in her entire life. Kylo was saying words, or maybe cursed her existence.

If she was him, she would have done the latter.

The bird turned to a tiny speck on the horizon; and Rey finally focused her gaze on her battered other half. Benny contorted his ash covered limbs and cried and cried. Kylo had no strength left; he simply held the baby, wiping his own eyes. Rey gently peeled the last strip of now burnt onesie glued to baby's calf. She saw a vague blue mist floating in Kylo's hand.

"To calm him." His voice shook.

Rey nodded. She took Kylo's hand, and the mist engulfed them both. His palm felt hot, for the first time in her life; Rey didn't feel the soothing calm pouring from her husband. She felt only fire, the one she'd ignited – and the dark side coursing through her veins.

"We almost killed our son." She thrust her face into her palms. The sunlight burnt her. She didn't deserve to have the sun shine on her. She didn't deserve to look at her baby, to touch him. She didn't deserve to be called a mother, because mothers brought life into this world, not almost took it away.

"Rey," Kylo couldn't say more. He couldn't offer comfort he himself needed so badly. He simply forced her into his embrace. Even Ben stopped crying. His long wails turned to occasional sobs. He found a dandelion in the grass, and he was currently trying to roll over on his belly to sniff it. Sweet babes, pure babes, they would overcome more in a minute than most adults in a month.

Rey and Kylo resembled a pieta statue; both unmoving, broken penitents. He held her. She held him; but they both felt pierced and burnt by more than just the fire.

She was shaking. "This can't go on. We're destroying ourselves by denying our nature. The dark side, the light, it's bullshit. You have to do what you need to."

He understood, through her pained sobs, he got it. They were trying to go against the tides, to be that immovable rock. But the water obliterates everything. The rock can hibernate at the bottom for years, but no matter how strong, the water washes it away; piece by piece, stone by stone.

"What I said, I didn't mean it." She sniffed into his shirt. "I love you."

"I know."He said, feeling his muscles give up. Only after several minutes, he realized that the profound pain wasn't coming from his dislocated shoulder; neither did it radiate from his cracked rib.

That destructive, suffocating feeling came from Rey. Her pain emanated through the Force bond. He didn't have to stay angry at her; because at this rate, she was going to relinquish her own life as a self-punishment.

No matter that he didn't mean it, then. No matter that he wouldn't forget what she'd said. He comforted her anyway.

"I love you, Rey, I love you." He harnessed all his energy, brought her on his chest, and kissed her hair. "I have to do this. It will be all right."

Before she knew, Kylo waved his arm in the air, and put her to the Force induced sleep.

In the distance, Luke, Poe and Finn saw an explosion which illuminated half the island. They ran as fast as they could. When they reached the clearing, not a single soul was there.

* * *

 **A/N So this chap was painstakingly updated through android so here's a prayer circle for it not be cut in half or mucked up. If it ends with the clearing and "not a soul", we're good :P What can I say... they thought they had it all planned, and BAM (pun intended). As you probably know by now, the spoiler leaks have it that there is an explosion in Luke's hut, and since I wrote this fic as an alternative timeline, but true to events which would have happened in the original one, the explosion was bound to appear here as well. What now, hmm? Thank you for your comments my precious reylo fam :)**


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